Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

You sound batshit and hard work OP - great move though, you’ve done your daughters a favour and shown your true colours early on in the childcare stakes. CANNOT believe some of the responses on here.

Completely get why you snapped OP, with both of them. The one who reported back to her sister sounds like she was having a good stir.

I get having some rules but if it’s stuff that’s a given like “always strap them in in the car/don’t feed them chocolate and lard for tea” it’s patronising because it implies you don’t care about their safety or feeding them proper food. Bearing in mind you’ve raised your own children effectively- I assume anyway as they’re still very much alive and well enough to dish out utter nonsense.

Blocking them might not have been a great idea but it’s temporary anyway, you said until you calm down. Major problem with that is they’re now ranting to each other about it and egging each other on no doubt.

Your DDs would think the kids in our family are feral - and they are not!
I was brought up with quite stringent rules and as a result I am rules-orientated, which has sometimes led to me living in fear of breaking them. My mum would never let me do anything physical she didn’t approve of.
In my other half’s family, they are a fearless bunch. My heart is in it mouth sometimes when the kids are here because the fear kicks in.
Yes, they have juice and sweets now and again, and use their tablets. There can also be a bit of play fighting but it’s rare. But I’ve seen these kids growing up full of confidence. They are not brats, they are full of confidence. Some of the girls play football, do martial arts. They are all physically confident and very socially adept. One Gd goes wild camping with her dad a lot. I’ve seen pics of her up trees and in lakes fishing.
Here’s the thing - their parents are happy, and so are they.
They are full of humour, yes there’s a bit of ribbing at times, but I have to come to watch children who will be better prepared for the outside world.
It has opened my eyes. I was never allowed to even go on a ride at the funfair in case something bad happened.
So now they have challenged me to go on one with them, and the youngest, who is 5, so I can go on one of the ‘little’ rides with her.
You are wonderful to offer to look after your GC.

I wouldn’t want my 2 yrs old being given chocolate or squash by grandparents.

id rather pay for childcare than have free childcare by grandparents that are too stubborn to follow rules. It’s not that hard, why can’t you follow the rules?

Yeah maybe if they are 8.

not 2 year olds

I'm on the fence here depending on the "rules" your daughters want you to follow. Are these safety rules? Like no peanuts or pop-corn (choking hasard) or are they silly rules making no common sense ? I did tell my Mil that baby has to be put to sleep on his back when small with no plush toys in bed because she wasn't aware about how health guidance had changed since she was a mother. When older I only asked her not to give them anything they could choke on, cut all food, sit down while eating etc. But we talked about all this and I explained why, it wasn't me being controlling about small stuff, just safety measures and I never gave her a list of rules. It sounds a bit ott.

You are unreasonable to block them, but definitely not unreasonable to say no you’re not looking after them on your own anymore. You will see them with their parents only when they visit unless they change their attitude.

So you do find your H playing inappropriately with dgs since you have told him to stop? And he refuses to listen ? This would be a red flag for me as a parent I'll admit.

It seems that not only have you been caring for GC to fill a need for their parents, but also asking to have them .... two very different things.

It is not hard to follow basic rules requested by the child's parents, but on the other hand parents need to understand that different carers will inevitably do things slightly differently and children get that.

Feel sorry for you OP but think the reaction may have cut your nose off to spite your face. It would have been better to stay calm and say you’re struggling with the rules and unfortunately might be best interest for GS if you just see him with the rest of family and, to keep things fair, not have the other GS either…. Then that might have made DD less fussy about the rules or really might have made them agree.

The angry texts and the blocking might make DD worry you’re unreliable or just get angry with you themselves!

Hope you sort it so you can have relationship with GS and things get better with DDs. We have some rules with GP’s but they’re not particularly rigid and I wouldn’t really care if they were broken! More around having naps and things!

Oh yes. 2 is young for those.

As long as you're equally prepared to be called out by your parents for your behaviour. But I suspect that you're not.

Criticism mainly goes i@n one direction as far as I can tell. If a grandparent is uncomfortable about their child's decisions, they're supposed to put up and shut up. But their child can criticise their parent all they like..

You sound just like my MIL... who we no longer see by the way.

I think it's the right move for you to stop looking after your grandchildren without their parents being present as you, quite frankly, sound a little unhinged!

I'm really surprised by the replies on here.

Yes it sounds ott being given a list of rules. However by your own admission you're giving your gc chocolate, squash and your husband is playing fighting and calling your gs a thug.

I wouldn't give a toddler squash or chocolate. And now you've blocked your daughters. Very mature.

Don't be surprised if your daughters don't stop speaking to you altogether.

@SpryCat I'm 64 so grandparent age although we don't have any.

Our DC are 30 and 26. They did not have chocolate and squash as a matter of routine when they were 2.5. Actually I'd have been more opposed to the squash. My children were not allowed to play fight and never did. Fighting is not play and shoukd never be encouraged - it normalises violence.

The things you have mentioned strike me as common sense and the list should not be needed. I never had to give MIL or mother that sort of list although MIL had to be discouraged from throwing balls in the house

I think you need to apologise to your daughters and respect their parenting boundaries in future. Your dd's are right on this one.

I think there is definitely more to this story.
You mention the sisters texting each other, I wonder if this is because as you say, they are reporting back but this is because they have spoken to you about certain things (these rules) and you have continued to ignore them. In which case as the daughter I would be annoyed and mention to my siblings 'mum is still letting partner play rough with the boys despite us telling her it winds them up too much'.

In your OP you only mention one daughter needing the childcare and offering to have the other GS to give the daughter a break. So ultimately they don't actually need your help so by blocking them you could be the one to miss out on time with the grandchildren as they don't necessarily need your help and might think that your attitude is not acceptable and immature.

Going forward I think you need to talk about what is/is not ok. Yes your partner might enjoy the rough play with the boys but your daughters might not appreciate that if the boys go around copying that behaviour elsewhere and not knowing the boundaries for stopping. It sounds to me like even when the daughters are there you still do what you want and ignore their wishes as you do want to be seen as the golden grandparent and use allowing rule breaking as a way to win the children's affection which is not how it should be.

We follow the rules to a point but eye roll and quietly ignore the more stupid ones. I got a dreadful telling off for watching Snow White. Apparently it contains images of sexual assault and is unsuitable. I am a bit braver now as we are on grandchild number 6 and the amount of childcare I do I've learnt insist on a bit of thanks and respect Cut your daughters some slack, it's hard leaving your babies and establish some better boundiaries rather than throwing your toys out of the pram.

The drama seems to be on both sides here. Exhausting. All of you.

I'm sorry @SpryCat this just a horrible situation.
I do think by dec in the uk a lot of peoples tempers are frayed.. that said...

I have a 2.5 and 1 yr old and i think yanbu at all.
I cant believe 40% think yabu either.

I try not to be too prescriptive with my mum. She has an wonderful relationship with my kids and its a joy to watch.
Yes there are some low level annoyances but i trust her, she loves them and i am also massively appreciative for all the free childcare which makes my life a thousand times easier.

If / when this blows over and you all calm down...either say...

1. This isnt working. i want everyone to be happy you sound like you want paid childcare lets just meet up socially from now on.

OR

1. if you feel you are prepared to forgive and they want the help and support you are generously providing I'd have a few ground rules of my own

-They provide all food and drinks.
-They provide games / activities.
-No more nitpicking and no more feedback on anything other than serious issues / big ticket items(ie feeding child food they have an allergy to, endangering gc physically etc.)

Your older dd also sounds like a right shit stirrer! Personally Id be inclined to let them help each other out since they both know all the "rules" and you are apparently untrustworthy and incompetent

My mum looks after my DS. She does it her way.

A list would be annoying, but given you're behaviour maybe you do need a list. Very immature to block your daughters and say you won't have the children anymore.

My mother was very strict, especially around diet. I wasn’t allowed chocolate or cake or sugary drinks etc.
My nan didn’t agree with her rules but felt obligated to follow them, but luckily Grampy did not lol. He’d sneak me cream cakes, chocolate and if mum complained he was quite firm with her. I loved my grandparents so much. I enjoyed going to them, they had the treats and a different more indulgent type of love. Years on, it hasn’t harmed me. I’m 44 and go to the gym and I’m healthy and I eat chocolate from time to time. I’ve never had a filling in my life. I remember cuddling up on nans lap, watching Cilla Blacks Blind Date, drinking a milkshake made from blended Mars Bars, Angel cake and ice cream. How I wish I could go back for just a day.
Hearing all these rules just feels so joyless.

Well done OP. Grandparents feelings are rarely considered your daughters need to take a long hard look at themselves. Sanctimonious people judging a bit of play fighting need to give their heads a wobble. It sounds like your daughters a looking for reasons to judge you.

My mum has had all of my children once a week from about 5 months, she offered the arrangement. I never gave her any rules and I accepted very early on that if I wanted to have free childcare then I had no say in what happened. If i wasnt happy with this, I'd have paid for childcare and just visited with the kids once a week.

My parents take them out buy them treats and cakes ect. She only has them one day a week in the school holidays now and the kids really love spending time with her.