Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

@BustyLaRoux are you happy? I don’t mean are you accepting of it and have reached a level of acceptance of someone else’s behaviour. Is this the life you have dreamed of for yourself?

I don’t know if others have this but deep
down there is a life that I want to have and this wasn’t it. It led me to have a nervous breakdown trying to accommodate his needs. My needs were always for a calm safe life and were always out of alignment of his. My ex has another partner who is loud and shouty and they get on so much matter. My partner now has never raised his voice in 5 years. I’m never afraid to speak whatever bonkers nonsense I have in my head.

The sad thing for my daughter’s sake is her father instead of looking within to see he has a problem has found a lady who normalises it and allows it. So he is the same man with no problems as the problem was me. They both now fight and shout with each other so there was never any abuse because it has become normal. What on earth is my daughter learning from him, it’s sad. It’s never ok to normalise and minimalise the behaviour under “they can’t help it”.

No, this isn’t the life I dreamt of. I thought I was getting the fairytale ending. It broke my heart when I realised this wasn’t what I thought it would be. I’d given up so much to be with him. It was hard to admit to myself that I’d done that and ended up as we were. Broken, shattered, bereft and a shadow of myself. I didn’t leave. But I should have done. I didn’t though and I have flip flopped on that decision many times. But I have cemented my decision now. No more flip flopping. I have my reasons which I won’t go into. Am I happy?? Most of the time I am actually. I feel quite strong. Do I wish I had a different man? Yeah. But who’s to say the next one won’t be floored and difficult in other ways. The one before was lazy and manipulative. He bullied me. We argued daily. I was very unhappy. I look round my male friends. I have many male friends. I love them dearly. But I wouldn’t choose any of them for a partner. No offence to them. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone. I don’t particularly want to be on my own. Not that I would mind it that much. But it’s nice having someone to do things with and chat rubbish to. I feel contented enough. I’ll rant about the worst bits. Because I do blow hot. But only in short bursts because I can’t be doing with staying annoyed. Then I’ll feel better. And until that lottery win comes in, I am happy enough. Most of the time. I have worked hard to get to this point. It is less than I deserve. But I’m actually ok with that.

I’ve got young children and it’s my sole mission to give them a life going forward as stable and calm and safe as possible. I’m in a different position so who knows if I didn’t have young kids. Any man, scrap that any person in my life going forward is either with me on this or they are out. I wish everyone happiness including myself….its a difficult goal at times.

@BustyLaRoux 🫂🫂🫂

Youll get no judgement from me because I’ve done the same flip flopping.
And have the same feeling about intention.

Im just going to throw one thing out there, because Thars a question I’ve asked myself a lot and are talking about with my therapist too.
The way you’re living now, your decision, is it the best decision for you or is it a trauma answer?

Dh has been hurtful often but he has never been abusive. He has never raised his voice at me. That is a clear line in the sand for me. That’s my boundary (and actually his calm was one reason why I was attracted to him in the first place!)

But is deciding to stay a trauma response for me when it’s nowhere near the marriage I had ever envisaged?
Still an ongoing discussion for me.

@SpecialMangeTout its a very conscious decision done with my eyes absolutely wide open for specific reasons I won’t go into now. But done deliberately and not for trauma reasons. I don’t depend on DP for my happiness. My emotional support comes from elsewhere. I feel strong and calm and liberated. This is why I keep telling other posters to either leave or emotionally detach. Staying but hoping things will be different is torture. I’ve been there. It isn’t where I’m at now. I just need a rant and validation sometimes.

No judgement from me either @BustyLaRoux 🫂 not justifying your DPs behaviours though because you can see yourself that they are abusive and in the ideal world you would not live together perhaps. Maybe it's a gradual thing where you can see it for what it is, but you are not letting it affect you as much as it did and maybe one day you might decide that this isn't for you but for now you've made the decision to stay and find a way that works for now xx

Also thank you all. You keep me sane! Don’t worry about me though. I am safe and I’m not unhappy. My DC are settled and for me, that’s all that matters now.

Perfectly put! 😘

Beautifully put! A courageous first principle!

The last thing I want is my children recreating by life. It would be my absolute worst nightmare. I worry about my oldest with her ND but she is getting support from a young age so fingers crossed it’s helps as she is amazing. She needs to learn self control and self removal as I call it. It will be her responsibility as an adult to manage her behaviour so as not to hurt others which means communicating when overwhelmed and communicating needs in a way that works all round. It’s not our fault we are born with differences but it is our responsibility to manage them as adults. I know from experience how hard this is to do when you’ve spent a lifetime undiagnosed. I have to model to her how to behave and part of this modelling is created by choosing people in my life who bring out the best in me. I don’t want a partner who brings out my bad qualities. We are all different though, I understand.

Yes, to all of that @Rainbow03 It's solely for DD that I am in this half marriage, for now. DH is a lot better than he was and is making an effort to engage with DD more, as well as doing things to help himself with emotional regulation. There is no shouting, no way near as much huffing and scowling as there used to be and he is more predictable in his ways. BUT, the memories of the previous abusive behaviours are still there for me. I can not forget or get past that. I can live with this man as he is now, but not as he was a year or so ago. Yes, grief probably caused him to change and he can't help that. But I felt like an emotional punchbag for at least 5 years and it still with me.

For me now, I keep weighing up what is better for DD, a life in potential poverty with me as a single parent in whatever accommodation I would qualify for (there is virtually no social housing available in this area and as a full time carer of a child currently not in school. I have no prospect of working and securinga private rental) or contained living with DH in an environment she's used to, close to all the amenities we need such as GP, dentists etc. I do have my own sanctuary, a bit more respite and a feeling of being less oppressed.

There is still a lot of work to be put in but for now I am focusing on caring for DD, who finally appears to be out of burnout from school, as well as self care and self-growth.

My next challenge is to see if I can build up to having my first ever night away from DD, leaving her with DH whilst I have some respite. Not ready yet but getting there.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I know it’s a really difficult place to be. I only left in the end because my depression became so bad I no longer wanted to live. I spend 1.5 years in a room in a family members house sharing a bed with my daughter. But she was 2 and easier than an older child. Pure survival behaviour got me to move because I was literally dying.

I'm so sorry it got to that stage 🫂 in some ways it probably would have been easier for me to leave when DD was tiny, much harder now!

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore it needed to happen. I’m much more alive now!

And I obviously jinxed myself when saying DH was much better earlier, that will teach me!

Those of you with ND children, how do your DP/DH/DW deal with their aggressive behaviours? DD is rarely physically aggressive but will push or kick when overwhelmed or when feeling the demand is too much for her. My response is usually to take a step back, stay calm and assess the situation. Usually I tell her that I can see why she felt whatever she felt, ask what she needs (soft toy for example) and tell her I'm here for her when she needs me.

I don't get too close as I know she'll kick me but she will often calm down and then come and sit close to me and ask for cat videos on insta (closest I'll get to a hug and a sorry!).

DH on the other hand, has just gone off in a huff as DD pushed him away when he tried to cuddle her, he is currently sulking in an obvious way and is being very passive aggressive towards us both. I am staying calm but am close to just tell him to bugger off. I mean DD is autistic, possibly PDA, aren't we supposed to not 'punish' her for a behaviour that I feel comes from a sort of flight fight instinct? My instinct is to be on DD's side here (much like the burn the teddies incident where I backed her up) but he will get annoyed we are not a team . I don't think we are on the same team here?

Am I right to not support him here and take DDs 'side' in that I don't think she can help this behaviour and punishment will only make it worse?

I think you are right yes. It seems to me that in a way you don't need to take sides at all; you can be a parent to your daughter and handle her meltdown, and let him get on with it in his own way. You are respecting her need for time alone to calm down and you can carry on doing that. You don't need to back up a man behaving in a sulky, silly, very childish way, imo.

It's very far from ideal but it's the best way I know of of handling an extremely awkward situation.

I took advice on parenting and one of the phrases they taught me to handle was, loosely translated " That is Papa's way of handling things" in a calm, neutral tone of voice. It does not mean you should get sucked into the same way of behaving, nor into an argument.

edited: it did take a lot of detachment from him!

We had another real speedbump today. I won't give all the details but I said something that angered 'D'H and he slammed the brakes on to 'punish' me and tell me to get out of the car. It hurt me in a whiplash like way.

I don't believe he intended to hurt me but I told him if he ever does that again our marriage is over. I'm sitting in another room from him having eaten a polite but virtually silent dinner. I am seriously considering having a meeting with a solicitor. I think things are taking a downwards turn and I'm not quite sure why.

This brought back horrible memories for me of similar incidents. Me not giving directions quick enough and him punching the sat nav and telling my to get out the car. Really scary stuff. Sounds awful I’m sorry. He might be having trouble processing all of the demands on him and his switch is becoming super sensitive. The more I expected of mine as I was getting less and less tolerable the more angered he got. He probably has huge internal struggles going on all the time. Even trying to remember to not get angry is another demand of his already overwhelmed brain. He’s just in fight flight all the time and the more we ask for change the more it’s triggered. Just an opinion might not be right.

That sounds horribe 🫂 how is your neck today? Speaking to a solicitor might be a good step to get things moving. We had an incident with DH driving fast, aggressively, and almost recklessly when his DF was very unwell (end of life). It was definitely stress, but I should have just asked him to stop amd I should have gotten DD out and refused to get in the car with him ever again. Hope you are ok.

Thank you, yes that is good advice to say something along those lines. He did snap out of sulk last night and they made up but it is hard to parent with someone who behaves like a 5 year old at times. DD is 10 yo by the way.

How awful @SquirrelSoShiny 💐. What absolutely unacceptable behaviour. How are you feeling? I also would struggle to condone that, it sounds like he showed you a lot of contempt. I would also see a solicitor, it simply helps you appraise the options better for yourself.

'Contempt' sounds accurate @SleepDeprivedElf and I don't like that he was 'punishing' you @SquirrelSoShiny whether it was intentional or not. I've seen contempt in 'D'H's eyes and it's soul destroying. Less so lately but it stays with you. I've had healthy relationships in the past where I was never ever looked at like that yet somehow both men I married has acted with contempt, scowling at me and it made me feel very small and vulnerable. 🫂 for you.

@SquirrelSoShiny that sounds so horrible. Are you OK? Mentally I mean (physically too though and also hoping your neck isn’t suffering today). I have an exDH who used to do stuff like that. Drive really fast and slam brakes hard when he was angry with me. It’s terrifying. I’m so sorry and I really hope you’re ok today xx x

@SquirrelSoShiny this behaviour is abusive. It’s there to punish you and to frighten you.
It’s physically dangerous and it’s emotionally damaging.
I hope your neck is ok. But yes I agree with you that there is some thinking to do around separation.
🫂🫂🫂