BF embarrassing about money, it shows me up in public. Help :-S

[sunnyholidayneeded]

Need some help on how best to deal with this please as it's really starting to give me the ick on an other nice bf. He's attentive, caring and so on. No other issues with him except when it comes to money.

He's 28 and in a reasonably paid job. Rented flat. No kids, car or other big financial commitments that I'm aware of.

Issues that have recently given me the ick details below:

Last night we went to Pizza Hut (lol, I know not very fancy but he likes it and yesterday was his birthday so I told him in advance the meal would be my treat).
The waitress came to take our order, she noted down my request for a coke and pizza then turned to him. He then (instead of addressing the waitress), looked at me and asked ME whether he could please have a coke and whatever the pizza was that he wanted. I was so embarassed, it was like a child asking their parent kind of scenario. I smiled politely and said yes, order whatever you'd like. He then asked ME again "is it ok if I order coke?" and then details of the pizza. I nodded and said you need to tell the waitress what you'd like, she's waiting and the place is busy. Hoping this would hurry him along, it didn't. He then started asking me if he can order a large pizza instead of the medium size I'd ordered for myself (both hungry). I said "for crying out loud, you need to just order it, the lady is waiting". He was like "only if that's ok.." and "would you mind?". If I minded or was going to be tight I wouldn't have said the meal would be my treat!

When the food arrived I wasn't relaxed, was sitting there wondering if he had even the slightest idea of how this had made me feel.

Later, he arranged a taxi home for me (from the Pizza Hut) and insisted that he pay for it. Wouldn't have been any more then £5 anyway. I could have walked but the rain was heavy. When the taxi arrived he started asking the driver if he'd accept a CHEQUE. Again, I was mortified. Like if you don't have money or a card to pay with, then don't order a taxi! Luckily I had money anyway so I ended up paying just to avoid any MORE embarassment but who the hell suggests paying a very small taxi far by CHEQUE?

Other icky incident was this morning at a Turkish-Greek type cafe near our village. We had a brunch there and when the waiter came to take our order, bf was asking "what's the cheapest sandwich you have?" and "how much would it be?" "would it be cheaper without the side garnish". Again, I wanted the floor to open up and get me away from there!

I'm leaning towards ending things with bf as I can't bear this sort of embarassment whenever we go anywhere or do things that cost money. Do I tell him the real reason I want to end things, or just make something up to spare his feelings? Help me!

The hills are that way 👉

I think I could stand on the high street of my city every day all week asking every passer by if they were 28 and did they carry a cheque book, and not find one that did.

What a special solider, I would say that if you can't go out for a pizza or for breakfast with a person without wanting the ground to swallow you whole, and feeling deep mortification, than you probably shouldn't hang out with that person.

Have you ever seen the film big 🤔

This is the best reply😭😭😭

If your attitudes to money are mismatched, this is unlikely to change.

The permission seeking in the pizza place sounds tiresome and the attempt to find the cheapest option in the cafe and then trying to secure a discount by not taking the garnish would draw my attention to his behaviour when spending money.

As for the taxi, I don't know anyone who carries a chequebook anymore however I do have one and write cheques a few time a year for posting 'birthday money' with cards and anything to be paid by post.

Imagine investing (pun intended) in this relationship and how finances will be in the future. Can you see yourself accepting his behaviour around money? You can decide if you are financially compatible in the same way you consider other qualities in a relationship.

Yes cheque books are still available on requests with most high street banks though it would be rare for anyone under about 70 to still use one.

God, I love MN, sometimes. This thread has made me laugh so much! Thank you, everyone! 🤣🤣🤣

You're chatting absolute wham about cheques not being available.

OP - Presumably this isn't the first time you've been out for food...is he like this every time? I'd potentially understand someone asking me if it was OK to order a certain thing if I'd offered to pay (very early in a relationship)...but I'd expect a normal person to ask before ordering, not during.

As for the cheque...bizarre.

Is he neurodiverse? Some of this sounds really socially inappropriate rather than just about money. I mean at 28 you should know that you can’t barter over garnish. Also, struggling to speak to the waitress. If it was just about money he could have made a quick appraisal of the menu to spot the cheapest option without even commenting, the fact he’s being so crass about it makes me wonder if he’s not recognising that it’s inappropriate.

I got a cheque book with my sole trader business account about 6 months ago.

How embarrassing asking for the cheapest sandwich and wanting a reduction without sides. Next time you are planning to go out ask him first if he has the means because either he's very broke or extremely tight. I think it's the latter so LTB!

He sounds broke to me.
He probably can’t afford to go for a coffee and a sandwich.

I can really understand your humiliation though.

I agree. I didn’t read he was tight with money, he just doesn’t understand what the social norms around eating out.
I don’t like to jump to ND, because there could be a number of reasons for his behaviour. As one other poster suggested, he might have overbearing parents, and has never learned social etiquette.

My partner is neuro divergent and would see this as very direct and straight talking. I read your OP to him and he said the idea that it is embarrassing is a you problem because you care about what other NT think. This guy is just very clear.

Oh honey no. Throw this one back!

They are. They are not automatically issued but you can request them.

Some bank accounts do issue chequebooks, My nephews granny sent him a cheque for Christmas. Just because you haven't seen a cheque for 20 years doesn't mean they don't exist!

I’d be out. Trying to pay the taxi driver with a cheque would do it for me, and I’d struggle with the constant asking when you’d already confirmed,

Suggest he tries barter next time.

The first bit I kind of understand since you said it was your treat, if you haven't been together long then he might not want to look like he's taking the piss.

The other 2 examples would make me want to crawl in a hole 🤣 me and DH used to go to a nice steak place, nothing extortionate.. he was telling his parents about the 3 course lunch deal we had just had, they should give it a try etc. One of them said about how you could just share between the 2 of you and order tap water, doesn't have to be expensive. I can't even imagine doing that 🙈 they aren't poor btw

My mum has a cheque book! I've never had one though and I'm nearly 40 🤣

Yeah but that's the same as me asking the taxi driver if he accepts buttons as payment 🤣 clear question but still as stupid!

I once went out to dinner with a man who tried to pay with luncheon vouchers. I paid the lot and left a tip - which he pocketed. First date, last date.

That wasn't meant as a criticism OP. I have just read it back and want to add, I do think it's fine to end the relationship but not because I think either of you are wrong at all, just suggesting you think differently perhaps.

Gawd