Help me get this straight

[always2323]

Finances
Partner of 14yrs, not married, 2 children 9 & 12.
Partner own everything and always has, I've spent some time working part time when the kids were little but last few years I've gone back in to full time and retrained. He doesn't want me to make any contributions to any assets that could make a return, so that I can't claim anything if things were to mess up. But he equally doesn't want me to save my money or invest myself. Instead he thinks he should pay the mortgage and I should pay the luxuries.
So he thinks it's fair and necessary for me to pay monthly for a £10,000 holiday and in return he pays the mortgage and doesn't ask got "rent". If he were ever to leave me and have nothing to show for that 10K but he would still have his house. I've broached the subject that I think we should save or I should invest in a property but he hates the idea of it. He also wont put me on his mortgage.
Am I being unfair and spoilt or am I being a silly idiot by not looking after my finances?

You would stay with this abusive controling man ?

In your OP you said you don’t know how he spends his money so he might well have plenty of savings of his own. That would explain why he didn’t agree that savings are more important than the holiday.

It also occurred to me that if the only bill you pay is the car insurance, your credit score might not be high enough for a mortgage. You can get your credit score and history for £2 (or thereabouts) from one of the credit agencies. Having other bills in your name would help improve your credit rating and prove you’ve been contributing to the family home. (Although I’m not sure what benefit that would be- you need professional advice specific to your individual situation)

I’n not sure if you would be better off seeing a financial advisor or a family solicitor. The initial call to a solicitor would answer that.

And please don’t be put off of using a solicitor in case he gets nasty. He is already being nasty. He probably would get worse because he would know that his abusive behaviour would be exposed without leaving any doubt in your mind and the solicitor will help you counter his abuse. He might lash out because he will no longer have complete control but the solicitor will help you get the control you need.

I think you realise now that he doesn’t give a toss about your well being and I hope you will be able to get out of the situation with some level of financial security.

Thanks all for the advise
I have opened an ISA and moved the cash that would have been saving towards the holiday this year.

I have checked my credit score, all fine and I have looked at some agreement in principles and I could afford, albeit small, a mortgage eventually.

He did ask for half of all bills, which he is entitled to do so, but forgets that I pay child care, lunch money, shopping, car insurance, kids hobbies, TV subscription, so when you halve that too, he doesn't gain a lot from me.
He does earn 15k more than me, and has income from other properties that he owns (nothing to do with me, had them before I met him) so he has plenty of assets too. Doesn't want me have my own though!
I just need to know now how I stay focused and strong over the next few months. He isn't stupid, he will know I'm saving so I need to stay really strong.

Half the bills should include half the childcare etc - time to rework those figures

Does he pull his weight and do his fair share at home & parenting?

If he gets rid of the car then remind him he will be the one that will have to tell the DC that they can no longer do their activities and he'll have to do the school run.

@always2323 how will he know you are saving?
Anyway so what . He told you to save .
Also he saves and invests . So you reply and say your business is yours and mine is just that too .
If he starts say listen this is financial abuse/ control stop it now !

Just call him out on it .
Don’t argue just go about your life and do NOT sleep with this man anymore .
Again if need be tell him the truth .
That his behaviour towards you is a turn off

Half of bills is literally half of all expenditure unless it's clothing or haircuts or treats for yourself only like a coffee. I hope you pointed that long list of yours out to him - what was his reaction?

I think pp's suggestion regarding possible redundancies in your workplace is a good cover for now. The rise of NI etc will start hitting companies soon so it's not outside the realms of possibility unfortunately.

I've been gobsmacked reading your post from the start but not posted myself.

Thank God you are seeing him for what he is. To be so clear that he doesn't want you to have ANY security at all but just pay for luxury holidays was mind blowing to me. You only have to read a handful of threads on MN to see how that's worked out for people?

I can see that you already are, but please do continue to save everything you can to afford your own home away from him. Don't worry about furniture - you can figure that out later.

this guy does not have your back at all - please do everything you can to look after yourself. Oh and about upsetting the kids about lack of holidays - another example of not caring about anyone other than himself. How selfish?

This is to ensure your DC have a happy mother. You will model a strong woman to them, so any daughters will learn it's important to have their own money and any sons will learn that women need financial independence.

Imagine your DP in the 70s. He wouldn't have allowed you to work or have a credit card or your own money. This is just the 21st century version.

You are doing the right thing for yourself as well. You are amazing and you can do this.

I would point out to him that if you split, you won't be able to house the kids, so they will have to stay with him - you don't have to mean it, he just has to believe you do. Make out you'd be fine with that, just say it as a matter of fact. If he thinks it's unreasonable for you to save for your own financial security whilst you live with him, then you could always suggest you move out now so he doesnt feel disadvantaged. Let him sit with the possible consequences of his actions and how it could disadvantage him, seeing as he's all about himself. Does he want to be a full time single parent?

Being subject to inheritance tax, and having to pay inheritance tax are two different things. The second depends on the value of the estate, the first is true regardless of the value.