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Original poster

19 years together and still won’t marry me?

111 replies

Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 20:54

Hello lovely mums.

The title says it all really. Iv been with my partner for 19 years, we have 2 children together and yet he still hasn’t popped the question. Iv asked, more times than I care to count. His excuse is always the same, we can’t afford it- my response is we can do a cheap wedding. Or well, we will have to see how things go? WTF? We broke up a lot in the first 10 years together but since having children we are fine. Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

so recently his mother (65) has become engaged (3rd time lucky) and I told him how happy I was for, his response well you are, you just have to wait till your 65!!!.
so after that comment, it’s really got me down. I now know he will never marry me so what is playing at? Why is he with me? Iv pulled back from slightly after that comment and I can tell he knows I’m hurt.
I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.

OP posts:
Bessienol · 06/01/2025 11:01

Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 22:54

I should also add, that he was married before me, albeit briefly and naively and didn’t end well. She cheated. I had thought this was the reason but I don’t think so

My husbands ex wife cheated on him. He met me and we got married. When a man wants to marry a woman he will

Theeyeballsinthesky · 06/01/2025 11:47

have you posted about this before OP? It sounds very familiar

girljulian · 06/01/2025 11:56

Theeyeballsinthesky · 06/01/2025 11:47

have you posted about this before OP? It sounds very familiar

Unfortunately it's an incredibly familiar story on Mumsnet!

Obviously, there's no reason for him to marry her when they've been together 19 years, he lives in her house and she's had his children.

Catoo · 06/01/2025 12:22

Don’t marry this fool OP. What is the point now?

Continue your plan to go back to work and start working on your self esteem and confidence.

Absolutely keep the house ring-fenced away from him.

I bet as soon as he sees you start to fly in your career and confidence, realises you don’t care about marrying him anymore, he’ll suddenly propose. He has far more to lose by remaining single. You can put him out of the house far more easily at any time. I hope you do one day. He sounds cruel to be honest.

💐

Discombobble · 06/01/2025 12:28

If you own the house, and you’re going back to work, you might be better off not married, then if he does stray you can survive alone

VanillaImpulse · 06/01/2025 18:06

The last thing you want to do is marry him so he will be entitled to half your house!

AlexandrinaH · 06/01/2025 18:32

OneLoudHam · 05/01/2025 21:23

How can he be a good dad if he's a shit partner to his children's mother?

Get a job, ditch the man, let him be a good part time dad and set yourself free. You never know, your life may be infinitely better without a horrible, disrespectful old bastard. Wild idea I realise.

Or, as you will likely do, remain with him and continue to be miserable and unfulfilled for the next however many years until your kids are grown and off forming their own unfulfilling depressing relationships based on the one you modelled for them, and then see if anyone wants to marry you when you're a bitter self loathing husk who has had their best years drained and wasted by someone who doesn't think after 19 years and two kids his relationship is strong enough for marriage.

But you know you do you.

Wow. Why so rude?

AlexandrinaH · 06/01/2025 18:43

OP, no man should have to TELL you he’s a good man. You should already know. If he has to tell you he is, then you should take the view that he is not.

I can’t see why you want to marry him when your relationship is so volatile. You already have security.

I had to wait 11 years to get married. And he just kept putting it off saying stuff like I only wanted to get married because I’d seen it on TV.

TheWestfoldFell · 06/01/2025 20:36

Mamabear404 · 05/01/2025 20:54

Hello lovely mums.

The title says it all really. Iv been with my partner for 19 years, we have 2 children together and yet he still hasn’t popped the question. Iv asked, more times than I care to count. His excuse is always the same, we can’t afford it- my response is we can do a cheap wedding. Or well, we will have to see how things go? WTF? We broke up a lot in the first 10 years together but since having children we are fine. Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

so recently his mother (65) has become engaged (3rd time lucky) and I told him how happy I was for, his response well you are, you just have to wait till your 65!!!.
so after that comment, it’s really got me down. I now know he will never marry me so what is playing at? Why is he with me? Iv pulled back from slightly after that comment and I can tell he knows I’m hurt.
I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.

Speaking from experience - Leave him.
My ex husband was like this. We lasted 12 years before I finally managed to leave him. Complete narc and financial abuse.

OneLoudHam · 07/01/2025 16:17

AlexandrinaH · 06/01/2025 18:32

Wow. Why so rude?

Show quote history

Because there's umpteen of these "I'm married to /in a relationship with a bellend but I won't leave, how can I make him less of a bellend" posts a day and I'm sick of women being so weak and accepting of shit partners. If we all raised our bars and stopped fucking breeding with these losers they'd die out.

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/01/2025 18:41

You have a plan . Work on building your self esteem and confidence
Get a job and become financially and emotionally independent
Take off those rose tinted glasses and throw them out with this guy.
He’s not nice to you . He’s emotionally controlling and lazy
Claim back your life OP and stop making excuses for him x

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