Setting boundaries for 15yr DD since having sex with 15yr old bf

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Hello please be kind this is my first ever post, and I'm nervous but a little lost rn.
Long and short of it is that we have learned our 15yr old DD has recently had (protected) sex with 15 yr old bf. Was in bedroom with door ajar and parents in the house. They've been together 6 mths. She's an amazing smart mature kid, as a pair they seem close and he's a nice enough kid. Background to our family is in the last 1.5 yrs we've had 2 traumatic bereavements in the family rendering myself and DH were emotionally absent for a time.
Wondering how to play this without drama. We don't condone it all (in fact I'm devastated) and will do everything not to encourage this further but want to be supportive and create open communication with her in anything she may need. I didn't get this with my mum at all and only have a really bad experience and memories to draw on. They are underage and imo they may be physically ready they aren't emotionally ready.
We have always said ok to him being around and only when there's an adult in the house (we work from home so always at home) and the bedroom door must be open - but I think this changes everything. Just don't know where to start (other than the obvious about consent & contraception) ...
Thanks for reading this long post, any of you experienced mums out there with pointers on maintaining good relationship with DD and setting clear boundaries going forward and through past consenting age?

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. If they want to do it they will.

If you ban him from going upstairs they'll do it somewhere less safe.

She will end up lying to you then will not feel able to come to you for help if something goes wrong.

You talk about why it's a bad idea at her age, about consent and about pregnancy and STIs. You make sure she has plenty of interests in her life other than boys and that she sees her own worth.

GreyBlackBay thank you - that's what we're thinking too, don't want to ban them from being upstairs together- but am struggling with actual boundaries to set, it feels like a sea change - but we can't condone it and don't want to be parents who stick their heads in the sand and ignore either! Want to have open comms.
Will also focus on her self esteem and self worth, she's busy and sporty. Appreciate your comment thanks.

You have my sympathies OP, my eldest is now 20 and my DC2 just about to turn 15, so I have navigated this road with my firstborn and am yet to navigate with DC2.

Honestly speaking, now that your DD and her BF have crossed that boundary and made their relationship sexual, they are unlikely to stop regardless of the barriers you put in place. I’m not saying you have to condone it, or that you have allow it, they are both underage and it’s such a tricky road to navigate, but you need to understand they will find a time and place to do this even if not under your roof, so that is something to keep in mind.

For us our DD1 was almost 18 and had been with her BF for a year so it was a bit different, we had already had the safe sex talk long before, but we refreshed it and simply discussed birth control options and helped her select one she was happy with and just made sure she was continuing to be safe.

The most important thing to do is to enforce the boundaries you set, whilst also maintaining an open line of communication with her, discuss contraceptive options if you haven’t already, select one and make sure she sticks to it as she’s choosing to do an adult thing that has very very real adult consequences, regularly check in with her and how she feels, and just make sure she knows that she can always come to you.

That's about all you can really realistically do, yes you could forbid them, you can put a multitude of barriers, obstacles and boundaries in the way, but ultimately they will find a way around them if they really want to, so the best and most important thing you can do is just make sure she is being safe and sensible and fully aware of all the consequences and concerns of a sexual relationship.

I can imagine it's a very difficult situation when your underage child starts having sex, I am dreading it when my kids get to that age. Unfortunately you will not be able to stop them and they will find other places to go. Talk to her about safe sex, types of contraception and pregnancy etc and don't make her feel like she can't approach you with questions. I couldn't talk to my mum about these things when I was a teenager and unfortunately that led me to some dangerous situations and unsafe sex when I was 16.

Thank you all for your considerate and realistic comments, much appreciated xx

I agree with everyone else, but would be devastated if it were my dd. Just going back to the point where you said you were emotionally distant due to traumas, I wondered if this would make her more likely to seek the wrong sort of attention from her bf, make her more dependent on him? This isn't meant as an accusation, as I know family dynamics couldn't be helped, but perhaps get her to see a councillors to see if she can talk through any issues arising as a result of what was going on in the family - kids can bottle things so as not to worry parents.

You can’t stop her, they will have sex any place they can. I remember being 15 and madly in love with my then bf and having sex every chance we got. All you can do is make sure she knows about consent and contraception. She’s growing up..a bit sooner than you wanted maybe! Make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything. Yep..anything. Even if you’re dying inside be there to listen.

Why are you devastated?

Surely most people have had sex as teenagers and it sounds like she is in a happy relationship and took precautions.

Your dd has had protected sex with her boyfriend of 6 months.

There's nothing to be devastated about.

She was safe, consenting, and happy.

All I would do would be to have another conversation about contraception, and boundries, and make sure she knows she can talk to me anytime with no judgement and let them get on with it.

Some crazy comments. They had sex in the house with the door ajar and parents at home? They have no respect for you at all. If they are going to do it then fine but why make it easy? Make them find other places or wait until you are out of the house. Make it difficult for them. Don't let him start staying over and helping to create a sense this is relationship is more important than it actually is and thus make it harder to break it off. Where is her father? Was he in the house as well? I started having sex when I was 15 but I would never have been that brazen my mother would have killed me. I waited until she was out and snuck my boyfriend in then. You can still be open and supportive and have boundaries in your own home. You are her mother not her friend. Plus when you let kids do this in the house they will
never move out.

Just be thankful it was protected sex.

I'd certainly be telling the lad that he has broken the law.

15 is old these days.
It's a disgrace what goes on out there.

Are you sure they definitely did the deed?

She isn't old enough to give her consent.

Can I just point out that the bf is also only 15 and the law on the age of consent applies to both sexes.

And so has she.

How did you find out ?

Did she tell you

Or you heard /saw

Yes she is underage but least had the common sense to use contraception

Don't go in all guns blazing or they will go elsewhere and have sex

As a parent I would prefer for dd to be at home and know where she is

Obv remind me of this calm approach in 7/8yrs time when mini blondes is 15

Well neither is he, so in your mind two 15yos in a long term (for that age) happy relationship both raped each other because neither could give consent?

Maybe op should report them both to the police then.

This is the crazy comment. Filial respect is the least important thing to focus on. And it's telling that you think having sex connotes disrespect - when in fact there's nothing disrespectful about a natural activity that both parties consent to and enjoy. And the advice to make it more difficult for them is truly hare-brained no matter what you want the outcome to be.

OP, they're 15. It's less than a year til they're both of age. This genie can't be put back in the bottle. Maybe if they were 13 there'd be cause to put the brakes on but it's a matter of months before they can legally have all the sex they want.

Hammer home how important contraception and consent are. Double, triple, quadruple underline those two things. Tell her about them repeatedly, to the extent of boring her to tears, because they're the two lessons she really needs to internalise. In fact, don't let the messaging get muddled with anything else you feel, like how she's not emotionally ready. You may be right but she disagrees with you and there's no point making that the hill to die on. Just keep banging on about contraception and consent.

And then take a step back and remember that as far as first times go, at home in a consenting and healthy relationship with someone her age is probably about as good as it gets for most people.

They are 15 and having sex. I dont think there is anything you can do to stop it. I think you need to praise them for being responsible and having safe sex. I think you need to explain that it's best to use both a barrier method (condom) and also a hormonal method (pill, depo, ect). I think you need to explain that some STI like genital warts and herpes can be passed even while using condoms.

I think you need to talk about consent and coercion.

I think you need to talk about taking photos and videos. You need to explain that images that she does want her you/ dad/ gran to see shouldn't be taken. Also, that taking and sending pictures is illegal.

I can’t understand why you are devastated either. The age of consent wasn’t put in place to protect two 15 year olds from having consensual sex with each other, and I hope your DD doesn’t now feel that there is anything shameful about this. Having sex is a normal, healthy and enjoyable activity.

It’s great that she used contraception and apart from a reminder about that, it’s not really any of your business. I think you do need to be mindful of boundaries - you should respect your DD’s boundaries and should not discuss her sex life with other people or make her feel uncomfortable, and apologise to her if that is what you have done.

Christ almighty. Teenagers have been at this for centuries.

Just to say condoms are not sufficient on their own.
They need belt and braces.

Welcome to Mumsnet!

While I would not be over the moon with the news, it's wonderful to hear she is being safe and using contraception. Perhaps you could use this time to have a more meaningful conversation about how she can further protect herself.

If I were in this situation, I would rather they had a 'fun time' in my home rather than sneak off to God knows where and land themselves in a precarious situation.

Thanks to you all for your comments, really pragmatic and sensible. Totally get it that the genie is out of the bottle and I am relieved they have been sensible and it was planned and protected. I think that I would be totally okay with this if they were of consenting age. It's that they are still effectively children and we are responsible for her, as his parents are for him.

Me and DH were definitively not that emotionally available the past year or so and I do believe that this has led DD to put lots more emotion into this relationship that she otherwise would have, and can't turn back the clock now. Will look into counselling for her to give her a space to open up to a professional if she has stuff bottled up. xx