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Original poster

19 years together and still won’t marry me?

111 replies

Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 20:54

Hello lovely mums.

The title says it all really. Iv been with my partner for 19 years, we have 2 children together and yet he still hasn’t popped the question. Iv asked, more times than I care to count. His excuse is always the same, we can’t afford it- my response is we can do a cheap wedding. Or well, we will have to see how things go? WTF? We broke up a lot in the first 10 years together but since having children we are fine. Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

so recently his mother (65) has become engaged (3rd time lucky) and I told him how happy I was for, his response well you are, you just have to wait till your 65!!!.
so after that comment, it’s really got me down. I now know he will never marry me so what is playing at? Why is he with me? Iv pulled back from slightly after that comment and I can tell he knows I’m hurt.
I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 05/01/2025 20:56

He is a shit partner
Leave him. He can be a good dad 50/50 or whatever.

Don't discuss it, just do it.

Alex2005 · 05/01/2025 20:56

Maybe he has something to hide or a secret lover that makes him want to remain available for? (Just a thought of course since I’ve seen this happen, of course not being rude)

Bessienol · 05/01/2025 20:56

Ok something I don’t understand. If you wanted to get married and have him commit to you why did you have children with him?

im sorry to say but if he wanted to marry you he’d have proposed 15 years ago.

mnahmnah · 05/01/2025 20:57

Please tell me you work and have your own money and that your name is on the mortgage and deeds

category12 · 05/01/2025 20:58

Your relationship sounds awful so not sure why you even want to marry him - it won't change him into a decent partner.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 05/01/2025 20:58

Ensure you've got a pension, full time income and your own property if you don't already, as a matter of urgency.

Fourfurrymonsters · 05/01/2025 20:59

The marriage ship sailed at the point you had your first kid without a wedding ring. I’ve seen this happen too many times to count now. And why do you want to marry a shit partner anyway? Do yourself a huge favour and put him out with the bins instead,

Eyresandgraces · 05/01/2025 21:00

The 2 bits of advice I gave dd is don’t have dc unless you’re married and don’t give up your job.

Your dh doesn’t care about your happiness. He’s got everything he wants with no financial commitment.
He's making a mug of you every day.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/01/2025 21:01

you can’t change him OP, he’s made it clear he isn’t going to marry you. The question then is what you do in reaction to that?

Pallisers · 05/01/2025 21:02

I highly doubt he is a wonderful father. In fact, when women write about shit partners the words "but a wonderful father" are an additional red flag for me.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/01/2025 21:02

The thing is the kids will grow up and stop needing you 24/7 and what then?
He may be a good dad, but what will happen to you when they have grown and flown? And a good dad is a good dad regardless of whether it’s 50/50 or not. In fact a genuinely doting dad would hate the thought of being a part time dad and might take commitment more seriously. The trouble is that’s not a reason to get married these days. If he’s not a good partner why would you want to marry him other than security? He doesn’t care about giving you security and he’s said that.
Are you really together because you want to be with each other or because you like your family unit? There’s no shame in the latter, but you need to be making long term plans about life after young children.

Original poster
Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:05

Thank you for your replies. I’m a full time mum, children are small. I have no money of my own so to speak. The property is mine and in my name thankfully.

my children are none the wiser and I couldn’t do that to them. I just want to know why would he still be with me? What does these comments from him really mean?

forgot to add, he is very affectionate with me, doesn’t give me an allowance or anything as it’s a joint account so not controlling. I’m free to do what I want no questions asked.
the only problem with him is commitment and a very wandering eye but no cheating just looking

OP posts:
SnapdragonToadflax · 05/01/2025 21:07

The fact that you say 'of course we have moments of almost splitting up' makes me think this is not in any way a good relationship. I've been with my partner 20 years, we have never almost split up. We barely argue. And I'm very opinionated and expect him to parent equally.

Do you have a job, joint ownership of the house, a decent pension and savings in your own name?

Original poster
Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:09

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/01/2025 21:02

The thing is the kids will grow up and stop needing you 24/7 and what then?
He may be a good dad, but what will happen to you when they have grown and flown? And a good dad is a good dad regardless of whether it’s 50/50 or not. In fact a genuinely doting dad would hate the thought of being a part time dad and might take commitment more seriously. The trouble is that’s not a reason to get married these days. If he’s not a good partner why would you want to marry him other than security? He doesn’t care about giving you security and he’s said that.
Are you really together because you want to be with each other or because you like your family unit? There’s no shame in the latter, but you need to be making long term plans about life after young children.

You have a good point here. I have asked him what we will do when they are all grown. He tells me when he retires he will enjoy his free time more playing video games not disturbed. I hate video games. I told him I want to travel and he just nods and agrees. I guess we haven’t really sat down to talk about the future other than how he tells me he will chase me around to have fun. He makes a joke of it I suppose

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/01/2025 21:10

I just want to know why would he still be with me? What does these comments from him really mean?

er why wouldn’t he want to be with you?? He lives in your house, he’s got children without having to make any commitment and you are apparently grateful that he controls his “roving eye” enough not to cheat!

come on lovey!!!! Why are you selling yourself so short?? He should be bloody thankful that you’ve chosen him out of all the possibilities available to you not the other way round!

Original poster
Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:12

SnapdragonToadflax · 05/01/2025 21:07

The fact that you say 'of course we have moments of almost splitting up' makes me think this is not in any way a good relationship. I've been with my partner 20 years, we have never almost split up. We barely argue. And I'm very opinionated and expect him to parent equally.

Do you have a job, joint ownership of the house, a decent pension and savings in your own name?

When we have had these moments it’s due to his disrespect (with women) which has not happened in the last 2 years I think.
sadly no pension, house is mine tho

I wonder if he is holding out for something better

OP posts:
dudsville · 05/01/2025 21:12

This is not a good relationship! It doesn't need cementing with vows.

Original poster
Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:14

Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/01/2025 21:10

I just want to know why would he still be with me? What does these comments from him really mean?

er why wouldn’t he want to be with you?? He lives in your house, he’s got children without having to make any commitment and you are apparently grateful that he controls his “roving eye” enough not to cheat!

come on lovey!!!! Why are you selling yourself so short?? He should be bloody thankful that you’ve chosen him out of all the possibilities available to you not the other way round!

Good point 🥴. I agree with you.
unfortunately my self esteem is very low since having children, I haven’t looked after myself and I guess Iv just devoted myself to my children but that will change this year, I’m going to start to make time for myself and work on my esteem.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/01/2025 21:15

At least if you're not married, the house remains yours alone.

I think you should go back to work.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/01/2025 21:15

Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:09

You have a good point here. I have asked him what we will do when they are all grown. He tells me when he retires he will enjoy his free time more playing video games not disturbed. I hate video games. I told him I want to travel and he just nods and agrees. I guess we haven’t really sat down to talk about the future other than how he tells me he will chase me around to have fun. He makes a joke of it I suppose

Show quote history

I just read your post about being a SAHM. You really need to think about changing this. Even just a part time job that you can squirrel the money into a pension/savings. Is a state pension really going to be enough for you to survive on? Because you have no entitlement to his pension if you aren’t married. And if he hasn’t named you as a beneficiary you won’t even get it if he dies…
I’ll be honest, retirement for you looks quite scary, and even if you will be in good health.

Alex2005 · 05/01/2025 21:16

Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:05

Thank you for your replies. I’m a full time mum, children are small. I have no money of my own so to speak. The property is mine and in my name thankfully.

my children are none the wiser and I couldn’t do that to them. I just want to know why would he still be with me? What does these comments from him really mean?

forgot to add, he is very affectionate with me, doesn’t give me an allowance or anything as it’s a joint account so not controlling. I’m free to do what I want no questions asked.
the only problem with him is commitment and a very wandering eye but no cheating just looking

How can you be so sure there has been no cheating. The wandering eye is already a step closer to cheating. He may only be with you for the kids? Just a thought not meant to sound rude.

calmandcollected101 · 05/01/2025 21:16

So he doesn't want to marry you

Why are you begging him?
Is this how you want to spend your life?
Is this the true meaning of love and marriage?

You're better of like his mum, find another man

DorothyStorm · 05/01/2025 21:17

category12 · 05/01/2025 21:15

At least if you're not married, the house remains yours alone.

I think you should go back to work.

This. You dont want to marry him. You want to marry a decent bloke. Get back to work and then uou can leave the relstionship

Foxlovesfruit · 05/01/2025 21:19

What do you mean when you say disrespect with women? What does he do?

Original poster
Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 21:19

Alex2005 · 05/01/2025 21:16

How can you be so sure there has been no cheating. The wandering eye is already a step closer to cheating. He may only be with you for the kids? Just a thought not meant to sound rude.

Show quote history

Well I guess I can’t other than he tells me he never would nor I. He leads a simple
life I guess, goes to work comes straight home. No social life

thankfully I have a great social circle which really helps.

OP posts: