Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Agree @LoveFoolMe
Even though, to be fair, I only managed to reach that point after years of resentment.

Yes. It's been 9 years since he was diagnosed as autistic and 16 years since I started wondering why he was finding parenting more stressful than most. So it's taken a while!

Has anyone successfully managed to get any affection from their ASD spouse? If so, how?

I pick up my partner arms and I put them around me and I tell him to squeeze. Then I say thanks I needed that! That’s the only way I’ll get one.

Nope.
Dh could/would only show affection as it would result in sex.
He is not 'getting ' sex anymore so no need for affection.
I was so fed up being duped into a cuddle becoming a dry hump. A hand hold becoming a dick hold. Any 'affectionate ' gesture on my behalf would give him the green light to initiate a sex act. I stopped giving affection, so now there is no physical contact between us, ever.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy yep. Same here.
And that’s despite many talks over the years around the idea of having a cuddle, what it means etc etc…

I actually could live without sex now.
The thought of never being hugged or affectionately held or comforted makes me so sad though.
I hug and kiss my kids all the time, but what happens when they leave home?
I heard a saying the other day.
My Future is behind me.
I can't stop thinking how sad I can totally relate.

Feeling sorry for you @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy, I know what it’s like as I’m in exactly the same boat. I’m not looking forward to my kids leaving either. There is literally nothing between DW and me, I think I will also end up leaving at that point. Can’t carry on like this. No hugs, no hand holds, no nothing. Literally feel like life is passing me by 😞

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
Same here. I'm waiting for my kids to leave home now. And hoping I'm not too old to find something meaningful when that happens

Guess Im Sacrificing my happiness for my kids but I've made my peace with that

If only we had a crystal ball to tell us if leaving at 'whatever' time is the right thing to do. If staying until the kids grow up or not?

It could work out wonderfully or it could end up being even worse, it's such a hard decision to make. I'm 45 and DD is 10 so a long time before she's 'grown up'.

Things slightly better here again, in some ways at least. I had 'minor' oral surgery (Minor they said? Didn't feel minor at all. It was bloody brutal and the surgeon said I did well to do that under local anesthetic!) on Thursday and DH has been rather attentive and looked after me and DD. I had been worrying about how things would go after the surgery but he's got me all the soft foods I need and has made sure DD's been fed too.

Hello everyone,

Please may I join? I’m trying to find a way forwards on so many different things currently. To try give a potted history ASD diagnosed DS, a teen. I suspect I’m ND though undiagnosed and DH is as well. I’m a SAHM due to a combination of things. I kind of knew with my spidey senses if I attempted to work I’d be doing everything for everyone. Fast forward and I am doing everything for everyone but without any work or appreciation or outlet for me. My DH is avoidant and DS has got away with being very unpleasant and abusive to me although I’ve tried to deal with it. My current most pressing issue is I’m just lost in myself. I’ve massively detached mentally from the situation currently as it’s draining me. I’m 56 and post menopausal and have some health niggles now. So any tips on how I support me please? I’m not getting support from my family and waiting for them to step up isn’t happening and when I try and discuss things especially around working as a team and supporting me I just feel like it doesn’t compute. Thank you

@Fififizz 💐

If you're all neurodiverse then I'm not sure anyone can change their behaviour significantly unfortunately 🙁.

Emotionally, can you get support from friends?

Practically, are there things you can cut back on or accept lower standards for so that you're not exhausted?

Can you and DH afford to pay someone else to do some of the things that aren't getting done? Regular/occasional depending on your budget. E.g. a cleaner, laundry service or pre-prepared healthy meal service? Whichever would make the most difference to your life and give you back some 'me' time.

Sorry if this isn't something you can do at the moment.

@LoveFoolMe

Thanks for your reply. I think I’m currently processing the ‘if you’re all ND then I’m not sure anyone can change their behaviour significantly…..’ I think I’m finally trying to wake up to that fact. I’ve been like everyone’s parent the past 16 years and suppressing my own needs as a consequence and waiting for people to step up and it hasn’t happened.

I got a cleaner but 2 hours per week goes nowhere when the others aren’t involved or invested in running the home. I’ve been forced to step up/hold it all together.

I find lowering my standards difficult although I have been forced to a degree as no one else cares. Unfortunately mess/disorder really triggers me and makes me feel even less like I’m coping. I’m not actually coping currently at all…. I’m lost. I can carve out some me time but I have no idea how to begin to fill my own cup. I’ve developed autoimmune illnesses too now which I’m sure are related to the situation.

I try and walk to help me regulate. I do have friends and need to make seeing them more of a priority.

I’m glad I found this thread as it helps to know I’m not alone in my struggles.

@HelpmyDHisautistic I really resonate with a lot of what you’ve said. My children are 2 and 4 so still young and we’ve had all sorts of problems with communication since I was pregnant with the youngest. My DH too says I talk too much and interrupt his quiet time. This morning I was talking about world book stay with the kids. I was showing him pictures of costumes and trying to engage. He showed me literally no social cues he was listening. When I challenged him he asked why I expected a response to everything I say to him. Also why and I involving him when he just wants to sit and have alone time. That I talk too much and it’s constant (it’s not). This is after 2 hours of him engaging in his special interest alone. It’s so difficult to navigate. I want our kids to see positive social interactions. Our eldest is ASD and really needs to see people engaging healthily.

I have no advice really but just wanted to show solidarity. Nothing I’ve tried has worked and I’ve started the day yet again in tears. It’s such a lonely experience when you’re social and you’re up against this everyday. I try not to expect too much from him but then that feels horrible too as my needs are not being met.

It’s really good you’re feeling that the rest of the relationship is going well. Unfortunately for me it’s steadily gone downhill since my daughter was born. I really hope you find a way to communicate that works for you!

@Goldstar88 I really connect with what you’re saying. It’s so difficult when there’s young children involved. In a lot of ways it’s a good time to get out but navigating coparenting when they’re little is also tough. I too have days where I can cope and other days where I feel absolutely alone in life and can’t imagine living the rest of my days like this. My situation is a little different in that the kids are a special interest of my DH so he’s a great Dad however he’s not a great husband. What kills me is hearing him engaging with them and listening to them yet he can’t do the same with me. He’s not very good with social cues in our conversations and gets angry if I even slightly suggest he’s not giving me any signs he’s listening. It’s so frustrating. I cry near enough daily because I’ve tried to share with him and got nothing back. I very rarely display feelings in front of him but if I do he tells me to stop or leaves the room. He’s even gone out in the car to avoid dealing with emotions. Having young children is tough but doing it without emotional support from a partner is super hard. I really can understand your reasons for considering divorce. It sounds like you’re managing your partner a lot too. Cassandra Syndrome is no joke. I feel I have it too. It’s scary to feel so down and not be able to easily explain to others why. It’s such a unique experience living with someone with ASD. They are not necessarily bad people but just can’t understand our needs. It puts us between a rock and a hard place,

DP can be affectionate yes. If he’s in a piss with me though he turns it off like a tap. I don’t even mean the physical touch side of things. Although that as well! I mean he won’t smile or make eye contact or do anything warm. It’s really horrible. Feels abusive. Cold shouldering etc. but I guess he is genuinely not feeling affection for me as I’ve done something wrong to him in his eyes. Mostly though as long as we are in an OK place we can be quite affectionate. It’s me who seems to desire it less these days. I wonder if some of that is the emotional wall I’ve put up to protect myself for when things are bad. I suppose it doesn’t take a genius to link the two. He generally though will cuddle me in bed. And I’m very pleased he isn’t one of those who thinks every handhold and cuddle needs to lead to a hump. How awful. My exDH was often like this. It did not make affection appealing in any way!

Ahhh I'm sorry. I have to confess I just cut him out of all day to day decisions about the kids now like World Book Day costumes. I just can't deal with the hassle. But as you say it makes you feel so alone :-(

@HelpmyDHisautistic it’s so lonely. I just feel if I cut him out of those sorts of conversations we wouldn’t talk at all. Most conversations when you have small children are of this sort of nature. Even serious conversations are difficult. I remember once we had a decision to make about childcare hours. He walked off while I was talking. I asked him to come back as we need to decide. He told me I’m not the centre of the universe. I know it’s the ASD but it’s hard not to download it as rude and disrespectful.

He can engage enthusiastically with the kids on any topic. With me I get a look as if to say shut up. Sometimes I can cope with it. Other times it feels really unfair. Especially when I see how other couples are. It’s so tough to be in a relationship without love and care. In all honesty I don’t think it’s sustainable but it’s heartbreaking to think about splitting a young family up.

@Dialledin it truly doesn't sound sustainable. You could keep the family together but the cost would be you. Your children would have a broken month and a father who appears to hate her (they won't know the ASD can be a factor in how he perceives things). Plus when they aren't young and malleable he may no longer be as generous with his time. Please don't sacrifice yourself for some old fashioned ideal of what a loving family looks like.
Yes it would be great if you could find a way through but it's clear from what you write that he isn't interested in even attempting this. If he can't change (which is also possible) you shouldn't break yourself fighting it. Step away now whilst you still have health and a life left to live. One happy parent (you) & one oblivious parent (him) is much better than two unhappy.

@Dialledin Please be careful what you wish for.
I also 'didn't want to break the family up' and stayed. I also had young children that dh took an interest in, in hindsight, only because i told him to do things with them.
Once they started thinking for themselves and didn't want to do what dh found interesting he quickly lost interest.
I am now living with the fallout of a teenage dd who knows her father isn't interested in anything she says or doesn't. A ds who is becoming a young man scared to have a relationship incase he 'turns out' like his dad.
Dh and I don't have any sort of relationship, and it is becoming harder to hide my contempt and resentment towards him.
My beautiful children are now damaged. No matter how good a mum i have been, I am filled with so much remorse and regret.
Choose your poison.

@Pashazade I hear what you’re saying and completely agree. It’s just not that easy to end it when they’re so little. I’m a SAHM at the moment and have no means to support myself. Also he is a great Dad. He does so much for them. He exhibits genuine love. It’s very difficult to believe that might change. I’m also aware that he spends a lot of time dysregulated because of having young children. There’s a chance things will improve once they’re a bit bigger. I’ve given it until my daughter starts Reception. Hopefully then I’ll be back at work. If things are still like this I have to seriously consider ending it.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I'm sorry this is your situation now. It sounds really tough. You see I don’t have to tell DH. He’s taken control of loads of elements of caring for the kids and house stuff off his own back. He cooks all our food, he does every bedtime. He washes all the clothes and does most the dishes. If one of them is interested in something he goes all out to engage with it. He has an extremely loving relationship with the kids. It’s just me he struggles with. He goes through spells of trying harder and things getting better and then it stops abruptly. I actually wish he was a little less engaged with the kids and more with me so things were more balanced. It’s like he try’s so hard with everything else he has nothing left for me. He cannot mask around me at all.

I hear what you’re saying and I can imagine the resentment will get worse with time. I’m an older mum so throwing perimenopause into the mix is making things feel so much worse. I just need to figure out what I want and make a plan.

@BustyLaRoux
Your DH sounds a lot like mine.
It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde sometimes.
Sometimes I can see the switch coming and other times it absolutely blind sides me. That's when it hurts the most.

I came across this quote and it rang true. I think it’s hard to know all this in the beginning as people’s level of emotional intelligence only shows significance as life moves and things happen. It’s one reason why I was in so deep before realising I was actually being abused by my ex. Wouldn’t it be good if they taught this at school as no one ever told me to look for these things. All I got from my ex was well I don’t hit you. My bar was really set that low!

My issue is that I think the proportion of humans who actually fit that description (emotionally mature, regulated, empathetic etc…) is quite low.