Page 9 | Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

SpryCat · 2024-12-27T23:17:45+00:00

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect. I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro. No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

Youvebeenframed · 28/12/2024 08:10

Christ if a Nan can’t give her grandchildren a drink of juice and a bit of chocolate or roll around on the floor playing with grandad there is something seriously wrong.
I despair I really do
You are definitely NBU OP.
Let them stew for a bit before you open messaging back up.
Stick to your guns and let them shove their rules up their arses.
I’d be so done with this too 😏

Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 08:14

Youvebeenframed · 28/12/2024 08:10

Christ if a Nan can’t give her grandchildren a drink of juice and a bit of chocolate or roll around on the floor playing with grandad there is something seriously wrong.
I despair I really do
You are definitely NBU OP.
Let them stew for a bit before you open messaging back up.
Stick to your guns and let them shove their rules up their arses.
I’d be so done with this too 😏

100%

Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 08:15

Pat888 · 28/12/2024 08:01

I’m a DGM - you are a bad DGM if you feed them crap like chocolate and squash.

Just go with the flow,follow the rules , they will relax over time especially once that have a second child as there won’t be time

Two afternoons a week is very little, why you can’t just please these new mums surprises me.

😂😂😂😂😂

Bearbookagainandagain · 28/12/2024 08:15

It depends what the "rules" are. If indeed it's things like not feeding their toddlers squash and chocolate then I can understand... These aren't rules, they are common sense (for regular babysitting).

The boisterous play is different, i don't personally see the issue, but if your daughter is wary about it is it because her son has started to reproduce this behaviour with his friends and it's causing issues at nursery/play groups?

That said, I agree with you that it seems your daughters are stirring shit by telling each others that kind of things behind your back. Your eldest daughter could have simply stopped the game at the time since she was there.
I wouldn't put up with the constant criticism either, if you have very different ways to see things then they are better off looking for paid childcare during the week and let you be the "cool" grandparent who bends the rules.

TammyJones · 28/12/2024 08:20

Lostinmusic22 · 28/12/2024 00:32

I wouldn’t be comfortable with boisterous play. Nor names such as thug being used. Why give them chocolate and squash?

You just sound very difficult, stubborn and old school. Your dds are trying to raise their children well, look after their teeth and bodies and care for them properly. I imagine they felt the need for rules because you don’t listen.

Blocking your dds is really juvenile behaviour and manipulative.

Stop playing games, and start respecting their right to parent how they want to, or you might find the relationship with your grandchildren will really start to suffer.

Exactly
Times have changed.
I'm a grandma by the way.
So far you have c not mentioned a 'rule' that is in anyway ridiculous.
You seem very self indulgent.
Surely you want what's best for the kids.

Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 08:21

MollyRover · 28/12/2024 08:01

@Purplevelvetshoes I would imagine that it's necessity and not preference. Only the very lucky have family members available to do regular childcare so that parents can work. It's certainly not the norm in my circles.

The daughters criticised the OP for not having them over night. That’s not necessity - its wanting a night out, night off. They know their kids are safe and want a night out - just with their rules applied.

OP is in her right to say no

MollyRover · 28/12/2024 08:22

@Purplevelvetshoes we asked for our boundaries to be respected, some of which involved them taking risks which would likely put our very young DCs in physical danger and they decided to stop the one afternoon a week. They then made no effort to contact DCs at all and here we are 18 months later. DCs have seen them maybe 3 times at family occasions instigated by us and get a cold enough reception at that. No excuses treating children like they're somehow to blame for this as a grown adult. It's very difficult but we're getting to the point now where we're realizing that our DCs are hurting a lot so we need to concentrate on other relationships. What would you do? What could we have done differently?

TammyJones · 28/12/2024 08:23

echt · 28/12/2024 00:40

That doesn't give them the right to tell the OP how to grandparent

When it comes to the squash and chocolate they absolutely do. Honestly, you have to try quite hard, make real decision to do this. It's not an accident.

Interesting the OP has not been back with the long list.

Yep

Katypp · 28/12/2024 08:25

I think this overbearing, rule-driven controlling parenting so prevalent on MN is doing untold damage to families in the broader sense and is so isolating in the long term, which is much more damaging than giving a toddler an occasional drink of squash.
Years of experience raising children are brushed aside in favour of a couple of years of slavishly following 'guidelines' which will change all the time.
Because of the Internet and social media, a lot of new parents think they are experts from the get-go and they no longer need the advice and guidance earlier generations looked to family to provide. Now instead of grandparents being regarded as more experienced in childcare, they are viewed as the enemy because they don't know the current guidelines, a lot of which will (a) change and (b) doesn't really matter anyway in the context of a loving relationship. Note: I am not talking about safety such as car seats, but about things like screen time, sweets etc.
Another change is a lot of new parents - again buoyed along by SM - seem to gave an unfailing belief that their way is the right way and everything that's gone before is wrong. The underlying message is today's parents are better.
I also think there is an element of control at play in posts like this and their responses - the child in MINE so do what I say or you won't see it, because it's within MY control to do this.
I don't have grandchildren but I would not look after them if I had to follow a list of prescriptive rules I thought were excessive. I would expect my grandchildren parents to acknowledge I had raised my own children and didn't need to be told how to do it again.

greengreyblue · 28/12/2024 08:26

A bit of well diluted squash and chocolate? Christ it’s not cocaine fgs!

MollyRover · 28/12/2024 08:27

@Purplevelvetshoes she said that they have been criticized for not having them overnight, not that she has been criticized by her daughters for not having them overnight. She's very clear when they're unequivocally to blame so I would think that the criticism is not coming from them- I know lots of GPs are in competition with their own friends about who has the best relationship with grandchildren. Why would her daughters want their children to stay overnight if they won't sleep anywhere except at home?

greengreyblue · 28/12/2024 08:29

Katypp · 28/12/2024 08:25

I think this overbearing, rule-driven controlling parenting so prevalent on MN is doing untold damage to families in the broader sense and is so isolating in the long term, which is much more damaging than giving a toddler an occasional drink of squash.
Years of experience raising children are brushed aside in favour of a couple of years of slavishly following 'guidelines' which will change all the time.
Because of the Internet and social media, a lot of new parents think they are experts from the get-go and they no longer need the advice and guidance earlier generations looked to family to provide. Now instead of grandparents being regarded as more experienced in childcare, they are viewed as the enemy because they don't know the current guidelines, a lot of which will (a) change and (b) doesn't really matter anyway in the context of a loving relationship. Note: I am not talking about safety such as car seats, but about things like screen time, sweets etc.
Another change is a lot of new parents - again buoyed along by SM - seem to gave an unfailing belief that their way is the right way and everything that's gone before is wrong. The underlying message is today's parents are better.
I also think there is an element of control at play in posts like this and their responses - the child in MINE so do what I say or you won't see it, because it's within MY control to do this.
I don't have grandchildren but I would not look after them if I had to follow a list of prescriptive rules I thought were excessive. I would expect my grandchildren parents to acknowledge I had raised my own children and didn't need to be told how to do it again.

I have two adult DDs. One doesn’t want children(phew!!) and the other might. If I was given a list of dos and dont’s I think isd have to say I couldn’t take it on. I parented on instinct, have worked with primary age children for decades and brought up two fully functioning adults . That’s my qualification. Take it or leave it!

SlayPantaloonsSlay · 28/12/2024 08:29

“I am too placid most of the time but once I’ve had enough I go OTT, it’s not something I’m particularly proud about.”
there will be a much bigger back story here.
total lack of emotional regulation evident throughout

MollyRover · 28/12/2024 08:32

Katypp · 28/12/2024 08:25

I think this overbearing, rule-driven controlling parenting so prevalent on MN is doing untold damage to families in the broader sense and is so isolating in the long term, which is much more damaging than giving a toddler an occasional drink of squash.
Years of experience raising children are brushed aside in favour of a couple of years of slavishly following 'guidelines' which will change all the time.
Because of the Internet and social media, a lot of new parents think they are experts from the get-go and they no longer need the advice and guidance earlier generations looked to family to provide. Now instead of grandparents being regarded as more experienced in childcare, they are viewed as the enemy because they don't know the current guidelines, a lot of which will (a) change and (b) doesn't really matter anyway in the context of a loving relationship. Note: I am not talking about safety such as car seats, but about things like screen time, sweets etc.
Another change is a lot of new parents - again buoyed along by SM - seem to gave an unfailing belief that their way is the right way and everything that's gone before is wrong. The underlying message is today's parents are better.
I also think there is an element of control at play in posts like this and their responses - the child in MINE so do what I say or you won't see it, because it's within MY control to do this.
I don't have grandchildren but I would not look after them if I had to follow a list of prescriptive rules I thought were excessive. I would expect my grandchildren parents to acknowledge I had raised my own children and didn't need to be told how to do it again.

I've often babysat for friends or family members and actually ask for the list of rules. Dietary restrictions? Off limits games/tv shows? Bedtime? What is the issue exactly?

Parents know how grandparents parent because they have seen it for themselves. Also we have learned a lot in 40 years about best practices in raising children, lucky us!!

Differentstarts · 28/12/2024 08:32

Yanbu when people have my kids its their house their rules

Manchesterbythesea · 28/12/2024 08:35

Just don’t babysit ever again. But unblock them and don’t cut contact or you risk not seeing them at all just for visits etc. Keep something going for your own sake but no babysitting!

greengreyblue · 28/12/2024 08:36

Only new safety guidelines or allergies need to be explained . Bedtime obviously is normal . But all these things would be known because it’s her grandchildren!

BlueFringe · 28/12/2024 08:36

Rough and tumble play has been proven to be very beneficial in childhood. Just as an aside. You’d think your daughters as nursery nurses would know that.

SlayPantaloonsSlay · 28/12/2024 08:39

Not when the adult then mocks the child they are rough tumbling with

VolcanoPedalo · 28/12/2024 08:40

As someone whose DM completely ignores any requests re what to do / not do when looking after GC, I'm leaning towards wondering if that's what's going on. In my case it's 'rules' like not to let GC have unsupervised access to the internet, not to give adult-sized chocolate bars, not to give a present every time they see each other (weekly). All completely reasonable things, but I get completely ignored. So then my frustration at repeating the request comes across as criticism.

OP, are you just choosing not to follow quite reasonable requests, and then getting stroppy when you're 'told off' about it?

Missedvocation · 28/12/2024 08:41

I feel like I’ve slipped through into another dimension with all of the people agreeing with you OP. You sound batshit, emotionally immature and out of touch.

of course the parents of a child are allowed to place boundaries. I would be disgusted in a parent that didn’t. As to the comments ‘you raised them, don’t know why they are getting pissy’ - my parents raised me. Which is EXACTLY why I have boundaries in place - I’m not letting my children turn out like me!

The job of a parent is making their upbringing better than your own. The OP is so deluded she thinks she’s perfect.

Raisinsandweetabix · 28/12/2024 08:42

JammySlag · 28/12/2024 00:30

I pay for childcare because I want the best for my child. I also want to pick up my child knowing they will be easy to do the dinner/bed routine during my work week because they have eaten sensible food, not had screen time and had naps at the correct time. This also means a calm and secure kid too.

However many grandparents including my child are desperate to babysit, but then don’t want to follow sensible rules. It’s not as simple as “don’t take advantage of the grandparents”, many people I know would rather their children were in profession childcare but have been badgered into letting the grandparents babysit.

Show quote history

Are you for real??? Wait until they are older, your calm and self serving idealistic routine will go straight out the window

Differentstarts · 28/12/2024 08:43

Missedvocation · 28/12/2024 08:41

I feel like I’ve slipped through into another dimension with all of the people agreeing with you OP. You sound batshit, emotionally immature and out of touch.

of course the parents of a child are allowed to place boundaries. I would be disgusted in a parent that didn’t. As to the comments ‘you raised them, don’t know why they are getting pissy’ - my parents raised me. Which is EXACTLY why I have boundaries in place - I’m not letting my children turn out like me!

The job of a parent is making their upbringing better than your own. The OP is so deluded she thinks she’s perfect.

But if you have no trust in the person your leaving your kids with why would you leave your kids with them

TammyJones · 28/12/2024 08:43

Nerdynerdynerd · 28/12/2024 02:05

I hate the attitude of "I do you a favour" (look after my GC) and therefore you should only be grateful, have only praise for me and no constructive feedback whatsoever.

That's how my mum gets on but I'll persist in telling her things like how to cut grapes properly so my children don't choke to death even if it wounds her fragile ego.

I agree.

I didn't realise this problem was a thing
My grandma looked after me and was smooth
My childminder was great.
And if asked to baby sit gc I follow their instructions to the letter .... why wouldn't you ?
They're their kids !!!!

greengreyblue · 28/12/2024 08:43

VolcanoPedalo · 28/12/2024 08:40

As someone whose DM completely ignores any requests re what to do / not do when looking after GC, I'm leaning towards wondering if that's what's going on. In my case it's 'rules' like not to let GC have unsupervised access to the internet, not to give adult-sized chocolate bars, not to give a present every time they see each other (weekly). All completely reasonable things, but I get completely ignored. So then my frustration at repeating the request comes across as criticism.

OP, are you just choosing not to follow quite reasonable requests, and then getting stroppy when you're 'told off' about it?

It’s up to your mum if she wants to give her grandchild a gift when she sees him.