Don’t want my husband to come home..

[Mum618]

My husband works away for long periods of time, sometimes 3 weeks, sometimes 4, 5 or 6.

I have my routine for when he’s away. Me and the children get on great and we’re happy.

He’s due home on Monday and it’s already stressing me out. I feel like the house has to be perfect, I feel like nothing can be out of place. I feel myself getting snappy towards him over text the closer it gets to him coming home, surely I should be happy??

He’s been away 5 weeks and I should be excited shouldn’t I 😢

Even beyond the cleaning, this part is even worse: you love to cook, but he doesn't let you do it because you make too much mess?!

So not only is he expecting you to do jobs you don't like, he's stopping you from doing the job that you DO like? That's awful

This reminds me of the poster who had a military husband who went away a lot and when he came home she would be so stressed because of how anal he was about cleaning, sincerely hope that isn't you OP as I hope that poster left him long ago, but is probably worth seeing if you can find the threads as there was a lot of advice and support on those longstanding threads.

As someone who has a husband who goes away a lot I think that's really sad and want to say no that isn't how it should be, sure somethings are a tad easier when I am the only adult in the house, but on the whole I miss him terribly and count down the days until he is home.

But again I’d feel like I was failing as a wife not being able to do all my chores

WTF?! How did you get so bloody sexist? Wife is not a job title.

Is this a wind up? How can anyone conform to live like this voluntarily?

He sounds awful!! No wonder you don't want him home.

Thought experiment. If you were the one working away, would you put him under the same expectations of cleaning and ironing and generally being a Stepford husband by being perfect and no trouble or friction to anyone, the same standards that you are labouring under that he imposes on you?
I was flicking through some Susan Sontag essays the other day, written by her quite a few decades ago. I only knew her writing on culture and the arts, not on the patriarchy. But boy oh boy, in some households the problems of the patriarchy are worse I fear than when she wrote these. You haven’t brought it on yourself.
You are not a hotel that provides him with a maid who also provides emotional support and sexual services (that sounds horrible I know - of course you are much more than that to him but seen from an aerial view, this is how he is treating you).
I think NCT classes advise dads not to expect mums to be wafting around in lace gowns, houses clean and tidy and children asleep by 7pm. At least I seem to remember that being the rough idea given out 10 years ago.
It sounds like he doesn’t value the work you do just by looking after the kids, feeding, clothing and bathing them. On top he expects you to be superhuman.
Or maybe I just have very low standards!

It sounds like the army. Sod that

Famous actors do talk about this being a problem in their relationships, when they are apart for weeks and then reunite. Some have rules about not being apart for more than 2 weeks at a time. I remember one actress who said she makes her husband stay in a hotel for a week after he returns from set, because he’s just unbearable to live with. Not very practical for mere mortals. But might this be an occupational hazard of people whose work takes them away / have to manage the household alone for weeks. And shouldn’t your husband also see your side? And pay for a cleaner before he returns, if he is going to feel so aggrieved that his hotel like standards don’t match normal life?

I am not going to help here but I feel the exact same way. My child’s dad does the same and I love it when he’s not here although he comes home every Friday when he is working away but I love it. I hate his routine to a degree but I know it’s his mental health he’s sorting and keeping in check so I get on with it but I moved out 3 years ago we see each other a lot when he’s home but we don’t stay together often and life is so much better for it! I know it’s not what everyone wants or can do but literally! I work and pay my own bills he works and pays his own bills and gives me £200/250 maintenance a month!

I always tried to never be home when he was coming in from work to let him get his bearings. I always tried to make sure everything was perfect now it’s all on me here and all on him there. I must say when I presented him with the fact I was moving out he wasn’t happy but has got over it.

You don't have to put up with it. If he wants the house to a particular standard, then it's fine that he does the cleaning. It's as much his responsibility as it is yours and it's fine for you to stick to your own levels of cleaning when he isn't there. If he's mean to you about that, then that is a problem.

As for looking after a home and kids being easier than his work- that's 100% nonsense. To me work is a well regulated environment where mostly everyone does what is expected of them, whereas home is a place where there is no clocking off and the other people are on their own agendas. Maybe he should try being home with the kids for more than one night?

Reading this has made me realise there are many upsides to having an easy going but untidy and disorganised husband!

The guy is bang out of order- is he military OP? As it seems this obsessive cleaning thing is common in wives with husbands away in military - I've read it a few times on here- personally I would be separating but I know that's easier said than done these days especially because of housing etc

It's not the life I'd choose. I can't wait when my husband gets home from work trips, but he's not an abusive arsehole.

Not all men are like this thank fuck.

I can't wait until my husband gets home at the end of the day! Never mind after working away for weeks on end!

Sorry no OP, it isn't normal at all. You sound like you can live a lovely, carefree and enjoyable life when he isn't there. Why not make it permanent?

I’d wager OP is putting up with it for the 4 bathrooms. Many do

@Crikeyalmighty there was one poster who posted about it a few times, I really don't think we can ascertain from that alone that it is common in the military!

Better off without this man, OP.
I used to feel similar about my emotionally abusive father.
Was devastated at 13, when he returned home after a life saving heart operation and don't regret it.
It gave him another 20 years to live, until 63.
😕

@Mum618 why dont you just pay a company to come in the week he is due home and do a top to bottom spring clean. dont tell him this is being done though. he doesnt have to know

He is not a visiting dignitary that needs his arrival prepared for. He is a husband and a parent. I think you need to give far less of a shit. This is your life, he is not a special guest, he is a Co parent and partner.

If ge doesn't like it, time for him not to come home. What have you got to lose?

You are raising his children, working and keeping a house. He can't expect you to do everything. Does he pay all the bills? Not that that is very relevant, you are not his employee. You are the mother of his children and you are being mum and dad when he is away. I think he has a cheek, next time he is away I would keep a journal and then show him when he comes back again to show that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything he wants you to do on your own.

I would definitely look into a cleaner, even if its once a fortnight, or just a deeper one off clean ready for when he comes home.

What a life, though. My one bathroom, which is easy to clean and everyone who shits in it takes a turn at cleaning it, is much better. The income would have to be in the high eight figures before I’d subject myself to OP’s life.

This is not a 'you problem'. This is a relationship issue that needs working through. You work and have children to look after as a lone parent when he's away. No, of course a massive house with 4 bathrooms isn't going to be spotless when he returns. The only way you could manage a house that size to his standards would be if you completely ignore your kids and choose to clean rather than spend all important time with them.

You cannot keep/get the house to the state he desires. He cannot compromise on that level of cleanliness. So you have to sit down and work out the solution together. It's a really really obvious one. The family budget must cover a regular cleaner plus a deep clean just before he returns home.

If he makes you feel like a failure for this then I'd be separating unless he's willing to try single parenting, running the house and working full time so that he can understand the challenges.

Also his unusually high standards are not your responsibility.

I had a housemate like this. We lived together for 3 years. The only reason it worked was because I accepted that he needed a thoroughly clean and tidy house but that it wasn't my responsibility (or within my cleaning skills) to do this. I did make sure my stuff was tidy though. He took responsibility for all the cleaning because HE wanted to know it was done to his specification. I learned to not feel guilty that his standards were higher than mine and he was perfectly happy to look after the cleaning side of things so there were no hard feelings in either direction.

Does he work offshore? I used to work on the rigs, and some of them (not the UK ones!) are like hotels. People cooked for me, cleaned up after me, made my bed, did my laundry and delivered it to me every day. All I had to do was roll out of bed and go to work. I found it really weird, but I think a lot of the men there were used to it, and I wouldn't be surprised if they expected the same standards at home.

I'm not defending him by the way! I think he's completely unreasonable. If I were you, the minute he left for work, I'd be trashing my own house and not tidying up for several weeks!

To repeat what others said. It is not a you problem, the unreasonable expectations are a him problem. You are not failing as a wife, you are excelling at working and solo parenting for weeks.

You need to understand that, and then you can start making him understand it. It will be hard, but necessary for your family. Stop putting yourself last, you are a valuable member of the family unit that needs to be heard and need to stay sane, for the sake of all of you.

A professional cleaner would be nice! But again I’d feel like I was failing as a wife not being able to do all my chores.

This makes no sense. You work, you're not a housewife. Do you believe your husband is a failure because you have to work. You already work and have raised your DC mostly alone, you do more tgan your husband so why do you feel you also need to act like a (working) stepford housewife?