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Original poster

Partner wants me to have an abortion

127 replies

mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 08:55

Just looking for a bit of advice really. Please be kind, I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now.

A few months ago me and my partner decided I would come off the contraceptive pill as I was having bad side effects.

He knows I want another baby (our DS is 4 years old and it really would the most ideal time now to have another one in terms of where we’re at in life, finances, age gap etc) however my partner has always been on the fence and not really sure either way.

We agreed that we would not use contraception, we would track my ovulation and cycles and try to prevent pregnancy that way - however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses. He declined. I used ovulation sticks 2x a day and they were always negative, but obviously I must have ovulated anyway.

I have now found out that I am pregnant. I thought with him originally being on the fence (so not completely against it), and him choosing not to wear contraception, that he would choose to move forward with this pregnancy. However he has told me that he has no desire for another baby and that he wants me to get an abortion. There would be no hope for another baby in the future either (with him) as he has made it very clear he doesn’t want another one.

I feel completely heartbroken. I know we’ve been pretty careless but since he was the one on the fence I left it in his hands contraception wise and he made the choice - I didn’t think it would go in this direction. I do not want to have an abortion with a baby that I truly want - but I don’t think I could do it alone as I would have zero support - regardless I do not see how this relationship can now continue, because having this abortion will break my heart and I will resent him.

I’m not really sure what I want to gain from this post, but I’m feeling incredibly upset and I guess this is just my way of getting my feelings out and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Velvian · 04/01/2025 09:06

I think you need to be much firmer with him and stand your ground.

You 100% should not terminate a pregnancy that you want to keep. Remind him that he declined to wear condoms, this is an unsurprising consequence of that. You are married and financially secure, there is no way that you will be having an abortion and you expect his support with this.

An abortion is not contraception to make life more convenient for a careless and irresponsible man.

Namechanged4today · 04/01/2025 09:07

No advice really except to say that this sentence is the deal breaker:

" I do not want to have an abortion with a baby that I truly want "

The relationship (likely) won't survive either way, but if you terminate because he wants you to and you want the baby, you will be dealing with that heartbreak forever.

azafata2 · 04/01/2025 09:08

Hi

What a horrible position to be put in. However he is a grown man and does need to take responsibility for the decision he made as well. He knew the risks and now wants to control the situation at your expense. Do what you need to do for you or you will regret it forever. Sorry sounds like there is only one grown up in this relationship and that's you. Good luck.

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 09:08

He sounds like a prick. He wouldn’t wear a condom so what did he expect?

Id say ok off you fuck 👋🏻

StampOnTheGround · 04/01/2025 09:09

If you want the second child you have them! You warned him this could happen, he chose to not put a condom on anyway - he can't be feeling sorry for himself now and ask you to get an abortion.

Fluufer · 04/01/2025 09:12

You essentially planned a pregnancy, and he went along with it. He can't force you to have an abortion, you can't force him to be happy about the pregnancy. Somewhat of a stalemate and you both should have been more sensible - babies should be wanted by both parents.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/01/2025 09:12

I’m so sorry OP this really is heartbreaking.
you could try explaining to DP what you’ve said here : that an abortion would mean the end of your relationship because you want this baby so much. Tell him you have to go ahead with the pregnancy and want him there beside you , but understand that there’s a risk he will want to leave, which would be terribly painful.
I wouldn’t argue about whose fault this is . That’s in the past now and it’s the future that matters.

longagoandearlynow · 04/01/2025 09:13

All the above

Sit him down and tell him straight

'I am having this baby'

That's it. That's all you have to say. He can argue with himself!

TeaAndStrumpets · 04/01/2025 09:14

What an immature man. Does he have family? If so I would send him back to his Mummy. An adult would have a sense of responsibility for his actions, but instead he is punishing you and your unborn child for his selfishness.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 04/01/2025 09:15

oh op, my heart really goes out to you.
I have nothing insightful or helpful to say, but unless your partner is planning on carrying the baby himself, then he has no say in whether or not you have an abortion. His opinion is less than redundant.

What I will say, is is he really didn’t want another baby, then he should have put a rubber on it, or become celibate. He’s a selfish wanker if he thinks prevention is down to the person who is capable of becoming pregnant.

He sounds like a real treasure!

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 09:16

If he was that sure he didn't want any more he should've worn condoms or got the snip.

Put him out of your mind a moment and consider what you want to do.

Roselilly36 · 04/01/2025 09:17

Tell him you are keeping the baby no matter what, it’s not up for discussion. He knew the risks etc. You will be ok OP with or without him. He might come round to the idea, he might not. Good luck OP.

Original poster
mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 09:20

Thankyou for all of your responses so far. I am reading them all, just trying to get ready to take my DS out for a lovely day out just us two - I need to try and stop crying before my son realises something is up 😭 I will definitely respond later

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 09:21

We did only find out yesterday. I am really hoping it's just the 'shock' talking, however not sure how he can be in that much shock considering he declined contraception - although my ovulation tests were negative so I was surprised too. Just a hard situation 😔

OP posts:
SensibleSigma · 04/01/2025 09:21

Just say no. He’s not worried about expressing his opinion. You state yours. He didn’t do all that he could to avoid the pregnancy. He can now deal with the consequences.

Whether you survive as a couple rather depends on how he responds.

Don’t pull punches and hope he comes round. I think women can be so programmed into people pleasing that they appear to offer options when there are none. You don’t want a termination. Don’t have one.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 09:22

My friend was in a similar situation and how has a lovley three year old but no husband and she is happy with her choice

Christmasgiraffe · 04/01/2025 09:23

Fluufer · 04/01/2025 09:12

You essentially planned a pregnancy, and he went along with it. He can't force you to have an abortion, you can't force him to be happy about the pregnancy. Somewhat of a stalemate and you both should have been more sensible - babies should be wanted by both parents.

I think it's unfair to say she planned a pregnancy, when she was using ovulation sticks and tracking her cycle.

PenguinLover24 · 04/01/2025 09:23

You both discussed you coming off the pill and he knew the risk. He didn't take control his end and wear a condom. What does he expect? I don't understand men who are dead set against having any/ anymore kids but refuse to wear a condom or get a vasectomy. It's totally unreasonable for him to expect you to go through a termination, especially when you don't want one.

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 09:23

I used ovulation sticks 2x a day

This is ridiculous when he could've just worn a condom for the sex. What a waste of your time, money, faff.

Let me guess, you assume the responsibility for basically everything in the home and this is why he has dumped this on your door too?

TeaAndStrumpets · 04/01/2025 09:24

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/01/2025 09:22

My friend was in a similar situation and how has a lovley three year old but no husband and she is happy with her choice

Exactly. Presumably her ex husband turned out to be a waste of space but her three year old will grow up to be a decent human being. Good decision!

whymewhyme · 04/01/2025 09:28

He isn't in control here. He knew what he was doing.
You can go it alone, you will be fine. There are people on here who can help and support you with all sorts of info.

You will never regret having another child but you will regret getting rid of one that is truly wanted.

candycane222 · 04/01/2025 09:30

I guess it's possible he just thought "I don't need to bother with condoms, if mum falls prwfnant she can just terminate. Ie, he barely thought at all. How immature.

AuContraire · 04/01/2025 09:32

You want to keep the baby, so don't terminate it just because that's what he says he wants. Your relationship will never recover from this episode so don't terminate the pregnancy to keep him.

As an aside, I've had it up to fucking <here> with men who deliberately choose not to use contraception so they aren't even slightly inconvenienced themselves and who then expect women to massively inconvenience themselves by putting their body/mind through an abortion (or birthing and raising a child alone). Utterly selfish arseholes.

DorianMeile · 04/01/2025 09:33

Christmasgiraffe · 04/01/2025 09:23

I think it's unfair to say she planned a pregnancy, when she was using ovulation sticks and tracking her cycle.

Show quote history

Exactly. She could have started ovulation within the next 48 hours which can still result in a pregnancy. If he's too dim to remember basic biology then that's on him.

Illinoise · 04/01/2025 09:34

Men definitely don’t think what a huge undertaking an abortion can be for a woman. Emotionally and physically, it’s not as simple as if we get pregnant just terminate. Fella should have worn a condom if he was vehemently against more children. Or pulled out! Or a vasectomy, lots he could have done. Keep this baby, if that’s what you want. He’ll come round.