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Original poster

Partner wants me to have an abortion

127 replies

mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 08:55

Just looking for a bit of advice really. Please be kind, I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now.

A few months ago me and my partner decided I would come off the contraceptive pill as I was having bad side effects.

He knows I want another baby (our DS is 4 years old and it really would the most ideal time now to have another one in terms of where we’re at in life, finances, age gap etc) however my partner has always been on the fence and not really sure either way.

We agreed that we would not use contraception, we would track my ovulation and cycles and try to prevent pregnancy that way - however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses. He declined. I used ovulation sticks 2x a day and they were always negative, but obviously I must have ovulated anyway.

I have now found out that I am pregnant. I thought with him originally being on the fence (so not completely against it), and him choosing not to wear contraception, that he would choose to move forward with this pregnancy. However he has told me that he has no desire for another baby and that he wants me to get an abortion. There would be no hope for another baby in the future either (with him) as he has made it very clear he doesn’t want another one.

I feel completely heartbroken. I know we’ve been pretty careless but since he was the one on the fence I left it in his hands contraception wise and he made the choice - I didn’t think it would go in this direction. I do not want to have an abortion with a baby that I truly want - but I don’t think I could do it alone as I would have zero support - regardless I do not see how this relationship can now continue, because having this abortion will break my heart and I will resent him.

I’m not really sure what I want to gain from this post, but I’m feeling incredibly upset and I guess this is just my way of getting my feelings out and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
bosqueverde · 04/01/2025 11:48

(Full disclosure: man here)
What part of "my body my choice" doesn't your dh get?
To abound in the same direction as everyone else: you want this baby, so, keep it. Going over the past, he seems to have agreed with every step on the road to this point. There's no reason you alone should bear the consequences of a shared decision.
As to the future. Some men don't know how much they value their children until it's there. So he may come round and become a real ally once he meets his baby. Or, not, and as some have said, if this relationship is miserable it will end. Which would be a perfectly valid, less harmful way for him to not be a father.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 12:01

What a prick he is. How dare he refuse to wear a condom and then tell you that you need to get an abortion.

Do not have an abortion you don't want to please him. I speak from personal experience and it completely messes you up.

custardpyjamas · 04/01/2025 12:04

Point out that it may seem a simple decision to him, but you actually have a life growing inside you that is also half his. If he was totally against having another child he shouldn't have created one and that you can't just kill your (and his) baby. As other's have said an abortion is not a form of contraception and having one just because he wants to is going to mess with your mental health potentially forever, it must surely be easier for him to cope with having a second child that you very much want, and that he seemed to be ambivalent to, and that you both can afford. I hope he sees reason.

Mrsbloggz · 04/01/2025 12:05

He wanted to get you pregnant to prove to himself that he still has functioning sperm cells, having proved that to his satisfaction he wants you to get rid of the baby.
The thing you should get rid of is him.

Catapultaway · 04/01/2025 12:09

Well the good news is that it's your choice, you can have it baby or not have the baby, he doesn't get a say.
That said, he's not wrong in stating what he wants, he just doesn't get to make that specific decision.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 12:11

Winterskyfall · 04/01/2025 10:29

"however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses."

I think you knew this was likely to happen. You wanted a baby, you knew he didn't and that he is too selfish to take responsibility for contraception, but you were hoping when you fell pregnant he would change his mind. This is a self created problem. The victim here is the child that has a father that doesn't want him/her.

As OP's partner didn't want to use condoms even after OP told him of the higher risk and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if he didn't want another baby, the only other option was for OP to refuse to have sex with him. I doubt that would have been acceptable to him either. You are clearly looking for a way to blame OP somehow.

muggart · 04/01/2025 12:13

What a scumbag to refuse condoms while having unprotected sex with a woman who wants a baby and then turn around and expect an abortion.

However, are you sure he won't come around? I'm trying to imagine how it will go for him if you have the baby alone. He'll pay maintenance for both but only keep contact with the older child? That seems implausible, if he remains in the older siblings life then he'll inevitably end up co-parenting the younger one too... I would think? In which case, he's not really gaining freedom from splitting up with you. Maybe he'll realise that it's better to accept the baby now in a family unit.

LilExhausted · 04/01/2025 12:16

Please take a few weeks to process this together, he might be feeling anxious now but he'll change his mind. It's a big life decision so please take some time.

Original poster
mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 12:22

Thank you for all the responses. Yes I am really hoping it is just shock of it all (since we found out yesterday) don't get me wrong, even I have my worries and anxieties. He has been the most amazing partner and father I genuinely could never fault him before, all of this is so out of character which is making it so much harder. 😔

He has said he wants to talk again tonight once our son is in bed so I've told him just to give me some space until then and then we'll talk.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/01/2025 13:02

When you spoke about him having a choice to wear a condom or not and the possibility of pregnancy, what did he say about that?

Did he say he would go along with it or did he say he would expect you to have an abortion?

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 13:19

However that Talk goes, you need to remind him that the decision to terminate does not and will never sit with him. Regardless of whether he wants the pregnancy to continue or not.

Naunet · 04/01/2025 14:28

He's basically tricked you into pregnancy and now wants to force you into an abortion all because he prioritised his pleasure. I say tricked because I would guess that if he'd been upfront and told you he wanted to use abortion as his choice of contraception, you wouldn't have taken the risk of pregnancy.

Weyohweyoh · 04/01/2025 14:35

“We are both responsible for this pregnancy and knew it was a possibility. I am not having an abortion. What are you going to do?”

I hope he grows up and realises how selfish he’s being.

Demodog · 04/01/2025 14:41

He has been the most amazing partner and father I genuinely could never fault him before, all of this is so out of character which is making it so much harder.

An "amazing partner" does not put all of the responsibility on you for birth control, carry on having unprotected sex with you when he knows you want another child, and then try and convince you to have an abortion.

PeskyPotato · 04/01/2025 14:42

I don't think you'll ever recover from the heartbreak of an abortion of a wanted child.

saraclara · 04/01/2025 14:46

Winterskyfall · 04/01/2025 10:29

"however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses."

I think you knew this was likely to happen. You wanted a baby, you knew he didn't and that he is too selfish to take responsibility for contraception, but you were hoping when you fell pregnant he would change his mind. This is a self created problem. The victim here is the child that has a father that doesn't want him/her.

I'm afraid I agree. You know how ovulation sticks work, surely? And that having sex up to two days before ovulation can lead to pregnancy?

You admit that you wanted another, you have more reason to know how the sticks work than he does. I suspect this is very much a 50:50 responsibility.

Of course you shouldn't have an abortion that you don't want, and of course he should have worn a condom. But I don't find your side of the story convincing.

ButterCrackers · 04/01/2025 14:48

Have your baby. He chose not to wear a condom so he can’t complain. If he had used condoms he could have said abortion but he took the risk of you and him creating a human. Have your child. Your child 4years will have a sibling.

Azerothi · 04/01/2025 14:56

Do you actually live with this boyfriend? I know you kind of implied it.

Anyway, is he a bit thick? He must want another baby but maybe not with you? Surely he'd have had a vasectomy if he genuinely didn't want another child. Keep your baby you won't regret it.

Original poster
mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 14:57

@saraclara we was using ovulation sticks that were negative for months. I didn't even think I was ovulating, I had an upcoming appointment with my GP to do a referral for some tests. But even then I was still avoiding sex completely during what would be my "fertile week" (if going by periods/cycles). Obviously I must have been ovulating it's just the tests were picking it up, and it must have happened earlier/later than expected. Just because I want a baby, it doesn't mean I purposely got pregnant - obviously I know there was a risk, which is why I told my partner he should wear a condom, which he refused. What was I supposed to do, completely withhold sex? I assumed he was happy to take the risk and would step up if this outcome happened. Sadly, I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 14:58

@Azerothi yes we live together in our own 3 bedroom house

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 15:00

@Azerothi and he never said to me he didn't want another baby - just that he was 50/50 on the fence. But now it's a reality he obviously doesn't want one

OP posts:
LetsNCagain · 04/01/2025 15:02

mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 12:22

Thank you for all the responses. Yes I am really hoping it is just shock of it all (since we found out yesterday) don't get me wrong, even I have my worries and anxieties. He has been the most amazing partner and father I genuinely could never fault him before, all of this is so out of character which is making it so much harder. 😔

He has said he wants to talk again tonight once our son is in bed so I've told him just to give me some space until then and then we'll talk.

He has been the most amazing partner and father I genuinely could never fault him before

No, there is nothing amazing about this man.

He is selfish, thinks he owns your body, prioritises his pleasure over your health and safety, and stupid because he can't foresee the obvious consequences to his actions.

He's not amazing and he's not a "partner".

If I were you I'd be very, very angry op.

Nellieinthebarn · 04/01/2025 15:05

He can want what he likes, its not his decision.

Not to be brutal, and you have my deepest sympathies, but If you have an abortion you don't want you will resent him and probably split up, if you have a baby he doesn't want then he will probably leave you.

The question is, do you want this baby enough to become a single parent of two, or would you prefer to be a single parent of one. Only you can answer that, but in my experience men come and go, but your children are yours forever.

Nc54684 · 04/01/2025 15:07

OP if you have an abortion you don’t want it could seriously damage your mental health long term and you could have regrets for many years to come.

i got unexpectedly pregnant my husband wanted an abortion. I almost did it until I had a wake up moment and realised I couldn’t sacrifice the thing I wanted the most in the world (to not end our baby’s life) for his wants. He held fast for a long time but in the end he came around and said he loved me too much to make me to do something I clearly didn’t want. It was a horrible patch in my life. I lent on a few trusted people for support and advice.

if he hasn’t come round I don’t know what I would have done but I was considering going it alone

Demodog · 04/01/2025 15:09

mumofoneDS · 04/01/2025 15:00

@Azerothi and he never said to me he didn't want another baby - just that he was 50/50 on the fence. But now it's a reality he obviously doesn't want one

You specifically told him you wanted another child and that you could become pregnant if he didn't wear a condom. He knew the risk and took it anyway.

I am 100% pro-choice but I would strongly advise you not to terminate if it's not what YOU want.

I sincerely hope that tonight's conversation is going to be him apologising for being a selfish dick, and that he will support you with this pregnancy.