Don’t want my husband to come home..

[Mum618]

My husband works away for long periods of time, sometimes 3 weeks, sometimes 4, 5 or 6.

I have my routine for when he’s away. Me and the children get on great and we’re happy.

He’s due home on Monday and it’s already stressing me out. I feel like the house has to be perfect, I feel like nothing can be out of place. I feel myself getting snappy towards him over text the closer it gets to him coming home, surely I should be happy??

He’s been away 5 weeks and I should be excited shouldn’t I 😢

What? So here you are effectively a single mum, raising the kids alone, looking after the home any way, doing all the life admin, mental load and everything inbetween and he comes home every few weeks, and wants some kind of 5 star hotel experience? I would be having strong words with him. In fact, yes, you should leave the cleaning to him then, 100%. Because clearly, apart from working, he does nothing else in regards to every day family life. What utter nonsense. Let him clean, and you go our some where with your friends, or what ever, and let your hair down for a bit

Wow, he doesn't want a lot does he? So you manage the whole house and all the kid stuff without him when he is away and he gives you a list of chores to do before he gets back. You make too much mess when you cook? Controlling-much! I suspect he is the problem here!

Why is he working so hard? Is it to support his wife and family?

Does he pay for the house, bills, the family cars? I'm not sure someone on a cleaner's salary could afford a home with 4 bathrooms.

I'm a single parent and life is extremely hard when it's just you with nobody contributing anything. There's no nice holidays, no big houses and not only do you have all life admin, childcare etc and cleaning, you have to pay for everything, too.

I would maybe try to look at the positives in this relationship and be appreciative for the things he does. Yes, he likes things spotless when he comes home, but then he takes over and does the cooking and cleaning himself.

Unless of course there's a lot more too it. Perhaps he doesn't show you appreciation either for everything you do for the family.

@Thingymajigii I don't think the OP said she was a cleaner. She said the main thing he demands is to do with cleaning.

And he does cleaning and cooking when he gets home as a judgment on OP's skills. He doesn't do the ironing, which might actually be what the OP might want him to do. Doesn't sound as if he appreciates how hard it is parenting, as he doesn't offer for OP to have a break from parenting when he is home

This is definitely not a you problem, OP...

@Thingymajigii i think you’re projecting there. Or simply jealous of someone having enough money to have a house with 4 bathrooms

One person (in that case the OP’s dh) can do all the things you’ve mentioned and still be a twat.
Never mind that the OP works and you have no idea how much she earns. Or what their financial arrangements are.
Or that he is making her feel like failure - he isn’t cooking because he is a nice man but because she isn’t good enough according to him!
The bottom line is that he should be as appreciative and grateful of the work she does (in and outside the house) as she should be appreciative of the work he does outside the house. And he clearly doesn’t - apparently being in your own, working etc… is easy and ‘certainly not as hard as what he does’…. Ok…..

Also money doesn’t buy happiness.

I think you need to let go. Tell him that you don't look forward to him coming home atm as it's so much more work for you, so you're going to do what you reasonably can and hopefully he'll feel the benefit of having a wife who's pleased to see him, even if he gets going with the hoover the next morning. And the morning after that, he needs to take the DC out so you can have some alone time (he's had weeks and weeks of it, after all).

I dont actually agree with you when you say it's a you problem. You're being hard on yourself and it's not surprising as it sounds like he's hard on you.

I know a few women with dhs who used to work away long periods of time and the men often have unrealistic expectations of what the house should be like, anytime they mention a hard time managing after a hard day or hard week, they'd be told "try having my job" They were expected to do everything alone, with no complaining and to prioritise everything the dh wants when he's home, and if she didn't do the things he wanted (and they'd call their way "properly") he'd do it himself.

Most of the men were military and I think seemed to expect their wives and children to live the same way and would almost sort of inspect everything when home.

100 per cent. What a trade-off.

I got as far as this post that you made @Mum618 - "The stress comes from me. He does expect things to be done for him coming home, which I always do. If I dont manage to do certain things he expects he will do them as soon as he comes home, so that stresses me out and then I feel guilty. So this is probably where the anxiousness comes from."

I would suggest to you that you do not have to have things done for him coming home. I'd have a meal prepared or the ingredients ready for him being included in the pot but apart from a huge kiss and welcome home hug, I'd kind of expect him to slot in with the routine that has become the norm in his absence, rather than disrupting it. If things are not done, let him do them.

I don't know what 'things' you would have done for him or that he would do as soon as he comes home but let him do them. It must be terribly disruptive if you have kids and they have all of the upheaval when daddy gets home to behave in a certain way, do things a certain way, probably stay quieter and so on. This is their home too and yes, he is their daddy but I think you're putting unnecessary stress on yourselves every time he gets home.

I'm going to go back now and carry on reading the thread.

@crumblingschools i don’t think it’s so black and white. He clearly has very rigid ideas about what he expects, how things should be, whose job it is to do what. Some of these things will just have developed over time but now they’re stressful to @Mum618 - so it might actually be appropriate to try some counselling to re align the norms. He may well have little or no idea of the impact he’s having. ‘Arsehole’ should be reserved for those who know what impact they’re having, or just don’t care. That may or may not be the case , there’s no way of knowing from standing outside.

I'm back having read the whole thread now and think that if you have 4 bathrooms and you're living without him in the house for up to 6 weeks at a time, how many bathrooms are you actively using in that time? Can you clean 2 and then lock the door so that they remain clean until the few days before he gets home and then fly over them with a cloth?

The other 2 bathrooms would be used more regularly so you can keep on top of their cleaning every couple of days.

As for the garage being clutter free and all of the other stuff you mentioned - you're aware that you're not living in a bubble and you are actually 'living' there while he is living elsewhere? Life is not neat and tidy and to try to shoehorn your life and that of your kids into a neat & tidy just won't work.

You will get through this though, whatever happens when he gets home.

4 bathrooms sound a lot but I suppose could include downstairs loo and an ensuite. And if some haven’t been used whilst he had been away he can rub them down with a cloth if he thinks they need doing

my oh wanted to come home to perfect house
and is a near freak and would do it themselves if I didn’t

difference is when we had second child I made it clear the pressure to be perfect when they came home was stressing me out and they accepted that I did not want me stressing
and totally accepted a “ lower standard”

if you have adequately communicated your stress to oh and yet they still have these ridiculous standards despite is causing you dyscresssnd driving a wedge in your happy home …then I’d leave the inconsiderate knob

They’re not 50% his chores when he’s away 3-6 weeks at a time. They are when he’s at home and he cleans and cooks. I would be pissed off if I’d been away and came home to a tip.

@StormingNorman OP says the house isn’t a tip. And actually if I was away for that long I would be thinking of ways to help make life easier for the parent at home not demanding skirting boards are cleaned in honour of my arrival home

@StormingNorman he is getting out of parenting etc 5 -6 weeks at a time. Not sure what he does for a living but I’m guessing that he won’t have household chores or the equivalent of juggling work, childcare and looking after a house.

I think OP's DH should count himself very lucky that she is prepared to carry his load while he is away so that he can do the work of his choice.I would not be up for it personally.

OP is talking about all of the ironing being done, not a big mess. @Mum618 you need to iron a lot less stuff for a start. I hang clean washing in the wardrobe and decide as I go if something needs ironing. I no longer ironing DC's uniforms, sweatshirts and polos look fine if they're hung up straight from being dried.

He likes all bathrooms cleaned spotless the day he comes home, I have 4 bathrooms so it’s quite hard work! All skirtings dusted, every floor hoovered within an inch of its life, floors washed, any toys tidied away, fridge cleaned out and organised, oven cleaned, dishwasher cleaned, garage organised and tidy, I could go on. Also asks for all of my ironing to be done so I can spend more time with the family the first few days he’s home (he would never iron)

Well......he's a joy isn't he?

Wanker 🙄

@Calmhappyandhealthy think you have summed him up perfectly

Anyone who notices whether the skirting boards have been dusted in my house are freely welcome to clean them themselves or they could get a life

She does say that she works as a cleaner if you read the thread. Perhaps read the whole thread as she gives away more information about the situation and her sometimes being the one that puts more pressure on herself. I do understand that her life isn't perfect and he could be a better husband but being a single parent for a few weeks at a time is very different to really being a single parent with no financial support etc. It's always good to reflect on the good things someone does in a partnership and not just all the bad as nobody is perfect. I wouldn't want her to make any harsh decisions and find out she was better off in her current situation. Single parenting is brutal.

Well no wonder you don't want him to come home
I wouldn't either
Is it you and the kids he's coming to see or the house
No wonder you feel under such pressure when it gets near to him coming.
I think I'd be telling him to pay for a cleaner the day before he gets home ,I certainly wouldn't be feeling any guilt..
To be honest
I couldn't live like that ,I'm afraid I'd not stay in a relationship where I was put under that amount of pressure

@Thingymajigii she doesn't say she works as a cleaner.
She says his expectations are mainly related to cleaning, not that she's a cleaner.

Neither do you know. You're making many assumptions about him. Her situation isn't that terrible - not enough to warrant being a single parent anyway. Going solo would certainly not be an improvement on her life as she seems to think.

I agree, he should be appreciative of her and so should she of his efforts.