Just told daughters I won’t be babysitting

[SpryCat]

I have two gorgeous toddler Gs’s by my two daughters, I look after the eldest Gs, one afternoon a week, I pick him up from nursery and cook his dinner till dad picks him up and have my youngest Gs another afternoon to give his mum a break. I have been given a long a list of rules I must follow to the letter. My youngest Dd is always having a go at me for not following all the rules, I asked her if we could have her son for a couple of hours tomorrow and got a long list of things she is not happy about, mainly (as she was at work) we had her partner with their son, my other daughter with her partner and son over on Boxing Day and eldest Gs was play fighting with my H and he jokingly said Gs was a thug. It was all reported back to the daughter who was working that day by her partner and her sister. She blamed us for her son’s bad behaviour (he is 2.5 years old) and I said we won’t be looking after Gs again as so shit at it. I text my other daughter and said we won’t be looking after your son anymore because we turn children into thugs. So fuck it, let then look after there own kids as they so perfect.
I didn’t want to hear back from them and was so het up I blocked them from messaging back. I only messaged one daughter to have Gs for a few hours tomorrow and I get aggro.
No matter what I do I get arsey messages, It does my head in.

When my kids were little and stayed or went out with my late mum- she could do what she wanted. It was their treat time with her, their relationship with her. I might not have agreed with all of it but I recognised the importance of them all having their own unique relationship.
i was also grateful that she showed an interest in them and was prepared to spend time and money on them.

You sound very sensitive.

The thug comment was nothing to do with you - all you had to say was take it up with your father.

By refusing to have the grandchildren I suspect the only person you will hurt is yourself.

It's their children and up to them which rules they want to set and how they want their children brought up.

It’s the daughters who are over sensitive!

For one afternoon a week (as per OP)? How much damage do you think can be done by a bit of weak squash or chocolate in that timeframe?

Car seat safety in non-negotiable for me, also cutting grapes.

Thing is they don't like how you look after the gc and youve tried to adjust but you keep getting it wrong so from now on perhaps you should only see them when parents are present. Maybe they were hoping this would be the outcome and didn't want to jump first by saying you can't see them, now youve done it for them and you can all move on from there. Hopefully you will still be able to see them as a family once the dust has settled.
Have you calmed down enough to unblock them yet?

I agree that any boisterous play needs to be bounded in such a way that children can be calmed before bed. This is entirely possible for many DC. If it is the issue here, I wish OP would tell us.

Many young children know that pretend fighting with adults doesn’t translate to pretend fighting with other children. Parents can frame it this way from the beginning. Mine did. If evidence accrues that this is a problem I agree it needs to be dealt with, but there is no need to put the cart before the horse.

The idea that a young child who pulls off a good move in a play fight with an adult and is laughingly called a thug will feel put down is rather precious. Children enjoy contained expressions of power and violence - just look at the enduring popularity of fairy tales. A kinetic expression thereof is quite mild by comparison.

I think the problem is that we haven't been given enough information here. There are two potential scenarios at the moment, which is why I think you're getting such mixed responses, OP.

1. That OP is being unreasonable and is actively damaging her relationship with her children and grandchildren
2. That OP is trying her hardest to follow her children's rules around parenting, but the rules are actually too severe and she is constantly under attack/being criticised despite trying her hardest.

In the first scenario, the 'rules' might be perfectly fair ones, and OP's children might have communicated them in a very respectful way to her. For example, 'please make sure they do their homework before they can go out to play', or 'it would be great if x child has a nap at 2, otherwise he gets a bit cranky and overexcited'. These aren't unreasonable asks or rules. Furthermore, there is an element of having to accept specific parenting rules which you don't agree with, out of respect to your children. For example, I see lots of people saying that OP's daughter is being 'ridiculous' for not wanting her kids to roughhouse. I personally think that this is besides the point - she doesn't want her kids to roughhouse, OP should respect that and tell her husband, 'no roughhousing'. It's not a matter of her kids not 'trusting' OP, it's a matter of her kids being parents and by nature having a slightly different parenting style. Likewise, when I have kids I will ask my much-loved mum to not put academic pressure on them. She's a wonderful mum and raised me and my sister excellently, but one thing she did do which wasn't great was pressurise us a lot about academia. I've already spoken to her about not putting academic pressure on my kids, and she has agreed to out of respect to me, although she doesn't agree with it. By dismissing her child's concerns about roughhousing as 'ridiculous', OP is effectively undermining her children's parenting.

In this context, OP blocking her child for (politely) asking her to not encourage roughhousing is petty, and risks damaging her relationship with her children and grandchildren. I know that I personally wouldn't feel comfortable having my child looked after by someone who acted like that after I tried to lay down a reasonable boundary with them. It suggests an inability to listen and an unwillingness to look after the children in a way that OP's daughter deems to be safe and healthy.

In the second scenario, OP's children communicate with her abusively and aggressively, effectively demanding childcare while also endlessly criticising her. The criticism is nasty and petty ('why did you do x child's hair that way, the hairstyle looks ridiculous', or 'x child is not allowed to get her coat dirty when you go to the park together'). Furthermore, the criticism is unjustified - OP is an excellent grandparent and tries to provide her grandchildren with a stable environment in which to work and play. She feels the need to ask her children permission to do even basic things with her grandchildren, such as taking them to the park, because she feels so much scrutiny.

In this context OP, it would make sense for you to lay down some boundaries as a grandparent. For example, 'I'm happy for you to share feedback, but you have to be polite and respectful', or even, 'I don't feel comfortable or safe looking after your children at the moment because I don't feel that the rules you have set are ones I am able to follow, because they are too rigid. I'd love to see my grandchildren, but maybe we could all go out to lunch together instead. This would mean that you are able to parent your children to a standard you are comfortable with, and I get to see my grandkids. How does that sound?'

I used to do regular babysitting for a dd and SiL and would certainly not have welcomed a list of rules. Info such as the best times for naps is different, but if I wasn’t trusted enough to care for my Gdc properly, I’d have expected them to pay for childcare instead.

This is such a tricky one, I see both sides on the rules thing. We’ve had to dial back the visits to my kids GPs as they refuse to listen to my requests - for example, every time my kids go round they get given ice cream and juice (to the point they’ll fill up on ice cream and skip dinner sometimes), which is now causing tantrums at home because we don’t do the same. My mum has insisted on sleeping in the room when my 3yo toddler sleeps over as she worries she’ll be scared or lonely (which she’s never shown signs of), which has now ruined our nights as she now expects us to stay in the room with her too.

I know it’s annoying feeling like you’re being controlled, but you don’t have to live with the knock-on effects of all these decisions.

How ridiculous.

Lots of kids grow up eating and doing all manner of unsuitable things and survive. That doesn't mean you should be obliged to overlook someone doing that with your own dc.

She'll just have to learn the hard way for taking advantage of you.

The key point surely is that if you delegate anything, then you have to accept that it won’t be done exactly as you wish. No two human beings are exactly the same.

Gs gets water now but not so long ago dd came round and asked me to give him diluted squash because he was dehydrated.
I would never allow them to have family bar size choc, they have had chocolate fingers in the tiny packs and I hid the tin of celebrations when he came on Boxing Day.
I go round to there house and Gs is eating a McDonald’s breakfast, at mine he eats cheerios or toast with honey ( he’s allowed honey btw) I cook a roast when he comes over as it’s his favourite or shepherd’s pie.
I cut up his food as per instructions but then see he eats Pistachio nuts at home.
We bought the car seat Dd recommended but a few weeks ago it was freezing and forgot to take his coat off before strapping him in. I filmed him singing “when Santa got stuck up the chimney” and sent it to her whilst she was at work and got told off. Fair enough but I it wasn’t intentional.
I never give them boiled sweets but Gs asked for one at mine and I could feel Dd staring to see if I was lying, I wasn’t but it’s the disbelief. I get calls questioning what he has had at mine.
One time he found one M&M on the sofa (Id eaten some the night before, he came running in to ask what is was and ate it. I got accused of giving him a whole packet.
The rules only get broken occasionally, it’s not done out of spite or one up manship. Gs at 2.5 years is being a little so and so at the minute, pushing boundaries and tantrums and it’s all because of me and my husband apparently. In my day kids played up and it wasn’t blamed on someone else, it was their age and they are learning how far they can push you.
I have unblocked them, I’m not expecting to hear from them but if I do, I can talk to them reasonably today, yesterday I couldn’t, I shut down as it got too much for me.

The OP has already said that she had not given them a lollipop and her daughter should believe her. What if the child was being wrestled with by a man who was related to them? Would that be different?
I used to look after my grandchildren and I would say that if the daughters don’t trust the OP to look after their children to their ‘standards’, then they should pay for childcare somewhere. It is far to stressful a situation for her.

Your daughters sound like ungrateful brats and I'm glad you've pushed back. The only thing I say to my mother when she takes my DC is thank you so much for giving me a break.

We very rarely ask grandparents to care for our toddler as she is full on. when she does have her, it's Nanny's rules. We know she is safe or we would never allow her to be in her care, what happens for a few hours whilst in her care is fine. It's supposed to be a fun time for both, time to bond.

This is awful, OP. I wouldn’t help anyone who showed this level of distrust in me.

Also how dare anyone who feeds a child a McD’s breakfast at home be critical of the food choices you have described?

Op. Let them look after their own kids or find alternative arrangements. Then see how far these rules extend to the others that are looking after them. Or maybe they might have to actually PAY for childcare. Your Dds might appreciate you a bit more after that.
Stick to your guns OP. I’d have done exactly the same as you. You’ve been mugged off long enough.

And?

You can be patient and not allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, or do you think being patient is equivalent to allowing people to walk all over you?

No doubt her brattish daughters will weaponise their children. Reading some of the responses from perfect parents it's hardly surprising that many young people have 'issues' as young adults.

Sorry you feel badly treated by your daughters whom you want to help. It sounds things are now hard and complicated. Its impossible to tell from your OP as we dont have the full picture of whats happening.

I wonder what the rules are? Some may be reasonable, like no screens, no sweets, no sweet drinks, no to certain food.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

They might not be behaving perfectly in this but by the sounds of it neither are you. I wouldn’t like a step grandparent to be wrestling my toddler child, and you seem to have just resigned yourself to t not being able to stop it- which rings alarm bells about the dynamic in your house. You also seem to be behaving very immaturely. Part of being a grandparent is respecting the wishes and requests of the parents- for example most parents monitor carefully the amount of treats their child has over a week, but if they then have a load more at grandparents it means parents feel like they can never give a treat themselves. I’m confused what message you’re trying to give your daughters seeing that you blocked them and then in the next breath have asked to have one of the children. They’ve probably inherited some of this tendency towards drama from you, and it sounds like a complete reset on all sides is needed if you want to stop the resentment building. At the end of the day, half a day of childcare is cheap enough, but losing your relationship with the grandchildren is priceless.

This is a bit shit isn't it? My mum is dead now but when my daughter was little, I was very grateful to her for having her to stay, giving me a break etc. I didn't tell her what to do, with the exception of updating advice on sleeping safely etc when she was a baby and saying what food she preferred (mainly for ease for my mum!). I modelled it on the amazing relationship I had with my grandparents who did all sorts of things we didn't do at home (and that was part of the fun!). My view is my parents brought up two children into decent adults so were perfectly capable of grand parenting!

I recently visited a family member who had been looking after one grandson and noticed an entire timetable and rules issued by the parents, stuck to the fridge. Family member has brought up 3 children (including one disabled one) and I thought it was really rude and disrespectful to treat her like she was staff (it was patronising as if she had no clue about children). I didn't say anything but if it had been me, I would have told them to get lost. So I get why you're annoyed OP. Maybe it's time to have a frank conversation about expectations on both sides. Don't cut off the little ones though, you will regret it.

I mean yeah..::your choice entirely.

I don’t see why the other dd gets lost though?

for reference I’ve been away from my teen kids for about 9 days at the most in their entire lives. My mum couldn’t help because of stuff and my in laws are incredible but life far away.

so your dd can do it too