Partner wants me to have an abortion

[mumofoneDS]

Just looking for a bit of advice really. Please be kind, I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now.

A few months ago me and my partner decided I would come off the contraceptive pill as I was having bad side effects.

He knows I want another baby (our DS is 4 years old and it really would the most ideal time now to have another one in terms of where we’re at in life, finances, age gap etc) however my partner has always been on the fence and not really sure either way.

We agreed that we would not use contraception, we would track my ovulation and cycles and try to prevent pregnancy that way - however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses. He declined. I used ovulation sticks 2x a day and they were always negative, but obviously I must have ovulated anyway.

I have now found out that I am pregnant. I thought with him originally being on the fence (so not completely against it), and him choosing not to wear contraception, that he would choose to move forward with this pregnancy. However he has told me that he has no desire for another baby and that he wants me to get an abortion. There would be no hope for another baby in the future either (with him) as he has made it very clear he doesn’t want another one.

I feel completely heartbroken. I know we’ve been pretty careless but since he was the one on the fence I left it in his hands contraception wise and he made the choice - I didn’t think it would go in this direction. I do not want to have an abortion with a baby that I truly want - but I don’t think I could do it alone as I would have zero support - regardless I do not see how this relationship can now continue, because having this abortion will break my heart and I will resent him.

I’m not really sure what I want to gain from this post, but I’m feeling incredibly upset and I guess this is just my way of getting my feelings out and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

I hope he comes around and it all works out. But why oh why do people not have these conversations before having months of unprotected sex. Hoping for best (especially when you're hoping for different things!) is rubbish family planning and not fair on you or the DC.

Sadly, your relationship is over. You are now faced with making a decision: do you want to be a single mother of two?

Do you want to be tied to this man for another 18 plus years. You're not married so the house split is likely to be 50/50. Child maintenance should be payable but be aware that if he is self employed hiding his income is very easy.

He is an awful man who has put you in a terrible position.

This @mumofoneDS

Honestly, you both are at fault here. Children should be a 2 yes situation and deserve enthusiastic parents. He should not have handed control/trust of contraception to you knowing you wanted a baby. That was foolish. Sperm lives up to 5 days inside the body so using ovulation strips does nothing to prevent pregnancy at all.

You should have considered that you getting pregnant would potentially break up the family and would give the baby an unwilling father so should have also taken contraception seriously. Hoping he would change his mind or thinking that him trusting the cycle tracking was him being pro-pregnancy was naive at best. You are both entitled to your feelings, and it is very raw right now.

I hope you can both work together to raise both children whether that is as a family unit or coparenting. Best wishes for your pregnancy.

Unlikely you'll be growing old together with him either way.

Get rid of him and have the baby on your own.

Suggest he reads up on primary school sex education as he must have skipped the part about how ladies get pregnant in the first place.

I told my partner he should wear a condom, which he refused. What was I supposed to do, completely withhold sex?
The answer to that question is Yes. If he was unwilling to take the right precautions and you did not wish to get pregnant then that is exactly what you should do.

You both knew that having sex under the conditions in which you did ran the risk of pregnancy. And now you both need to face the result together. If you are clear that you do not want to terminate the pregnancy then that is that. He cannot make you do it.

He's really absolved himself of responsibility here. Anyone with a modicum of intelligence would have known the risk of conception and if he had been on the fence then 100% he should have taken responsibility by way of a condom or a vasectomy.

This... sounds like a form of mental torture for op so he could have his pleasure

He should have worn a condom - simple as that.

I'm (CFBC) the last person to suggest fathers should be happy about genuinely accidental, unwanted pregnancies, but in this case you couldn't have made it clearer that pregnancy was a strong possibility and that you wanted another child, so what other outcome could he possibly have expected when he had unprotected sex with you?

With your view of events, here we are. To terminate a child's life or not. Definitely the preferable option? Of course you don't have sex with a selfish entitled prick who expects the woman to carry the burden of contraception herself. Is this what you would advise a teenage girl. If the pill doesn't suit you and your boyfriend says no condom, then do what he wants anyway because your body is his and not yours?

A decent man would wear a condom or get a vasectomy if he didn't want children. He would not refuse to do either and then expect his wife to get an abortion. Raise your standards, they are in the gutter!

How on earth did you take from my post that I thought OP should have had sex with him?

I think her DH is despicable. He should have either used a condom, had a vasectomy or not had sex. He can't have sex with OP when she has told him of the risks of no condom and then expect her to abort her child. I was saying that from OP's point of view, he would not have been happy with any of those options. He expected to be able to take a risk and then have OP deal with the consequences.

Relying on nature for contraception is unreliable as you've now found out. He knew the risks of him not using a condom, and yet decided to take the risk. The risk has backfired massively and left you in a mess. If he truly didn't want another baby, then he should have been honest with you, worn a condom and spoke to you about long-term contraception. You've assumed that by him not wearing a condom, he wouldn't be bothered if another baby came along. I suspect he simply didn't want to wear one - I've not met a man yet who actually likes them - and didn't give much thought passed that. He's a grown adult, and he is partly responsible for the situation you now find yourself in. You didn't become pregnant by yourself. If you don't want an abortion, then tell him straight that you will be continuing with the pregnancy. Remind him that he made a choice not to wear a condom and therefore shouldn't be expecting you to suffer the consequences of his choices!

I have read this a few times and can only deduce that this person quoted you by accident and meant to quote the same poster you did.

Don't have an abortion if you don't want to, it will destroy you, it's my biggest regret nearly 40 years on.

If you keep the baby the relationship could be over. If you terminate you will probably also lose the relationship and your sense of self to boot.

One way you gain a beautiful baby you already love, the other you lose someone who has treated you badly through this and a baby you love.

I'm so sorry, OP. Like others, I can't see how the relationship can persist either way. Since he refused to use condoms I can only assume that his intention, were this to happen, was always to strong-arm you into an abortion. He was effectively relying on your willingness to abort as a form of contraception, which doesn't say much for his care over your body or your mind. A man who doesn't want children but won't take precautions loses any right to give it surprised Pikachu face when a pregnancy results.

Focus on your own feelings here. It doesn't sound like you want an abortion. Getting one will not save your relationship and, given your feelings, is likely to have profound and lasting consequences for your mental health. Others will know better than me how you go about ensuring that he pays what's due, but I hope you will do all that you can to insist that he does. You haven't tricked him, so should have no qualms about insisting that he does at least the bare minimum.

Again, I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I wish you happier times to come.

Thank you. I hope that's the case.

This man is a complete idiot...

What did he expect would happen when he selfishly decided to have sex without condom?

Unsurprisingly you became pregnant.

You want the child, so keep it.

What does he think you are going to do anyway? abort this child, then continue to have sex with him without condom and find yourself in the same situation in a few months? rinse and repeat?

I would say that your relationship is over either way so concentrate on you and the child you want to have.

Update tonight:

Had a big chat. To summarise he's said that losing me and our son (as in the family unit we have) would be the most heartbreaking thing for him and he couldn't ever live with himself knowing he's pressured me into a decision that I don't want (abortion). He's said he still doesn't feel the happiness/excitement but believes that it will come in time and that he'll step up and that he knows he'll love the baby when he/she is here etc

I don't really know how to feel if I'm being honest. I do believe what he is saying, but I can't shift how he's made me feel the last 24hrs. I guess I just need to see how these next few weeks go and hope everything calms down. Feeling pretty lonely right now alongside the nausea and tiredness, it's hard! But thanks all for being a bit of a handhold today.

That sounds a bit more positive. He needs to take responsibility for birth control though, if he doesn't want more children.

Good luck with your pregnancy and hope all goes well.

That's good op. Now needs to get the snip so this doesn't happen again. I would stand over him and get him to make the appointment. I think if he did that, it would go some way to convince you that he does care about putting your health and safety first.

This is difficult. I hope he changes his mind although this highlights what sort of a guy he is.

All I'll say is don't terminate this baby if you want it.

So I have a similar situation, unplanned pregnancy etc. we were told not to get husband to have the snip until baby has been born and at least 6 months because if heaven forbid something happens you don’t want to feel you have no further options. It makes sense to me. Husband will be getting snip when baby is 6 months and we are sure we are done

Best of luck with everything, OP. I'd have a hard time getting past all this, honestly, but it sounds like you're taking it day to day which is all you can do at present. Agree with PP who said he needs the snip stat. You don't want to have to manage another outburst from him if this happens again.

Perhaps he should remind himself about how babies are made? What an absolute pillock. I hope he was genuine when you had your big chat. It’s time for him to step up now. There were some solid options on the table if he truly didn’t want another baby so it’s rich that as soon as it didn’t go his way he’s ruined a happy moment for you.