Close Male friend has feelings for me

[Holibobby]

I have a close male friend - he's a friend of the family. Recently, we've been spending more time together, mainly with family but at the weekend we went out for couple of hours on own.

This guy is literally perfect 'future life partner material'. I was in a long term abusive relationship - this ended 5 years ago now and we share a DD. The guy in question very clearly has feelings for me. However, despite him being an absolute dream I do not fancy him. He's not a bad-looking guy I just don't fancy him but do at time enjoy his company.

My best friend said she thinks I'm shutting him out because I have huge commitment issues and quite a lot of unresolved trauma from previous relationship (which I have had counselling on/off for this).

However, as I'm now 35, I have started to wonder if it's worth dating him with the hope that I might change my mind. I have dated lots of idiots, however despite feeling very comfortable on my own, over Christmas, I did start to miss being in a relationship (for the first time in a very very long time).

He's a bit too eager and I think that's what puts me off him, whereas in the past I've always been attracted to players, unavailable narcissistic men. And I think at my age (particularly if one day I decide I want another child) I need to settle with a decent person.

When I went out with him at weekend he sat close by and I felt creeped out which tells me maybe it's not right. I'm not sure what to do.

Just tell him you’re not looking for a relationship. And tell your friend to stop trying to set you up with creeps.

Yes thats the vibe he's giving. Like he already thinks you're together.

All these odd texts wpuld be creeping me out too.

I wouldn't suggest 'staying friends' either. Because let's face it, you DONT want to be his friend. So when you pull back completely he could get really spiteful/manipulative like 'I thought we were friends (so you should do xyz/so you owe me xyz)'.

Just be polite and firm and tell him you're not interested. If he persists in harassing you, you clearly tell him to back the fuck off. And screenshot the evidence incase you ever need to show the police.

Also, I know, at least until he got creepy, you liked his company ad a friend. But he's shown he fancies you and also, he pushes boundaries. So you can't go back to friendship. Because he wants more.

He's not 'too keen', hes TOO KEEN.

Op went out forr lunch with him once and he's acting like they're long term together. Messaging her about trips to Europe! Trying to invite himself to her nights out. Sorry but it's fucking creepy!

Maybe he's just neirodiverse and bad with socal ques...or maybe he plans to eat her liver with a side of kidney beans. Either way - not a catch!

There are literally NO good men out there, and here's one that's sitting on your doorstep, fancies you, but no click because he is 'too keen'.

How do you know he’s a good man?

He is clearly nuts about you. Everything he's doing is as my nanna would say courting you. All very nice so far.

But. You feel no romantic or sexual feelings for him, and seem to be getting the ick with it all

He also seems to be under the impression that you are already in a relationship with him, which could be a bit worrying.

The fact he has no experience and still lives with parents suggests he's stuck at about age 14 and lacks emotional maturity.

You have a child to consider. You've had bad experiences before. I think you'd be right to set out clearly that you value and enjoy his friendship and want to keep it that way as you have no interest in a romantic relationship.

Be prepared though for a reaction.

Thank you for all the replies. He's asked me out tonight so I've now got a perfect opportunity to say no! Feel bad - but then like previous posters have said - I don't owe him anything because he's a nice person.

He's banking on you feeling guilted into a relationship, you have to be strong and very clear with him. I'd say you need to block and remove him from your life.

I had a similar experience with a male "friend", who just wouldn't take no for an answer and played the good guy card. He also lived at home with parents, had never had a long term relationship but had a good job.

It was all an act as he felt entitled to a relationship, and refused to respect my feelings or boundaries. I had to end all contact in the end as he would constantly harass me via text.

Any encouragement i gave, and that included being friendly in any small way, or just responding to a message, would be taken as interest by him.

This one sounds just the same.

Hope it went OK op!

For heaven’s sake, OP, how on earth could you describe this man as ‘perfect future life partner material’? He’s needy, boring, desperately over-eager, inexperienced, appears to have no one in his life apart from you, lives with his parents aged 39 and doesn’t appear to understand social cues, plus you find him unattractive physically!

Also, I remember you posting at least once about him before — don’t waste any more headspace on wondering if you should date him.

Don't date someone you don't fancy, in any circumstances. This leads to big trouble down the line

No, don’t take it further. Leave it as a friendship. I made this mistake and never fancied my stbx. We ended up in a long, sexless marriage and, eventually, I cracked and ended up in an affair. It led to a lot of soul searching on my part and I realised where I’d gone wrong.

Yeah I mean in what world is he perfect partner material? The barr would be on the floor.

Tbf maybe you were trying to be nice to him. But you've got to be careful of that. It's the first stage to excusing abuse. Which, love bombing, is. Because all those full on messages 24/7 are designed not to give you a moments peace to think. And in this case, to guilt you into things you don't want to do.

You've come out of an abusive relationship so your boundaries are perhaps, still a little off. Your instincts ('creep vibes') are there but you've been used to ignoring them and conditioned making excuses for inappropriate behaviour from men. This takes time and practice to unlearn.

I'm future, regarding men in general, it might help to check in with yourself from time to time with - 'am I making allowances or excuses for any of this persons behaviour?' For example 'I don't like that he calls even at times when I've told him I'm busy...but maybe he misses me'. Excuses for unacceptable, boundary pushing behaviour.

Also always check in with yourself regarding how a person makes you feel. If you feel creeped out, uncomfortable, on edge etc around them...or drained or sad or stressed or shit about yourself after seeing them, this person isn't healthy to be around. Those feelings should be listened to. That can apply in other relationships with family or friends too.

And if you ever get weird thoughts like 'This person hates me/means me harm/would sexually assault me given opportunity' - they do and they would. We have those real gut terror moments for a reason.

Id suggest to read up as much as you can and consistently through out your life on how to spot abuse. There's also a book I believe called 'the art of saying no' which might be useful for you.
Help you tell the creeps to back off.

I would back way off from this guy. He is the uncle of your daughter's friend. You really do not need to have that much interaction with him. Even if he is a nice guy you are creeped out by him.

I would also be wary of your friend and would be slow to take advice from her particularly in regards to relationships. Sounds like she is trying to be an armchair pyschologist and is making you consider taking actions that you do not feel right about. I think you need to tell her to back off.

I think in this case, and a lot of cases, the love bombing isn’t a calculated move of not leaving you time to think etc. Likewise this assumption that he/they are deliberately guilt-tripping and relying on the woman’s politeness and eager to please default, like it’s a game of chess. Obviously there are men out there who have bought into the weird handbook of how to manipulate women - of course there are, but I think with the man OP is describing - he’s simply desperate and doesn’t have any self awareness or experience, which pol generally pick up as they date in their teens.

I think he’s smothering OP bc he thinks there’s a chance of a relationship with her and he’s thrown himself into it and feels really strongly about not just OP but the relationship. He probably thinks the more he does the more it shows how much he likes her and wants to be with her as much as possible bc it makes him feel good, especially if no one shown any interest before. Also he’ll be delete not to ‘screw it up’, like he maybe has in the past with other women. He wants this to work so he’s giving it 200% with gifts and offers of favours and invites etc. He isn’t aware it’s all a massive turnoff. His parents may even be encouraging it and assume. You’re in a relationship if he’s acting in this way so are feeding the fire.

It’s pretty tragic all round. You’re in a horrible position, OP. It’s best to nip this in the bud asap as kindly as possible.

I'm inclined to agree that this particular person may not be consciously lovebombing, it might be over enthusiasm (at least, initially). However I do believe he is trying to guilt op. Why? Because after the first few times he suggested something and op didn't respond, he continued to suggest more and more things and now, has asked her out. I don't believe the narrative that he doesn't know he's being pushey. It's bull. He's not that naieve and I'd be willing to bet that at 35 its not his first rodeo and if this is how he communicates with women, he's been told its not OK before.

Some allowances can be made initially sometimes. But not anymore with this guy. He may not have started off deliverately manipulative. But now it's in that territory.

Nice guy syndrome

Been there done that. Abusive long term relationship, scarred from it, lovely friend loved me, he was handsome, kind etc, made the biggest mistake dating him, and felt the ick throughout. All the boxes should be ticked, he no more ticks the boxes and is right for you than someone who isn’t kind and isn’t non abusive but that you fancy loads and have passion with. Both wrong, both incomplete, at least you have friend in him though, just no sexual romantic chemistry. Don’t force what’s not there it’s the biggest mistake

I told him that I was not interested in him romantically - and he told me he really liked me , thought I was amazing etc. then sent a message saying he will always be there for me as I told him he was a good friend.

He asked me earlier in the week if I wanted to go out Weds eve but I said no I was going bingo with a friend. After me telling him I was not interested the messages stopped…or so I thought, 24 hours later he sent me a photo of him in the bingo hall the next day. He’s never ever been before but said he fancied going the following afternoon - and he has now signed up for membership! A 36 yr old man sitting in a bingo hall on his own when he’s never been before - seems very odd.

is it me or is he getting creepier even now I’ve told him I’m not interested. He didn’t go the same night as me but he did the following afternoon. Such bizarre behaviour

Well yeah that's weird.

It gives 'it puts the lotion in its skin unless it wants the hose again' vibes.

Like when a narcissist tries to first attract (then later, become) you, by mimicking you...your wants, phrases, hobbies etc...

I'd be inclined to be like 'OK stalker 😆'. On the nose, under the guise of humour.

Do you actually want to stay on touch with him?

😬

Does this mean he will always be at the bingo in case you ever go again?

It is getting a bit creepy

He is so desperate for you to like/approve of him isn’t he. And he’s perpetually making it worse. He’s only 36 but is acting like
you’re his last remaining shot at happiness and he’s desperately clinging on and throwing everything at it now. You may have to completely blank him OP, but fact your child is friends with his niece will make that problematic, unless you know her mum and can arrange visits through her? I don’t know if that’s what you’ve already been doing, presumably so I guess, so may not have to have anything more to do with him. It doesn’t have to be forever if he’s a family friend you’re likely to run into at social gatherings in the future, but I think you probably need to take several steps back now, OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was stalker material also, not to add to your anxiety, just be vigilant.

@Pinkbonbon hmm that’s interesting that you say that, because everything I do he copies! I never thought anything of it until you mentioned that. Sounds ridiculous but he asked one day what I had for my lunch and the next day he went out of his way to visit this certain shop for the same lunch and then sent me a photo 😬