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Original poster

Help me get this straight

111 replies

always2323 · 01/01/2025 13:20

Finances
Partner of 14yrs, not married, 2 children 9 & 12.
Partner own everything and always has, I've spent some time working part time when the kids were little but last few years I've gone back in to full time and retrained. He doesn't want me to make any contributions to any assets that could make a return, so that I can't claim anything if things were to mess up. But he equally doesn't want me to save my money or invest myself. Instead he thinks he should pay the mortgage and I should pay the luxuries.
So he thinks it's fair and necessary for me to pay monthly for a £10,000 holiday and in return he pays the mortgage and doesn't ask got "rent". If he were ever to leave me and have nothing to show for that 10K but he would still have his house. I've broached the subject that I think we should save or I should invest in a property but he hates the idea of it. He also wont put me on his mortgage.
Am I being unfair and spoilt or am I being a silly idiot by not looking after my finances?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2025 13:59

What storming Norman wrote. Pay heed.

He does not want to share and regards his money as his and his alone. He does not give a fig about his kids either if he is thus willing to see you as their mother in penury.

Do these children have his surname too. Yet more power freely handed over to him if this is the case. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is not the role model they should be seeing .

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 01/01/2025 14:02

You are being financially abused.

Take your kids and walk. He can pay for his house all on his own.

if he dies the house will be left to me. But that's all on his say so.

If he truly meant that, he'd have married you and shown you his will.

BobLemon · 01/01/2025 14:02

always2323 · 01/01/2025 13:41

Yes he has refused. Did want to at the beginning ... at some point... now he absolutely does not want to get married. He would prefer to split up I think! Wow that sounds bad writing it down.

Show quote history

Because it is really bad! But it’s also good that your eyes are open.

During your relationship have you generally been more “into” him than him into you? What has let him build up this power over you?

CeceliaImrie · 01/01/2025 14:03

When we moved house my ex was the sole breadwinner as I had just had our son. He put his name solely on the mortgage.

We were soulmates and I did not think we would break up in a million years. Guess what, he broke up with me when our son was 18 months old.
I left with our baby and very little else.

Hopefully it won't, but it could happen, get your shit together.

Original poster
always2323 · 01/01/2025 14:56

CeceliaImrie · 01/01/2025 14:03

When we moved house my ex was the sole breadwinner as I had just had our son. He put his name solely on the mortgage.

We were soulmates and I did not think we would break up in a million years. Guess what, he broke up with me when our son was 18 months old.
I left with our baby and very little else.

Hopefully it won't, but it could happen, get your shit together.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Think I'm beginning to realise just how much faith I am putting in one person. I know if I don't pay for this holiday he will use it against me where our kids are concerned, and it will be made to feel awful. I already feel selfish and guilty about the thought that I'm potentially taking away everyone's summer holiday.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 01/01/2025 15:03

@always2323 dont feel guilty - the guilt is on him. Stop putting him and his feelings/reactions ahead of your security. Is he putting YOUR feelings first on anything?? Is he putting action into your security or just talk? Yes, all talk. A will can be changed in a minute. He is showing you exactly who he is. What he wants has come first so far - it’s time you put YOU first.

RandomMess · 01/01/2025 15:36

He is making you feel guilty about the holiday.

He can afford to pay for the holiday he can afford for you to invest in the property but he wants you financially trapped.

RedRock41 · 01/01/2025 15:37

Gosh OP. This makes grim reading. You’ve given him many years plus 2 DC and he still wants his cake and to eat it too!? Massive red flags. You have zero real security, stability and commitment. You’re either a team or you’re not. Sod the holiday. Stop with the daft gestures he is insisting on. Not sure I could stay with someone so intent on what’s mine is mine when you are meant to be a family. If he’d rather split than marry you - you have your answer right there as to how valued you are. Makes sense to start looking after you seeing as he has no intention of doing so. Invest in whatever you want. None of his business. I wouldn’t even run it by him. If you’re not ready to leave just tell him you are prioritising your future stability as you have no safety net in the partnership.

Saschka · 01/01/2025 15:40

He can want you to spend £10K on a holiday. He can want the moon on a stick. That doesn’t mean you have to do it.

He’s made it very clear that he is protecting his own financial position, you need to do the same. Fuck him if he doesn’t like it.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/01/2025 15:41

Op, nobody ever died because they didn't get a holiday, never mind an expensive one. He can say you're getting the house, doesn't mean you will, he can say you don't need investments but you that's not his choice. Your faith in him is lovely but it could be very misplaced - if he had an affair you could find yourself on the streets - you need to protect yourself

m00rfarm · 01/01/2025 15:42

Create a spreadsheet from when you first moved in together. With the value of his property at the time. The money he has put into mortgage repairs etc during that period. The value if you sold today. Then put the amount of money you have spent during the same period. And what you have to show for it as of today. You will have to do some research. If that does not make him understand the situation, then leave.

Saschka · 01/01/2025 15:45

OP, he could kick you out tomorrow with nothing but the clothes on your back, but even worse he could kick you out when you are 68, no maintenance and no opportunity to earn more. You’d be in absolute poverty.

You need to sort your finances out. Buy a flat you can imagine living in in your retirement, and rent it out.

HomeTheatreSystem · 01/01/2025 15:46

He thinks he's being cute. I hope the replies you've had here are enough to make you see that he's taking you for a ride.

Pinkissmart · 01/01/2025 15:49

OP
It is chilling how blatant he is being about how little he cares. Yikes.
I’d go see a solicitor to see how best to manage your next steps. Good luck

Original poster
always2323 · 01/01/2025 15:55

Thanks all.

I think I've known how it is for a long time and hoped that the more time I invest in the relationship the more committed we will become but that isn't going to happen is it.
I've been really naive and silly and your are all correct, if he found some one else, id be out with nothing other than the clothes on my back, 2 kids and what ever I have left from my monthly wage.
Time to make some plans!

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 01/01/2025 16:18

NewDogOwner · 01/01/2025 13:22

He had made his position clear: he doesn't want to offer you any financial protection. This doesn't sound like love. You know you are vulnerable. You need to behave accordingly.

This.

Who cares what he thinks. Take charge of your life. You are very vulnerable now.

Original poster
always2323 · 01/01/2025 18:32

Oh wow 😂😂 can't believe it!! Well I can! I've told him we can't do the holiday this year as it's too expensive and silly to spend 1000 per month on a holiday when I/we have no savings. We should be saving and not spending that much on holidays until we have saved a good amount.
He went a bit funny and quiet which I expected... well would you believe, 10 mins later "Will you send me about £200 for this months gas and electric bill." I said that's not half that's more, and I've just paid a £200 shopping bill "he said yeah well if you're not paying for the holiday you have enough to pay more elsewhere"
Straight in there isn't he!

OP posts:
Original poster
always2323 · 01/01/2025 18:40

And he's threatening to sell the family car and make my own way to work. The car is in his name, he pays the payments for it and I pay our insurance/petrol. He has a van to use.
And he's told me to save as much as I can and F off

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 01/01/2025 18:41

Nothing to laugh about, he sounds like a selfish tight bastard.
What is the situation with his pensions?
Do you have any joint finances?

Daleksatemyshed · 01/01/2025 18:46

Well that proves it Op, he can't cope with you not doing as he says or you having your own money. I expect he'll be waiting for you to say sorry and do as he wants, don't do it Op

AdiosHombre · 01/01/2025 19:03

@always2323

New year new start xxx

He sounds truly awful go and be free!

StormingNorman · 01/01/2025 19:15

You served a purpose and he liked the control. Now you’re not serving his purpose and he’s lost control. What a cock x

JustWalkingTheDogs · 01/01/2025 19:16

When someone shows you who the are, believe them

Original poster
always2323 · 01/01/2025 19:22

I don't understand how he doesn't think having some savings is a good thing, but then he wouldn't think that would he as he knows he's got himself sorted.
How can he threaten to sell the family car! I take our kids to school and clubs in that car as does he! Then again he knows he has a van and I don't, so the only person selling the car would affect is me. Heartless, menacing pig!
Well this is the start of the end now isn't it.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 01/01/2025 19:23

He could dump you tomorrow and shaft you.
Please invest your money so that you have a safety net. So many heartbreaking stories on here where people have to scrabble for a place to live after a split. Money will give you more choices at a difficult time whether it’s a split, illness or old age. I would not be spending 10k on holidays. While they are probably great, be smart and protect yourself. He doesn’t want you to invest because that gives you the option to dump him in future. The power imbalance makes him happy and he wants you beholden to him so his life is easier.