Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

Gosh @SpryCat , I am always immensly grateful when grandparents offer to look after my DS. They are under no obligation to do so and when they do I just want them to have fun together. Good for you for standing up for yourself. They will soon regret their behaviour.

https://www.psypost.org/a-family-psychology-expert-explains-the-surprising-benefits-of-rough-and-tumble-play-for-kids/

OP, take a breath and some space.

Clearly your daughters are not happy with the care you provide so it is wise to step back and all take time and space to calm down.

Your daughters can point out what they expect of you when you are minding their children but they need to accept the consequences of this long list.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to withdraw any one on one care and only see your grandchildren when their parents are about.

I think it is very disturbing you husband will not listen to you regarding playing with the children.

Very disturbing.

Reading your posts it doesn't seem at all that YABU.

But I'm interested to know what this long list of rules is, can you clarify @SpryCat ?

My parents, inlaws and sister used to have my kids when I worked. One day a week each (and we used to work out holiday cover between us)

It can work really well as my kids have a fantastic relationship with them and it enabled us to save a fortune in childcare as we didn't have paid childcare (my kids are 3.5 years apart so effectively this arrangement lasted 6 years but one child at a time)

The only real rules I had
Feed them
Always use the car seats.
Bring them back alive.

Anything else was their choice as they were parent for the day. I had a kids gym membership at the local leisure centre so they would quite often take them to things like toddler trampolining or the kids activity groups or wherever.

I think these kind of relationships only really work if there is a lot of give on both sides.

I think a list of rules sounds a bit much - if they don't trust you they shouldn't leave their kids with you. I think adult kids can get a little ahead of themselves at times with the thinking they know best and can tell you what you should be doing - I'd be letting them know you'd like that to stop pronto. One thing - the blocking is super annoying, stop doing that. One of my inlaws does this and honestly it makes her seem so emotionally immature - you're a grown-up behave like one and stop flouncing.

Almost all young mammals play fight. Watch puppies, kittens, tigers. It’s healthy play.
It’s also very beneficial for children to know that different places have different rules, and to learn at a very early age that they can adjust their behaviour accordingly.
As nursery nurses your children must surely be aware of this.

adult kids?????

I do agree, however that it’s not inevitable the boys fight and I think there’s a lot of leeway parents give for this. I’ve got three very physical athletic sons who have never ever fought each other. It’s not mandatory and it shouldn’t be expected.

I feel sad reading this thread that a whole generation of kids will grow up without what I feel is the grandparent experience. Grandparents in my view are supposed to treat their grandchildren and be a bit less strict. They have done their time parenting and should be able to enjoy being a grandparent without having to worry about routines, overstimulating etc.
I get that it is different if they are looking after them all day or majority of the week as caregivers instead of nursery but op only has them for an afternoon.
I am a parent, albeit my kids are teens now. They loved going to their grandparents and a bit of spoiling or treats never did them any harm.

Depends on the rules. I’d also say no squash - my kids only drink water or milk at home and are happy with that and probably depends how much cholesterol you’re feeding them and they’re age as to whether or not that’s ok. I have rules like no forward facing (grandparents have a seat than can go either way, so I insist on it being rear facing, I fit this for them so I don’t think that’s unreasonable).

My dh used to play fight with our dds too, esp. dd2, and she was always the one to instigate it!

It didn’t for my mother and she raised my sibling and I the same way as I raise mine. We were both calm and studious children that turned into professionally successful, emotionally regulated adults.

I find a lot of English parents/grandparents have very few boundaries with their children/grandchildren and they are little terrors as a consequence. My husband and his sibling have parents with few boundaries and they have dysfunctional and fractious relationships with their inlaws.

I know which style of parenting I’m going to turn to and it’s not my PIL’s

How much cholesterol you're feeding them??
When did raising kids become like a university thesis?
This kind of micro-managing sounds unhinged to me.

Well then. They've applied nursery rules to you I suspect. Somewhat difficult seeing as you aren't a qualified nursery nurse.

This article is about children playing with other children, and there being clear, agreed rules around what that constitutes. It is not about grandma's boyfriend "rough housing" small children against the parent's wishes, and according to grandma, against her wishes.

What is going on here? There seems to be a complete lack of boundaries and respect for others from this man, and coming from a family with step-relatives, etc. I can understand how that can cause real problems. The message to these children is, I'll do what I want, ignore your Mum (and even grandma, apparently). That's not healthy and more than a bit weird. I wouldn't have had my children anywhere near someone like that.

And this then raises additional issues for the daughters: how do they navigate their relationship with this man? Mum's boyfriend won't listen to us or her, and behaves as he wants to. The focus on squash, chocolate, etc. isn't the issue: the daughters are clearly reporting back to each other because they are extremely uncomfortable with this man, and I strongly suspect there is more to this situation.

Children that have grown up. Duh! 😂

My mum has three grandchildren (two little ones and one adult) The two little ones are allowed to get into bed with her when she stays over and she produces ‘illicit’ chocolate and sweets from her magic handbag 😝 They can also eat on her sofa which definitely isn’t allowed at home! It’s just what grandma’s do really.

You’ll be silly to lose your daughters over this. Maybe cool off for a week or two and then get back in touch.

If you take the post at face value I don't think it's right to pin losing contact with them over a play fight on op. it sounds like the daughters and partner are the ones who made a big deal out of it.. where's their worry about causing a fall out over a play fight? My inlaws are like this, they cause problems over everyting complain about everyting and when we are done and we dont speak to them they send messages saying oh you want to fall out over small things... erm.. do you want to fall out over small things?? Stop being so bloody nasty all the time if you're so worried about falling out.

Did you block both daughters because of one of them?

I’m very relaxed about either grandparents looking after my children which is not as much as you look after theirs. I would never be so ungrateful or even expect them to look after my children. I’m sorry, I mean I wouldn’t go no contact but just be like I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, I won’t be looking after them regularly but I’d love to take them out for treat days like a regular grandparent. They can find their own childcare and moan there !!

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You offer free childcare for both of your grandchildren, and comply with the requests your daughters make of you.

I don't expect you were thinking of giving either GS a can of monster / coca cola and some crisps or a chocolate bar as a snack anyway. But still nice to have some advice, and gracious of you to take it.

Hopefully your daughters will be happier with the paid childcare they can find.

Perhaps on reflection they will feel a bit more grateful for everything you have done for them. Xx

Do you do this though? Buy too much, ignore requests not to and generally cross boundaries?

Maybe that is where the list of rules is coming from? An exasperated daughter trying to put boundaries in place?

You need to have a frank chat with your control freak daughter.
When the children are with their grandparents, then it’s grandparents rules.
It’s one of the biggest reasons why grandparents are so special to kids.

If your daughter wants your help then she needs to keep her new out and be grateful her child is happy and safe while she’s at work.

When my DS was little, I always saw it as none of my business what he got up to at his Nana and Grandads. He was safe and happy and that’s all I needed to know

Sounds like your daughters are a pair of ungrateful pair of shits tbh.