Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

Rest assured that they'll eventually taste it - probably at school, courtesy of one of their pals.

I'm now retired from teaching. Our LA banned vending machines and tuck shops from schools.

We discovered that one enterprising young man was stocking up his back pack with Mars Bars, etc and selling them on in the playground. He was stopped from selling them on school premises, but simply told his client group that he'd meet them off premises.

@SpryCat - sorry you had such a tough childhood and such an awful experience in an abusive marriage. As a PP said - your latest post explains a great deal about what is going on. Your DDs were taught that you are dangerously incompetent and that is driving their thinking. Maybe some shared therapy would be helpful. Overall, though, it seems a good thing that they’re keen for you to have time with their children and for that arrangement to be preserved.

One of the things I learnt as I was becoming a new parent is that much of the current parenting advice (whenever that parenting happens to be taking place; my DCs are now reaching adulthood) is treated as the last word and best advice but give it a few years and the advice changes again. (For example, my DCs are roughly 2 years apart and the advice on weaning changed between children). There is also a tendency for experts to take a one size fits all approach and it really doesn’t.

Ha of course they'll have it at some point. I had my first taste of alcohol at 13. Never went bad. Know a lad who wasn't allowed it until 18. Went to a party. Guess what. Went bad. Ended up in hospital from splitting his head open.

Mad*

Schools do stop it, as I've explained in a previous post. It just makes it seem like forbidden fruit.

You need to continue to carry this on. Apologising doesn’t fix it, but they clearly want to work WITH you. They’re trying too, but you have to accept trust is earned and if you’re going to blow up like this that’s going to stand out more. If they know they can’t criticise one thing without you saying “fine I’m never doing anything for anyone again” they will draw back.

Theres no communicating with anyone who reacts like you did and with aggression like that. Particularly for women who carry childhood trauma from abuse such as they have.

OP - you don’t need to keep telling them they are better mothers than you.

Forgive yourself.

The eldest decided to "report back" ro the youngest. Why? Why get involved at all? That is just as bad if not worse. Why stir things up? She clearly knew it would cause issues.

This has just made me laugh! Dane was going on at my dds secondary - he was making a fortune 😂

But that's you lashing out. I'm being called out so I'm shit because of x,y,z, it's better if I'm not here. It's woe is me. It's aren't I pitiful. I bet your mum probably used the same phrase on you - that would be better if she wasn't there if she was so shit.

How does that help anyone? You're lashing out to avoid dealing with the trauma. Can you not see how manipulative it is to say that so everyone rushes in to make you feel better because they don't want anything to happen to you, just the same as you'd do to your mum when she said it to you?

You were never meant to save your mum. Did you make mistakes raising your daughters? Yes. You know this. You made those mistakes because you didn't deal with your trauma.

And now your daughters are worried about how your and their trauma will affect your grandkids. Who you also love beyond measure. So get better for them. Suck it up and do the work and become an amazing nanny you can be. Be better.

You didn’t die though?

Probably the next Richard Branson!

@SpryCat this is dissociation. Because you were traumatised your brain locks it away in a box and when you feel attacked you go in to fight or flight.

Go back and find a better councillor one that deals with childhood abuse - BUT you must forgive yourself x

Your DDs are being unreasonable and you are a brilliant grandma because you've even adjusted to meet the minor things she's asked of you.
They are definitely nitpicking based on the examples you've given and they are being unfair on you.
You could say your DDs are being controlling and unrealistic when scanning the child's facial expression for lying about liking sweets. That's ridiculous!!!!

Keeping your emotions in a box is your coping strategy but it doesn't work long term because if you don't express those feelings they will never get processed and they will be there forever.
When your repressed feelings come to the surface is actually a really good time to deal with them because they are accessible, you might find at other times you don't feel much and it's hard to talk about it.
You probably feel overwhelmed by the the strong feelings but remember you don't have to tackle everything at once. Counselling when your feelings are heightened would be ideal but I know that's difficult for many reasons so there are other ways to process your feelings. Putting on a timer for 20 minutes and writing whatever comes in your head can be very effective. Keep what you have written and look for themes and progress over time. You might find some other ideas online.

You have done really well considering your past but it's understandable that you feel like you are the common denominator because that's what your ex made you believe. Hopefully things will calm down soon and it won't feel so bad

I was brought up at a tme when daily homemade puddings were expected and cakes (also homemade usually) were available for 'tea time'. Not one member of my immediate family is or has ever been over weight. We also all cleaned our teeth twice a day - in spite of this my mother had quite a few issues with her teeth, my dad and us kids did not. (Genetics play a part)

Sugar in itself is not evil used in moderation. The issue today is the quantity of processed foods containing fat / sugar or both and the fact you can buy a bag full of them for under a fiver.

My eldest dd was a sensible weight until she started passing through the local town centre as a teen on her way to school and also having a school canteen where doughnuts etc could be bought for breakfast. (10 years ago or so). We didn't give her lots of money but she went through a phase of stealing either from us or the shops. I remember when a friend of hers came for a sleepover with carrier bags stuffed with snacks - crisps and chocolates. She isn't as bad now, understands about healthy eating and not obsese by any means, but still carries too much weight.

Off topic I know!

OP it sounds like you have had some awful experiences and your dds don't fully trust you, which is not your fault. I suggest either having a sit down meeting with them or writing to them to explain that you do want to care for your grandsons, but you can't carry on with all this nitpicking and criticism. You will agree to some basic rules (sounds like you do anyway) but you will not accept any more complaints. And stick to it.

Yes it’s incredibly controlling

After reading the update about op's mum it would seem the list of rules are the least of her problems.

My next door neighbour is facing this now. Kids are 11 and 13. It's an absolute shitshow. She's extremely controlling in all aspects of life. The oldest goes to stay with relatives at weekends (she only allowed it because he started wrecking the house in anger), the youngest is still very compliant and he's the favourite, the dad drinks all weekend and she pretends everything is rosy. She's desperate to put on a show of how 'right' she got it.

I do wonder how the children of this new wave of extremely controlling, po-faced parenting will turn out. It's too early to tell.
I also wonder how these parents will cope when their children get older and they can no longer micromanage every aspect of their lives and everyone in it

@Katypp probably the wave of ‘ADHD’, trigger warnings & food intolerances we are already seeing

No, I personally didn't, but that's not the standard I set for my children. Personally, my own parents' parenting was so poor that they will never be allowed unsupervised access to my children at any age, but for my in-laws, who are lovely, competent people who are always desperate to have their grandchildren over or take them out places, I care about more than that they are returned to me breathing. I care if they've had exposure to brainrot content, or sugar, or that they've had a day of indulging in behaviour that I don't allow. I'm very happy to look after my own children, but grandparents generally get joy and fulfillment out of contact with their grandchildren, and I'm happy to facilitate, but "my children, my rules" applies no matter whose house they're in, with the obvious exception of requiring nothing but barebones safety if I needed to leave them with an auntie or uncle with no childcare experience in an emergency.

My sons couldn’t give a fig about an argument between some random mums on mumsnet.. that in itself is laughable!

It sounds like you and your daughters have been through a lot. Some good communication and understanding between you all would go along way.

you need to understand they’re controlling because of their childhood AND even without that parents of now are put under huge pressure to comply with all the current rules and guidelines. They just want what’s best for their dc.

you understandably have an issue with the level to which your dds are trying to control how you watch your dgc.

Aim to have a good talk once things have calmed and finding a middle ground

Mine aren't allowed chocolate or squash either and I'd be furious if they were given it.

If it had been anyone else telling you would you have been so annoyed?