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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Close Male friend has feelings for me

103 replies

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 20:43

I have a close male friend - he's a friend of the family. Recently, we've been spending more time together, mainly with family but at the weekend we went out for couple of hours on own.

This guy is literally perfect 'future life partner material'. I was in a long term abusive relationship - this ended 5 years ago now and we share a DD. The guy in question very clearly has feelings for me. However, despite him being an absolute dream I do not fancy him. He's not a bad-looking guy I just don't fancy him but do at time enjoy his company.

My best friend said she thinks I'm shutting him out because I have huge commitment issues and quite a lot of unresolved trauma from previous relationship (which I have had counselling on/off for this).

However, as I'm now 35, I have started to wonder if it's worth dating him with the hope that I might change my mind. I have dated lots of idiots, however despite feeling very comfortable on my own, over Christmas, I did start to miss being in a relationship (for the first time in a very very long time).

He's a bit too eager and I think that's what puts me off him, whereas in the past I've always been attracted to players, unavailable narcissistic men. And I think at my age (particularly if one day I decide I want another child) I need to settle with a decent person.

When I went out with him at weekend he sat close by and I felt creeped out which tells me maybe it's not right. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 20:46

You cant date a friend you feel no spark towards just cos he looks good on paper.

And now you've lost him as a friend as well.

Purinea · 06/01/2025 20:48

Why’s he sitting so close to you that you feel creeped out, and not realising / caring.

Seaoftroubles · 06/01/2025 20:53

No, don't go there. If he made you feel ' creeped out ' then that tells you all you need to know. Don't make do with him just because he's a decent person. Keep him as a friend but make it clear that's all you can offer.

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 20:57

@Seaoftroubles He's never been in a relationship and I don't think he understands social cues - I think maybe he's just really friendly but I sense it is so much deeper on his behalf (and I think that's what creeps me out), but at the same time don't know how to tell him we're just friends. Or whether I am just super afraid of commitment - I can't work out what it is.

OP posts:
Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 20:57

Seaoftroubles · 06/01/2025 20:53

No, don't go there. If he made you feel ' creeped out ' then that tells you all you need to know. Don't make do with him just because he's a decent person. Keep him as a friend but make it clear that's all you can offer.

Why would you want to retain a friend who wants to be more than friends. Its creepy AF.

OverthinkingOlive · 06/01/2025 20:58

You're trying to settle. It won't work

Collette78 · 06/01/2025 21:00

You aren’t attracted to him and he “creeps you out”. … errr no. A relationship would be a disaster for both of you.

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:03

@Soggythatch It's only recently that I've noticed a shift in his behaviour felt subtle at first - like I was misreading signs. I replied to his message asking if he had a good weekend, I only met him for a couple of hours sat and he said 'yeah I had a good weekend it was with you'. and when i got home he had already messaged saying can we go for breakfast on the Sunday (which I said no to) Then the sunday night he was planning a weekend break in Europe for us. And it just feels too much.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 06/01/2025 21:04

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 20:57

@Seaoftroubles He's never been in a relationship and I don't think he understands social cues - I think maybe he's just really friendly but I sense it is so much deeper on his behalf (and I think that's what creeps me out), but at the same time don't know how to tell him we're just friends. Or whether I am just super afraid of commitment - I can't work out what it is.

No, no, no
A guy in his 30s who doesn’t understand social clues and never has been in relationship is not a perfect relationship material.
I would run away as fast as you can from this prospect. A confident strong willed person would probably cope with him but it didn’t sound as it’s you plus you had child to consider.

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:07

@Collette78 My friend thinks me feeling 'creeped out' is because it's a commitment thing and me being slightly terrified of men

OP posts:
ACatAsleepInYourHat · 06/01/2025 21:08

If this guy is "literally perfect future life partner material", how has he never been in a relationship before? I think you're right to have doubts. I'd be very wary, to be honest, and wonder if he's quite as nice as he seems on the surface.

Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 21:10

ACatAsleepInYourHat · 06/01/2025 21:08

If this guy is "literally perfect future life partner material", how has he never been in a relationship before? I think you're right to have doubts. I'd be very wary, to be honest, and wonder if he's quite as nice as he seems on the surface.

Prob cos he has a good job and pension but not a clue with relationships.

Collette78 · 06/01/2025 21:11

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:07

@Collette78 My friend thinks me feeling 'creeped out' is because it's a commitment thing and me being slightly terrified of men

I don’t think your friend is right… unless after you feel creeped out you reflect on it and feel some sense of affection / attraction towards him.

Being creeped out is usually your instinct telling you something.

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:13

@ACatAsleepInYourHat Yeah that's what I'm wary of. Even though I've practically known him my whole life (at a distance but more so in the last couple of years), he seems like he has major issues with confidence etc and still lives at home with his parents. Our lives are completely different I've got a DD and have a career, my own place independence etc and I think he latches onto that.

But he's also so good to talk to and good company. But I think even after a few hours with him alone at the weekend (normally with family) I didn't all of a sudden 'fancy' him - which says a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:15

@Soggythatch It's me with the better job and pension so that's not an issue or even relevant

OP posts:
Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 21:19

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:15

@Soggythatch It's me with the better job and pension so that's not an issue or even relevant

LOL so why is he such a great prospect. Lives with parents, never had a girlfriend? Bit creepy?

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:23

@Soggythatch He's kind, genuine, is good with my DD, attentive to detail, it doesn't feel like I have to make much effort, conversation flows freely. We have similar interests. He Doesn't seem narcissistic, or in love with himself. Seems to put everyone around him first.

OP posts:
Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 21:26

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:23

@Soggythatch He's kind, genuine, is good with my DD, attentive to detail, it doesn't feel like I have to make much effort, conversation flows freely. We have similar interests. He Doesn't seem narcissistic, or in love with himself. Seems to put everyone around him first.

Sounds lovely but never had a girlfriend is strange. Probably needs his hard drive checking.

nonbinaryfinery · 06/01/2025 21:26

If you don't fancy him, you don't fancy him. You should nip this in the bud now before one of you gets hurt. Time to back away for a bit.

ImmortalSnowman · 06/01/2025 21:28

@Holibobby There will be a man out there that does all of that plus has a good career, his own house and independence and who you find attractive.

You've only just started to feel ready for another relationship, don't make it with someone who creeps you out and you feel nothing romantic towards. At least set the example for your daughter that just because a man wants you, you don't owe him anything.

Sassybooklover · 06/01/2025 21:37

No. Just no. You like this man as a friend and that's it. You can't force yourself to have chemistry with someone, if it isn't there on your part. Equally, even though he fancies you, don't you think he deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be? This isn't just about you, but him as well. Nothing wrong in being friends, but don't pursue a relationship with someone you aren't interested in. It won't end well, for either of you, it's wasting both of your time.

icelolly12 · 06/01/2025 21:40

over Christmas, I did start to miss being in a relationship

Get some space from him and focus on yourself. Don't enter a relationship just because you're sick of being single.

Original poster
Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:42

I don't know whether to back off and stop replying to his messages as I don't want to hurt him I value his friendship. At the same time I don't want to make things awkward but maybe I should make it clear that we're just friends

OP posts:
bifurCAT · 06/01/2025 21:46

Lol, this would be the post men use to justify why women become cat ladies...

Abusive ex
Perfect friend
Friend-zoned

I know you can't help your feelings, but it's a real shame. There are literally NO good men out there, and here's one that's sitting on your doorstep, fancies you, but no click because he is 'too keen'.

Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 21:51

Holibobby · 06/01/2025 21:42

I don't know whether to back off and stop replying to his messages as I don't want to hurt him I value his friendship. At the same time I don't want to make things awkward but maybe I should make it clear that we're just friends

How can you stay just friends with a guy who probably chokes his chicken thinking about you when his mum's downstairs cooking his dinner?

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