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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Close Male friend has feelings for me

103 replies

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 20:43

I have a close male friend - he's a friend of the family. Recently, we've been spending more time together, mainly with family but at the weekend we went out for couple of hours on own.

This guy is literally perfect 'future life partner material'. I was in a long term abusive relationship - this ended 5 years ago now and we share a DD. The guy in question very clearly has feelings for me. However, despite him being an absolute dream I do not fancy him. He's not a bad-looking guy I just don't fancy him but do at time enjoy his company.

My best friend said she thinks I'm shutting him out because I have huge commitment issues and quite a lot of unresolved trauma from previous relationship (which I have had counselling on/off for this).

However, as I'm now 35, I have started to wonder if it's worth dating him with the hope that I might change my mind. I have dated lots of idiots, however despite feeling very comfortable on my own, over Christmas, I did start to miss being in a relationship (for the first time in a very very long time).

He's a bit too eager and I think that's what puts me off him, whereas in the past I've always been attracted to players, unavailable narcissistic men. And I think at my age (particularly if one day I decide I want another child) I need to settle with a decent person.

When I went out with him at weekend he sat close by and I felt creeped out which tells me maybe it's not right. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 06/01/2025 21:59

How old is this guy? Because he sounds either way too young for you.... or major red flags that he's a similar age without ever having a relationship and still lives at home.

How long has he shown an interest in you? How old is your daughter?

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 22:10

He's 36. He's a close family friend so I've known him pretty much from school. My DD is 9 and he looks after his niece a lot (my DD's best friend), that's why we see lots of them

OP posts:
Anisekat · 06/01/2025 22:12

The problem is now that hes stated his interest, the line between friendship and something more has been crossed. Even if you convince yourself you can remain friends, it wont work.

Tillow4ever · 06/01/2025 22:15

Personally, and I may be way off the mark here, but I’d be wary of a man approaching 40 who seems like the perfect guy but has never had a relationship that he finds a way to be around pre-pubescent girls. I hope I’m way off the mark, and apologise if I am. But I’ve read far, far too many stories featuring guys that seemed so great and turned out to only be interested where there was a child he could access.

Again, I really hope I’m wrong. But the fact you felt creeped out by him is enough not to pursue something anyway.

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 22:17

@Anisekat He hasen't officially said he is interested but he's done the following things which make me think he is interested

  • Come round on xmas eve with lots of gifts for me
  • Send me a mushy heart birthday card
  • Asks me (on message) what im doing everyday and tells me he's not doing anything (I feel he is constantly waiting around)
  • Wants to always be near me
  • Mentioned going away together
  • Hints at coming to social events with me (even though I don't ask him)
  • Buys my DD gifts
These are just in the last couple of weeks, there has been more. But he has never tried it on or anything
OP posts:
SexAndCakes · 06/01/2025 22:26

You don't fancy him OP. Don't go down that path - there are no good outcomes.

ImmortalSnowman · 06/01/2025 22:30

Why is he buying your DD gifts? Just birthday and Christmas or without a reason?

Seaoftroubles · 06/01/2025 22:49

OP just explain to him that you like him as a friend and that's it. If you don't fancy him then you definitely need to dial things down as l can't imagine that will change. He sounds far too invested in a relationship with you and your daughter tbh and as mentioned you need to be aware that some men do target single women with young children. It also seems strange that he spends alot of time looking after his neice, why is that?

justworking · 07/01/2025 06:00

Follow your gut and back off a little bit.

Do not ignore your gut instinct and 'settle'.

He isn't the one for you

BBBusterkeys · 07/01/2025 07:05

Seaoftroubles · 06/01/2025 22:49

OP just explain to him that you like him as a friend and that's it. If you don't fancy him then you definitely need to dial things down as l can't imagine that will change. He sounds far too invested in a relationship with you and your daughter tbh and as mentioned you need to be aware that some men do target single women with young children. It also seems strange that he spends alot of time looking after his neice, why is that?

Yeah, this thought crossed my
mind too when the OP mentioned about him getting on well with her daughter.

OP, listen to your gut. You felt creeped out by him sitting next to you. Our instincts are not usually wrong, we’ve just been trained to ignore them. Don’t ignore them on this one just because your friend thinks he’s a catch.

if you don’t feel attracted to him, minimise contact and only see him at family things. If he pushes, just tell him you don’t feel that way about him.

KeepinOn · 07/01/2025 07:09

Nobody 'deserves' a relationship, no matter how nice they may seem. And anyway, this fella is tripping your alarm bells for some reason, so don't ignore that.

Original poster
Holibobby · 07/01/2025 09:29

Thank you for all your comments, it's really helped with perspective. I really don't think there is anything ontoward with kids but it's defintley made me think - and put me on my guard. I like the message where the poster said just because he is nice and seems genuine it doesn't mean that he 'deserves' a relationship. I'm going to minimise engagement until he gets the hint that I don't want anything more.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 07/01/2025 09:44

Holibobby · 07/01/2025 09:29

Thank you for all your comments, it's really helped with perspective. I really don't think there is anything ontoward with kids but it's defintley made me think - and put me on my guard. I like the message where the poster said just because he is nice and seems genuine it doesn't mean that he 'deserves' a relationship. I'm going to minimise engagement until he gets the hint that I don't want anything more.

This seems sensible - and I think as parents we should always be wary of anyone we bring into our lives anyway. As I said before, it might all be perfectly innocent, but at least if you are watching out for anything untoward, you can know for sure! And yes, you don’t owe him a relationship. He chooses to buy you and your daughter gifts. This could be seen as love bombing. Or he’s trying to guilt you into starting something with him because he’s been so generous. You didn’t ask for those gifts….

AltitudeCheck · 07/01/2025 09:56

From what you have said he won't pick up on hints, he'll probably just try harder and that will creep you out even more.

Speak to him, make it clear that you value his friendship but that you don't appreciate the romantic things like mushy cards and that if he wants the friendship to continue he needs to stop that.

He's probably just a nice guy who's been friend zoned by women up to now but I agree with PP, I'd be watchful of his interest in and interactions with the girls too. Not accusing, but very vigilant, just incase his lack of relationship experience with adult women is down to something more sinister.

Daisyvodka · 07/01/2025 10:09

I think my issue here would be if you think the root of him living at home and never having had a girlfriend is confidence, what is he doing about it?
I would be very wary given your history of an abusive relationship - you need someone whose more mature in relationships than the average man, not less, because you are still healing - you need someone who has a good grip on what's normal in a relationship, not just someone whose nice to you and doesn't hit you, but someone who is going to recognise if you start putting their needs above yours, if you are staying silent on important issues to avoid conflict, someone whose comfortable with taking ownership if they get things wrong, saying sorry, not trying to throw a pity party for themselves but just getting on and changing for the better. You need someone whose more mature, not less, or you will end up repeating patterns off behaviour and they will not know any different to recognise this.
Plus... trust your gut - if you are getting creeper out by close proximity, thay is your gut SCREAMING at you... don't ignore it.

WhydontyouMove · 07/01/2025 10:12

Its a concern that your friend is encouraging you to get into a relationship with someone with poor social skills, who’s never had a relationship and who you’re not attracted to? Why is she trying to convince you that your creeped out feelings weren’t valid?

Message this male friend and let him know you’re not looking for a relationship. Make sure your dd is safeguarded.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 07/01/2025 10:36

Are you sure he's not neurodivergent and doesn't understand social cues? Have you asked?

As much as comments here seem to focus on you running and him being creepy because 'you' feel he is. This is based on your previous confessed attractions to narcissistic types. He is being overly nice, but as someone who lacks dating experience, and probabaly confidence in that department, he is going to make mistakes. Tell him!

You have to be able to reflect on your own behaviour too, and own the part that perhaps needs work.

" My friend thinks me feeling 'creeped out' is because it's a commitment thing and me being slightly terrified of men"

Terrified of men is perhaps based on the dysfunctional past relationships you've had. An overly nice man who may have some neurodivergent condition is not the person for you. Clearly you have not openly communicated to him where you stand and that you only see him as a friend. Had you done this, he would not be getting (what he may see as) mixed signals from you. He may be reading the room wrong as no one is giving clarity to the situation.

You being 'creeped out' speaks volumes. Is he really a friend? I'm not sure real friend would creep you out.
To be a kind person, do the right thing and sit down with him. Tell him however you feel about what he does and that it's too much in a friendship, it makes you feel awkward. This way, at least he has this lesson moving forward if you end the friendship.

It's like failing to get a job you though you were the perfect match for. No feedback from interview will always have you wondering 'why'. With feedback, although dissapointed, you will understand and can move on.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:43

I'm so confused 'he's the dream guy' and 'but I don't fancy him'. OK so he's not the dream guy. He's just some guy you dont fancy.

I hate that women are conditioned to tie themselves in knits just because some guy likes them. So what!? You're not a horse to be bought at an auction ffs.

Not only that - he even creeps you out!

This is utterly nuts. Tell him to fuck off. And don't worry about being nice about it. You have instincts for a reason.

Your friend is either an idiot or an arsehole too fyi.

Also, a minimum of 1 in 20 men are paedophile. Who often go for single mums. And who focus on love bombing the mother for the first year or so. Abusers in general are often drawn to victims if abuse too.

Fucking run

Original poster
Holibobby · 07/01/2025 11:21

I don't know why but i feel really sorry for him - he literally sits around waiting for me every day and every day without fail - I tell him I'm busy (which is not a lie as I juggle a lot with DD and career). But it's going past the point of being nice and in the realm of creep.

I've not replied to his messages last night and he's just text saying 'what you doing for lunch?do you want to go out or can bring you something you like or come and cook you your favourite - steak' This actually makes me want to vomit! I work a lot from home - if he just randomly turned up I think I would just explode the way I'm feeling with it all at the moment.

I'm feeling so claustrophobic- he's turned up in the past to 'post' christmas cards etc.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 11:26

You need to put your big girl pants kn and ve honest op or this isn't going to get better.

'Hey Jim, sorry mate but I'm feeling a bit stifled. I appreciate the effort you've gone to and think you're a great fella. But not the one for me. And I don't want to string you along. Wishing you all the best - sarah'.

Then I'd actually be inclined to block him tbh.

'Nice guys' try to guilt you into 'being nice'. You don't owe him that, or your time or company.

ImmortalSnowman · 07/01/2025 11:28

How do you think he'd react if you told him you had plans to meet someone you'd met OLD?

You're already feeling smothered by his unwanted attention, sounds like he's potentially controlling and making it clear you're not interested is going to be difficult.

Try to make plans as much as you can with other people so he can't just turn up. Tell your friend he needs to back off, you don't want to date him too. I'd be wary she was encouraging him.

Tillow4ever · 07/01/2025 11:44

Ok I’m even starting to get creeped out now the more you describe him and his behaviour! Trust your gut.

Original poster
Holibobby · 07/01/2025 11:44

I do need to be more direct. He's now invited me to his friends house, invited me on a family break and countless more things - and that's with me ignorning his messages, so I don't think ignoring is working! I will message him tongiht and just say sorry I just want to stay mates. Another of my friends realises how creepy its getting and she said it seems like he is convinced your in a relationship with each other.

OP posts: