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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

BF embarrassing about money, it shows me up in public. Help :-S

104 replies

sunnyholidayneeded · 07/01/2025 18:49

Need some help on how best to deal with this please as it's really starting to give me the ick on an other nice bf. He's attentive, caring and so on. No other issues with him except when it comes to money.

He's 28 and in a reasonably paid job. Rented flat. No kids, car or other big financial commitments that I'm aware of.

Issues that have recently given me the ick details below:

Last night we went to Pizza Hut (lol, I know not very fancy but he likes it and yesterday was his birthday so I told him in advance the meal would be my treat).
The waitress came to take our order, she noted down my request for a coke and pizza then turned to him. He then (instead of addressing the waitress), looked at me and asked ME whether he could please have a coke and whatever the pizza was that he wanted. I was so embarassed, it was like a child asking their parent kind of scenario. I smiled politely and said yes, order whatever you'd like. He then asked ME again "is it ok if I order coke?" and then details of the pizza. I nodded and said you need to tell the waitress what you'd like, she's waiting and the place is busy. Hoping this would hurry him along, it didn't. He then started asking me if he can order a large pizza instead of the medium size I'd ordered for myself (both hungry). I said "for crying out loud, you need to just order it, the lady is waiting". He was like "only if that's ok.." and "would you mind?". If I minded or was going to be tight I wouldn't have said the meal would be my treat!

When the food arrived I wasn't relaxed, was sitting there wondering if he had even the slightest idea of how this had made me feel.

Later, he arranged a taxi home for me (from the Pizza Hut) and insisted that he pay for it. Wouldn't have been any more then £5 anyway. I could have walked but the rain was heavy. When the taxi arrived he started asking the driver if he'd accept a CHEQUE. Again, I was mortified. Like if you don't have money or a card to pay with, then don't order a taxi! Luckily I had money anyway so I ended up paying just to avoid any MORE embarassment but who the hell suggests paying a very small taxi far by CHEQUE?

Other icky incident was this morning at a Turkish-Greek type cafe near our village. We had a brunch there and when the waiter came to take our order, bf was asking "what's the cheapest sandwich you have?" and "how much would it be?" "would it be cheaper without the side garnish". Again, I wanted the floor to open up and get me away from there!

I'm leaning towards ending things with bf as I can't bear this sort of embarassment whenever we go anywhere or do things that cost money. Do I tell him the real reason I want to end things, or just make something up to spare his feelings? Help me!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 07/01/2025 18:52

Yikes. No. Just no.

Irie1980 · 07/01/2025 18:53

A cheque??? Did this man ever live independently?

Spirallingdownwards · 07/01/2025 18:54

He is careful with his own money so was politely checking that you were okay with paying for what he wanted to order. You say you aren't completely aware of what his financial background is or has been in the past. It may well be that he has come from a less well off background or has been in debt himself so now controls his spending. If it gives you the ick that is on you and only you can decide whether it is a deal breaker or not

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

Rocksaltrita · 07/01/2025 18:55

Goodbye to him!

Cheesandcrackers · 07/01/2025 18:55

He's not wrong. Your not wrong. The two of you just aren't financially compatible. Can you imagine buying a sofa with him or haggling with the IKEA check out person over a self assembly shelving unit... There is someone out there for him so don't be worried about.leaving him go.

OurDreamLife · 07/01/2025 18:55

You were paying for his meal at Pizza Hut so I can understand him checking with you that it’s an OK amount to spend.

He sounds like he has little money but is still trying to have meals out when he really can’t afford it. The flat is probably taking up the majority of his money.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/01/2025 18:56

A cheque 😂

TomatoSandwiches · 07/01/2025 18:56

A cheque for a taxi? 😂

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/01/2025 18:57

Tell him what you've told MN

VoltaireMittyDream · 07/01/2025 18:58

This is very unusual behaviour and unlikely to improve as he clearly has no self awareness. It’s not just about the money, is it - it’s about his childlike passivity and not knowing how to navigate the world as an adult.

Just tell him you are looking for different things.

Billydavey · 07/01/2025 18:59

It does seem a bit extreme but asking if what he was ordering when you’re paying is surely ok? I can imagine a thread where “bf ordered a large pizza for himself when I was paying without checking”…

overall he seems a bit much and not for you. Not necessarily wrong, you’re just different

beasmithwentworth · 07/01/2025 18:59

Oh goodness op. I was recently in a relationship with someone who related everything (it felt in the end) back to money and it's really not attractive is it?

It doesn't matter if someone has lots of money or not much at all - it's more the constant mentioning of it.

We went to Waitrose and I was hungry. He got a sandwich and I went for sushi.., the commentary on how much it cost (he paid) made me wish I had just gone for a sandwich. Also it spoils the occasion! I like a McDonald's breakfast (gross I know - guilty pleasure) occasionally. I bought it but even then he kept going on about how much they have put the prices up. He actually had lots of money but particularly when it came to food - it was always the cheapest of everything.

Just shut up!

As for the cheque... I'm a bit lost for words. Does he also ride a penny farthing?

It's really tricky as if everything is otherwise great then it seems minor.. but then it seeps into your enjoyment of the time you spend together. It's not about the actual money is it? Its the attitude and vocalising.

I suppose you have 2 options.

Tell him that you would prefer to just enjoy your outings/ time together without mentioning the cost. You agree in advance who is paying and let that be it. See what he says.

Or end things as potentially the ick Oz reversible.

Daisyvodka · 07/01/2025 19:00

Erm, not sure how to ask this without sounding really mean, but does he have quite a close relationship with overbearing parents/didn't go to uni/doesn't have many friends? Because I can see how this happens if you don't know better...

Kangarude · 07/01/2025 19:01

WTF? He was carrying a cheque book???

Mapleunicorn · 07/01/2025 19:01

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

My bank sent me 2 cheque books last year! God knows why. I haven’t written a cheque for years

Injectionstoslim · 07/01/2025 19:02

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

My parents still use them.

Chocolately · 07/01/2025 19:02

He's a time traveller, isn't he?!!

TomatoSandwiches · 07/01/2025 19:02

Do you know what, I would just have a little conversation about how it made you feel but respect his financial stance, he was respectful to you just a bit dodgy on not picking up your frustration.
Maybe agree to talk about menu options before you go out?
He sounds better than half the money wasters and moochers some people get lumbered with, give him a second chance.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/01/2025 19:04

I have a cheque book - had to write a cheque to DVLA this year! And HMRC and the Lottery (should you be lucky enough to win an amount they can't pay OTC in the Post Office) also pay by cheque.

menopausalfart · 07/01/2025 19:04

He sounds tight AF. I wonder if he used the cheque as an excuse not to pay?

Stationclare · 07/01/2025 19:06

beasmithwentworth · 07/01/2025 18:59

Oh goodness op. I was recently in a relationship with someone who related everything (it felt in the end) back to money and it's really not attractive is it?

It doesn't matter if someone has lots of money or not much at all - it's more the constant mentioning of it.

We went to Waitrose and I was hungry. He got a sandwich and I went for sushi.., the commentary on how much it cost (he paid) made me wish I had just gone for a sandwich. Also it spoils the occasion! I like a McDonald's breakfast (gross I know - guilty pleasure) occasionally. I bought it but even then he kept going on about how much they have put the prices up. He actually had lots of money but particularly when it came to food - it was always the cheapest of everything.

Just shut up!

As for the cheque... I'm a bit lost for words. Does he also ride a penny farthing?

It's really tricky as if everything is otherwise great then it seems minor.. but then it seeps into your enjoyment of the time you spend together. It's not about the actual money is it? Its the attitude and vocalising.

I suppose you have 2 options.

Tell him that you would prefer to just enjoy your outings/ time together without mentioning the cost. You agree in advance who is paying and let that be it. See what he says.

Or end things as potentially the ick Oz reversible.

I'm crying at the penny farthing

healthybychristmas · 07/01/2025 19:06

menopausalfart · 07/01/2025 19:04

He sounds tight AF. I wonder if he used the cheque as an excuse not to pay?

Yes of course he was. Taxi drivers never accepted cheques, did they? He was trying to look willing to pay but knew he would be foiled.

I would be so put off by this man I wouldn't even be able to speak to him to dump him.

Stationclare · 07/01/2025 19:08

Hes a penny pincher and thinks everyone else is the same.

Quitelikeit · 07/01/2025 19:09

😂 I can’t believe this I mean who knew such a person existed