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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

577 replies

SpryCat · 27/12/2024 23:17

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

OP posts:
Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 18:04

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 17:15

I was sleeping on my friends sofa so couldn’t take them, I couldn’t force them to go with me, once I had emergency housing the following week I told them they could but they were confused and angry and clinging on their dad. They refused to talk to me. They were living in the house they were brought up in. At that time I thought it was all me and it took around 8 months to sort out that I had been coerced and manipulated for 16 years and join the dots up. I believed they were better off with him. Unless you have been in that situation you don’t know how you take on all the blame, that you are not doing enough to please and not wanting to do as your told is considered betrayal. I was told early on after the children were born that if we split up him and his family would make sure I wouldn’t get custody and not see them much. I had no family to talk too, ex didn’t like me having friends so I was very much alone, that’s not my excuse it’s what happened.
Should I have left years earlier… YES I should have but regret won’t turn the clock back. I’m a different person than I was then, no one walks over me unless they are my family. It’s not right but that’s me.

Edited
Show quote history

Op don’t engage with these posters as they have no idea what abuse it.

rightinthedavinamccalls · 28/12/2024 18:22

Gogogo12345 · 28/12/2024 16:40

2 of my kids are in their 30s and they had their grapes cut up when they were little. Hardly new.

Show quote history

Some people think they invented parenting. They also think we all battered our children.

Gogogo12345 · 28/12/2024 18:34

Nerdynerdynerd · 28/12/2024 16:43

So from saying i didn't choke to death to saying your kids grapes were cut up? That's a bit of a switch

My mum said she never cut up grapes before giving them to me as a child - what's your point?

Show quote history

Assuming that no grandparents cut up grapes for their own kids

Original poster
SpryCat · 28/12/2024 18:40

Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 18:04

Op don’t engage with these posters as they have no idea what abuse it.

Show quote history

I read the posts and have took it all in, some posts have made me see the bigger picture and my part in all of it. I’m calmer today, unblocked them on fb and did tell eldest I was sorry, that I was upset yesterday. I also said unless she’s made prior arrangements I can look after youngest Gc so her and partner can go out on a date.
I do understand my other Dd is frightened of not following rules and doing the best she can for her son, it’s just better for her if he goes to nursery. I will have a discussion with her, I don’t want to be estranged from any of them.

OP posts:
theallotmentqueen · 28/12/2024 19:11

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 18:40

I read the posts and have took it all in, some posts have made me see the bigger picture and my part in all of it. I’m calmer today, unblocked them on fb and did tell eldest I was sorry, that I was upset yesterday. I also said unless she’s made prior arrangements I can look after youngest Gc so her and partner can go out on a date.
I do understand my other Dd is frightened of not following rules and doing the best she can for her son, it’s just better for her if he goes to nursery. I will have a discussion with her, I don’t want to be estranged from any of them.

Show quote history

Honestly this sounds like a really tough situation. For what it's worth, I come from an abusive household and my lovely mum was the subject of my Dad's abuse, so I recognise what a tough situation you were put in. As other poster's have written, your original question has been totally derailed by posters questioning your own parenting skills, which is neither here nor there. You probably weren't the best parent when your kids were growing up: neither was my mum. That's how abuse works - it destroys your entire identity, your ability to function, and your ability to form relationships. Of course it affects your parenting ability. It's a bloody low blow for posters for go for you in that area.

It's really good that you unblocked your daughter today and apologised, that's really healthy and I'm glad for your and your family. However, I think it might be worth having a wider conversation with her about this as it seems to be something which is distressing you and possibly her. You could ask her (and your other daughter if she's been acting in a similar way?) out to coffee and explicitly say you want to talk about childcare stuff. I think it would be mutually beneficial. Some key points you could cover:

  1. How you feel when you are constantly criticised
  2. How she feels about you looking after the kids
  3. How, if she feels uncomfortable with you looking after the kids what you can do better
  4. How, if you feel uncomfortable looking after the kids (b/c you feel criticised) how she can do better (e.g. in regard to communicating her feelings with you)
  5. How you can both communicate better next time, if this is going to be a long-running thing. It probably will be, so it's probably best to just be explicit with it, don't present it as a problem and more something to figure out together.

Remind her that you are both on the same side. Remind her that you are on HER side and all you want is to show her and your grandchildren love. Tell her that this conversation isn't about blame and accusation, but its about building your relationship with each other and working in partnership.

Good luck. Sounds like you're both trying your best, hope it all goes well.

Kelwar · 28/12/2024 19:44

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 17:15

I was sleeping on my friends sofa so couldn’t take them, I couldn’t force them to go with me, once I had emergency housing the following week I told them they could but they were confused and angry and clinging on their dad. They refused to talk to me. They were living in the house they were brought up in. At that time I thought it was all me and it took around 8 months to sort out that I had been coerced and manipulated for 16 years and join the dots up. I believed they were better off with him. Unless you have been in that situation you don’t know how you take on all the blame, that you are not doing enough to please and not wanting to do as your told is considered betrayal. I was told early on after the children were born that if we split up him and his family would make sure I wouldn’t get custody and not see them much. I had no family to talk too, ex didn’t like me having friends so I was very much alone, that’s not my excuse it’s what happened.
Should I have left years earlier… YES I should have but regret won’t turn the clock back. I’m a different person than I was then, no one walks over me unless they are my family. It’s not right but that’s me.

Edited
Show quote history

I think you sound like an amazing lady.. you’ve been through a lot and now you are trying to offer help to your daughters with their children..I also had a hideous childhood and am desperate to do things differently for my own children.. the only thing o would say to you is.. and I’m only saying this as someone who is reactionary and not always getting it right.: is to try not to react as if you are still in those horrendously toxic situations.. it’s what we all do when we have lived with trauma, but spunds to me like your girls love you and do need you, but because of their own trauma they may not be responding appropriately to things they aren’t happy with and you in turn are reacting and the situation can easily escalate.. in these situations we need to be strong mummy bears and speak to our kids.. find out how we can make it better and really listen to each other… whether we think we are wrong or right we must accept we all have different opinions and work together. When your girls see you are really listening to their worries they will chill.. and the whole cycle will become harmonious.. you’ve got this..lots of love

HÆLTHEPAIN · 28/12/2024 20:15

My niece, who is 9, has been pretty much banned from having sweets, biscuits and chocolate all her life. She now sneaks them and if ‘caught’ by one of us, begs us not to tell her parents. She also has quite a limited diet overall.

My other niece, slightly younger, has had access to sweets, chocolate, cake etc all her life and can take it or leave it. She has a varied diet. She used to often have a ‘grazing plate’ for meals, with a variety of things on. Sometimes the sweet stuff was left, sometimes something savoury was left. She has no issues regulating her food intake. The first niece I described, already shows signs of disordered eating.

Original poster
SpryCat · 28/12/2024 20:17

Kelwar · 28/12/2024 19:44

I think you sound like an amazing lady.. you’ve been through a lot and now you are trying to offer help to your daughters with their children..I also had a hideous childhood and am desperate to do things differently for my own children.. the only thing o would say to you is.. and I’m only saying this as someone who is reactionary and not always getting it right.: is to try not to react as if you are still in those horrendously toxic situations.. it’s what we all do when we have lived with trauma, but spunds to me like your girls love you and do need you, but because of their own trauma they may not be responding appropriately to things they aren’t happy with and you in turn are reacting and the situation can easily escalate.. in these situations we need to be strong mummy bears and speak to our kids.. find out how we can make it better and really listen to each other… whether we think we are wrong or right we must accept we all have different opinions and work together. When your girls see you are really listening to their worries they will chill.. and the whole cycle will become harmonious.. you’ve got this..lots of love

Show quote history

Thank you so much, your post really resonated with me x

OP posts:
R053 · 28/12/2024 20:27

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 18:40

I read the posts and have took it all in, some posts have made me see the bigger picture and my part in all of it. I’m calmer today, unblocked them on fb and did tell eldest I was sorry, that I was upset yesterday. I also said unless she’s made prior arrangements I can look after youngest Gc so her and partner can go out on a date.
I do understand my other Dd is frightened of not following rules and doing the best she can for her son, it’s just better for her if he goes to nursery. I will have a discussion with her, I don’t want to be estranged from any of them.

Show quote history

What a great update! Well done. Hoping you all get the chance to clear the air and move on. It might be worth talking to your DDs about your shared past as well, so that they understand better and are more patient with you. And vice versa!

Kelwar · 28/12/2024 20:57

HÆLTHEPAIN · 28/12/2024 20:15

My niece, who is 9, has been pretty much banned from having sweets, biscuits and chocolate all her life. She now sneaks them and if ‘caught’ by one of us, begs us not to tell her parents. She also has quite a limited diet overall.

My other niece, slightly younger, has had access to sweets, chocolate, cake etc all her life and can take it or leave it. She has a varied diet. She used to often have a ‘grazing plate’ for meals, with a variety of things on. Sometimes the sweet stuff was left, sometimes something savoury was left. She has no issues regulating her food intake. The first niece I described, already shows signs of disordered eating.

A very dear friend of mine didn’t want her children having sugar at all as children.. her children are now obsessed with eating crap.. if your children have a little of everything growing up they don’t fixate on the forbidden foods.. my husband is a classic example also, his mum is an amazing cook, he didn’t grow up with treats at all.. now he hides biscuits in his underwear drawers and can eat a packet in one go.. he’s not overweight but he does have borderline diabetes.. a little moderation with everything is important.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 28/12/2024 20:58

I'd not have offered to take the dgc. I'd happily ring the and apologise for acting in anger, but looking after the dgc is causing issues so I'd stop doing it and be a grandparent when they come to visit but I'd not be giving childcare, that's not your job.

Kelwar · 28/12/2024 21:01

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 20:17

Thank you so much, your post really resonated with me x

Show quote history

I hope you and your girls can work through this.. none of you are wrong.. just hurt by past events.. you all seem to love one another and that’s what’s important. Keep hold of that x

Original poster
SpryCat · 28/12/2024 21:07

JustWalkingTheDogs · 28/12/2024 20:58

I'd not have offered to take the dgc. I'd happily ring the and apologise for acting in anger, but looking after the dgc is causing issues so I'd stop doing it and be a grandparent when they come to visit but I'd not be giving childcare, that's not your job.

I don’t get told off for looking after this one, I only look after him occasionally and his mum goes upstairs to my craft room whilst I’m downstairs with him.

OP posts:
Nerdynerdynerd · 28/12/2024 23:46

Gogogo12345 · 28/12/2024 18:34

Assuming that no grandparents cut up grapes for their own kids

Show quote history

No, I was talking about personal experience - not sure why you're so bothered by my posts to be so sarcastic.

Valeriekat · 29/12/2024 08:20

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 00:22

My husband is my not my daughter’s father, (their father not got the time nor much interest) he does love playing boisterously with them, I have told him not to, he doesn’t listen, it’s one of the things they love about him. H adores them as do I.

That is a bit of a red flag. Is it that that really concerns your daughters?

Valeriekat · 29/12/2024 08:26

I would update that to say MASSIVE red flag!

nc43214321 · 29/12/2024 09:41

Yes sounds like non of you are wrong and just not communicating very well. But if you fundamentally do not want to look after the GC that is okay too. Just say it's not working for you, they will find alternative childcare.

Original poster
SpryCat · 29/12/2024 11:18

So youngest daughter just messaged me, it’s her partner who took exception to some my H said in jest, he said Gs was a thug and it’d be her partners problem ?? That words are words and Gs doesn’t know the difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpryCat · 29/12/2024 11:44

Valeriekat · 29/12/2024 08:20

That is a bit of a red flag. Is it that that really concerns your daughters?

Show quote history

Gs asks for grandad to rough play, that’s one of the things he loves about coming to mine, Gs follows him about continuously. That’s not a red flag or abuse and now younger Gs runs over to them. No one actually gets hurt and Gs doesn’t play like that with anyone else. The time I told him to stop was when Dd was at ours and Gs jumped on mums lap and said no stop and H was still in dinosaur mode and said dinos don’t know the word no and kept in character. I said no more and H stopped but didn’t know he had peed of my Dd by not stopping immediately after Gs said no. I think it’s just a mix of old school vs new and not him deliberately not respecting Gs’s word.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 29/12/2024 12:12

SpryCat · 29/12/2024 11:44

Gs asks for grandad to rough play, that’s one of the things he loves about coming to mine, Gs follows him about continuously. That’s not a red flag or abuse and now younger Gs runs over to them. No one actually gets hurt and Gs doesn’t play like that with anyone else. The time I told him to stop was when Dd was at ours and Gs jumped on mums lap and said no stop and H was still in dinosaur mode and said dinos don’t know the word no and kept in character. I said no more and H stopped but didn’t know he had peed of my Dd by not stopping immediately after Gs said no. I think it’s just a mix of old school vs new and not him deliberately not respecting Gs’s word.

Show quote history

It’s not about old school vs new school it’s about no means no, dinosaur or not your H should be respecting that and it’s absolutely vital to instil that message in GS. No means no and you can’t just be “in character” and ignore it. Thats a flipping dangerous message and I’d be fuming.

I had a friend come round to mine was playing with my son, tickling him. My son said no and he thought it’d be funny to keep tickling. That person never returned to my house. My son was furious his autonomy wasn’t respected and I stood by him, as I should.

Original poster
SpryCat · 29/12/2024 12:54

Teaching children body autonomy is vital, I wholeheartedly agree!
I just believe we have to teach children to be able to cope when they go out into the real world. You think in school a bully will listen when your child says “No! You are violating my rights by stealing my dinner money” I just think your teaching kids how to behave in “if life was fair” world and as adults we know the world isn’t like that.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 29/12/2024 12:56

SpryCat · 29/12/2024 12:54

Teaching children body autonomy is vital, I wholeheartedly agree!
I just believe we have to teach children to be able to cope when they go out into the real world. You think in school a bully will listen when your child says “No! You are violating my rights by stealing my dinner money” I just think your teaching kids how to behave in “if life was fair” world and as adults we know the world isn’t like that.

Edited

So are you are saying your H is your GCs first bully or…?

No, I don’t believe for a second that family should violate body autonomy to “teach children bullies wont listen to No”

Disgusting. You can use your words to teach, and teach that there are ZERO excuses for this behaviour. You’re only excusing your H and trying to justify what he did, when that isn’t even why he did it. He didn’t listen to no because he wanted to keep going. And that’s the only thing you’re teaching your GS is ok.

nc43214321 · 29/12/2024 12:59

Yeah there is a difference between at bully at school/office and a family member who doesn't listen. So fed up off family members tickling my little girl even though she is asking them to stop 🤦‍♀️ it's almost like they have no knowledge of how to interact with little ones. I remember being tickled when I was little and hated it!

MissDoubleU · 29/12/2024 13:05

nc43214321 · 29/12/2024 12:59

Yeah there is a difference between at bully at school/office and a family member who doesn't listen. So fed up off family members tickling my little girl even though she is asking them to stop 🤦‍♀️ it's almost like they have no knowledge of how to interact with little ones. I remember being tickled when I was little and hated it!

As above, I banned someone from my house when they continued to tickle after my son said no and he got very upset. Teach her to scream “no means no” in their face, she needs to know any touching she doesn’t want is unacceptable and you can’t enforce that however you wish. No hugs they don’t want, no nothing.

Original poster
SpryCat · 29/12/2024 13:15

My H wasn’t bullying my Gs, he just didn’t realise he was crossing any boundaries and wont play any more as he says the world has gone mad and soft

OP posts: