Close Male friend has feelings for me

[Holibobby]

I have a close male friend - he's a friend of the family. Recently, we've been spending more time together, mainly with family but at the weekend we went out for couple of hours on own.

This guy is literally perfect 'future life partner material'. I was in a long term abusive relationship - this ended 5 years ago now and we share a DD. The guy in question very clearly has feelings for me. However, despite him being an absolute dream I do not fancy him. He's not a bad-looking guy I just don't fancy him but do at time enjoy his company.

My best friend said she thinks I'm shutting him out because I have huge commitment issues and quite a lot of unresolved trauma from previous relationship (which I have had counselling on/off for this).

However, as I'm now 35, I have started to wonder if it's worth dating him with the hope that I might change my mind. I have dated lots of idiots, however despite feeling very comfortable on my own, over Christmas, I did start to miss being in a relationship (for the first time in a very very long time).

He's a bit too eager and I think that's what puts me off him, whereas in the past I've always been attracted to players, unavailable narcissistic men. And I think at my age (particularly if one day I decide I want another child) I need to settle with a decent person.

When I went out with him at weekend he sat close by and I felt creeped out which tells me maybe it's not right. I'm not sure what to do.

This is sauntering into very creepy territory.

Stop telling him stuff. He does not need to know where you're going, what you're eating, what you're doing.

No

Sorry if you’ve already covered this - is he ND?

@Sceptical123 i am 100% sure he is ND

Right, so, while it is obviously an increasingly uncomfortable (horrendous) situation for you, at least there is some kind of an explanation beyond him being unaccountably weird, potentially sociopathic etc. It’s likely more that he is oblivious to other ppl’s boundaries and it’s more challenging for him to pick up on social cues etc, which is itself really sad, but ultimately you shouldn’t have to suffer for it.

Are you friends with his sister/ parents at all? Would it be possible for you to have a word with any of them about it? It would be in their interests, as presumably they love and care about him and would want to protect him from himself and any fallout before this escalates further.

Omg OP. Disengage from him ASAP.

At the very least tell him you're out at the women's institute, I don't think he will rock up there.

He sure is creepy.

You can't be friends with him. Absolutely not.

@Sceptical123 Yeah that’s why I’ve always felt sorry for him. I don’t necessarily think I should bring it up with his family as would create lots of embarrassment on his behalf. I’m going to keep a distance and then if it still continues then maybe i could perhaps flag it with his sister.

I think that’s a good idea, OP, I hope it works out well for you, and it’s really good you’re being so understanding given the circumstances. Many wouldn’t.

At the risk of making light of this uncomfortable situation, I admit my first thought was -

This

Definitely well into the creepy territory now. It could just be because he’s ND or it could be that he’s a creepy man who feels entitled to you! Don’t put yourself in a position to find out.

Definitely don’t tell him of any plans you have. Don’t read or reply immediately to his messages - in fact do both. Wait for ages to read it and then don’t reply at all or wait for a while. Don’t give him any reason to work a narrative in his head that you feel the same way. If you’re at the same place, don’t deliberately go over to him. If he approaches you, say hi but then turn your attention or conversation to anyone else nearby. If no one else nearby, excuse yourself to take a phone call or go to the loo or something. You shouldn’t have to do this - but you’ve been straight with him and he’s chosen to ramp up what he’s doing rather than respecting what you are saying - so now you have to go into self preservation mode and act as if he’s a danger to you (because he’s bordering on stalker territory and that is dangerous to you).

if he continues this, tell someone in real life what he’s doing. If things escalate and you need to report it, the police will want to know if you told anyone so that they can verify it’s been going on a while, how it’s affected you, etc. Hopefully it won’t get to that stage, but from what you have described, I’m getting really worried for you.

Good luck.

And don't give him the excuse of well I expect he's ND, so ...

ND does not equal creepy and weird and making women feel uncomfortable by default.

You don't have to make allowances and accept it even if he is.

If you find yourself drawn to a particular type, i.e. Mr Distant and Aloof, I think that's a clear indication that you aren't ready for a committed relationship. You're seeking out people it's doomed from the start with, so yes, that may well be a commitment thing but there's nothing wrong with not wanting a longterm relationship.

I think you'd know by now if there was the vaguest possibility of it working with your friend so I'd give that a miss.

Just caught up on your updates. He sounds like he's getting quite weird. I wouldn't worry though. A 34 year old man going to bingo will be snapped up in no time.

With regards to ‘copying’ you, what is wrong with going to a place you have ate at and trying it out. He’s clearly trying to find some common ground, probably hoping you would open the door to going there together some time. Not really weird in my eyes.

Are you for real?

Genuinely I was stalked and harassed by someone who was neurodiverse, without going into too much detail it was a horrendous time involving the police. You might ask "what's wrong with...." but when you're being creeped out by someone who won't take no for an answer it quickly goes from harmless territory to where the fuck can I go where he won't rock up?

It's very alarming and unnerving when it is persistent. Makes you feel unsafe. Wise up.

Are you really insinuating OP should settle on this creepy fucker for fear that she will regret it if she doesn't.

Are you usually this shit with advice in real life too?

This is how my mum ended up with my dad. He chased and chased her. She was recently widowed and didn’t want him but he was relentless. She was vulnerable and ended up giving in and having seven children with him. He apparently would only leave her alone when she was pregnant.

They’re not together now; she’s married to someone else and has been for over 20 years. My dad still can’t let her go though, even though he’s also married to someone else now.

In isolation, no. But then the signing up at the bingo - that's pushing it over into creepy territory.

I would really not trust the judgement of your friend that thinks you should get together with this guy

Safest thing you can do is block him @Holibobby. This copying behaviour and sending you photos is stalking. Doesn't matter if he's ND he's a creep. Keep yourself and your daughter safe and away from him. Anything you can change so he doesn't know your routines, do it. You're a survivor, your instincts are telling you he's a wrong un.

Thank you, I have been worried that I’m overthinking the weird behaviour after past experiences. But when I think of it there’s more and more I’ve not even posted - like getting me a personalised birthday card with lyrics to my fave band shaped in a love heart, turning up on Valentine’s Day with a bouquet of flowers when I was dating somebody at the time (although he might not have been aware). Also turning up at mine on Christmas Eve which is about quality and special time with my DD (I was so annoyed he ate into a chunk of that time) - and spending £200 on me at Christmas. It’s all a bit much.

Tbh it actually sounds like it's been stalker territory for a long time. But that you've just been 'being nice'.