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Original poster

Help me get this straight

111 replies

always2323 · 01/01/2025 13:20

Finances
Partner of 14yrs, not married, 2 children 9 & 12.
Partner own everything and always has, I've spent some time working part time when the kids were little but last few years I've gone back in to full time and retrained. He doesn't want me to make any contributions to any assets that could make a return, so that I can't claim anything if things were to mess up. But he equally doesn't want me to save my money or invest myself. Instead he thinks he should pay the mortgage and I should pay the luxuries.
So he thinks it's fair and necessary for me to pay monthly for a £10,000 holiday and in return he pays the mortgage and doesn't ask got "rent". If he were ever to leave me and have nothing to show for that 10K but he would still have his house. I've broached the subject that I think we should save or I should invest in a property but he hates the idea of it. He also wont put me on his mortgage.
Am I being unfair and spoilt or am I being a silly idiot by not looking after my finances?

OP posts:
timenowplease · 01/01/2025 21:14

always2323 · 01/01/2025 13:41

Yes he has refused. Did want to at the beginning ... at some point... now he absolutely does not want to get married. He would prefer to split up I think! Wow that sounds bad writing it down.

Show quote history

Him not wanting you to have a claim is kind of maybe understandable, although disgusting. But him not wanting you to have savings or investments of your own? that's totally crazy.

This will not end well. You need to start looking out for you and your kids future.

Original poster
always2323 · 01/01/2025 21:15

I won't get maintenance anyway as he will 100% want equal custody.

I can't see me bothering with court as it really will make things nasty.

By May time I would have enough for a deposit on a small mortgage if I used a LISA to save in. But that wouldn't cover furniture costs however if I rent I would never be able to save for a mortgage due to the cost of living. So, I'm not sure which route to go down with housing choices

OP posts:
wizzywig · 01/01/2025 21:18

100% custody? Yeah right. He won't last.

WhiteHairedMyrtle · 01/01/2025 21:19

I would recommend seeing a solicitor to look at your options. I think you are being financially abused. If you can demonstrate that you've contributed the bills and/or any decorating/renovation, you could get something. A lawyer will also advise on residence and contact for the children.

Please see someone, just so you know where you stand. You don't have to go to court, just know what your rights are.

AutumnFroglets · 01/01/2025 21:22

Buy your own if you can, even a small house is better than nothing.

Charity shops have decent furniture including white goods. Most carpet shops sell massive offcuts. There are ways to furnish your house.

Start looking on autotrader for reasonably priced cars, he will take that away from you within the month.

Look after yourself OP. Telling you to fuck off and he's selling the car because you won't pay for an expensive holiday is a man losing control.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 01/01/2025 21:24

always2323 · 01/01/2025 21:15

I won't get maintenance anyway as he will 100% want equal custody.

I can't see me bothering with court as it really will make things nasty.

By May time I would have enough for a deposit on a small mortgage if I used a LISA to save in. But that wouldn't cover furniture costs however if I rent I would never be able to save for a mortgage due to the cost of living. So, I'm not sure which route to go down with housing choices

Does he do a lot of hands on parenting now? Or is he likely to want 50/50 just to avoid paying maintenance for the children?

Freeme31 · 01/01/2025 21:33

He is financially abusing you Glad to see you have been able to see this in the space of an afternoon of support from mumsnet. Now ask yourself how you would feel if a man/woman did exactly the same to your children (as this is what he/you are teaching them) lead by example and show them the mature/morally right road. Obviously he would not care if another adult treated his children like this when they grow up - he's happy to show them how to be a complete sh!t to their partners. Be the mum/adult you want your children to grow into.

StormingNorman · 01/01/2025 21:41

wizzywig · 01/01/2025 21:18

100% custody? Yeah right. He won't last.

OP’s post translates as he will definitely want 50/50. Not he wants 100% custody.

Chatterboxy · 01/01/2025 22:03

What a prince he is!! 😏

SlieveMiskish · 03/01/2025 19:02

Is there any love left? Is counselling an option?

MilitantFawcett · 03/01/2025 19:20

always2323 · 01/01/2025 21:15

I won't get maintenance anyway as he will 100% want equal custody.

I can't see me bothering with court as it really will make things nasty.

By May time I would have enough for a deposit on a small mortgage if I used a LISA to save in. But that wouldn't cover furniture costs however if I rent I would never be able to save for a mortgage due to the cost of living. So, I'm not sure which route to go down with housing choices

I bet you’ve bought bits and pieces for the house over the years. Take anll of those things and where you went 50/50 on the cost of things bill him.

Original poster
always2323 · 03/01/2025 19:27

SlieveMiskish · 03/01/2025 19:02

Is there any love left? Is counselling an option?

His communication is almost non existent, counselling would not be an option. He can not talk about serious things unless the conversation is going his way and I am agreeing with him. So if we want to talk about finances, he will as long as I agree with his view, if I try to compromise or have a different opinion then I may as well talk to a brick wall.

OP posts:
mumgodloveher · 03/01/2025 23:19

I really hope that you now see (and I think you do) that this pick-and-choose approach to communication shows that he knows exactly what he's doing. This is a deliberate strategy to block you from any reasonable conversations where he may have to give an inch.

BendyLikeBeckham · 04/01/2025 01:46

Sounds like you have a plan. I'd try and stick it out for a few months and save a deposit for a house, unless I'd be relying on benefits in which case renting/Council application might be better.
First thing though, go and see a solicitor next week and get the down low on your options. Make that step 1 of the exit plan.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/01/2025 01:59

You're being a silly idiot.

Time to look after no.1.

Save your money. If he wants a holiday, he can pay for it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 04/01/2025 02:21

You have to protect yourself immediately. I assume you have access to your pay. Do invest in the ISA. Do not put off buying a property over furniture, this can be very cheap at charity shops and as a pp said no doubt you've bought things for the house you're in now, or anyway you can take some stuff along with you.
Yes it sounds like this is the end.
And anyway you can't build a life with someone who only talks about anything serious when the other person agrees with them!

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 02:31

always2323 · 01/01/2025 13:40

Thank you all.

Just to put it out there, he doesn't control all of my money, we have separate accounts as he doesn't even want me to see how he spends his money let alone have a say in it.
But he does not want me to invest, thinks it's silly as I don't need to as I'm "looked after" and if he dies the house will be left to me. But that's all on his say so. He has brought it up many of times that it's "all his"
He does want me to sub the majority of luxuries in return for not having to pay a mortgage. I do contribute to normal cost of living though.

Thank you all
I am going sod the holiday off and put a monthly sum in an ISA. Leaving enough left for the monthly costs of living so he can't complain x

You do know don’t you that the house will be subject to inheritance tax since you aren’t married. Depending on its value you may not be able to afford to keep the house if he dies.

Charliecatpaws · 04/01/2025 03:00

Put the same that he pays into his mortgage every month into a savings account, when you have enough for a deposit buy your own property

Onthemaintrunkline · 04/01/2025 03:35

Seriously you need to have savings behind you, soon and as quickly as possible. This needs to be a priority. You are in a very vulnerable position.

buckingmad · 04/01/2025 04:10

GrannyRose15 · 04/01/2025 02:31

You do know don’t you that the house will be subject to inheritance tax since you aren’t married. Depending on its value you may not be able to afford to keep the house if he dies.

Show quote history

Depends on the value of the house, he’d have his NRB. Also the IHT is paid by the estate, not the beneficiary. So if he had savings that would be used up to pay the IHT bill.

But probably besides the point as he sounds like an arse so is probably lying and hasn’t left it to her at all.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/01/2025 06:16

Good to hear you have a good pension.

Now focus on your housing situation. Go round the house and make a list of everything you have bought that you can take with you. Save save save.

Can you say you've heard that there are going to be redundancies at your work place so you won't be able to contribute towards the bills for a couple of months and will be spending a lot of spare time looking for other work (but use that time to make plans).

Remember with 50-50 there can still be an entitlement to child maintenance if there is a significant difference in your incomes. Have a look on entitledto website to see if you would be entitled to any benefits. Do you get child benefit? Is it paid to you?

useitorlose · 04/01/2025 06:22

This relationship is done - someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like that, and would want the best for you and the children. He has shown you his true feelings now and it's time for you to get your own life started without him.

Munkypuppy · 04/01/2025 06:25

OP you are def being financially abused, yes, even though you have separate accounts. I had separate accounts with my ex husband but he too was pulling strings that very carefully ensured i would have nothing from him, i would get no protection or security or anything to show for my work, never better myself etc etc. As soon as the penny dropped that we werent a team and he was actively working against me i left on the spot. There was a lot of financial hardship initially but now i am far richer than him 😁👌so, nice try bud!

You have an opportunity to prepare far better and make the transition smoother

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/01/2025 06:51

always2323 · 01/01/2025 13:20

Finances
Partner of 14yrs, not married, 2 children 9 & 12.
Partner own everything and always has, I've spent some time working part time when the kids were little but last few years I've gone back in to full time and retrained. He doesn't want me to make any contributions to any assets that could make a return, so that I can't claim anything if things were to mess up. But he equally doesn't want me to save my money or invest myself. Instead he thinks he should pay the mortgage and I should pay the luxuries.
So he thinks it's fair and necessary for me to pay monthly for a £10,000 holiday and in return he pays the mortgage and doesn't ask got "rent". If he were ever to leave me and have nothing to show for that 10K but he would still have his house. I've broached the subject that I think we should save or I should invest in a property but he hates the idea of it. He also wont put me on his mortgage.
Am I being unfair and spoilt or am I being a silly idiot by not looking after my finances?

I can’t believe you need to ask

Tell him it’s marriage and split finances or it’s over !

I’ve Read the updates …
Don’t say a word to him keep your cards close .
Save and leave . May isn’t that far away. .
Id you have to get a cheap run around so be it don’t let him control things anymore. .
Id pay him less just keep saying no.

He paid the electric bill you bought shopping .
From now on didn’t pay u till
he shows you , your equal half.
How does it work with kids cloths and clubs etc , Does he pay half ?

spotddog · 04/01/2025 06:56

OP, just drawing your attention to @MsLvs post. Sounds like seeing a good family law solicitor would be a wise move.

Re savings, I bet your charmer has savings you know nothing about.

if you did inherit his house you would have to pay inheritance tax....

Really hope things work out for you.