Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

I knew someone like this, she ended up morbidly obese as an adult. My daughter on the other hand has never been told no and is skinny as she has decided to not eat crap anymore

I’m so sorry you had shit parents. Not all of us did

I never had my mum take any interest in my DD’s, she was an alcoholic so my upbringing was a shambles and I wouldn’t have trusted her anyway. My Fil (he brought up his own kids) loved having Gc but would hide the fact he regularly left them in his home to pop to shop and told them never to tell me as I would be angry and stop them coming over. The in laws enveloped the children and crossed so many boundaries with their father’s blessing. I was mocked and told they had more right to them and their upbringing was a battle. I suffered with depression unsurprisingly and my daughters were told I was mad and not to be trusted. In the relationship with their dad it was all about his control, his family’s control and I felt voiceless, I felt unable to stand up to them, was told I was wrong all the time for having my own thoughts and feelings, it went on for years until I became angry. I blew the lid of the years I had be controlled and coerced into pleasing them and wasn’t a nice person to be around. I walked out one day after DD’s dad tried to tell me I had no right to be up town with my friends in the day whilst he was home with the children as I had to be at home with them all, I slept on my friends sofa for three or four nights and went to council and luckily got emergency housing. I told the children they could live with me if they so wanted and stay anytime. Their father told them I had deserted them for another man (untrue) that I was a lesbian and was in a sexual relationship with my friend (also untrue) as Ex couldn’t accept I had had enough of him and his family stripping me of any rights in my life.
The children were so angry at me, ex got in a relationship within a matter of weeks and stayed over his new gf’s home, DD’s were told not to betray him by telling me the truth. He didn’t provide food and was either at work or at Gf’s, I wasn’t allowed round to see them nor did I know what was going on. The DD’s were 11 and 15 at the time, he starved the dogs and changed the locks so I couldn’t walk them, they were caged up in their own pee and poo. I managed to get one daughter to leave key under mat and got the dogs out and rehomed them. That Christmas I was told I couldn’t see DD’s Christmas Day but he suddenly allowed me there to watch them open there presents and then told to leave after, he took them round his mates for Xmas dinner, left the children there after dinner and him and his girlfriend locked them out of the house so they could shag. A few days later his gf asked the eldest if she minded her dad having a gf, Dd answered truthfully it would be easier for them if he didn’t have a gf. She (gf) suddenly started wailing saying dd had insulted her and ex came flying into room, manhandled Dd to the floor shouting in her face with spittle flying not to insult new women. I got a call from eldest Dd saying she wanted to live with me but only if there were no rules, I told her of course she can but there would be some rules, she declined and never told me what had happened. My youngest dd after hiding under her bed after an argument was dragged out and I believe (recollection sketchy as I can’t remember exactly) screamed out, came to live with me. Once I had left their dad I wasn’t angry anymore just relieved and youngest dd was understandable so angry at the world. Eldest came to live with me a few months later and they told me how bad things were!
I honestly hand on heart believed I was the bad parent and never for one minute believed he would treat them so appallingly, I regret with every fibre of my being not being there for them!
Their dad put it in their head I wasn’t to be trusted since they were small (we were together)him and his family made out I was bad, mad and it did many years later become so they trusted me, but it crops up obviously like now with the Gc. Their father married and works away so doesn’t see they often, and likes to drink with his wife at weekends, new wife preferred youngest Dd and had successfully drove a wedge between my girls for a few years but since they’ve had children they are close again. They grew up competing against each other for their dad’s approval, who could please him the most got his attention. It’s a shit show I know!

I don't imagine an occasional drink of diluted squash or bit of chocolate will cause diabetes really.
Are you unable to react proportionately or do you catastrophise about everything?.
Banning things is more likely to create an obsession with trying them when they can.
I have seen this a couple if times when my children were small. The children who were not allowed cakes, crisps etc at parties were the ones eating under the table and 'helping' clear up.

🤦🏻‍♀️ oh good grief. A grandparent teasingly calling a child a thug in a jokey manner during rough play is not mocking him ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

FFS, a little now and then is not going to ruin their health. We don’t do regular childcare any more, but do have all 3 to stay now and then, and yes, they do have the odd treat, be it chocolate, sweets, squash, even an occasional can of Coke. All 3 are perfectly healthy, very slim and extremely active.

You’re pretty rude- I assume that’s due to your upbringing too?

Ok, so all the women on MN who are on weight loss drugs were not given sweet as kids??? I really don't think so.

I wasn't allowed sweets as a child (mainly because we couldn't afford it in the 1970s) and I am just under 8 stone and a size 8 to 10.

Gs gets water now but not so long ago dd came round and asked me to give him diluted squash because he was dehydrated.

How does squash rehydrate better than water?
Sugar(in squash) doesn't rehydrate- that needs a special mix of salts and sugar in diarrhea drinks.

Honestly, you sound very petulant and a bit childish yourself.

If you're ignoring their 'rules' is it any wonder they are annoyed?

I do wonder how the children of this new wave of extremely controlling, po-faced parenting will turn out. It's too early to tell.
I also wonder how these parents will cope when their children get older and they can no longer micromanage every aspect of their lives and everyone in it.

But that isn't the issue. When kids are given sugar, they get the taste for it and prefer it to everything else. Also sugar is addictive.

They will have a taste of their own medicine when they become grandparents with 1000 rules

But you're setting a bad example. Why is it so 'good' to give kids stuff that's bad for them?

Coke is the drink of the devil and no one should drink it.

Chocolate is fine as a treat.
Squash no- rots teeth and the sugar free versions are worse for other reasons.

So you don't like your daughter's rules because she:

1. banned squash as water healthier
2. wants to reduce addictive sugary junk snacks like chocolate
3. wants to make sure her son doesn't wear a big coat in his car safe as it's unsafe
4. banned boiled sweets due to choking risk.

But you think daughter is unreasonable?

Have a long hard look at the things you've listed-they are all for her sons health and wellbeing. Why would you be against these things? Also why would you want to call your own grandson a thug?!

I think there is a big huge gaping generational chasm here and the way your generation did things is frankly a bit backwards for this generation. We've all been told sugar is the enemy and cause of the obesity crisis, whereas in the 80s people used to happily load their kids with sugary crap. In the 80s people often didn't even bother with car seats, but there were way less cars on the road and without social media crashes weren't reported as frequently.

In the 80s people weren't aware of SIDs so much until Anne Diamond's back to sleep campaign after her son died. There have been a number of high profile choking instances recently at childcare settings where sadly children have died or ended up with life limiting brain injuries due to hypoxia.

People are way more cautious and anxious these days.

Reading this, I think you all need some counselling… just to get the truth out in the room.

He doesn’t see the boys as my grandson’s he sees them as our’s, they see him when they come to mine unless he’s working but I’m always with them.
@RobbingBanks points out are not a guarantee against abusing children.

Which they won't follow, because they know they were much better parents. 😂

@TheMILinatorReturns My kids were born in the 80s and I can assure you that what you accuse the OP of doing was not the norm even in the 80s! Not amongst educated parents.

My DCs (adults) have been praised by dentists for their good teeth and told they must have not had much sugary stuff as kids- yes, correct.

Yes, banging on about boundaries and respect all the time

Blimey OP yes that is a shit show but not of your own making. Sounds like you have been treated badly by a lot of people. It explains how your DD's are acting as well. Have you had any counselling to unpack what has happened to you?
My last post about boundaries still stands

I've read all your updates OP. The last but one, god that must have been so hard to live through. I can see why they distrust you when they've had that upbringing.

Honestly, maybe don't babysit ever again. Have them visit and like PP suggested all have therapy.

@SpryCat after your update I think there is way more at play than just benign rules about child care. If they have been drilled since a child your not to be trusted then this is absolutely being played out now with the grandkids.

Also there is the hurt and anger from their childhood.

I’d stand firm regarding not looking after the kids anymore. That’s your boundary - if they don’t trust you - you don’t look after them

It would be worse if you never gave them sugar as then as they would eventually get a taste for it and go mad for it

I think there is a big huge gaping generational chasm here and the way your generation did things is frankly a bit backwards for this generation. We've all been told sugar is the enemy and cause of the obesity crisis, whereas in the 80s people used to happily load their kids with sugary crap. In the 80s people often didn't even bother with car seats, but there were way less cars on the road and without social media crashes weren't reported as frequently.

Patronising.

I think the problem for me anyway is that this generation of parents seem to think they are the definitive one where the line is drawn and there will be no changes again. The perfect parents, no less.

Can I be the first to say I think BLW will be massively discredited in future? I do smile when I read posters saying their baby won't choke, just gag, and think how different things would be if a grandparent was pushing this. I think that will be an argument for the future.

Young child does not need sugary treats. Granny can treat them in so many other way, foodwise or other.