BF embarrassing about money, it shows me up in public. Help :-S

[sunnyholidayneeded]

Need some help on how best to deal with this please as it's really starting to give me the ick on an other nice bf. He's attentive, caring and so on. No other issues with him except when it comes to money.

He's 28 and in a reasonably paid job. Rented flat. No kids, car or other big financial commitments that I'm aware of.

Issues that have recently given me the ick details below:

Last night we went to Pizza Hut (lol, I know not very fancy but he likes it and yesterday was his birthday so I told him in advance the meal would be my treat).
The waitress came to take our order, she noted down my request for a coke and pizza then turned to him. He then (instead of addressing the waitress), looked at me and asked ME whether he could please have a coke and whatever the pizza was that he wanted. I was so embarassed, it was like a child asking their parent kind of scenario. I smiled politely and said yes, order whatever you'd like. He then asked ME again "is it ok if I order coke?" and then details of the pizza. I nodded and said you need to tell the waitress what you'd like, she's waiting and the place is busy. Hoping this would hurry him along, it didn't. He then started asking me if he can order a large pizza instead of the medium size I'd ordered for myself (both hungry). I said "for crying out loud, you need to just order it, the lady is waiting". He was like "only if that's ok.." and "would you mind?". If I minded or was going to be tight I wouldn't have said the meal would be my treat!

When the food arrived I wasn't relaxed, was sitting there wondering if he had even the slightest idea of how this had made me feel.

Later, he arranged a taxi home for me (from the Pizza Hut) and insisted that he pay for it. Wouldn't have been any more then £5 anyway. I could have walked but the rain was heavy. When the taxi arrived he started asking the driver if he'd accept a CHEQUE. Again, I was mortified. Like if you don't have money or a card to pay with, then don't order a taxi! Luckily I had money anyway so I ended up paying just to avoid any MORE embarassment but who the hell suggests paying a very small taxi far by CHEQUE?

Other icky incident was this morning at a Turkish-Greek type cafe near our village. We had a brunch there and when the waiter came to take our order, bf was asking "what's the cheapest sandwich you have?" and "how much would it be?" "would it be cheaper without the side garnish". Again, I wanted the floor to open up and get me away from there!

I'm leaning towards ending things with bf as I can't bear this sort of embarassment whenever we go anywhere or do things that cost money. Do I tell him the real reason I want to end things, or just make something up to spare his feelings? Help me!

OK, as an ND woman, I suppose I can sort of see how the Pizza Hut scenario could potentially pan out (I would see this as rude rather than direct, but I'm not everyone and not everyone is me). Maybe. But the paying with a cheque thing - no. We're ND, not from the past. Being ND also doesn't necessarily mean you'd try to identify the cheapest thing on the menu and then barter the price down. In fact, most ND people I know would see the price and accept it as a rigid thing. I can't imagine any of them effectively trying to haggle.

I'm also beginning to find the way a lot of MN threads about women's actual discomfort are derailed by the potential discomfort of men who might be ND more than a bit tiresome. I'm sure some people think they're being helpful or 'right on', but it's actually really disrespectful to women and really insulting to ND people. We're a broad church. Not everyone who behaves in a way that causes discomfort to others is ND and I think we need to stop assuming they are. If we're told they're ND, then fine. But the assumption is pretty ableist imo.

Didn't you discuss what you were going to order before the waitress came over?

I don't think i could stay in a relationship with someone so.... unworldly. I would feel like his carer rather than his partner. I think if you want to stay in the relationship, you need to have a serious talk with him about his behaviour.

Er,sorry ,no. Unless he has the best sex god looks in the universe and or the sex is mind blowing ,move on tomorrow...

My bank (Santander) regularly sends me new cheque books

Christ the waitress must of thought you were his carer

Gross. This is him in your "sweeping each other up in blissful rapture" honeymoon phase. I honestly think that in a year, two years, five years, you'll be kicking yourself for not ending it with him, if you stay together. MN is awash with horror stories of tight / miserly blokes that women have ended up chained to with kids / mortgages etc 🙁

I had a female friend who is certainly tight, only buys things fairly cheap from charity shops, keeps detailed Excel spreadsheets of every penny, kept ordering tap water or soda and lime to drink when we went out. She was bloody tight and it annoyed the heck out of me, so I used to be overly frivolous and see what she said! I'm all for being careful, but she (and your boyfriend OP) are just too tight for anyone. It's so off putting.

It sounds like he's stone broke but wants to try to keep up with you and be social.

When I met DH he was 23 and living in his own flat and to me that seemed impressive and like he must be doing well, but in reality I learned after a few months that in order to make me a nice meal at the weekend he would go all week eating nothing but a loaf of bread and a tesco value pack of wafer thin ham, because it's all he could afford. He was literally counting the pennies and the smallest increase in price or extra cost would mean he would run out of electric on his meter and be sat in the dark.

Speak to him, find out what his financial situation is and whether there is a reasonable explanation for his concern about the cost of eating out.

Oh and paying with a cheque is a method to delay the payment by a few days if you're waiting for your pay check. Much like back in the old days if you had a Solo debit card you could get up to £50 cash back in a shop without the bank verifying your balance, so a way of getting an unofficial overdraft the day before pay was put in.

The putting you in the “mum” role is a total passion killer. And the asking for money off is just total cringe. Just…no.

Penny farthing 😀😀

I'm wondering what the back story is too...massive debt? Grew up in a cult? A time traveller?

Howling at penny farthing 😂

I have a cheque book, but not for taxi use! Admittedly last cheque I wrote was months ago. But back to OP, I think you need to explain how his overly considerate behaviour is embarrassing, even if you decide to tell him it’s over. He probably thinks he’s being caring but I couldn’t cope I’d have told him after the pizza order was finally made!

Sounds like an immature weirdo. Bin.

When the taxi arrived he started asking the driver if he'd accept a CHEQUE.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I would've wanted to see the actual cheque book 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Tbh the Pizza Hut scenario kind of reminds me of myself when I was younger and on dates! What was his upbringing like? I grew up in lower class, when my parents divorced I was brought up with a mum on benefits. Even when my parents were together we never had had a holiday and I don’t recall ever having takeaways or meals out. If we were bought fish and chips we’d all share what most people would have as a meal alone.

in my younger days, the attitude to money id been brought up with, meant I would feel really bad if anyone was getting me a meal, I’d instantly look for the cheapest meal choice so as not to look as though I was taking the piss and pretty much check for validation in the same way! It made me determined to work and I have a degree and miney to spare each month but growing up that way wasn’t fun. I didn’t do clubs like friends or learn an instrument and even now I still have that ingrained mentality about how I grew up financially

I'd ask him about his money situation. It may be that he broke. In which case, fine. Admit that. Rather than look like a tight arse.

Awful, awful, awful.

Stop providing for a man. You are NOT his mother. Why are you settling for a man like this ....?

He should make sandwiches at home if he can't afford to eat out.

I am sorry if this sounds brusk, but I will say it anyway: Do not date broke men unless you want to pay for everything. Heck, if he's looking for the cheapest sandwich in a cafe (he could read the menu and work it out for himself), then there is little hope for him. He will always penny-pinch, and your purse will take the hit.

It's unattractive for men to behave like this after a certain age. My vagina would have locked itself shut.

Gosh what an excellent wheeze to avoid paying for things.

Unless he's not left the house for 20 years he's just a sponge. Dump him.

I still have a cheque book and use it occasionally!

I bet you don't whip it out to pay for a £5 cab fare though.

Why would anyone use a cheque nowadays?

It was his stunt to have the OP pay for the taxi.

There's nothing worse than a broke and dusty man who wants women to pay for everything.

🤢🤮

He is mean and so cringe with it.
Don't doubt yourself.

When I am out and about with DH I want to feel relaxed not uptight/embarrassed. There is no way I could go out with this guy!