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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

BF embarrassing about money, it shows me up in public. Help :-S

104 replies

sunnyholidayneeded · 07/01/2025 18:49

Need some help on how best to deal with this please as it's really starting to give me the ick on an other nice bf. He's attentive, caring and so on. No other issues with him except when it comes to money.

He's 28 and in a reasonably paid job. Rented flat. No kids, car or other big financial commitments that I'm aware of.

Issues that have recently given me the ick details below:

Last night we went to Pizza Hut (lol, I know not very fancy but he likes it and yesterday was his birthday so I told him in advance the meal would be my treat).
The waitress came to take our order, she noted down my request for a coke and pizza then turned to him. He then (instead of addressing the waitress), looked at me and asked ME whether he could please have a coke and whatever the pizza was that he wanted. I was so embarassed, it was like a child asking their parent kind of scenario. I smiled politely and said yes, order whatever you'd like. He then asked ME again "is it ok if I order coke?" and then details of the pizza. I nodded and said you need to tell the waitress what you'd like, she's waiting and the place is busy. Hoping this would hurry him along, it didn't. He then started asking me if he can order a large pizza instead of the medium size I'd ordered for myself (both hungry). I said "for crying out loud, you need to just order it, the lady is waiting". He was like "only if that's ok.." and "would you mind?". If I minded or was going to be tight I wouldn't have said the meal would be my treat!

When the food arrived I wasn't relaxed, was sitting there wondering if he had even the slightest idea of how this had made me feel.

Later, he arranged a taxi home for me (from the Pizza Hut) and insisted that he pay for it. Wouldn't have been any more then £5 anyway. I could have walked but the rain was heavy. When the taxi arrived he started asking the driver if he'd accept a CHEQUE. Again, I was mortified. Like if you don't have money or a card to pay with, then don't order a taxi! Luckily I had money anyway so I ended up paying just to avoid any MORE embarassment but who the hell suggests paying a very small taxi far by CHEQUE?

Other icky incident was this morning at a Turkish-Greek type cafe near our village. We had a brunch there and when the waiter came to take our order, bf was asking "what's the cheapest sandwich you have?" and "how much would it be?" "would it be cheaper without the side garnish". Again, I wanted the floor to open up and get me away from there!

I'm leaning towards ending things with bf as I can't bear this sort of embarassment whenever we go anywhere or do things that cost money. Do I tell him the real reason I want to end things, or just make something up to spare his feelings? Help me!

OP posts:
jannier · 07/01/2025 19:09

Is this a script from would I lie to you? Cheque ....nope it's a lie.

BlackChunkyBoots · 07/01/2025 19:11

LTB. Ick.

applebee33 · 07/01/2025 19:11

Oh is he special ? I couldn't be with someone who behaved like that

2chocolateoranges · 07/01/2025 19:11

If I had been serving you in either Pizza Hut and the cafe I would think your oh was on the spectrum. Why would someone ask so many questions when in a restaurant .

as a partner I could do it. I’d call things off.

DaringLion · 07/01/2025 19:12

What 28 yr old uses a cheque?

HenDoNot · 07/01/2025 19:16

Has he been in prison since he was a teenager or something, because this sounds like someone who has never experienced living as an independent adult.

tailinthejam · 07/01/2025 19:17

Never mind the money, he just sounds tiresome anyway.

Next!

Spirallingdownwards · 07/01/2025 19:18

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

They are still issued and still used albeit not as frequently. Indeed there is function to pay cheques in using online banking.

purplepillow14 · 07/01/2025 19:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

poemsandwine · 07/01/2025 19:20

OurDreamLife · 07/01/2025 18:55

You were paying for his meal at Pizza Hut so I can understand him checking with you that it’s an OK amount to spend.

He sounds like he has little money but is still trying to have meals out when he really can’t afford it. The flat is probably taking up the majority of his money.

This. You can have the ick about it, but he's not wrong as such.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2025 19:21

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

Of course they have!

Banks still accept cheques

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2025 19:23

healthybychristmas · 07/01/2025 19:06

Yes of course he was. Taxi drivers never accepted cheques, did they? He was trying to look willing to pay but knew he would be foiled.

I would be so put off by this man I wouldn't even be able to speak to him to dump him.

Not all taxis are black cabs, so yes they did (and still do)

niadainud · 07/01/2025 19:23

beasmithwentworth · 07/01/2025 18:59

Oh goodness op. I was recently in a relationship with someone who related everything (it felt in the end) back to money and it's really not attractive is it?

It doesn't matter if someone has lots of money or not much at all - it's more the constant mentioning of it.

We went to Waitrose and I was hungry. He got a sandwich and I went for sushi.., the commentary on how much it cost (he paid) made me wish I had just gone for a sandwich. Also it spoils the occasion! I like a McDonald's breakfast (gross I know - guilty pleasure) occasionally. I bought it but even then he kept going on about how much they have put the prices up. He actually had lots of money but particularly when it came to food - it was always the cheapest of everything.

Just shut up!

As for the cheque... I'm a bit lost for words. Does he also ride a penny farthing?

It's really tricky as if everything is otherwise great then it seems minor.. but then it seeps into your enjoyment of the time you spend together. It's not about the actual money is it? Its the attitude and vocalising.

I suppose you have 2 options.

Tell him that you would prefer to just enjoy your outings/ time together without mentioning the cost. You agree in advance who is paying and let that be it. See what he says.

Or end things as potentially the ick Oz reversible.

Possibly just a farthing, seeing as he's clearly a total penny-pincher.

Bettergetthebunker · 07/01/2025 19:24

beasmithwentworth · 07/01/2025 18:59

Oh goodness op. I was recently in a relationship with someone who related everything (it felt in the end) back to money and it's really not attractive is it?

It doesn't matter if someone has lots of money or not much at all - it's more the constant mentioning of it.

We went to Waitrose and I was hungry. He got a sandwich and I went for sushi.., the commentary on how much it cost (he paid) made me wish I had just gone for a sandwich. Also it spoils the occasion! I like a McDonald's breakfast (gross I know - guilty pleasure) occasionally. I bought it but even then he kept going on about how much they have put the prices up. He actually had lots of money but particularly when it came to food - it was always the cheapest of everything.

Just shut up!

As for the cheque... I'm a bit lost for words. Does he also ride a penny farthing?

It's really tricky as if everything is otherwise great then it seems minor.. but then it seeps into your enjoyment of the time you spend together. It's not about the actual money is it? Its the attitude and vocalising.

I suppose you have 2 options.

Tell him that you would prefer to just enjoy your outings/ time together without mentioning the cost. You agree in advance who is paying and let that be it. See what he says.

Or end things as potentially the ick Oz reversible.

I saw someone riding a penny farthing the other day, surprised people didn’t just fall sideways off them in ye olden days.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2025 19:25

Jeremy Vine rides one...

TwistedWonder · 07/01/2025 19:26

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

You can still request a cheque book but most people don’t. My patents still have one. It drives my 20 year old DS mad that they send him a cheque for his birthday/Christmas

I work for a large wealth managers and you’d be shocked how many cheques we still get sent - though mostly older clients.

VoltaireMittyDream · 07/01/2025 19:30

TomatoSandwiches · 07/01/2025 19:02

Do you know what, I would just have a little conversation about how it made you feel but respect his financial stance, he was respectful to you just a bit dodgy on not picking up your frustration.
Maybe agree to talk about menu options before you go out?
He sounds better than half the money wasters and moochers some people get lumbered with, give him a second chance.

Come on, this guy has potential financial abuser written all over him. Imagine having a child with him, and him querying every tiny expenditure - does DC really need new shoes? Do we really need the heating on? Can you stop DC eating so much?

Also, not understanding how to pay for things or speak to waitstaff to order his own food at nearly 30 seems indicative of much deeper social communication problems.

Moochers and money wasters aren’t the only people it’s not a good idea to hitch your wagon to.

MarshMallowHeather · 07/01/2025 19:32

Stationclare · 07/01/2025 19:06

I'm crying at the penny farthing

Same 🤣

Stickortwigs · 07/01/2025 19:33

Cheques take a few days to be cashed. Could it be he’s got no money till he’s paid or something. I know that was a trick back along when we were skint students.

orangewasp · 07/01/2025 19:34

When he asked you if the coke was OK, you should've looked him dead in the eye and said 'no, you're only allowed tap water'.

Elenasunshine · 07/01/2025 19:34

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, reading this. Take your heels off & run…

LostittoBostik · 07/01/2025 19:37

He doesn't have any money. There have not been cheques available in the 10 years he's been old enough to hold a chequing account.

Don't leave him over his lack of money. Leave him over his unwillingness to be honest with you about money - which is a huge red flag.

AhBiscuits · 07/01/2025 19:43

I'm sure there's a woman out there for him but it would be a no from me. I have no interest in anyone cheap and/or broke.
Toss him back, find someone more on the same page.

GreetingCeridwen · 07/01/2025 19:43

If he'd asked those questions before the waitress had come over that would have been different. Kind of. It would still have made me cringe, personally, but at least there wouldn't have been a witness to such an awkward conversation. Same with the taxi thing. These are all conversations that could just as easily have been kept private. Is it possible he gets a thrill out of embarrassing you? People get off on all sorts of stuff.

Azandme · 07/01/2025 19:45

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 18:55

Cheq books haven't been issued for about twenty years have they, I call foul

My kids get cheques from older family members.