Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

You do not have to go NC, but you can stop doing them favours of which they are completely ungrateful.
“I’ll look after him, but not with the list thank you” and “if he comes here he is safe and well but I’ll do it my way in my house” , simple. They don’t like it , they look for a nursery and pay the fees.

@MathsWizard exactly. My dc aren't banned from having squash and chocolate, it's just some GPs give them no boundaries whatsoever. Wall to wall treats, no nap if there's resistance, the list goes on. It's only to be the favourite and for their own convenience, nothing to do with what's best for the child. A bit of performative grandparenting for their WhatsApp groups aswell in alot of cases I'd wager.

Why would you want to give someone a chocolate biscuit?

Yes but her DDs were children and the people who should have protected them did not. It’s ok to understand OP’s position but these children grew up knowing OP could not be trusted and did not keep them safe. OP now should be doing everything to show she will protect their children, as that is clearly a trust issue for them and completely understandable for both of the traumatised DD.

OP’s aggressive response and inability to communicate or listen/accept criticism is something she needs to work on solo. Seeing this kind of vitriol and aggression OP is snapping straight to, after coming from childhood abuse, is only going to send these DD running. As it should.

Do you know better though?
We may know more about things but I'm not sure banning anything that will be easily available throughout the child's life when they are out of your control is necessarily the best way to manage things

How would they go mad for it if they have never tasted it?

Lol. My sons and I are in the car with me

they’re laughing that you don’t believe us. That’s up to you. Ones a semi pro rugby player. He never fights his brothers

Your post sounds rather touching but I don’t think the daughter sounds all that much likecyou. Did you miss the post where OP described going round to DD’s house one morning to find DGS earing a McDonald’s breakfast at home?

The word hypocrite springs to mind.

Don’t know about Catshit but this is defo Batshit. You’re in the car reading out MN posts to your sons and they are laughing at posters replies.

Thats fucking weird

Yes, it will probably be available later. Why do you need to be the one who actually makes it available much earlier than is necessary?

You aren't sure it is the best way, ok, no problem. No-one is sure about anything. But why would you sabotage parents trying to manage this the best way they can?

What a hilarious day out you're having.

What they are never going to eat treats even at school? Not even as an adult? How are you going to control that?

I have empathy for her, but I also have empathy for the kids.

The ones that saw their mum take the abuse, ignore the abuse they suffered, left them suffering it. Minimising it.

The ones trying to build a relationship with a woman that they know they can't fully trust because of how badly she hurt them in the past.

Have you thought that they don't want the rambunctious play because of the trauma they have regarding the physical abuse and violence they suffered?

The fact they could be so concerned about their kids (normal) behaviour they dont know normal and because they're so scared they don't know how to parent them in such a way to stop them turning out like their dad? That they don't want to continue repeating the cycle?

Those rules seem to the outsider as a random ridiculous helicopter parenting. They're actually the way their distrust for their mum is presenting itself and understanding that is much more helpful to OP than saying they're a load of nonsense.

Because once they taste it they will go mad for it.

@poetryandwine do you really believe that that happened though? I doubt very much that it did

Having seen the OPs update I would also be quite concerned about her inability to put her foot down with her partner about how he's interacting with the GCs too.

I think your reaction is unreasonable with the blocking. But I understand that your youngest is being ott. But your eldest hadn’t done anything wrong? I think as a family there needs to be better communication.

Just like you control kids not having alcohol.

The ones that saw their mum take the abuse, ignore the abuse they suffered, left them suffering it. Minimising

This is victim blaming. And really unpleasant.

There is a point where the OP has to forgive herself for being abused as it wasn’t her fault. It also wasn’t her fault the girls didn’t tell her what was going on.

It’s ALL the exhusbands fault.

The girls may need therapy. But it’s not ok fur them to continually punish OP for something that wasn’t her fault

Just so you know.

So you make sure that they don't have it, just like they don't have alcohol.

They don't trust her because they were brainwashed by their dad. She left and shortly after asked her DD if they wanted to live with her, they said no because their dad had turned them against her. She probably didn't realise how damaging it was for her DD because that was her normal.
OP only sounds unreasonable in the way that she deals with conflict, she is not assertive enough to put in boundaries and then goes nuclear, yes this is not ideal but understandable considering her past. Her DD's gang up on her and it seems she can't do anything right.

It seems quite possible to me that it happened. Obviously we can never know.

However I have known several mums who expect others to have higher standards for their DC than they can manage themselves. Particularly for PFB.

@Teenddstresses "A week postpartum I threatened to cut my parents off from coming to see their grandson because my dad wouldn’t listen when I asked him to take his shoes off in our lounge (I was very paranoid about germs with a newborn). I kept asking nicely and even with my mom pleading with him to just ✨take off his darn shoes✨ he wouldn’t. We discussed it and resolved it. I was being really OTT and have since apologised. It sounds like your daughter just wants to do the best she can for her LO (chocolate and squash aren’t great for little ones and I know some are more strict on it than other people are)."

Maybe a little OTT but your dad was also being stubborn just for the sake of it. I'd ask everyone to take their shoes off in my house, to save tracking dirt through. Even without a little one. But especially with a little one that's spending more time on the floor than adults.

The one daughter had a go at you for the thugs/bad behaviour so you refused to babysit - ok. But why did you text the other daughter and refuse to babysit for her anymore?

Whar even as adults? What about school treats?

That works when they are small and under your control.
If you seriously think they will never eat sweets or drink sugary drinks because they never did when they were pre/primary school, you are seriously deluded.