Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

I wouldn't like the long list of rules but think you have totally over reacted by blocking them. Also I have 3 kids and would be livid if anyone was letting them play fight then making comments such a "X is a thug'. Your the adult take control and do not let them play fight then make nasty comments. I have 3 boys play fighting is an absolute no go in our house or anyone else's as it's not acceptable behaviour so I am with your daughter's on this.

I'd be frustrated if you were hyping my kid up on Sugar too tbh, it's not like hard rules is just the wishes and genuinely good choices. What you're doing is ridiculous, you've thrown a tantrum and seen their parenting choices as a rejection of how they were raised. It was never about you, it was about how they wanted to approach things with the kids. You're entitled and need to calm it down.

Some people just love creating a drama 🙄

It's up to you whether you babysit or not, clearly.
Excessive rules sound ridiculous but so does calling a child a thug.
Do you want a relationship with the children? - if so then give and take is needed, along with respect on all sides.

This is all so childish and will carry on down the generations if you or your daughters don't stop being children trying to bring up children. Acting as adults is usually good modelling for children.

Which is bit is ridiculous? 🤔 Not giving a two year old chocolate or squash (neither recommended by dentist/NHS).

Keeping a child in a routine they thrive on which means they sleep well at night, reduces meltdowns?

I cannot imagine blocking my own children just because we'd had a row. How incredibly childish - you should be able to control your temper.

I also wouldn't thank you for giving a 2.5 year old chocolate and squash. They were rare treats at that age. Nor would I want my child play fighting.

I know my MIL thinks I'm a bit strict, but honestly I feel guilty constantly that I'm not a better mother. I'm just trying to do my best, like most other mothers.

Are you saying that a mother is lazy and entitled for ever needing a break? 😳

I don't blame you for being annoyed about rule setting daughter. But what has yyor other daughter done.

For being a trouble making tell tale?

Not a nice character trait.

Agree
Depends what the rules are.
If I was looking after my grandchildren I'd would follow the parents rules.
Because it's their child.
As long as the baby was warm enough , well fed, got toys and was safe that would be enough.

Playfight is an issue because that child then will go and try to play fight other children and get into trouble.

Overall, I think you'd be better off not looking after the children any more and just have them visit with their parents. This situation is creating stress for everyone.
.
You could revisit the arrangement when they are older and there are fewer rules

I don't blame you for being cheesed off.

You're doing your dds a big favour.

What are the rules? Are they so difficult?

Anyway, it's best you all step away from each other for a bit.

And then you simply see your wider family altogether and not on a childcare basis.

Your dds will have to pay someone to look after their dss.

Boundaries will be very clear.

Actually in our case you’re wrong. Her keyworker loves her, and when she was off for a health issue she came and visited her regularly ( as a guest not in a work capacity). She and a bunch of her colleagues have become friends of the family. I’m invited to her wedding this year. When she is off for her health issues we get multiple messages from the staff who want to know updates on the day.

Yes 1-1 is great and GP’s love their grandchildren. But my child comes home from nursery happy and calm. She isn’t plonked in front of a tv, she is having fun, going on forest walks, art activities etc. Any interaction with my mil she is wound up and crazy, because she isn’t good with children. Looking at my husband and my BIL I wouldn’t say her parenting skills are the best either.

Hi @SpryCat id totally feel the same. Your DDs might work in child care and know up today practices - but from a grand parent who looks after them a few hours a week - the kids just need to be warm, fed, safe and happy.

I’d up block them but refuse to engage in any discussions about the boys and refuse to have them anymore - until they apologise.

They will eventually as one of them will need your help sooner or later.

I would look at the wider issues of why your daughters think they can treat you like this because this is really just an extension of how they feel about you.

My grandma past this summer and at some point she had regularly baby sat for all grandchildren & great grandchildren ( all 19 of us)

She wasn’t a qualified child minder just a women that loved her family - and none of us would have been like this with her. And she would have told us to piss off if we were

I think everyone all round needs to compromise. It's great for the kids to have a completely different relationship with grandparents and different rules are fine. Kids understand. However I do think the parents should be allowed to have some non negotiable rules around health and safety as they know the kids better. I think more respect is needed on all sides.

Reading between the lines here I think that the OPs daughters sides of the story would be very different.

One afternoon a week after nursery each isn't childcare, that's bonding time with grandparents. The children are otherwise in childcare. The parents obviously work, sounds like full time, so keeping a routine is important. Rules are part of routine, if you can't put your child to bed on time because GPs are filling them with junk and hyping them up in the afternoon this is going to have a knock on effect on the following morning trying to get breakfast and out to work and to nursery on time. Likely OP didn't have to deal with this when her daughters were small so won't understand fully.

I would also imagine that being nursery nurses themselves they have a better idea about what works and doesn't work. I know the employees at our daycare certainly do and I often ask for their advice, even though most of them don't have children of their own. Maybe OP doesn't like being questioned.

In my experience, the one afternoon of bonding a week started causing problems so we stopped it. A lot less hassle because the routine was more consistent and we didn't lose 1,5 hours to traffic driving across town to pick up from GPs. Barely noticeable difference in childcare cost. GPs not happy but the sense of entitlement was getting out of hand, special clothes that they could only wear at their house (and HAD to wear), tv shows that we didn't allow, eating evening meals at lunch time and junk at soft play and the insistence that they refer to strangers (to us) as "grandma this" or "uncle that". The relationship has been massively damaged and the people hurt the most are the DCs.

Please don’t assume all families are like this. If you prefer paid help over family that’s fine - amazing that your nursery is open on evenings and weekends!

Some of us love and appreciate our families helping with our children - and our children love it too!

I’m a DGM - you are a bad DGM if you feed them crap like chocolate and squash.

Just go with the flow,follow the rules , they will relax over time especially once that have a second child as there won’t be time

Two afternoons a week is very little, why you can’t just please these new mums surprises me.

@Purplevelvetshoes I would imagine that it's necessity and not preference. Only the very lucky have family members available to do regular childcare so that parents can work. It's certainly not the norm in my circles.

Reading between the lines I think this about sums it up.
Grandparents who think they know better than the parents.
It's very disrespectful.
You may not agree with the rules , but it's such a little thing.
No child has been harmed through lack of chocolate or squash..... so this is for your own benefit and gratification, please don't fool yourself

You damaged that relationship - I hope you’re aware of that.

You prefer advice from someone who is following ever changing guidelines rather than someone who has years and years of experience in raising and keeping a child safe.

And how the kids havnt got a close relationship with their grandparents.

No one is perfect - including you - but we do need our families other wise you make yours and your kids world very small

My husband is my not my daughter’s father, (their father not got the time nor much interest) he does love playing boisterously with them, I have told him not to, he doesn’t listen, it’s one of the things they love about him. H adores them as do I.

If I'd said no rough play and my mum's husband kept doing it, I'd be really annoyed. The DC might "love it" but frankly two year olds also think paw patrol is world class TV so they're not great judges.

I think if you had a sensible conversation with your daughters instead of texting them and blocking them you might be able to compromise. Sounds like your prioritizing him over them (is this a theme?).

I would love my DD to have one afternoon a week with a grandparent. I would accept in that time that strict rules may not be followed but would be overjoyed at having a break!