Don’t want my husband to come home..

[Mum618]

My husband works away for long periods of time, sometimes 3 weeks, sometimes 4, 5 or 6.

I have my routine for when he’s away. Me and the children get on great and we’re happy.

He’s due home on Monday and it’s already stressing me out. I feel like the house has to be perfect, I feel like nothing can be out of place. I feel myself getting snappy towards him over text the closer it gets to him coming home, surely I should be happy??

He’s been away 5 weeks and I should be excited shouldn’t I 😢

Go away for the weekend and leave him entirely with the kids and mental load. Absolute prick, this isn’t normal.

Wow, I'd tell him to go fuck himself!!! Who appointed him your taskmaster?!

Yeah, no. He needs a reality check that this bullshit is causing his wife to dread him coming home and prefer it when he is gone.

This is why I live alone

If funds allow I’d get a company round to quote for a clean of kitchen, bathrooms, lounge and say 2 bedrooms per visit (you can alternate bedrooms when they come). Then when you know he’s coming home book the cleaner for a day or two before.
We have a standing quote for the above and I call and book it in every couple of months when I feel the house is getting a little unloved.
I have a 2 year old am heavily pregnant and self employed, this has worked for us since my son was about 1 and really takes the pressure off. Before that I was going nuts trying to manage all the household stuff myself and I just couldn’t cope!

Jeeeze that's awful hand him all the cleaning kit when he gets home, tell him to crack on.

Is he naval?

He sounds bloody awful. I couldn’t live like that.

A vibrator doesn't earn a 6 figure salary though.

If there are no other issues in your marriage then I would just get a cleaner in for the full day before he comes home every time.

I live with a clean freak. I decided very early on in my marriage that I’m not going to spend the next 40 years arguing over how clean the house is, who does more, who does less etc etc so I’ve paid for a cleaner twice a week ever since. Life is too short!

4 bathrooms is a killer. I would clean a couple of them the week before his return, and then lock them shut. Your kids can join a queue for the others, and you can save the rushed cleaning.

4 bathrooms???

FOUR BATHROOMS????? WTF...

It's like that "Would you rather" game.

Would you rather have a third nipple or an extra toe?

Would you rather have 1 bathroom and live with a nice guy or have 4 bathrooms and live with an asshole?

Remember.... It's NEVER too late to change your mind.

I think she has posted before about this as the thing about the cleaning eg clean skirting boards etc seems really familiar.

Everyone said pretty much the same thing before;that's it's domestic abuse and coercive control.

I wouldn’t be rushing cleaning or locking bathrooms shut. The OP is on her own with children, he can’t expect to walk into a show home. He can get his sleeves rolled up and clean if it’s not to his standard when he gets home or pay for a cleaner to do a deep clean before he gets home. Better still, pay for a cleaner while he’s away. I seriously don’t understand why people put up with this shit.

He likes all bathrooms cleaned spotless the day he comes home, I have 4 bathrooms so it’s quite hard work! All skirtings dusted, every floor hoovered within an inch of its life, floors washed, any toys tidied away, fridge cleaned out and organised, oven cleaned, dishwasher cleaned, garage organised and tidy, I could go on. Also asks for all of my ironing to be done so I can spend more time with the family the first few days he’s home (he would never iron)

I wouldn’t be putting up with his stupid demands that these things are done either. Well done him away working probably getting a full nights sleep as well as having some downtime while he’s away. Who does he think he is with these demands? This man wouldn’t last 2 minutes with me, he’d be getting told straight either don’t come bloody home if it’s not clean enough for you or stay in a hotel and come visit the children. He’s not the boss of you OP and doesn’t get to dictate.

So basically he comes home after a period of time away where he hasn't had to do any housework or childcare and he acts like an Ofsted inspector checking your house to make sure it's clean, all the jobs have been done, etc. Who the hell does he think he is?

If you want to stay in the marriage then he needs to pay for several hours of cleaning whenever he's coming home.

Personally I wouldn't want to stay in the marriage.

What are his good points? Yes he does cooking and cleaning when home, but seems to be more for showing you the standard he wants from you rather than just sharing the load

My partner works away 2 weeks at a time and he's just very happy to be home, regardless of how messy it is. I try to ensure it's not a total tip when he comes back but if he started ordering me to ensure the skirting boards are dust free I'd lose it.

Your husband is not being fair.
You are working, caring for your children and keeping your household going , and it’s still not enough.
He has you dancing to his obsesive tune and extremely high standards. No wonder you are exhausted . You aren’t able to enjoy his presence in your home because your too busy scrubbing the floors and ironing shirts.

Something has to give do your children want to associate their dad with stress and being controlled - not able to be kids playing with toys and making a mess.

I think you could argue you need some Me time away from the kids whilst he cares for them . Maybe that would give him a reality check

He sounds like a total arsehole tbh.

When DH worked away he paid for a cleaner to do his share.

And when he got back he slotted into our routine. It wasn't fair on me or the kids for him to uproot everything every 6 weeks then disappear again.

When he's home, cleaning and cooking (but not ironing because he doesn't enjoy that), do you leave him alone with the children to look after as well? Otherwise he is only doing half of what he expects you to manage.

Also, does your husband know that you dread him coming home? He should be concerned that he makes you feel this way.

I think you need a week away. Leaving him with the children and the house.

And yes, you should want him home. The fact that you don't speaks volumes about him, not you.

He doesn't sound like the type one can confide in.

There’s been some harsh words posted here - but from what you’ve said, he’s more OCD than arsehole. Do you actually feel appreciated and loved when he’s home? Or are you just an employee with a defined role??

@Bittenonce his OCD obviously doesn’t extend to him doing the ironing or looking after the DC so OP can have a break. I think he is more arsehole

Can quite see why you get anxious when he is due home. I doubt life is happy and relaxed while he is there. Jobs can end. Do you think you will have a good life if he was permanently at home? I’d start squirrelling away a secret leaving fund if I were you and learn, hypothetically of course, what getting your ducks in a row in order to divorce entails. If you remain happy in your marriage the money is just savings that are yours and what you learn is just general knowledge