19 years together and still won’t marry me?

[Mamabear404]

Hello lovely mums.

The title says it all really. Iv been with my partner for 19 years, we have 2 children together and yet he still hasn’t popped the question. Iv asked, more times than I care to count. His excuse is always the same, we can’t afford it- my response is we can do a cheap wedding. Or well, we will have to see how things go? WTF? We broke up a lot in the first 10 years together but since having children we are fine. Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

so recently his mother (65) has become engaged (3rd time lucky) and I told him how happy I was for, his response well you are, you just have to wait till your 65!!!.
so after that comment, it’s really got me down. I now know he will never marry me so what is playing at? Why is he with me? Iv pulled back from slightly after that comment and I can tell he knows I’m hurt.
I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.

He’s just waiting for someone better to come along. Simple. When he meets ‘the one’ he’ll know.
(It’s not you OP)

“I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.“

Why do you want to get married after 19 years - is it for financial security? I’ve quoted your last para as this is what I feel it suggests. Perhaps he has picked up on that?

Perhaps it’s time to think of yourself - and of modelling a positive relationship to the kids- and perhaps look to separate.

Marriage doesn't mean commitment or loyalty either these days but iy means financial protection for women who stay at home.
Just stop asking about marriage and focus on improving your finances and self esteem. You need to be ok if he leaves.
As to his reasonings it could be he sees no benefit to him in marrying you but you would benefit from his pension in a divorce. He wants his options kept open.
Finding a property with 2 beds or more to rent or buy so your kids visit him is expensive and he will end up doing more work. He gets fed, sees his kids everyday,has a home he doesnt pay a thing towards, and has his full pension to himself if he decides to walk away..by then a studio will be enough as kids would have grown up.. its a sweet set up.
The time to insist on marriage was before the first baby. Now he has you by the balls.

If the OP owns the house she is unlikely to financially benefit by marrying him unless he has assets of equal value. Probably better to kick him out, work on her career, build a pension and pursue him through the CMS.

He wants what you give him in terms of family life - but he doesn’t want you as a wife.

Actually not for security as such as financial.
I had a great career which I will be going back too. More because I suppose for the fact I have loved him for this long(yes crazy I know but I can’t help it), I wanted to grow old with him. He was my first relationship (so yes I guess I don’t know any better). I want the acknowledgment of commitment ?

If you own your house don’t marry him. He could then claim half.

He tells me he is a good guy, never cheated etc. loyal and hard working family man. He will say this quite often actually thinking about it.
@Mamabear404 my DH has never said this to me and I’d be really confused if he did. I know that those things are true due to his actions, the trust we have in each other and the fact he has never given me cause to even think that he’s not. Why is it your DP feels the need to make these types of comment?

Ultimately he won’t marry you and you shouldn’t even want to marry him. I’ll never understand asking someone else to propose, either let them do it when they’re ready or ask yourself. He doesn’t sound like a very good partner and the attitude of ‘other women have it worse’ is illogical, you should only be concerned with your relationship and how it makes you feel. From what you’ve said he doesn’t make you feel great.

Focus on regaining your independence, building your self esteem and making plans that potentially don’t involve him because I think in a few years you’ll be ready to move on.

Edited to add: Based on your latest post I just want to add the following: just because he’s all you’ve known doesn’t mean he’s all that there is. Sounds like you’re fixated on the idea of marriage and growing old together rather than realising that he’s not the person you should be doing that with.

He doesn’t want to marry you and I don’t know why you want to marry him.

Stop begging him to marry you.
It’s not a good look, especially when you admit he’s a shit partner.

If you marry then you’ll have to split any assets, including the house when you split.

You don’t want him moving out because you don’t want to work FT and do childcare etc and it probably works well for you both right now.
So you need to see it as just that.
A friendship that is benefitting you both until the kids are a bit older and it’s easier to separate.

Get the idea of marrying him out of your head.
That ship sailed a long time ago.

Get the idea of having a proper relationship with him out of your head too.

It's probably because of the relationship history between the pair you being on/off/ongoing relationship problems. He probably considers it high risk, and if I'm being blunt from your initial post it probably is.

This makes no sense. If he owned the house, then I would understand him not wanting to marry but you own it and that leaves him vulnerable.

Does he save his earnings in his own name?

Is he paying the mortgage? Or is it owned outright by you?

Yes you need to be practical stop with the sappy love commitment talk. You do deserve love and romance and all that it's just that it's too late for this now. Maybe if you separate and you meet a guy you will have that with him but with your current dp put that thought away, dont torment or humiliate yourself.
Marriage is a contract its not a love declaration.
I dont think a spouse is entitled to a home owned before the marriage but i could be wrong... but you would be entitled to half his pension if enough years of marriage have passed here in England and Wales.

Thank you for all your replies. I should prob state that I met him when I was 19 so alot of the dramas was crap and silly. He was the one who would break up with me most of the time. I have just gone over all the old emails he sent me from that time many moons ago and I’m embarrassed who little I valued myself.
I would be with him enjoying a nice day together and then he would email me to say he didn’t love me… a few hours later!!! There is literally 6 emails like this saying I make a mistake I wanted to see you but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship etc. Trust me if I had my time back I would have laughed in his face.

I have a plan, focus on myself 💪🏻 and my children

I suppose the saying goes why buy the cow when you get the milk for free rings true 😟

if a man won’t get married before children, then he has no intention of marrying you.

you don’t have to leave, but you do have to consider yourself a single person financially. Don’t make comprises to your career just because there are children in the mix. Work full time and expect him to do half of the child care. Make sure you are saving for your retirement.

marriage is the legal, economic contract that binds you together. Without that you need to treat him as the boyfriend who happens to live with you.

Apart from the fact you are not getting his pension, you are spending his money from the joint account and he does not want a share in the deeds of your house? OK

Thank you, yes you’re right.

Why would you want to get married when you keep splitting up and fighting? My ex did that to me - kept trying to split up but at the same time pushing for marriage. So I delayed until I thought things had settled down - took 8 years to pop the question. Then she walked out less than a year later. Pointless! I don’t blame the poor guy.

I’m actually the beneficiary on his pension as well as life insurance etc. He is not bothered by the house at all, has never mentioned it nor I.

Then that sounds ok for now

Why would you want to get married, your post reads as if you are regularly close to leaving him already? It would just mean more paperwork.

As a man I don't blame him, you have even said it yourself and told him many times "you know where the door is" divorce courts are massively biased towards men so he would be taking a massive gamble, one frankly which in his case really not worth it.

More than 75% of divorces are initiated by women, 90% if uni educated it's the saying and it really is true, "men will sacrifice their happiness for their family yet women will sacrifice their family for their happiness "

If you had a son would you really want him to get married KNOWING he could lose everything if she wakes up one day and thinks "can't be bothered anymore" or even if she cheated she still walks away with more.

Not a chance!

Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it.

This isn’t as normal as you think it is; your relationship sounds quite unstable. Healthy relationships don’t have moments of almost splitting up. Annoyed with each other - definitely. Verge of breaking up - no.

This isn’t real. No self respecting human would let themselves be treated like this!

if by any chance it is real then thank your lucky stars you’re not married and he can’t take half your house

Good to get a man’s perspective but wow.
I have only caused an argument due to disrespect, I’m not naggy or petty with other things.

all right then, not everyone's relationship is diamond cut perfect