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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic abuse but nowhere to go?

154 replies

Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 02:06

My boyfriend is extremely abusive, but I have nowhere to go if I leave
I have a dog too. It has got really bad recently,I have had black eyes and bruises all over but I have no idea what I can do

On Christmas day I took too long walking my dog,so he held me under a cold shower

I had my own apartment before we met but he convinced me to move in with him. I have been so stupid
I don't have much contact with friends anymore and no contact at all with my parents.
He stopped all contact with my family after he asked my dad for a loan for a business and my dad said no. He know my dad has plenty of money,so took this really badly.

I cannot contact my mum or dad for help as I haven't spoken to them for months and bf texted them pretending to be me telling them I want nothing to do with them and many awful things.

I'm stuck with nowhere to go. I can't leave my dog
He's away for a stag do until late Sunday
What can I do ? Just try and save a little money to leave eventually?

I know it's late but I cannot sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 03:10

shiningstar2 · 28/12/2024 02:58

It is classic abuse to deliberately isolate you from anyone you love or who loves you. I'm sure you know deep down that when abusers physically, mentally and emotionally abuse things are not going to improve.
Please leave this abusive man this weekend before he comes back on Sunday and takes your dog with you.
You say you were close to your parents. They won't abandon you. How far away do they live? If you can, go now, tonight. If not go in the morning.
I can't think of any reason they wouldn't help you, especially when they know it was he, not you who sent the abusive messages. Even if he has made you send them, caring parents will understand you were under his control.
Hopefully you can have your dog there as well or in a refuge if not going to them. If no one can take the dog you can put him in kennels until you make your mind up about whether you can keep him or maybe a friend can help you out with this temporarily. If you have to re-home him eventually it is still better than either of you staying with this cruel. Man. It is hard I know but you would be doing him a kindness rather than staying. There is no advantage what so ever in for either of you in staying because of the dog. As you've had a good relationship with your parents before him, I'm sure they would welcome you both with open arms. If you are working you will be ok financially and there are top up benefits if you need them for housing later. If you are not working you will receive money to support you. If your parents can't help ring the police to get you out and into a refuge. If they won't help (I think they legally have to) go to a Premier Inn for the weekend and declare yourself homeless and in danger of violent abuse on Monday when Social and County offices open. Get out while you can this weekend. Good luck going forward

They live about an hour away from us, I know they would have me and my dog in normal circumstances as they before. Just worried about contacting them after all the nasty messages.

I wouldn't declare myself homeless as I've heard horror stories about women being treated awfully In those shelters. I'm probably marginally better off with my bf

OP posts:
McSpoot · 28/12/2024 03:17

How is your life worse if you contact your parents and they say that they won't help you? I don't mean this in a nasty way (honestly). I know that you're scared of reaching out because they might say that they won't help you (but, as others have said, I am almost certain that they); however, what's the worst that happens if they say that won't help you? You're in the same position that you are in now - at least asking them gives you the chance (a very big chance) that they will welcome you back.

Zara82 · 28/12/2024 03:17

Please. If you do anything pick up the phone and call your parents. I imagine they won't be shocked to hear from you

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 28/12/2024 03:18

Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 03:10

They live about an hour away from us, I know they would have me and my dog in normal circumstances as they before. Just worried about contacting them after all the nasty messages.

I wouldn't declare myself homeless as I've heard horror stories about women being treated awfully In those shelters. I'm probably marginally better off with my bf

Show quote history

You're most definitely not better off with a bf who uses violence.
Homeless hostels are dodgy AF
But you have an alternative call your parents and tell them what's happening to you.

Original poster
Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 03:23

Thanks everyone. I will try and call my dad tomorrow, until then I'm going to try and get some sleep

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 28/12/2024 03:25

Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 03:10

They live about an hour away from us, I know they would have me and my dog in normal circumstances as they before. Just worried about contacting them after all the nasty messages.

I wouldn't declare myself homeless as I've heard horror stories about women being treated awfully In those shelters. I'm probably marginally better off with my bf

Show quote history

One hour away? Please go to them. They love you and have helped you before. You could be safe by tomorrow morning. 💐

NiftyKoala · 28/12/2024 03:58

DramaAlpaca · 28/12/2024 02:10

If you were my daughter I would want you to call me in this situation, and I'd move heaven and earth to help you and keep you safe.

Call your parents.

This! Please contact your parents.

Tallerandtall · 28/12/2024 04:09

@Chloe8909

good luck
pack stuff
take dog
get to your parents today

they will understand and don’t worry
you have been abused
they will understand you are a victim

Engineweld · 28/12/2024 04:39

There are charities and women's groups that will help you to leave ..they also have places that will care for your dog for as long as you need.

Call the Helpline in confidence, 24-hours a day, on 0808 2000 247

ApolloandDaphne · 28/12/2024 04:43

Definitely call your parents. I would move heaven and earth to help my DD if she was in your situation no matter what went before.

AmazingGraze · 28/12/2024 04:56

Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 02:17

I do work yes,no children.
I would love to contact my parents but I feel awful about what has been said

Show quote history

Go round and see them and take your dog. Explain exactly what has happened. Spare no details. Ask them if you can move in with them. Contact the police and tell them what’s been happening. Then ask your Dad to come with you whilst you move your stuff out. Preferably whilst he’s at work.

JustMyView13 · 28/12/2024 05:13

Your parents will want you to go to them for help. They’ve seen how you’ve ‘changed’ since you’ve been with current BF. Remember they know you as you.

They likely don’t recognise the person that sent those texts, and when you explain that it was him not you, a lot will make sense to them.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2024 05:21

Get to your parents today, they'll look after you
Call women's aid
Take care

supersonicginandtonic · 28/12/2024 05:28

If you don't leave OP he could eventually kill you. I know DV perps who have injured/killed a pet to get at the victim.
Get out now, even in a hostel you are better off, you'll get the support you need and nobody will beat you.
Just go and go whilst he's away.

cordeliavorkosigan · 28/12/2024 05:49

If this happened to one of my daughters I would move heaven and earth to help her no matter what was said and i would believe her about the earlier messages.
You could call all the police and get the dv recorded..
Be well. You deserve so so much more than this.

shortoedtreecreeper · 28/12/2024 05:55

Contact your parents.They are probably really worried about you.It diesn't matter if you haven't contacted them for.months.Also old friends one of them will help you if they arereal friends.
Don't let this evil bully win.
Good luck.
I think your parents will understand, I would want my daughter back, especially if you had a good relationship before.
Keep going, get away from him.
I had to run away from someone like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2024 06:05

Your parents love you so much. They will have you home and safe with them in a heartbeat. They must know that the messages were from you. The language in the texts will be different from the rest and to have changed from a loving, caring daughter to no contact since being with this man will have been so obvious to them that you’re being abused. I bet they will be so relieved to have you back.

Nothing, and I mean nothing would stop me from loving my daughter. She’s 16 and we have had the most horrendous year with her. Please trust me when I say that whatever he said in these texts in your name are nowhere near as bad as what my dd has said to me. She’s not mentally well, well she’s getting better. Parental love is truly, truly unconditional.

motherofdragons79 · 28/12/2024 06:07

Please contact your parents. Explain what's been going on. Leave him before he comes back.

Summerlilly · 28/12/2024 06:15

I work everyday with women who suffer abuse from their partners, I can tell you right now they will take you back without a second thought.
Please take the dog and run. Get to them as fast as you can and keep yourself safe.

Tangelablue · 28/12/2024 06:43

There are refuges which allow dogs if you really feel that you can't turn to your family. You might have to travel further though. I think your parents would be relieved to hear from you and have you back safe. Nows the perfect time to leave.

Buscake · 28/12/2024 06:45

I called my family in another country at midnight one night in bits. They were on the 7am flight over. I could not have left without their help. Please call, they will hear you, they will believe you because they know you.

InkHeart2024 · 28/12/2024 07:02

Chloe8909 · 28/12/2024 03:10

They live about an hour away from us, I know they would have me and my dog in normal circumstances as they before. Just worried about contacting them after all the nasty messages.

I wouldn't declare myself homeless as I've heard horror stories about women being treated awfully In those shelters. I'm probably marginally better off with my bf

Show quote history

Are you in the UK? Homeless women don't get placed in 'shelters'. You'd have to ask someone else to look after your dog but you'd be given temporary accommodation which would be a bedsit or small flat or worst case scenario a bed and breakfast for a short period, but not a shelter, whatever that means to you.

Jifmicroliquid · 28/12/2024 07:10

Call your parents. Explain everything.

NearlyNewHip · 28/12/2024 07:15

He's away at a stag, this is your chance. Contact your parents, you have nothing to lose, tell them he's hurting you and pack your stuff while you wait for them to arrive x Happened in our family and it was my sister actually sending the awful messages.... the bastard brainwashed her. She sent a help message and Dad and my sisters were there within half an hour and moved her out and into dad's spare room (with a baby and a cat) while the pig was in work. The talking about things happened when my sister wasn't so fragile, there were a lot of tears and hugs and all forgiven x x

Truetoself · 28/12/2024 07:16

I hope you have plucked up the courage to call your parents this morning

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