Setting boundaries for 15yr DD since having sex with 15yr old bf

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Hello please be kind this is my first ever post, and I'm nervous but a little lost rn.
Long and short of it is that we have learned our 15yr old DD has recently had (protected) sex with 15 yr old bf. Was in bedroom with door ajar and parents in the house. They've been together 6 mths. She's an amazing smart mature kid, as a pair they seem close and he's a nice enough kid. Background to our family is in the last 1.5 yrs we've had 2 traumatic bereavements in the family rendering myself and DH were emotionally absent for a time.
Wondering how to play this without drama. We don't condone it all (in fact I'm devastated) and will do everything not to encourage this further but want to be supportive and create open communication with her in anything she may need. I didn't get this with my mum at all and only have a really bad experience and memories to draw on. They are underage and imo they may be physically ready they aren't emotionally ready.
We have always said ok to him being around and only when there's an adult in the house (we work from home so always at home) and the bedroom door must be open - but I think this changes everything. Just don't know where to start (other than the obvious about consent & contraception) ...
Thanks for reading this long post, any of you experienced mums out there with pointers on maintaining good relationship with DD and setting clear boundaries going forward and through past consenting age?

Why are you devastated? This is pretty normal for a 15 year old.

Most people in my peer group lost their virginity at 15/16.

And the posted saying the 15 yo boy could end up on the register - the law is exactly the same for both sexes.

I'd have a chat with her about contraception and suggest she goes on the pill/implant IN ADDITION to always using condoms, but that's all that needs doing.

I also don't see the point in banning them from being alone in the house/her room. Teenagers have been having sex in cars/fields/friends spare rooms/at parties for decades. Honestly I'd rather my teen had the nicer experience of a bed in a safe warm house - as long as they were discreet/quiet about it.

I recently found out that my 15 yo son is having sex with his 16 yo GF.
I had asked him if it was OK for me to give his room a tidy while he was out and found condoms.
They have been dating a while (in teenager terms) and are smitten.
We've talked about everything already many times so it hasn't been hard to raise it now (though I did not say I found the condoms).

We had one of those conversations in the car where they can't get out and there's no eye contact. As open as we are, no one wants to be talking about sex with their parents.

I had already looked up the consent rules. As long as it is consensual and he is Gillick competent it is unlikely they would get in any sort of trouble.

When he started wanting to stay over at her place, I talked to his Mum to confirm he sleeps on the sofa. We are on the same page. If they want to do it, they'll find a way, they just need to be careful emotionally and physically.

I have told him that condoms protect against STDs and prevent pregnancy but they are not 100%. If he doesn't want to be a Dad then he needs to talk to his GF and take further precautions. If they're mature enough to be having sex they're mature enough to have that conversation. We then arrived at our destination much to his relief......

I think all you can do is go over contraception, STIs and consent again. I would maybe bring up healthy relationships too as teenage relationships can be so intense, to avoid it becoming emotionally unhealthy on either side.

No more so than the girl.

Nonsense, he is 15 too. He is no more responsible than her.

When are they both 16?

Honestly, there is nothing you can do. I've been in the same position and was absolutely reeling when I found out. It was my ds in the situation and for a time his girlfriends dad was very keen that they shouldn't be indoors together. All this meant was that they had sex in parks and waste ground and generally loitered outside. They're still together a year later and whilst I don't necessarily feel comfortable with it I ensure they have access to condoms and they spend a lot of time in our house, monitored fairly loosely. I think parents can way over estimate their ability to stop teens doing things they don't want them to.

This. Nearly every single teenager has sex. She is happy and in a stable safe relationship. They even took precautions. On top of that They even did it in the safest location possible. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do but have an open discussion about being safe

My children are much younger and I'm dreading the day, but like others have said. Now they're done it, they aren't going to stop. And if you ban him from your home she will resent you and come home less and less.

How did you find out? Did she tell you? If so it's a good thing that she felt she could. Speaking from my own experience at that age, my mum disapproving would have done nothing to defer me. My mum didn't let my sisters boyfriend stay the night as I imagine she felt this was her way of taking control, she ended up pregnant 2 weeks after her prom. Her daughter is now 9. All you can do is have a serious conversation about unwanted pregnancy and the like

All this meant was that they had sex in parks and waste ground and generally loitered outside.

I was in this situation. Probably closer to 17 but my boyfriend (now husband) and I were not allowed to be alone in either house together. There’s barely a quiet, dark spot in our home town where we didn’t have sex at least once to be honest.

Only you, her dad and the boyfriends parents can figure out how you go forward but don’t leave them looking for unlocked bin stores in dodgy blocks of flats (yes, that is a very specific example…)

I agree, behind a random tree, up a little hill surrounded by trees on many occasions, under a bridge, they will find a way regardless

I don’t think it’s true that nearly every single teenager has sex. A lot do, and a lot don’t. Underage sex shouldn’t be normalised. That’s how kids get pressurised into doing things they don’t feel ready to.

Teenagers don't have sex because their parents are emotionally unavailable, their relationship would be intense regardless. She doesn't need counselling for having completely normal feelings.

I know!!

It is normal. The legal age of consent in most of Europe is between 14 and 16. It's pretty arbitrary, each country just decides where in that window they're going to pick, knowing that teenagers are going to start doing it (or wanting to do it) during those years, regardless.

Why were you absolutely reeling when you found out? That is a genuine question, I just can’t understand the upset about this.

Did you just join Mumsnet to try and wind people up?

It's nothing to do with how they are raised. Teenagers will be teenagers. A lot of them will do it and their perfect parents will never know.

Absolute numpty

That's exceptionally wrong to say!

I'm in the camp of 'better to do it in her own bedroom than down the alley at the side of Domino's Pizza'. Good practical advice here. I'd just add that though they're using contraception, I'd remind her that it can still fail, split condom etc, and if that happens you'd rather she asked you for help to get the morning after pill or similar, than she just panicked alone and increased the risk of an untimely pregnancy.

Devastated is silly. I'm pissed of. My newly turned 15 year old had one bf then split then another then back to old bf then split then kicking of at 6pm wanting me to take her to old bfs hmm no. She got out of my car to get the bus my mum went for her to find her on the corner crying. She was desperate to go for a coffee with his mum and see him. My mum took her told her no way she was allowed upstairs anyways my mum sat in the car for 5 mins and then thought she's either gonna hang herself here or she will be having a coffee downstairs. My mum knocked on the door chav mum answered(I am more middle class) my mum found she was upstairs. Hollered her out of that house. Next day she took herself back to that house. Honestly wtf do I do. She's going for her adhd assessment Monday so hopefully these help. But yano things could be alot worse for you. My dd has the implant. She cannot understand why I'm pissed of and being ott she says as she can't get pregnant. How the he'll do I explain the psychological impact to her and these boys are ysing her and will tell you anything to get you into bed.

Don't be absolutely ridiculous.