Partner wants me to have an abortion

[mumofoneDS]

Just looking for a bit of advice really. Please be kind, I’m feeling pretty heartbroken right now.

A few months ago me and my partner decided I would come off the contraceptive pill as I was having bad side effects.

He knows I want another baby (our DS is 4 years old and it really would the most ideal time now to have another one in terms of where we’re at in life, finances, age gap etc) however my partner has always been on the fence and not really sure either way.

We agreed that we would not use contraception, we would track my ovulation and cycles and try to prevent pregnancy that way - however I explicitly told him that there will always be a risk for pregnancy, even higher risk than being on contraception, and that it would be down to him to wear a condom if that’s what he chooses. He declined. I used ovulation sticks 2x a day and they were always negative, but obviously I must have ovulated anyway.

I have now found out that I am pregnant. I thought with him originally being on the fence (so not completely against it), and him choosing not to wear contraception, that he would choose to move forward with this pregnancy. However he has told me that he has no desire for another baby and that he wants me to get an abortion. There would be no hope for another baby in the future either (with him) as he has made it very clear he doesn’t want another one.

I feel completely heartbroken. I know we’ve been pretty careless but since he was the one on the fence I left it in his hands contraception wise and he made the choice - I didn’t think it would go in this direction. I do not want to have an abortion with a baby that I truly want - but I don’t think I could do it alone as I would have zero support - regardless I do not see how this relationship can now continue, because having this abortion will break my heart and I will resent him.

I’m not really sure what I want to gain from this post, but I’m feeling incredibly upset and I guess this is just my way of getting my feelings out and wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

I am glad for you it's sounding more positive.
I was hoping that it was the initial shock and that he'd come around. You've said he's a good father and I'm sure he will love this baby as much as your other child.
So, congratulations!

Im just so sick of this attitude from men that "if she gets pregnant she can just have a termination", yet "just" using a condom or getting a vasectomy is beyond the pale for them. Male entitlement to the fun stuff and women can be lumbered with the hard work and unpleasant stuff because they're less important than The Man. Fuck off!

Couldn't agree more. Utter arse holes.

OP, do what's best for you because I doubt either way he will be your partner for long.

Thank you for the update OP. I think this is the best you can hope for right now, especially given the short time it’s taken him to turn it around. I think in time he will grow used to the idea and hopefully with that excitement will grow. It’s different obviously, but my husband didn’t want kids at all and now he is the best father and has done a complete 180. How can he not love the baby when it’s here. Give it time, keep having conversations if that’s what works for him, keep an open line of communication with the hubs. If he’s the silent type then give him his space. Fingers crossed it all works out for you both but I really don’t see how he can’t love the baby in 9 months then it’s here in his arms. X

I really think that noone should ever abort a wanted pregnancy. These are the people who really regret it. The relationship is over, but you will nit regret your two children.

@mumofoneDS thats a positive update and it sounds like he’s going to support going forward. This unfortunately doesn’t undo what he said and how he’s made you feel. I get that he was shocked but he made adult, informed choices which led to this and his response was immature at the very least.

Please don’t suppress your feelings as this will likely cause resentment/mistrust to build or fester. In a few weeks it might be worth exploring some counselling to process what happened and allow him to fully acknowledge the hurt he caused you, no matter how unintentional, and give you the opportunity to move forward with confidence.

Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy

Good update
Now get plenty of rest and look after yourself.

OP the minute he decided not to have a Vasectomy and not to wear a condom, he actively chose to become a father. You need to tell him that. Tell him he has from now to when the baby's born to get the Vasectomy if he wants to have sex with you again. Its his sperm that impregnated you, he needs to have a Vasectomy. You've done your part in carrying, birthing and raising his children. Now he needs to step up. Its his fault you are pregnant, and he actively chose to get you pregnant, this is 100% on him.

A pregnancy that happens because you don’t use contraception is a planned pregnancy. If he can’t grasp that he’s extremely thick.

There’s no way I’d terminate.

That sounds a lot more positive OP. I expect he just panicked and didn’t think that his initial reaction would be so hurtful to you. The excitement will come I am sure and you will both be happy once baby arrives. Good luck

This sounds positive OP. His actions so far have been pathetic but forgiveable. You need to make sure before the baby arrives that he knows there must never be any repeat of this. He also can't opt out of patenting when things get tough by stating he never wanted the child. I suggest couples therapy to work through this before the baby is here - if you can afford it. Good luck OP.

That is a positive update but I think he will need to work hard at being a brilliant husband and father to both your kids if you really have any chance of recovering from this.

I still find it so bizarre that someone who didn’t want a baby wouldn’t just wear a condom 😵‍💫

Oh op I really feel for you.
To be blunt your oh sounds like a selfish, horrible, dense bastard.
If HE doesn’t want another child then HE should take himself down to the doctors and get sterilised.
Is he really that stupid to think that he can have sex without using contraception and not get his partner pregnant?
Im sorry you are in this position.
Can you talk this through with a professional?
Do what is right for you. Your relationship might not survive this. What is your oh going to do to stop this happening again? You want a child so it’s fair that you won’t be using contraception.

His reaction still stands guilt-trippy to me.

He's still saying he doesn't want the baby, but that guilt is making him stay, despite HIM being the one to decide to impregnate you by choosing not to use contraception 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'll put money on him being the type who expects you to do the bulk of the parenting of baby #2 because "it was your choice to have them and you guilted me into staying."

Make sure he realises that this baby is happening and he needs to commit to being 100% on board (taking on more housework and parenting of DC1 when you're tired from the pregnancy for example) or he can fuck off.

Don't do the thing where you over-compensate for him not wanting a baby (he actively chose to create 🙄) so you make home life as simple and smooth sailing as possible for him by doing all the drudge work of parenting and home life.

I missed your last post op.
I’d still be cautious though. He needs to grow up and sort out his fertility.

Unfortunately I miscarried this week at 7 weeks pregnant 😔

So sorry that must be very painful for you.

Please have a proper conversation about how you move forward as a couple regarding contraception and future unplanned pregnancies so you don't have to go through this turmoil again.

By very kind to yourself and don't underestimate the hormonal drive to want to get pregnant again ASAP

So sorry to hear this. Sending hugs 💐

I’m so so sorry to hear that. I was thinking of you and this thread the other day. Please take it easy on yourself. I hope your husband is being supportive in the ways you need.
Agree with a previous poster that, when the time is right, there needs to be a conversation about more children and contraception going forward. 💐 xxx

I’m so sorry to hear that. Take some time to really look after yourself. It’s a big feeling, and your circumstances were complicated which makes it harder.

Just hugs xx

So sorry to read the upset, take care of yourself OP. Sending hugs.

I’m so sorry op. Will you consider some counselling and proper supports? i

Yes my partner has been amazing. He ended up being very excited for the pregnancy. I'm not ready to try again anytime soon though so we'll definitely be using proper contraception. Thank you for all of your support

You can get pregnant if you have
sex up to 5 days before ovulation and in some cases even more as sperm can survive for days. I'm not against natural contraceptive methods but going with ovulation sticks is not a method at all unless you're planning to get pregnant. And if you're not menopausal then of course ovulation can happen even if you have some anovulatory cycles.

If you can afford another baby and if you truly want one then going with termination could completely mess you up. Don't underestimate the effect it could have on you and your relationship.

Ah I'm so sorry OP I just saw your update. Managed to read all posts except the last one.