Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

No, I am talking about kids. Adults can do what they want.

Schools need to stop too.

Just a note, boisterous play/ rough housing is very important play for kids. It helps them release stresses and built up tension/emotions.
Especially boys. They learn from that kind of play how to regulate, throw a play punch rather than a full force one, learn body control and regulation.

Interesting guy Steve Biddulph has a book Raising Boys.

Ha! You gonna tell the parents that send their kids to school with little bags of haribo or lollipops on birthdays to give out?

Society needs to change. It was acceptable to buy sweet cigarettes in the 1970s, but no-one would accept in nowadays.

Sugar is an addictive killer and is no longer a treat like in the 1970s. It is a daily (sometimes hourly) food staple.

she is getting the priviledge of time with her grandchildren

😂😂😂what a pile of entitled shit.

I’ve raising girls by Steve Biddulph - it’s excellent although in some circles it’s called misogynistic 🧐

Society needs to change. It was acceptable to buy sweet cigarettes in the 1970s, but no-one would accept in nowadays.

Sugar is an addictive killer and is no longer a treat like in the 1970s. It is a daily (sometimes hourly) food staple.

Jesus Christ - this generation 🙈

You could argue its all OPs mums fault for being an alcoholic and training OP to take abuse so she was vulnerable to her exH. You can blame whoever you want. It doesn't change what happened. OP isn't to blame for being abused, but she didn't seek help. Not for herself or her daughters.

An abuse victim, like an alcoholic, you may need to forgive yourself to recover, but that doesn't mean those you hurt in the meantime need to forgive you too.

Interesting parallel isn't it? But that's what it is. Cycle of abuse. Abused people take more abuse, their kids are more likely to suffer abuse. Bullying victims become bullies.

Whether her fault or not OP needs to acknowledge her part in the abuse her kids suffered in order to meaningfully begin to mend things with her kids and gain trust.

There is sugar in everything. Ridiculous amounts in pure orange & apple juice - have you banned that too?

Maybe I have higher standards for the way my children are brought up than that they don’t die?

100% this.

My Dad looked after my son for around 1.5hours mid morning while we got bits for a party. The amount of food my 2 year old was given in that time was insane, and it wasn't even over a mealtime - crisps, rice pudding, biscuits, cake.

As a one off I let it go, but if he was doing regular childcare weekly I would have to say something for it to stop

I have had counselling in the past, I find it hard to connect to feel any emotions relating to my past @ThisWillBeOurYear I only feel it when something like this happens. I feel so much emotion that I push it back into a box, I get the thought that the common denominator in all this is me, I couldn’t save my mum from herself, I’m a shit mum, I couldn’t stand up to their dad, even was convinced it was all in my mind and now being a shit nanny. I just feel if I wasn’t around everybody would be so much happier.

So you're giving him sweet stuff against her wishes. That's pretty bad in my opinion. Nowadays people know that sugar is addictive and you should respect your daughter's desire to limit his intake of this sort of crap. I suspect most of her rules are actually quite sensible so why don't you just follow them? Or are you too arrogant to do that.

Blimey op, don’t say that. You are clearly a lovely nanny, but you cannot be a doormat for your girls any more. I’m glad you stood up for yourself.

Exactly. It’s not about who’s fault it is, it’s about it being perfectly reasonable (given their trauma) for the DDs to distrust OP and have extra measures in place to safeguard their children. Of course they will want to know their rules and boundaries are respected and perhaps be distrustful of men they don’t know intimately being around their DC. All normal, for them.

OP needs to look much more kindly on her DD and understand they have been victims, not just herself, and work WITH them to prove herself a safe space. By going “nuclear” she is proving she is not a safe space for them, and therefore their DC.

May have missed that bit in the OP, oops 😅

No OP needs to listen if they bring it up. And it sounds like they did talk about it.

BUT it’s absolutely not her fault or her guilt to carry.

Just stop it. It’s misogynistic and victim blaming when mothers are blamed because of abuse or inflected by men

Please remember that the OP is a real person with feelings and read the whole thread

I’ve owned up to my mistakes, apologised to my adult children and explained how wrong I was. That I got a lot of things completely wrong, that they deserved better than the childhood they had. I tell them they are mum better mother’s than I am and they know I love them, damaged as I am.

Actually you're being misogynistic as I was actually blaming the original abuse by her mum... you know ... female

It doesn't matter how you raised your daughters, they might want to do things differently. There is also another person involved, their partner and their child's dad, who also gets a say. It will be different. Free babysitting or not, you still have to respect what the parents say. Yes, even if they're grandchildren because you aren't raising them, the parents are.

Some things can be OTT and others are actually reasonable. Usually the older generation aren't used to being told what they can and can't do so they get their back up. Of course it depends on what else was said and the standards she wants you to respect when looking after her child whether you or she is BU.

I completely agree with you, I always play fought with my brothers and my daughter loves play fighting with us (yes and with me the mum) more than my son does.. very odd to not allow play fighting..
I also believe if you restrict children too much on simple pleasures they then become obsessed with having them. A friend of mine would never let her children have sweets.. and now it’s all they ask for.. whereas children who have had treats from time to time aren’t so bothered!

Honestly yeah- you’re right. I remember posting here and it was a mix of people calling me precious but also a lot of people agreeing which was reassuring! My dad is a stubborn one and he was doing it just to make a point. I was fresh from a c-section muddling through the first weeks of parenthood and needed control over just one thing, and even friends and elderly relatives (who I told not to worry due to mobility issues!) managed to take off their shoes. It’s hard, having to set boundaries.

You just want your child to have a good upbringing, and in a way while a disagreement about shoes on a new rug was kind of a weird fight to pick, it made my parents realise that I am my own person and not an extension of them, and that if I want my house to be a certain way that’s how it will be. I was raised to be kind of a pushover so standing up for myself was exciting!

I pay for childcare because I want the best for my child. I also want to pick up my child knowing they will be easy to do the dinner/bed routine during my work week because they have eaten sensible food, not had screen time and had naps at the correct time. This also means a calm and secure kid too

I managed to do the best for my children without paying for childcare. What the hell has childcare got to do with it?