Help me get this straight

[always2323]

Finances
Partner of 14yrs, not married, 2 children 9 & 12.
Partner own everything and always has, I've spent some time working part time when the kids were little but last few years I've gone back in to full time and retrained. He doesn't want me to make any contributions to any assets that could make a return, so that I can't claim anything if things were to mess up. But he equally doesn't want me to save my money or invest myself. Instead he thinks he should pay the mortgage and I should pay the luxuries.
So he thinks it's fair and necessary for me to pay monthly for a £10,000 holiday and in return he pays the mortgage and doesn't ask got "rent". If he were ever to leave me and have nothing to show for that 10K but he would still have his house. I've broached the subject that I think we should save or I should invest in a property but he hates the idea of it. He also wont put me on his mortgage.
Am I being unfair and spoilt or am I being a silly idiot by not looking after my finances?

What a nasty selfish bastard.

You either go joint on all bills, finances and savings or you walk.

I hope this guy is salaried and not self employed.

If he ends the relationship or you do ensure child benefit is in your name and claim universal credit and child maintenance.

Gosh, you're just a cash cow to him aren't you? 😪

If you even consider staying with him, you need a proper chat about finances and agree contributions based on your respective salaries.

In your words, you are being a silly idiot.

He doesn't get to not/allow you to do anything with the money you're earning anymore than you can decide what he does with his.

He's made his position clear - YOU WILL GET NO PROTECTION FROM HIM. If you want to continue frittering awsy your financial safety on him, that's entirely your decision- albeit a silly one.
You say he's not controlling, so refuse to go on a holiday or spend on frivolity eat up all your income. Save, invest, start a pension and squirrel as much as you can, while you can still bear to be in a relationship with him.

I have a decent work pension already so I'm happy with that.

I am going to save in an ISA. I'll pay my way as well but I'll put as much as I can away because I can't see this relationship lasting much longer.
2025 plans, save for a mortgage deposit & a car. Get into a position to get my life together independently.

Oh he entirely understands that having savings is a good thing. That's exactly why he doesn't want you to have them. And why he has manipulated things all this time to ensure that you can't afford them. Savings would give you some independence and he wants you completely under control, financially reliant on him and vulnerable. And he has just proved to you that he will punish you and use financial coercion to regain control when you dare to push back a little.

You mention he has a van. Is he self-employed? A man like this, who is also self-employed, will fiddle the figures quite unashamedly to avoid paying child maintenance if you split.

I suspect you will need to cut your losses now that you've woken up, and get out accepting that it may be with very little.

well what a prince among men he is

what does he bring to the relationship other than overbearing arrogance about finances?

Excellent plan.
Forget the 'paying your way'. This man has taken enough from you in his bid to keep you vulnerable.
You must develop tunnel vision for 2025, so you can achieve those goals and free yourself. Good luck 👍🏾.

You are an amazing woman. Totally respect you!!!

You could have a nice holiday with a £600 caravan in wales a 10k holiday when you have zero savings is ridiculous imo. I’d offer to start paying half of EVERYTHING ( mortgage inc) and he can pay half of EVERYTHING like holidays and daily living!

He’s not even trying anymore, is he! I’d get out pdq!

This was me 25 years ago. My partner brought everything and i paid the bills. When we split after 12 years he took all lounge furniture, cooker, bedroom furniture and just loads of stuff. Because he brought it. We had a 2 year old daughter. Yes. He was a pig. He never allowed me to save. Always spent my money.

Jeezo op. This is not a man who cares for and respects you. I’m really sorry. Get the hell out before you waste any more time - and don’t believe a word he says about money unless it’s in writing.

Wow. How on earth did you agree to have 2 children with someone who told you that they wanted to own a house whilst you had nothing? What on earth was the conversation when the house was bought?
People don’t do that to people they truly love.
Time to save everything you can and make sure you find out his financials before you split.

He doesn’t want you saving as savings are freedom and he wants to control you

He's an ass. He's taking you for a ride. You are letting him.

Or ..he's clever and protecting himself..you most definitely are not.

Don’t pay for the holiday and save, save, save and also think about your pension situation.

My friend and her partner have just split up after 27 years, guess what, the house they lived in and raised their DC is all in his name? It’s worth about three quarter of a million pound and it’s she is in a mess.

As it's says on Mumsnet get your ducks in a row.
Can you afford to get a rental place.
Get your own car.

He is definitely financially abusing you.
He is showing his true colours.

OP, you have had some positive advice on this thread, i'm sorry you have been strung along by this man, but it sounds like you have seen the light.
As a previous poster asked, can you sort a rental deposit out?
You would be better off leaving and claiming UC and child maintenance.

Have you actually sought legal advice? I am in a similar position right now. My home is owned by my soon to be ex partner, he has paid all bills and mortgage yet a solicitor told me due to living together for the entirety of the home ownership and having a 6yo that I would be entitled to 30-40% should it go to court. The wellbeing of children trumps all.

Oh op, this is stressing me out. For all you know he's stringing you along until the kids are 18 then boom... you're out. He's some cheek to think that this is ok and treat you so poorly. Don't let him coerce you into booking a holiday. Just like he wants his cake and eat it, you're also allowed to at least cut your own cake too!

Ok so he isn't giving you a penny. The only way he will is if you separate and then he legally must contribute towards the children.

He thinks you should spend £10k on a holiday in a month, on a part time income. Did you choose this holiday?

He's paying the mortgage on his own house. Whoop Dee fucking doo. And he says you should be grateful as you don't pay 'rent'.
Where does he think his children should live, and who should feed and clothe them? Who should do all the daily childcare? I hope that's split evenly.

I'd be leaving the bastard. Then pay rent on a flat you don't have to share with him. Or clean or cook for him or wash his filthy undies.
I'm imagining he makes you do all that as well. Could be wrong of course.

You'd be better off single. As whatever money he has he won't share it with you in a reasonable fashion. There is no give and take. He just takes.

Well, now, there you have it. What a rotten partner. There's so much truth to what people say about protecting yourself financially.

Good luck to you, OP.

Bloody hell, what a mess. You need to save every penny you can as of today. Stuff the 10k holiday. In less than a decade you won't even have maintenance money for the children if you split. Stop being a mug.