Help me get this straight

[always2323]

Finances
Partner of 14yrs, not married, 2 children 9 & 12.
Partner own everything and always has, I've spent some time working part time when the kids were little but last few years I've gone back in to full time and retrained. He doesn't want me to make any contributions to any assets that could make a return, so that I can't claim anything if things were to mess up. But he equally doesn't want me to save my money or invest myself. Instead he thinks he should pay the mortgage and I should pay the luxuries.
So he thinks it's fair and necessary for me to pay monthly for a £10,000 holiday and in return he pays the mortgage and doesn't ask got "rent". If he were ever to leave me and have nothing to show for that 10K but he would still have his house. I've broached the subject that I think we should save or I should invest in a property but he hates the idea of it. He also wont put me on his mortgage.
Am I being unfair and spoilt or am I being a silly idiot by not looking after my finances?

He had made his position clear: he doesn't want to offer you any financial protection. This doesn't sound like love. You know you are vulnerable. You need to behave accordingly.

You’re being a silly idiot.

You could split up at anytime and have nothing. Take control.

It's not up to him.

I suggest you invest YOUR money like he has invested his.

He won’t allow you to use your own money how you want to?

have a think what the name is for that?

This is why women are protected by marriage.
You are making yourself very vulnerable here and I think you know that.

You don't actually have to do what he says. Open a savings account in your name and go from there.

It’s not his business to tell you not to invest in a property of your own when he’s not letting you invest into the family home.
He wants you to bankroll the luxuries knowing he owes you nothing if you split.

Id just tell him you’re buying a small flat and you’ll rent it out for income. See his reaction

This sounds like financial control. You need to make sure have enough independence should you seperate and also for when you retire

My dear friend lost everything in a similar situation to you. You are being very naive of you think he cares about your future. He doesn’t, he is using you. Go to see a financial adviser quickly! Buy a property of your own. What a wanker he is.

You're being financially abused.

@always2323 o m g. Honestly? You need to start saving HARD. No holiday unless he pays. You must start saving for your own security as he has shown that he will not provide it. If he died tomorrow where does that leave you, and your dc? My fit and apparently healthy dh dropped dead at 32, I know shit happens. The suggestion that you pay for an expensive holiday but you can’t invest YOUR OWN MONEY in a property is outrageous. You need to do what is best for you and your future - and rethinking this skewed relationship.

Don’t give him another penny unless he’s prepared to offer you security. This is financial abuse.

The preoccupation with not needing to give you anything if you split up suggests (1) he hasn’t fully committed to a lifelong partnership with you (2) he doesn’t care about your financial security (3) he’s a selfish bastard.

He is investing and you are consuming - he is well aware of this and doesn’t care that it is putting you at a financial disadvantage.

Tell him you’ll match his mortgage payment with savings and holidays need to split between you. See how that goes and be prepared for the argument. Holding all the wealth also gives him all the power.

This cannot be real. He is lining you up for a period of destitution if he so wishes. No home, no savings, nothing whilst he lives in a lovely home with his mortgage paid. If he threw you out and refused to lay maintenance you'd be in a whole world of pain. Wake up.

This.

He has not even made a secret of the fact that he is purposely making sure you have no claim on any assets that are accrued during your life together, he WANTS you to have nothing in the event of a split.

Tell him to fuck off.

He's a big financial bully. It's against the law now too in England.

Holy shit, leave him. This is a form of financial abuse.
Why aren't you married? Has he refused?

He's made sure if you ever leave him you'll go empty handed, that way it's much harder for you to leave. Now you have money he wants to spend it all so you still have no way to leave. All your money needs to go into accounts he has no access to and tell him No, no fancy holidays, no luxuries. It's financial abuse Op

Thank you all.

Just to put it out there, he doesn't control all of my money, we have separate accounts as he doesn't even want me to see how he spends his money let alone have a say in it.
But he does not want me to invest, thinks it's silly as I don't need to as I'm "looked after" and if he dies the house will be left to me. But that's all on his say so. He has brought it up many of times that it's "all his"
He does want me to sub the majority of luxuries in return for not having to pay a mortgage. I do contribute to normal cost of living though.

Thank you all
I am going sod the holiday off and put a monthly sum in an ISA. Leaving enough left for the monthly costs of living so he can't complain x

Yes he has refused. Did want to at the beginning ... at some point... now he absolutely does not want to get married. He would prefer to split up I think! Wow that sounds bad writing it down.

He knows he's being unreasonable, you know he's being unreasonable.

You can't take back the years you worked part time, but you do now have control over your finances going forward. In your shoes I'd be saving money and putting as much as you can into a pension. This way you can secure your financial future and also have some savings should you need to buy your own home.

As for the home you all live in, well he pays 100% of the mortgage and then you split everything else, inc any childcare, holidays, Christmas pressies % wise depending on how much you both earn. If he earns more, he pays a larger % of the costs.

💯

And if he grumbles (which he will) simply say he’s made clear that what’s his is his, therefore what’s yours is yours and you’ll do what you want with your money.

And check your NI record/pension forecast statement and work out if you need to pay into any of those years before you lose the opportunity.

Oh op, this goes far far beyond being silly. He is awful and has been financially abusing you for years.
Do not put a single penny you earn towards anything, save it all. You will need every single penny of it. It's probably in your interest to keep quiet about it whilst you build up a pot.

You are being financially abused. Right now he could kick you out of the house with nothing so ask yourself carefully - how would you get a roof over your head tomorrow? Could you put down a deposit for a rental with enough savings to furnish it? What about your future pension - do you need to build that up or will you be relying on his handouts when you are 70?

Start protecting yourself. Be careful with paying bills proportionately to your wages, is he paying half childcare/clothing etc or is that on you in lieu of rent - check that you aren't paying more.

Don't rely on his will, he could show it to you then go and change it the next day. A will means absolutely nothing for you.