Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

I don't believe that 3 boys never fought, whatever they may have told you! Most children love a tough and tumble, especially when young as long as it doesn't go too far. The extreme nannying they suffer is part of the reason that most TV programmes such as Midsomer Murders now have to have trigger earnings for the pseudo sensitives.

Sounds perfectly ok. My mum and my in laws say being a grandmother is better than being a parent. 😂

Sure, it's their children and up to them, of course.

But they can find someone else to take care of the grandchildren if they're not satisfied with how the OP does it, can't they?

Or do people assume that you can consistently throw free help back in people's faces and have them continue to help you for free?

Ha! Wait till you're a grandparent.

OP didn't give child a lollipop.

Your issue with roughhousing by an unrelated man is ridiculous. First, because other adults were there, and secondly the thought that a related man would not abuse.

I see both sides.

I definitely, especially when my son was under 1, very PFB. I still am because I want to do everything right for him, and I kind of hate the phrase PFB because of course he’s precious, he is everything to me and you get info coming at you from all sides as a new parent and it’s easy to end up feeling guilty or worry you’re doing it all wrong.

A week postpartum I threatened to cut my parents off from coming to see their grandson because my dad wouldn’t listen when I asked him to take his shoes off in our lounge (I was very paranoid about germs with a newborn). I kept asking nicely and even with my mom pleading with him to just ✨take off his darn shoes✨ he wouldn’t. We discussed it and resolved it. I was being really OTT and have since apologised. It sounds like your daughter just wants to do the best she can for her LO (chocolate and squash aren’t great for little ones and I know some are more strict on it than other people are).

Your daughter just wants the best for her son, and putting boundaries in place is a part of parenting as so many people feel entitled to your child just because they’re relatives. However it sounds like you’re helping out a lot as childcare is expensive as hell and I know I’m always grateful when my folks look after my son so I can have a moment to take care of myself instead of having very moment being dedicated entirely to caring for my son.

I think it’s unfair to cut both daughters off for the falling out with one of them, especially when what is being asked of you isn’t anything unreasonable. Your GC will be fine without chocolate/sugar/squash, and I know for me if my son came home bouncing off the walls after chocolate and lots of rough play I’d probably feel a bit annoyed when I try to have our own routine in place and it sets up expectations of these things at home when they’re little and don’t understand it’s a ‘grandparents’ house’ thing.

I know a lot of my friends with kids have parents who think they know best, my own mum has made suggestions based on how I was raised that just don’t hold up today. Could it be that maybe you’re coming off a little like this?

My mom put up with me being really strict on lots of things because she understood that I was a new mom trying to work it all out. I’ve eased up now I know what I’m doing a bit more and I imagine she’s happy she never called me out on some of the more ‘fussy’ requests. What your GC’s mom wants is important even if it seems silly to you. Going against it just comes off like you think you know best. I’d rethink the blocking and cutting off over this as it seems like a bit of a dramatic response to being asked to not give chocolate to a toddler.

Wasn’t there a thread a few days ago about weird partner demands, I think there was a perfect non committal, non aggressive response made by the thread originator. Something along the lines of “ OK. Let me know what happens.”

I think the OP on this thread could adapt it slightly.

Sounds like you do a lot for them. They’re lucky to have you. Sorry you’re not appreciated. I wouldn’t dare send my kids with rules attached. Apart from basics obviously. I’d just be grateful.

Show them these messages. Ungrateful buggers.

They should let OP be a grandma !!
grandmas get to spoil there grandchildren !!
it’s a hill not worth dying on as far as I’m concerned !
As long as the gc is not in anyway in a dangerous situation the daughters are being overly ridiculous and in the end there gunna spoil a lovely relationship from forming !

@MollyRover

I've often babysat for friends or family members and actually ask for the list of rules. Dietary restrictions? Off limits games/tv shows? Bedtime? What is the issue exactly?

Parents know how grandparents parent because they have seen it for themselves. Also we have learned a lot in 40 years about best practices in raising children, lucky us!!

^^^^

Totally this.
Is it an ego thing ....

I agree with everything you have said on this thread OP, your daughters seem like hard work, but I am with them when they say that you should not give them chocolate, sweets or squash (even if it is diluted).

Sounds like the DD's are ganging up and bullying their DM to be honest. I don't think I'd look after my GC's if I wasn't trusted and was accused of things I hadn't done.

Op, you admit that you are the type of person not to say anything for a while and then go nuclear, which isn't ideal. Could you work on being more assertive? You can't control how they behave of course but you can put boundaries in place of how you want to be treated and enforce it in a non ballistic way.

What I find strangest of all is that your daughters don't believe you about stuff.

That is the reason that they should have stopped the childcare imo.

If parents don't want chocolate to be given though, why is it such a big deal to some GPs that they can't?

But children should not have having any chocolate or sweets or squash. or even undiluted fruit juice.

I think you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face. I have done a lot of childcare for my grandchildren. Yes I do follow my children’s rules as far as I can. Chocolate and squash are not good for children and they can do without them. Do you want your grandchildren to grow up obese or with bad teeth?

Yes, it will be hilarious when her grandkids are overweight and have diabetes and have to take weight loss drugs like a lot of the women on MN who think it is ok to give kids sugary stuff.

Hmm, rules or no rules, this is your time you are giving up and your DDs should be grateful. You are entitled to say no. I personally do think they are entitled to give some dealbreaker rules but a long list is counterproductive.

My kids can have chocolate. They're 1 and 2. My daybgter has dairy and soya free. In moderation its fine and they both have juice

I don't think you are ridiculous for this. It's really easy to fuck up kids with over reactions and telling them are wonderful all the time. It's a fine balance.

I voted YANBU because at the stage of parenting I am in, with older teen/young adult children, I can look back on those early years of anxiety and paranoia and laugh. There is also the point with a young child where you want your parents to tell you your doing a good job and support your decisions, even if they're not ones they would make. I'd bet my mortgage there are things on this list that are popular with the 'PFB' crowd (sugar-free birthday cupcakes anyone?)

That said, is there another way to engage with her? YABU with your response. She's your daughter and this is your grandchild, try to think of a more loving way to engage. This is like another stage of parenting her - model some good communication?

I’d wager it’s the kids who have a ban on chocolate/sweets when they are young who will end up with diabetes/ being fat as they never learn to self regulate.
It’s a bloody sad day if a granny can’t give her grandchild a little treat every now and then. What the hell have we become?

Just to add i have never given either my mum or mil "rules" for when looking after my kids!! It's an insult

Do you really think a little bit of weak diluted squash and a bit of chocolate a couple of times a week is going to result in that?

Your kids have no idea how lucky they are to have such good grandparents to their children.

Time for a calm clear chat (I can imagine how hard that will be with both of them), but there’s nothing that can’t be resolved.

Good luck 😊

Daughter*