19 years together and still won’t marry me?

[Mamabear404]

Hello lovely mums.

The title says it all really. Iv been with my partner for 19 years, we have 2 children together and yet he still hasn’t popped the question. Iv asked, more times than I care to count. His excuse is always the same, we can’t afford it- my response is we can do a cheap wedding. Or well, we will have to see how things go? WTF? We broke up a lot in the first 10 years together but since having children we are fine. Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

so recently his mother (65) has become engaged (3rd time lucky) and I told him how happy I was for, his response well you are, you just have to wait till your 65!!!.
so after that comment, it’s really got me down. I now know he will never marry me so what is playing at? Why is he with me? Iv pulled back from slightly after that comment and I can tell he knows I’m hurt.
I can’t leave yet, my children adore him. He is a shit partner but a wonderful father who dotes on his children.

I will be working this year which I’m looking forward too.

How can he be a good dad if he's a shit partner to his children's mother?

Get a job, ditch the man, let him be a good part time dad and set yourself free. You never know, your life may be infinitely better without a horrible, disrespectful old bastard. Wild idea I realise.

Or, as you will likely do, remain with him and continue to be miserable and unfulfilled for the next however many years until your kids are grown and off forming their own unfulfilling depressing relationships based on the one you modelled for them, and then see if anyone wants to marry you when you're a bitter self loathing husk who has had their best years drained and wasted by someone who doesn't think after 19 years and two kids his relationship is strong enough for marriage.

But you know you do you.

So he is not above lying to your very face either.

Unfortunately you have all too freely handed over the vast amount of power and control to him and he knows this too. If marriage was that important to you that should have happened prior to you giving birth to his children (and do they have his surname too?). There is no way he will marry you now and he knows all too well about your lack of self esteem, he uses that against you to his advantage.

I would boot him out of your home in the event he is not named on your mortgage document or title deeds

You deserve better don’t you think? You need someone who will treat you like a wife, like their love of their life. Instead he treats you like his friend. You deserve a good life and a marriage.

Well he ogles other women. I don’t mean a side glance, I mean full on walking back or cranking his neck when driving. He hasn’t done this for 2 years tho. Before he would also, look up women on social media videos dancing provocatively in underwear. I mean there was hundreds of videos. It broke me esp due to my self esteem. He told me he was sorry wouldn’t do it again. Thankfully he hasn’t… so far as I know 🥴

Women in such poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?

My opinion is that if a man loves his partner and WANTS to marry, he will propose in a decent timeframe. You admit that the first 10 years of your relationship, it was rocky and you'd split several times. It should come as no surprise that your partner hadn't proposed during this time. Since having children your relationship is more stable, but you state that you've nearly split up several times too. A loving, secure, stable relationship doesn't 'nearly split up several times'!! The reasons for never having a marriage proposal are right there! If marriage was so important to you, why didn't you leave and find someone else before having children, with him?!! I'm sorry to say, but your partner has no intentions of marrying you now or ever.

He not ogling women apparently for two years does not make him sound any better nor should that act as some consolation to you. If the shoe was on the other foot he would certainly not be as forgiving of you.

Ick 🤮 Why are you putting up with this? Why did he even think that was ok to start with?

I've 'let myself go' since having a kid, I still expect to be respected. I gained weight and wear comfier clothes, I didn't lose any braincells.

At the moment my children are none the wiser. He actually is a great dad. Very devoting to them and rushes home to see them.

He tells me he is a good guy, never cheated etc. loyal and hard working family man. He will say this quite often actually thinking about it.

We have a great sex life, get on well and yes I do love him. It’s just his commitment

I'd be more worried if he suddenly did want to marry you. Remember what Myleene's ex did to her!!!

Why do you want a shit partner to become a shit husband?

He is a shit partner

Why do you want to marry him then? And if marriage is important to you, why have children first?

I know it’s hard reading that. Like I said, I stayed for my children. He hasn’t done this since and when I found out I asked him to leave and he asked for forgiveness and I said ok.

I tell myself, he is not a bad guy. Women put up with a lot worse. I tell myself ok, he has had his perversity but that’s stopped. When I outweigh his good vs bad, the good always wins

Why women persist with this quaint naive notion that the kids do not know or notice is beyond me. Make no mistake here they know something is up because they pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you two and your relationship to him has always been rocky. Sound travels and they’ve likely heard raised voices and or angry words whilst in their bedrooms.

Staying for the sake of the children, well
whose sake have you stayed for really because it’s not theirs. It’s more likely your own but as you have seen it’s not been easier for you to stay with him. This staying for their sake never works out well for anyone concerned. It teaches the kids that your relationship was built on a lie.

I was told I couldn’t have children and well miracles happen. They are my greatest blessing and of course I choose them over a ring any day but I just wanted to gage his thought process with his comments

He’s taken your low self worth and has further bashed you about the head with it. You’re ideal for him because he knows you are unlikely to later in part to your low self worth and are completely in his thrall. One day you will realise that he is not and has never been worth it. The only good to have come out of this relationship at all are the children.

Ugh you need a job. Who pays the mortgage?

Of course we have moments of almost splitting up, due to lack of disrespect on his part and my confrontational ways of highlighting it. So he tells me, well I don’t want you to threaten me with divorce! Or the relationship is not very strong.
! (I have told him where the door is many times before but again due to disrespect from him.

@Mamabear404 Please read back your posts and think about what you have said. This in no way sounds like a happy relationship and marrying him will only make things worse, not better. You would be much better going it alone - for you and for your children. This does not sound like an equal partnership.

Considering the property is in your name, you have access to the joint account (for now) and he has a wandering eye, I think he's done you a favour OP.

I would definitely consider getting my career on track when the kids are in school though so that you have options and pension contributions.

The cranking neck, walking back to look at women and perving on womens videos would give me the ick enough to start getting my ducks in a row. He can still be a good dad even if you're separated, but he's not being a good or respectful partner. Also you don't want to marry a man you're constantly on the verge of breaking up with. Xx

Take your time if you need it, but you have your answers really, I would start planning for a future separate from him.

This. Once you’ve had his baby, you’ve lost most of your bargaining chips

I’ve read your posts OP and I can’t understand why you want to hitch yourself to this man who makes you unhappy.

Of course we have moments of almost splitting up ...

That's not very normal tbh