19 years together and still won’t marry me?

[Mamabear404]

Hello lovely mums.

The title says it all really. Iv been with my partner for 19 years, we have 2 children together and yet he still hasn’t popped the question. Iv asked, more times than I care to count. His excuse is always the same, we can’t afford it- my response is we can do a cheap wedding. Or well, we will have to see how things go? WTF? We broke up a lot in the first 10 years together but since having children we are fine. Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

so recently his mother (65) has become engaged (3rd time lucky) and I told him how happy I was for, his response well you are, you just have to wait till your 65!!!.
so after that comment, it’s really got me down. I now know he will never marry me so what is playing at? Why is he with me? Iv pulled back from slightly after that comment and I can tell he knows I’m hurt.
I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.

Do you really have such a low opinion of yourself?

Clearly you haven’t read my posts. I have told where the door is after he has shown disrespect to me. I wouldn’t do that for a trivial matter obviously.
Actually he has more to gain from marrying me than vis versa

He doesn't love you, you're convenient for him.

Kick him out properly.

"men will sacrifice their happiness for their family yet women will sacrifice their family for their happiness"

Bullshit. Far far more men abandon their children than women do.

Re pension beneficiary thats fine because he would be dead but if he is alive and unmarried to you you dont get anythung unless he decides to share with you

You say he benefits more to marry you, but i dont think premarital assets are split in a divorce.

You said you were told you couldnt have children, could it be he didnt want the children and feels stuck with you because he wants to be with the children but punishes you for trapping him? All the times he dumped you and you took (begged?) him back maybe he had no other options and was scared of being alone.

This

That’s only if he dies, surely you’d rather have half of his pension if he lives? Or do you have a new patio in the pipeline?

It seems quite simple to me - either you accept that he doesn't want to marry you and will continue to string you along with excuses, or you decide that you don't want to be with someone who treats you like that (you talk about multiple instances of disrespectful behaviour) and you leave. You can't make him want to marry you and quite frankly, I would only want to marry someone who really wanted to marry me too, not someone who had to be persuaded, begged or given ultimatums to do so.

The house is yours and you are returning to work.

You really do not want to marry a guy who has one eye out the door.

Start looking after yourself and focus on work.

Do not be so foolish as to marry this twat and hand him half your house.

You are in a good position.
Don't mess it up for a twat.

He’s a “shit partner” and you own a house. You’d be mad to marry him!

Especially if you’re returning to work this year, you’ll build up savings and a career etc etc. as well as your house.

You want to be married to this person for the romance which is a silly idea when you’re in a stronger position financially.

I see he's the only person you've had a proper relationship with, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's the same. I see it time and again amongst friends and family, who stick with their first love because neither of them can bear to go through the pain of the split, even though that's clearly what they need to do.

Nearly all of them end up in a big mess, not dissimilar to yours, years down the line - unplanned children that neither really wanted, lots of break ups then drifting back etc. Just rip the plaster off and split up for good.

Yes, splitting with a first love is absolutely awful - I was utterly heartbroken when it happened to me, suicidal really, but I am so glad that I did have that experience. I was much stronger in all subsequent relationships, took no shit off any partners, dumped them if I saw any red flags.

Financially you are better off than in a marriage because the house is ringfenced. You have more access to money he earns than some married women!

I understand you wanting the validation of him popping the question, but in reality if he’s set you up with life insurance policies, named you on his pension and made you the beneficiary of his will, he’s committed to you.

There is a weird bias on MN against women who have children without marrying first. Luckily this doesn’t seem so prevalent IRL. Enjoy your relationship and your family. You are not being taken for a mug or treated badly. You have a good relationship but he just doesn’t want to marry.

Go back to work, get your mojo back and leave him.

Most couples disagree occasionally but there's no "of course we have moments of nearly splitting up" in most good relationships. This is not a good relationship so be thankful the house is yours

Thank you all for your replies. Lots of thinking and changing to do! I’m excited for my own personal changes.

The house really is ring fenced, he has no access to it as it will be left soley to the children.

If you marry him he will have half your house.
Ducks in a row OP.

new year, new life.

I should also add, that he was married before me, albeit briefly and naively and didn’t end well. She cheated. I had thought this was the reason but I don’t think so

Financially you are best off leaving it as it is.
You are in a good position with the house being yours, he’s not controlling with supporting the family financially, and you are named on the pension and life insurance.

It’s hard to see how you would benefit from marrying him, it would be risky if you did get married as it could end up with you struggling to find somewhere to live.
The only thing would be getting back to work for your own pension and money.
Commitment wise ime he seems pretty locked in anyway.

"men will sacrifice their happiness for their family yet women will sacrifice their family for their happiness "

Tell that to the countless women in dv / da relationships who post here.

Yes keep things as they are. You know what - you have kids together and maybe your relationship is perfectly fine as it is. Ditch the cliche about a big fancy day and showing your friends what love you have. You’ve made it work and perhaps all you need is for you two to know that on your own terms.

You can get married in a registry office in a few minutes, hardly any expense just need a couple of witnesses.

Well thats a bit of a drip feed..

He doesn’t pay anything towards the house?

Be very, very glad he hasn’t married you! It means your house is all yours. If he ever does propose, say no. You seem incompatible in your outlook, dreams and aspirations. Time to think about rebuilding your career and thinking about how you really want to spend your life. I know that having young children means ‘just leave’ is glib advice, but as the house is yours, you can tell him to go if necessary. Don’t lose your independence and financial future just for the sake of a few words and a ring on your finger.

If he wanted to he would
He doesn't want to marry you