Partner wants me to have an abortion

[mumofoneDS]

Just looking for a bit of advice really. Please be kind, I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now.

A few months ago me and my partner decided I would come off the contraceptive pill as I was having bad side effects.

He knows I want another baby (our DS is 4 years old and it really would the most ideal time now to have another one in terms of where we’re at in life, finances, age gap etc) however my partner has always been on the fence and not really sure either way.

We agreed that we would not use contraception, we would track my ovulation and cycles and try to prevent pregnancy that way - however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses. He declined. I used ovulation sticks 2x a day and they were always negative, but obviously I must have ovulated anyway.

I have now found out that I am pregnant. I thought with him originally being on the fence (so not completely against it), and him choosing not to wear contraception, that he would choose to move forward with this pregnancy. However he has told me that he has no desire for another baby and that he wants me to get an abortion. There would be no hope for another baby in the future either (with him) as he has made it very clear he doesn’t want another one.

I feel completely heartbroken. I know we’ve been pretty careless but since he was the one on the fence I left it in his hands contraception wise and he made the choice - I didn’t think it would go in this direction. I do not want to have an abortion with a baby that I truly want - but I don’t think I could do it alone as I would have zero support - regardless I do not see how this relationship can now continue, because having this abortion will break my heart and I will resent him.

I’m not really sure what I want to gain from this post, but I’m feeling incredibly upset and I guess this is just my way of getting my feelings out and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

It's not unfair at all, and he is just as much to blame. But unprotected sex for several months is almost certainly going to lead to pregnancy, daft to pretend otherwise. She was hoping for a baby, he was assuming she would terminate if it happened. It's not really a great situation to put themselves in.

Just tell him you are having the baby. There is no way you can terminate this pregnancy when you so clearly want it to continue. It is not an option. What he chooses to do after you have told him is down to him. You just need to be clear so there is no misunderstanding.

Sperm stay in women’s systems for several days. There’s a reason why ovulation sticks are not recommended as a contraception method.

I feel like you’ve both been stupid. You both knew he doesn’t want another child, but you both choose one of the least effective methods, not even barrier - were you hoping you might get pregnant anyway?. And while I think he’s not stepping up to his responsibility he does need to take responsibility for the fact your mutually selected ‘contraception’ method didn’t work.

The strain and difficulty raising two kids on your own - if it comes to that - will be enormous. But if you really want that child, then definitely don’t terminate it otherwise that will haunt you forever.

Be careful too, if he does stick around, of not allowing him to step back from parenting responsibilities for number two on the basis it wasn’t his choice.

If you have an abortion when you want the baby you will never forgive him and your relationship will be over anyway. Also you could become very depressed. That is not a good situation for your older child either.
So I think you should do what you want.If you decide to continue with the pregnancy make sure he at least financially supports the baby by taking him to court if he refuses.
Having two children with no support is hard but if that is what you want you will be able to do it, you are probably stronger than you think.
I wish you luck whatever you decide.

I'm sorry that you are in this position OP, you must feel awful.

I believe that a child should be born with both parents wanting them, and he has made it clear that he doesn't. If you go ahead with the pregnancy he will make it obvious how resentful he is of the child and of you for not ending the pregnancy. I don't think I could put a child in that position.

I am very pro choice but it gives me the rage when I hear of anyone throwing this option around as if there will be no impact on the woman physically and mentally.

He's put you in an awful situation. I would probably end the pregnancy and make plans to end the relationship. But you may choose to do neither of those things.

Awful situation to be in and I don’t have any advice I’m afraid.

I will just say thought, as weak as it is, IME many men will just assume that women know more about their fertility etc than they do so if you told him that the ovulation stick was negative and went ahead with unprotected sex, he is likely to think it was ok.

It is not the view I have of course, he should prevent pregnancy if he doesn’t want one! But in my line of work, I do meet a lot of dads who maintain ‘she told me she couldn’t get pregnant because of XYZ’ - lame but they do genuinely put faith in stuff like this!

He should be getting a vasectomy. He’s being very unreasonable.

It's obvious you wanted to get pregnant, so if he didn't then he can't complain about it now.

Yes, I would say this needs to be non negotiable if any relationship is to be salvaged.

If you want the baby have the baby, it will work out it usually does. He knew the risks and still took them. Don’t choose a man over what you want when said man doesn’t appear to care about what you want. The news is still new so let it sink in for all and see how you feel in a few days

No. You do not terminate a wanted pregnancy. It would be too traumatic op. Let the news settle. Allow time to breathe. Stay calm. Enjoy your day. He has a choice to make. Your mind sounds made up.

It beggars belief how people play loose with decisions that impact one's life so heavily and are completely controllable. Honestly, it's like the adults have left the room! This isn't the first thread like.this and I'm sure won't be the last.

All this Russian roulette and wishy washy discussions. Personally trying to make something sensible from this mess.....

Ditch the partner who is half the problem and doesn't ever want children.
Keep the baby you desperately want and think this is the best time to do so.

Completely agree with all of this.

You’re right that the relationship can’t survive, OP. He sounds awful and has no regard for your body and mind and the impact this would have on your mental and emotional health. All because he couldn’t be arsed wearing a condom.

If he definitely didn’t want another child why didn’t he get a vasectomy. It takes two to make a baby and he chose not to wear a condom and Russian roulette attitude to contraception.
Abortion is not a contraceptive choice, it’s a traumatic experience for most woman .
He needs to grow up accept responsibility for his mistake and get a vasectomy

Nah I’m not buying it. Unless the fathers are like 12 they know there’s always a risk of pregnancy. They just conveniently ignore it and hope for the “best” because they don’t want to wear a condom or get a vasectomy. And at the back of their minds many selfish men think “well if worst comes to worse she can just get an abortion”.

We agreed that we would not use contraception, we would track my ovulation and cycles and try to prevent pregnancy that way - however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses. He declined. I used ovulation sticks 2x a day and they were always negative, but obviously I must have ovulated anyway.

In this case OP spelled it out to him she could still get pregnant even if the risk was lowered and he chose not to wear a condom.

This is not an unusual situation - many a man dont choose a condom and are then surprised. Many babies born this way in relationships/marriages and mostly men come around.

No one should tell you to have an abortion. And you want this baby.

If you force yourself - your relationship will definitely break up as your resentment will taint everything.

While keeping the baby will most likely not lead to the same. He will sulk for a while and eventually get over himself. If he is normally not a totally selfish bastard - he’ll love his 2nd just as much as 1st.

And, even in the worst case - you will be OK! Your son is of school age. You can get CMS and UC, if needed. And your son will have a sibling 🤗🤗🤗

It's extremely unfair. She was using ovulation sticks to work out when not to have sex. If you're using them to plan a pregnancy, you do the opposite.

Keep the baby, OP.

That's not how ovulation tests work though (particularly as OP never actually had a positive, indicating very irregular cycles and/or improper usage). They rolled the dice...

He has been incredibly selfish continuing to have sex with no contraception knowing full well that you could end up pregnant, and knowing full well that he doesn't want another baby! How cruel and unfair of him to now expect you to abort a baby you truly long for...
As you say, even if you do what he wants, you will resent him and the relationship can't move past this now, unless he was to miraculously have a change of mind and want to wholeheartedly support you and baby, and build trust again!
I think you need to take his opinions completely out of the equation right now and decide what you want to do. This is your baby, and your body, so it's your decision... I hope it all works out for you 💕

Exactly.
My husband and I never wanted kids, he got the snip, thirty years ago.

Arseholes.

He "declined" to use condoms. You can "decline" to have a termination. Tough shit for him, he does not get to dictate what procedures your body undergoes. If that means he will leave then good riddance. If you terminate I expect you will be so unhappy and resentful that your relationship will end anyway.

You want the baby. You will be able to manage. He will have to pay maintenance.

I'm just so sick of this attitude from men that "if she gets pregnant she can just have a termination", yet "just" using a condom or getting a vasectomy is beyond the pale for them. Male entitlement to the fun stuff and women can be lumbered with the hard work and unpleasant stuff because they're less important than The Man. Fuck off!

@Velvian where does it say OP is married and financially secure?

OP you're probably not going to want to keep dating this man as he is so repulsively thick he thinks his orgasm takes priority over a woman's body.
Will you be able to house yourself and raise two kids by yourself?

I would be ending this relationship, he's behaved appallingly tbh. What's his plan for if you go through with the abortion? Continue as is, with you getting future abortions as and when needed? Or hoping you go back on the pill despite side effects? Dick.

Separate to that, I'd be making a decision about this baby based on being a single parent.

Exactly. I would even argue that he is more to blame. OP has been pretty straight forward about the risks and her desire for another baby. He chose to take that risk. I agree that it's not great not coming to an agreement beforehand, but what's done is done.

There will likely be another baby and he can like it or lump it, but he is on the hook financially in either case.

Agree with other posters that he has been an irresponsible asshole and the resulting child is paying for his poor decision making. Him demanding OP has an abortion is also incredibly hurtful.

"however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses."

I think you knew this was likely to happen. You wanted a baby, you knew he didn't and that he is too selfish to take responsibility for contraception, but you were hoping when you fell pregnant he would change his mind. This is a self created problem. The victim here is the child that has a father that doesn't want him/her.