Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

God help them when they're older

No one rough plays with girls?

I'm at my parents and my dad and 5 year old have just been play fighting, with him chucking her around and her LOVING it!!!

My parents live too far away to be childcare but I can't imagine giving them any list or rules. They brought us up perfectly well, I trust them completely.

Because rather than use free childcare (inlaws) I use paid as we have an ‘excellent’ rated nursery down the road. I have to work as does my husband. Obviously I’m choosing the best option for our situation because my inlaws are not safe as childcare for our children for various reasons. Your situation is obviously different, for example having emotionally normal grandparents to do childcare or not needing childcare if you are a sahp.

So much empathy for OP on this thread but calling the daughters controlling. They have the same trauma. I can see exactly why they act the way they do.

One of OPs earliest posts say they used to go to their FIL a lot who told them to lie to OP (their mum). The daughters only know grandparents lying to mothers.

The daughters were physically abused by OPs ex and family. They are against rambunctious play. For many yes normal and encouraged but you can see why that is triggering for them. They're also worried their sons will get a taste for violence like their grandad.

The rules are trauma response to all they have known. OP simply saying they're a load of shit isn't going to help. She needs to understand the rules and work with the daughters. Look at why they behave like they do and understand them while working on herself.

But with op’s massive drip clear it’s obvious that her children’s childhood was a total shit show. I’d have trust issues handing my children over to op too. She sounds like she needs to do a lot of emotional growth before she looks after another set of children. This is how cycles of generational dysfunction occur.

When my toddler visits her paternal grandparents, she has too much screen time, too much sugar and too many processed meals for my liking, however, she is there maybe once or twice a fortnight, loves them dearly and her dad and I get a well needed break.
So I shut up and put up.
However, with my own mum I would probably be more comfortable to ask her to rein it in a bit.
I would never be demanding and if I was ever rude about it, I would fully expect my mum to tell me shove it.

Sugar in itself is not evil used in moderation. The issue today is the quantity of processed foods containing fat / sugar or both and the fact you can buy a bag full of them for under a fiver.

Also you have toddlers and little children sipping 'jooce' all day long nowadaays.

But the thing is, I think you lack accountability. The sob story here (for want of a better term) comes across like you want to be absolved of any judgement of your caregiving skills; but in fact, it means they should be paying more attention to you - not less! You can’t be saying they are better mothers than you, and simultaneously get pissy because they told you they were unhappy with your caregiving. That’s you being a hypocrite - just saying what you think they want to hear but not following through with your actions.

The absolute truth of the matter is if you left your ex sooner, you would not have exposed your children to a bad childhood to that extent. For whatever reason you weren’t strong or capable enough earlier on. That’s fine, but as a consequence you can surely understand why your children do not completely trust your judgement. To a certain extent you failed them, and whilst you have tried to make amends, you can’t replace their negative childhood memories. That will be with them forever.

The truth - as you admit - is that you were not always a good parent to them, so they are not going to automatically assume you are always a good grandparent. They don’t trust you. It may take decades before they do trust you unreservedly. They don’t want their children to grow up like they did. They’re going to be aware and conscious of any lapses in judgement by you. This is why they gave you a list!

I think it would be for the best if you didn’t look after the grandchildren, and if they got paid childcare. Then you can build a relationship on more relaxed terms essentially as the grandchildren won’t be left alone with you which takes away the source of drama.

They were neglected and have disordered eating. I keep them away from routinely eating sweet things as they fixate on them

All of you sound petty and hard work.

The mother wasn't there so wasn't dealing with anything. The sister told the mother latter who then had a go at the op...gran.

There is a lot of speculation in your post, I kind of hope you're right because otherwise you have just shat on someone who is feeling vulnerable and sharing their thoughts and feelings maybe for the first time.

'One time he found one M&M on the sofa (Id eaten some the night before, he came running in to ask what is was and ate it. I got accused of giving him a whole packet.'
Crazy. They are being ridiculous!!!!

@marmia1234 ‘squash’ is a term seemingly to me (maybe regional?) to be only used on MN. It means I believe things like Ribena, Robinsons orange etc which need to be diluted with water to drink. Unless you are a truly wicked GM and you give it to the child to drink neat.

Holy Lord, you can't win whatever you do or don't do

I know you love them, but they are ungrateful swines. Don't look after their dc anymore. MN is shocking at criticising parents (they did not tell they loved me, they did not say they were proud of me - like was there anything actually to be proud of?) and MN is shocking at not acknowledging the sacrifices parents make when bringing their children up and on top of that they expect GPs to look after their children as paid servants, i.e. following lists.
Stop this self-inflicted abuse now, stand firm and let them find obliging servants.

Jesus...! Seems you can't do right for wrong
No doubt that's Dad's have had a hand in all this

so they need your free childcare? If you invite them over to have a chat about what you all realistically want/are prepared to provide, maybe you can find a way forward that suits you all?

A friend of mine was asked to looked after her DGS 2 days a week when her DIL went back to work . Friend wasn’t overly keen as she felt it was too much but agreed .
Her DIL gave her 2x A4 size sheets ( laminated ) of rules / timetable / diet . Friend was a bit taken aback as she occasionally looks after her DD’s child and knows that things are different now .
A few days later her DS arrived to set up cameras in the living room and bedroom !
Friend refused to look after the child .

‘Yes, it was done in the past, now we know better’
and yet it’s the kids these days who are mostly fat bloaters. Go figure.

I am all for good nutrition. But (aside from the issue of the DGS being given a McD’s breakfast at home) I also worry about parents who are overly emotive about an occasional food indulgence. Particularly on this thread, bearing in mind that OP compliedvwith her DD’s dietary instructions.

Anyone who thinks squash and chocolate call for fury is making a rod for their own back, and it sounds like their DC will have to go to sone lengths to assert themselves as adolescents. Or just get depressed instead.

Don’t be ridiculous 🙄
It’s not Ketamine FFS
The world’s gone mad 🤯

Think a key point being missed in many of these responses is that the OP regularly has her GCs. This isn't an occasional visit, it's weekly.

Totally agree there's a place for grandparents spoiling little ones, but if it's routine that's very different. Weekly squash and chocolate is quite different to once in a blue moon on special visits...

It's obviously entitled to see time with your grandchildren as anything other than a piviledge. Only my husband and I have rights over our children, everyone else who wants (because of course most grandparents beg for more time with little ones in the family). Shocking to me that people can call someone "entitled" for refusing other people's demands that they get to do whatever they want with their kids - the level of cognitive dissonance to percieve refusing demands for a person's desired grandparenting experience as "entitled" when it's very clearly refusing entitlement from someone else is amazing.

Oh whatever will happen with weekly squash and chocolate, they will surely perish