Page 14 | Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

SpryCat · 2024-12-27T23:17:45+00:00

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect. I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro. No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

BabyFever246 · 28/12/2024 11:20

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 11:02

I never had my mum take any interest in my DD’s, she was an alcoholic so my upbringing was a shambles and I wouldn’t have trusted her anyway. My Fil (he brought up his own kids) loved having Gc but would hide the fact he regularly left them in his home to pop to shop and told them never to tell me as I would be angry and stop them coming over. The in laws enveloped the children and crossed so many boundaries with their father’s blessing. I was mocked and told they had more right to them and their upbringing was a battle. I suffered with depression unsurprisingly and my daughters were told I was mad and not to be trusted. In the relationship with their dad it was all about his control, his family’s control and I felt voiceless, I felt unable to stand up to them, was told I was wrong all the time for having my own thoughts and feelings, it went on for years until I became angry. I blew the lid of the years I had be controlled and coerced into pleasing them and wasn’t a nice person to be around. I walked out one day after DD’s dad tried to tell me I had no right to be up town with my friends in the day whilst he was home with the children as I had to be at home with them all, I slept on my friends sofa for three or four nights and went to council and luckily got emergency housing. I told the children they could live with me if they so wanted and stay anytime. Their father told them I had deserted them for another man (untrue) that I was a lesbian and was in a sexual relationship with my friend (also untrue) as Ex couldn’t accept I had had enough of him and his family stripping me of any rights in my life.
The children were so angry at me, ex got in a relationship within a matter of weeks and stayed over his new gf’s home, DD’s were told not to betray him by telling me the truth. He didn’t provide food and was either at work or at Gf’s, I wasn’t allowed round to see them nor did I know what was going on. The DD’s were 11 and 15 at the time, he starved the dogs and changed the locks so I couldn’t walk them, they were caged up in their own pee and poo. I managed to get one daughter to leave key under mat and got the dogs out and rehomed them. That Christmas I was told I couldn’t see DD’s Christmas Day but he suddenly allowed me there to watch them open there presents and then told to leave after, he took them round his mates for Xmas dinner, left the children there after dinner and him and his girlfriend locked them out of the house so they could shag. A few days later his gf asked the eldest if she minded her dad having a gf, Dd answered truthfully it would be easier for them if he didn’t have a gf. She (gf) suddenly started wailing saying dd had insulted her and ex came flying into room, manhandled Dd to the floor shouting in her face with spittle flying not to insult new women. I got a call from eldest Dd saying she wanted to live with me but only if there were no rules, I told her of course she can but there would be some rules, she declined and never told me what had happened. My youngest dd after hiding under her bed after an argument was dragged out and I believe (recollection sketchy as I can’t remember exactly) screamed out, came to live with me. Once I had left their dad I wasn’t angry anymore just relieved and youngest dd was understandable so angry at the world. Eldest came to live with me a few months later and they told me how bad things were!
I honestly hand on heart believed I was the bad parent and never for one minute believed he would treat them so appallingly, I regret with every fibre of my being not being there for them!
Their dad put it in their head I wasn’t to be trusted since they were small (we were together)him and his family made out I was bad, mad and it did many years later become so they trusted me, but it crops up obviously like now with the Gc. Their father married and works away so doesn’t see they often, and likes to drink with his wife at weekends, new wife preferred youngest Dd and had successfully drove a wedge between my girls for a few years but since they’ve had children they are close again. They grew up competing against each other for their dad’s approval, who could please him the most got his attention. It’s a shit show I know!

Sorry to be blunt but your daughters had shit abusive childhoods because you didn't protect them or yourself. Your kids know you didn't protect them, so they don't trust you. They don't trust your judgement. If you didn't protect them why would you protect their kids? If you had such bad judge of character to have been with your ex and his family and left kids with them, who else could you let be around the kids when they're with you?

Sorry OP. I don't agree with the many rules. But I wouldn't be leaving my kids unsupervised with you at all if I was them, I wouldn't trust you.

Guinessandafire · 28/12/2024 11:21

Having witnessed a very similar situation this Christmas as an astonished observer, I think the GP is correct to back away from providing free childcare if they are not trusted.

All this ridiculous, pious, ' no screen time, no treats ' rubbish will cause rebellion and resentment when the child finds their voice and sees what other children can have.

yipyipyop · 28/12/2024 11:22

Katypp · 28/12/2024 11:16

I think there is a big huge gaping generational chasm here and the way your generation did things is frankly a bit backwards for this generation. We've all been told sugar is the enemy and cause of the obesity crisis, whereas in the 80s people used to happily load their kids with sugary crap. In the 80s people often didn't even bother with car seats, but there were way less cars on the road and without social media crashes weren't reported as frequently.

Patronising.

I think the problem for me anyway is that this generation of parents seem to think they are the definitive one where the line is drawn and there will be no changes again. The perfect parents, no less.

Can I be the first to say I think BLW will be massively discredited in future? I do smile when I read posters saying their baby won't choke, just gag, and think how different things would be if a grandparent was pushing this. I think that will be an argument for the future.

I find the baby led weaning thing quite funny. I tend to do a bit of both. I'm 40 and I think I was weaned from 4 months on purée type foods as was guidance. I'm certainly not damaged from it.

zeibesaffron · 28/12/2024 11:22

I am not in the kids should not have chocolate and squash brigade. I think it’s about ensuring children have a healthy, balanced approach to eating. My limited experience of those children that ‘can’t have’ something is that they eat all the rubbish when their parents aren’t there - especially when they get older?

My 2 have just lost their last grandparent- my oldest is 20. We didn’t ever have rules when they went to either side of GP’s - we gave them the updates on things like sleeping and car seats, but no rules my DM had bought up 2 of us and my MiL 5 kids.

If you talk to my kids now they remember the silly games, the park, my dad buying my son 2 hamsters (without me knowing- I didn’t mind) - playing swingball, having a hot chocolate and watching films, playing snap and grandad teaching them to cheat! Nerf gun fights, painting/ drawing. Eating chocolate fingers and bourbon biscuits. None of these things have harmed my kids who are both fit and well - but they have these memories of times which they loved and they felt loved.

I think you sound like you are doing a great job OP and that you love your GC very much. I was very grateful for the support our parents gave us, and I think your DDs should be too, or they can pay for childcare- where all of their ‘rules’ may not be followed either.

I think GP time is very special.

TammyJones · 28/12/2024 11:23

Missedvocation · 28/12/2024 08:41

I feel like I’ve slipped through into another dimension with all of the people agreeing with you OP. You sound batshit, emotionally immature and out of touch.

of course the parents of a child are allowed to place boundaries. I would be disgusted in a parent that didn’t. As to the comments ‘you raised them, don’t know why they are getting pissy’ - my parents raised me. Which is EXACTLY why I have boundaries in place - I’m not letting my children turn out like me!

The job of a parent is making their upbringing better than your own. The OP is so deluded she thinks she’s perfect.

This is excellent.
Spot on.
I also said I would do everything opposite my Dad did.
Still love him of course.

Katypp · 28/12/2024 11:23

Honestly, this obsession banning 'sugary treats' is the road to madness.
Those of us with older children all know a child who was banned from unhealthy food as a toddler who ate it as soon as they could.
You cannot micromanage your child for ever.

StormingNorman · 28/12/2024 11:24

I’ve only read your posts @SpryCat and you don’t need to justify yourself to the criticisers here. You are doing your daughters a huge favour and the least they can do is let you enjoy the time you spend with your grandchildren.

It sounds like they have you walking on eggshells and they would drive anyone to snapping.

yipyipyop · 28/12/2024 11:24

Katypp · 28/12/2024 11:23

Honestly, this obsession banning 'sugary treats' is the road to madness.
Those of us with older children all know a child who was banned from unhealthy food as a toddler who ate it as soon as they could.
You cannot micromanage your child for ever.

I think the banning hasn't really worked either with many kids so fat these days. They must get it somehow.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2024 11:25

MauveVelcro · 28/12/2024 00:47

They can parent how they want to. That doesn't give them the right to tell the OP how to grandparent

Ha! I parent how I want. And I expect grandparents to follow our wishes on a number of things that are important to us. So yes, as parent, I absolutely do have the right to 'tell them how to grandparent'. And if they don't like it, they can lump it and not have any unsupervised access to my dc.

Fortunately our family have never had 'withdrawal of free childcare' to be able to threaten us with though.

I didn't need telling about car safety
I didn't need telling about naps but if there was a preference then I followed that
I asked about meal preferences and I was stricter over chocolate and snacks than the parents were

And if they didn't like how I cared for their children then they could do the alternative

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2024 11:26

Summerlilly · 28/12/2024 00:59

You are being very unreasonable here and are quite defensive. I’d really love to hear your DD’s side of the story.

I also think people are getting a little hung up on the word “rules” especially since they don’t know what the so called “list” is. And so far what has been said of the rules list is very reasonable.

I have some requests for my mother when she looks after my 1 yr old. They include the times of giving her bottles and food when I ask, nap times and now that she’s on 1 nap a day to not let her sleep past 2pm.
She’s also not allowed outside by herself as they have a large body of water out there.
My parents respect this and the way I raise my baby because we are a team. It sounds like you are not with your DD’s.

Has your DD asked you and your DH to not play fight with their children? It’s not necessary a unusual request

Did they really need telling about not letting her outside on her own?

Conkersinautumn · 28/12/2024 11:28

Your silly response is a fairly clear sign that you should let really be dealing with these children yourself. YANBU They need to get proper care

MissDoubleU · 28/12/2024 11:28

BabyFever246 · 28/12/2024 11:20

Sorry to be blunt but your daughters had shit abusive childhoods because you didn't protect them or yourself. Your kids know you didn't protect them, so they don't trust you. They don't trust your judgement. If you didn't protect them why would you protect their kids? If you had such bad judge of character to have been with your ex and his family and left kids with them, who else could you let be around the kids when they're with you?

Sorry OP. I don't agree with the many rules. But I wouldn't be leaving my kids unsupervised with you at all if I was them, I wouldn't trust you.

Show quote history

Agreed. I’m not surprised they’re suspicious and distrusting and have many rules and boundaries in place to protect their child. OP Every time you “forget” a rule or think it’s fine to break because it’s small, etc. you are reinforcing to your daughters that you still can’t be trusted to protect a child, the way they weren’t protected.

They clearly want to keep you in their lives and want to foster a positive relationship. This is also clearly difficult for them. By becoming so aggressive and cutting them both off at the slightest sniff of criticism (from only one of them!) you’re harming things tenfold.

You have shown you have a temper, don’t listen and put an entire brick wall between them when they are only trying to safeguard their own children from the kind of turmoil they experienced growing up.

You’ve played a very silly hand by blocking them. You’ll be back on here crying when they both block you right back, saying you’ve had your chance to show you can be safe but clearly your temper is out of control. There’s no communicating with you. Some of your posts read that your heart would only break at losing GC, not DD. Keep going like this you’ll only lose both. Play silly games, win silly prizes I’m afraid.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2024 11:30

MathsWizard · 28/12/2024 11:10

@TheMILinatorReturns My kids were born in the 80s and I can assure you that what you accuse the OP of doing was not the norm even in the 80s! Not amongst educated parents.

My DCs (adults) have been praised by dentists for their good teeth and told they must have not had much sugary stuff as kids- yes, correct.

Edited

Same here

MathsWizard · 28/12/2024 11:30

yipyipyop · 28/12/2024 11:24

I think the banning hasn't really worked either with many kids so fat these days. They must get it somehow.

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I disagree with this 100%.

There is a difference between a ban and an occasional treat.

I completely disagree with 'forbidden fruit' as far as sugar goes.

Sugar is addictive. If you don't believe this, watch the Youtube video with Chris Van Tulleken and you will be horrified- the lengths manufacturers go to in order to get kids hooked on sugary foods.

My DCs are heading towards 40 now. There was never a sugar ban in our house. we did have home made desserts etc but on balance they had fruit more than desserts. They didn't 'go mad' for sweet stuff once they were making their own choices.

The reason you say it hasn't worked @yipyipyop is because most parents are not feeding their kids healthy diets.

StormingNorman · 28/12/2024 11:32

Conkersinautumn · 28/12/2024 11:28

Your silly response is a fairly clear sign that you should let really be dealing with these children yourself. YANBU They need to get proper care

😂😂😂😂

ThisWillBeOurYear · 28/12/2024 11:32

BabyFever246 · 28/12/2024 11:20

Sorry to be blunt but your daughters had shit abusive childhoods because you didn't protect them or yourself. Your kids know you didn't protect them, so they don't trust you. They don't trust your judgement. If you didn't protect them why would you protect their kids? If you had such bad judge of character to have been with your ex and his family and left kids with them, who else could you let be around the kids when they're with you?

Sorry OP. I don't agree with the many rules. But I wouldn't be leaving my kids unsupervised with you at all if I was them, I wouldn't trust you.

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She was being abused and manipulated but of course it's her fault???
Not her ex's fault at all? It was nothing to do with him manipulating his DD's too??
She was doing her best

Sunshineandoranges · 28/12/2024 11:36

I don’t think your daughters appreciate what they have got. Many young children don’t have loving grandparents. The constant dos and don’ts parents give to gos can be ridiculous. I think you are completely right in this situation.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/12/2024 11:37

MathsWizard · 28/12/2024 11:05

Gs gets water now but not so long ago dd came round and asked me to give him diluted squash because he was dehydrated.

How does squash rehydrate better than water?
Sugar(in squash) doesn't rehydrate- that needs a special mix of salts and sugar in diarrhea drinks.

Honestly, you sound very petulant and a bit childish yourself.

If you're ignoring their 'rules' is it any wonder they are annoyed?

I assume that the child would be likely to enjoy drinking the diluted squash more than water so it was allowed as a one-off because he was dehydrated.

Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 11:38

Katypp · 28/12/2024 11:16

I think there is a big huge gaping generational chasm here and the way your generation did things is frankly a bit backwards for this generation. We've all been told sugar is the enemy and cause of the obesity crisis, whereas in the 80s people used to happily load their kids with sugary crap. In the 80s people often didn't even bother with car seats, but there were way less cars on the road and without social media crashes weren't reported as frequently.

Patronising.

I think the problem for me anyway is that this generation of parents seem to think they are the definitive one where the line is drawn and there will be no changes again. The perfect parents, no less.

Can I be the first to say I think BLW will be massively discredited in future? I do smile when I read posters saying their baby won't choke, just gag, and think how different things would be if a grandparent was pushing this. I think that will be an argument for the future.

I agree with this - it’s sad that society has changed so much and that a lot of people or families are so singular or one track minded. That they are not flexible enough to encourage strong family ties for their children unless it’s on their terms.

We have left the generation where women would seek help and advice of older experienced family women and now just look on line from so called experts. Then these women complain when the older family women won’t follow their ‘new rules’ and end up isolating themselves.

I had my first child in 1995 - we were still putting rusk in to bottles then and feeding from 3 months. All the bottles were made up in the morning and put in the fridge for the day.

My youngest was BLW - the newest trend then - away from it being a massive choking hazard my youngest is the pickiest eater out of all of them. I’ve already told my eldest DD not to do it when she has her first.

My kids were allowed chocolates and juice - in moderation and none of them are overweight.

eightIsNewNine · 28/12/2024 11:39

It's absurd how many GMs here can't imagine just not giving children "treats" and chocolates.

Yes, it was done in past, now we know better.

Of course the children will get introduced to such things, but later and in smaller quantities. Even if it doesn't work out completely, it is parents' right and duty to manage this the best they can.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2024 11:39

SpryCat · 28/12/2024 11:02

I never had my mum take any interest in my DD’s, she was an alcoholic so my upbringing was a shambles and I wouldn’t have trusted her anyway. My Fil (he brought up his own kids) loved having Gc but would hide the fact he regularly left them in his home to pop to shop and told them never to tell me as I would be angry and stop them coming over. The in laws enveloped the children and crossed so many boundaries with their father’s blessing. I was mocked and told they had more right to them and their upbringing was a battle. I suffered with depression unsurprisingly and my daughters were told I was mad and not to be trusted. In the relationship with their dad it was all about his control, his family’s control and I felt voiceless, I felt unable to stand up to them, was told I was wrong all the time for having my own thoughts and feelings, it went on for years until I became angry. I blew the lid of the years I had be controlled and coerced into pleasing them and wasn’t a nice person to be around. I walked out one day after DD’s dad tried to tell me I had no right to be up town with my friends in the day whilst he was home with the children as I had to be at home with them all, I slept on my friends sofa for three or four nights and went to council and luckily got emergency housing. I told the children they could live with me if they so wanted and stay anytime. Their father told them I had deserted them for another man (untrue) that I was a lesbian and was in a sexual relationship with my friend (also untrue) as Ex couldn’t accept I had had enough of him and his family stripping me of any rights in my life.
The children were so angry at me, ex got in a relationship within a matter of weeks and stayed over his new gf’s home, DD’s were told not to betray him by telling me the truth. He didn’t provide food and was either at work or at Gf’s, I wasn’t allowed round to see them nor did I know what was going on. The DD’s were 11 and 15 at the time, he starved the dogs and changed the locks so I couldn’t walk them, they were caged up in their own pee and poo. I managed to get one daughter to leave key under mat and got the dogs out and rehomed them. That Christmas I was told I couldn’t see DD’s Christmas Day but he suddenly allowed me there to watch them open there presents and then told to leave after, he took them round his mates for Xmas dinner, left the children there after dinner and him and his girlfriend locked them out of the house so they could shag. A few days later his gf asked the eldest if she minded her dad having a gf, Dd answered truthfully it would be easier for them if he didn’t have a gf. She (gf) suddenly started wailing saying dd had insulted her and ex came flying into room, manhandled Dd to the floor shouting in her face with spittle flying not to insult new women. I got a call from eldest Dd saying she wanted to live with me but only if there were no rules, I told her of course she can but there would be some rules, she declined and never told me what had happened. My youngest dd after hiding under her bed after an argument was dragged out and I believe (recollection sketchy as I can’t remember exactly) screamed out, came to live with me. Once I had left their dad I wasn’t angry anymore just relieved and youngest dd was understandable so angry at the world. Eldest came to live with me a few months later and they told me how bad things were!
I honestly hand on heart believed I was the bad parent and never for one minute believed he would treat them so appallingly, I regret with every fibre of my being not being there for them!
Their dad put it in their head I wasn’t to be trusted since they were small (we were together)him and his family made out I was bad, mad and it did many years later become so they trusted me, but it crops up obviously like now with the Gc. Their father married and works away so doesn’t see they often, and likes to drink with his wife at weekends, new wife preferred youngest Dd and had successfully drove a wedge between my girls for a few years but since they’ve had children they are close again. They grew up competing against each other for their dad’s approval, who could please him the most got his attention. It’s a shit show I know!

All that trauma and yet you chose to punish both of them and their toddlers because they dare to want some agency in how their own children are looked after.

They're very much trying to do what is right for their children and probably had a fair amount of misgivings about it with car seat safety, foods that could be choking hazards, treats rather than healthy meals and rough play when they're trying to have a non aggressive and non abusive life for their babies.

I suspect that what that looks like in future is not being placed in the care of somebody who uses them as a weapon or allows an unrelated male to pull them around.

BabyFever246 · 28/12/2024 11:40

ThisWillBeOurYear · 28/12/2024 11:32

She was being abused and manipulated but of course it's her fault???
Not her ex's fault at all? It was nothing to do with him manipulating his DD's too??
She was doing her best

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Fault has shit all to do with it. OP was abused by her mum. Learned to take that kind of treatment, that it's what she deserved. She then engaged in a relationship with her abusive ex and took the abuse as trained to do. Turned a blind eye to the abuse her kids suffered. Didn't get them out. Perpetuating the cycle.

Her best wasn't good enough to protect her kids. Pure and simple. Someone can have a disability that gives them weak arms. You don't hand them a newborn baby to hold because it's not their fault. You tell them they can't hold the baby because it's not safe no matter how much it upsets them. Whether or not the abuse was OPs fault is immaterial. But that it happened showed the daughters she will not protect them or their kids. That she's vulnerable to letting people walk all over her. And that distrust has come out in a load of rules.

Purplevelvetshoes · 28/12/2024 11:40

eightIsNewNine · 28/12/2024 11:39

It's absurd how many GMs here can't imagine just not giving children "treats" and chocolates.

Yes, it was done in past, now we know better.

Of course the children will get introduced to such things, but later and in smaller quantities. Even if it doesn't work out completely, it is parents' right and duty to manage this the best they can.

It’s absurd how uptight some parents are over a chocolate biscuit ffs

thepariscrimefiles · 28/12/2024 11:41

BabyFever246 · 28/12/2024 11:20

Sorry to be blunt but your daughters had shit abusive childhoods because you didn't protect them or yourself. Your kids know you didn't protect them, so they don't trust you. They don't trust your judgement. If you didn't protect them why would you protect their kids? If you had such bad judge of character to have been with your ex and his family and left kids with them, who else could you let be around the kids when they're with you?

Sorry OP. I don't agree with the many rules. But I wouldn't be leaving my kids unsupervised with you at all if I was them, I wouldn't trust you.

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That may be true, but OP had a really shit abusive childhood and an abusive DH, so a scrap of empathy for her wouldn't go amiss.

soupfiend · 28/12/2024 11:42

MathsWizard · 28/12/2024 11:07

But you're setting a bad example. Why is it so 'good' to give kids stuff that's bad for them?

Coke is the drink of the devil and no one should drink it.

Chocolate is fine as a treat.
Squash no- rots teeth and the sugar free versions are worse for other reasons.

Edited

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Squash doesnt rot the teeth as long as teeth are cleaned, there arent any squashes with sugar in anyway (that most people buy, I buy the sugar versions)

I agree that sugar free/artificial sweetners is work of the devil