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Original poster

Setting boundaries for 15yr DD since having sex with 15yr old bf

114 replies

LiveTrying · 09/01/2025 11:44

Hello please be kind this is my first ever post, and I'm nervous but a little lost rn.
Long and short of it is that we have learned our 15yr old DD has recently had (protected) sex with 15 yr old bf. Was in bedroom with door ajar and parents in the house. They've been together 6 mths. She's an amazing smart mature kid, as a pair they seem close and he's a nice enough kid. Background to our family is in the last 1.5 yrs we've had 2 traumatic bereavements in the family rendering myself and DH were emotionally absent for a time.
Wondering how to play this without drama. We don't condone it all (in fact I'm devastated) and will do everything not to encourage this further but want to be supportive and create open communication with her in anything she may need. I didn't get this with my mum at all and only have a really bad experience and memories to draw on. They are underage and imo they may be physically ready they aren't emotionally ready.
We have always said ok to him being around and only when there's an adult in the house (we work from home so always at home) and the bedroom door must be open - but I think this changes everything. Just don't know where to start (other than the obvious about consent & contraception) ...
Thanks for reading this long post, any of you experienced mums out there with pointers on maintaining good relationship with DD and setting clear boundaries going forward and through past consenting age?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/01/2025 15:18

It's a possibility one or both of them might decide that after the fact on reflection, it was too soon and they want to wait before having sex again. I had a male friend at 17 who realised after his first time that it wasn't something he felt ready to do again.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 09/01/2025 15:26

To be honest, I'd probably do away with the 'door open' rule now.

It clearly doesn't put them off.

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

NewBootsWeather · 09/01/2025 15:34

fishingfor · 09/01/2025 13:56

I'd certainly be telling the lad that he has broken the law.

He wouldn't get into trouble as there was consent.

InkHeart2024 · 09/01/2025 15:39

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

No he couldn't.

InkHeart2024 · 09/01/2025 15:41

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/01/2025 14:01

She isn't old enough to give her consent.

Show quote history

This isn't the law I'm afraid. 13 to 15 year olds CAN consent. A mutually consensual sexual relationship between two 15 year olds is only illegal under a technicality and neither of them could be prosecuted for this.

InkHeart2024 · 09/01/2025 15:42

fishingfor · 09/01/2025 13:56

I'd certainly be telling the lad that he has broken the law.

Either they both have or neither of them have. Why do you say the boy broke the law and not the girl? (By the way you're wrong, neither of them broke the law in any real sense)

gannett · 09/01/2025 15:43

LiveTrying · 09/01/2025 15:14

Thanks to you all for your comments, really pragmatic and sensible. Totally get it that the genie is out of the bottle and I am relieved they have been sensible and it was planned and protected. I think that I would be totally okay with this if they were of consenting age. It's that they are still effectively children and we are responsible for her, as his parents are for him.

Me and DH were definitively not that emotionally available the past year or so and I do believe that this has led DD to put lots more emotion into this relationship that she otherwise would have, and can't turn back the clock now. Will look into counselling for her to give her a space to open up to a professional if she has stuff bottled up. xx

I also don't think you should blame yourself - firstly because what's happened is natural, not an abnormal disaster, and secondly because it feels rather OTT. It's less likely that she had sex because you were bereaved and more likely she had sex because she was attracted to her boyfriend and wanted to.

SirSidneyRuffDiamond · 09/01/2025 15:44

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

Don't be ridiculous. Since the boy is also only 15 you could equally say that the girl could end up on the sex offenders register. In reality there would be no prosecution of two 15 year olds indulging in consensual sex.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/01/2025 15:53

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

As could op dd then if her boyfriends parents reported her

They are both 15

Police aren't going to prosecute either of them

IdaGlossop · 09/01/2025 15:55

Like other posters, I think you have to accept that this is normal, that there was consent and that they used contraception. As parents, we cannot put a dampener on curiosity. I'm wondering what conversations you had with your DD in advance of her having sex with her BF. If you talked to her about consent and contraception, you should be pleased that somewhere along the line, your words hit home.

LarkspurLane · 09/01/2025 15:58

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

What about the girl? She had sex with a 15 year old. Will she also go on the register?

CatJ21 · 09/01/2025 16:00

At 14 I was having regular sex with my then boyfriend. Yes it’s young but it’s what happens. Whether you condone it or not she will still be doing it. So best just let it lie. Like others have said at least she used contraception

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/01/2025 16:02

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

Don’t talk rubbish.

PromiseNotToCall · 09/01/2025 16:04

Flatbellyfella · 09/01/2025 15:30

The boyfriend should tread carefully, as he could end up on the under age sex offenders register.

How so? They are both the same age and consented.

Trickytrix · 09/01/2025 16:08

At 15 I did as well, we were not in a loveydovey type relationship. More like mates that shared everything. Both looking forward to 6th form and maths A levels. (We were a bit obsessive at the time).
Never did me any harm!

Frith2013 · 09/01/2025 16:08

I would warn her about sending nude pictures (to him or anyone). That IS an offence, to send or receive photos of under 18s. Even if a couple of 17 year olds are married to each other!

AshCrapp · 09/01/2025 16:16

At the end of the day, 15 is a very normal age to want to have sex. She is having (presumably) safe and enthusiastic sex with a nice boy who she is happy with. That's not a bad start to a woman's sex life.

Ladamesansmerci · 09/01/2025 16:20

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/01/2025 14:01

She isn't old enough to give her consent.

Show quote history

Consent laws don't exist to punish teenagers who want to have sex. Things like this are why Gillick Competence exists and why some teens can access birth control without parental knowledge. This is clearly what has happened in this scenario.

OP, your daughter is in a long-term (by tern standards) relationship and has had consensual sec with birth control. Be proud she's done it safely.

Have a chat with her, say you'll support her going to the GP to discuss contraception if she wishes, and reiterate what consent means. I'd also try and have a chat about pressure/kinks and porn Vs real life sex.

Anoisagusaris · 09/01/2025 16:22

Frith2013 · 09/01/2025 13:24

Why are you devastated?

Surely most people have had sex as teenagers and it sounds like she is in a happy relationship and took precautions.

Eh no, I would say most people did not have sex at 15. Not in my circle anyway.

Prisonbreak · 09/01/2025 16:23

fishingfor · 09/01/2025 13:56

I'd certainly be telling the lad that he has broken the law.

No more than she has??

Custardslices · 09/01/2025 16:23

There is a fine line with supporting your DD and becoming the cool parent that allows it.

Support can get taken advantage of. You need to work out what rules your going to put in place and enforce them. They will carry on doing this but safety is a priority

Anoisagusaris · 09/01/2025 16:24

I am really surprised at people saying sex at age 15 - and younger - is normal.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 09/01/2025 16:28

I was taken aback when my 15yo son cheerfully announced that he thought I'd like to know that he was sexually active. My immediate response was to ask about contraception.

He gave me the most dramatic eye roll and drawled 'Muuumm' - which was fair tbh as he's always been the sort to take precautions.

He'd been with his gf for quite a while so I just accepted it. Her parents felt the same but when they eventually split up the poor girl was devastated. That's the issue with sexual relationships between the very young. They end up very deeply attached and the end of the relationship brings terrible heartache

drwitch · 09/01/2025 16:30

try to co-ordinate with the other set of parents on this -then you can establish common ground rules in both houses
i think its our job to make it hard for them to do it - so that if they change their mind - they can use the "mum is downstairs" line as an excuse