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Original poster

Is this unkind, tone deaf or something else?

131 replies

maudsch · 27/12/2024 11:16

Person A - is likely depressed and has asked Person B for time off and space to figure things out and affirmed that a relationship continuation is not promissed for next year - also does not celebrate Christmas at all and likes to spend the day alone - explicited asked to not receive any kind of Christimas messages/wishes.

Person B - travels every year to another country to spend Christmas with family. Messaged Person A on Christmas day a merry Christma message and fake images of Person A’s favourite series character wearing Christmas hats in the snow with Christmas slogans all over it. Note that the series in question is about apocalypse survival and has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas at all.

Person A - replies with a simple ‘enjoy your day’

Next day, boxing day Person B messages again - a paragraph - talking about their activities with the family, the Christmas dinner, the boxing day lunch and the plans for boxing day dinner and signs off with a ‘miss you’ and a kissy emoji, knowing full well that the relationship is on a break

Is Person B just tone deaf to Person A or is it an attempt to burst boundaries?

Do you think Person B is pretending they didn’t understand what is going on?

They have been low key dating for 1.5 years but don’t plan to marry or share a home. One is late 40s and the other mid 50s.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 16:10

Person A is hard work.
Person B deserves far better.

B needs to finish with A.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/12/2024 16:11

If person A tried to dump person B using the same confusing woolly nonsense that you’re using on here then it’s no surprise that person B is confused and hasn’t got the message clearly.

Life doesn’t need to be this hard. The relationship is over. So say that, “no hope” or “no promise of continuation” are bullshit.

Over.
Ended.
Wish you all the best for future.
Not working for me.

All clearly articulate your intentions. Try one of those and person B will have no doubt about what’s going on.

hamsandyams · 27/12/2024 16:11

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 27/12/2024 15:52

Person B seems to dislike the thought of the other person being so alone at Christmas, which is kind.

That’s not kind when said person A wanted to split in the first place and explicitly said they wanted to be alone and not celebrate Christmas.
It’s not because you (or B) feel being alone at Christmas is awful that everyone feels the same and it’s then ok to ignore someone else wishes. That isn’t been kind. That’s looking after your own feelings of inadequacy.

But there is so much campaigning for reaching out to people over the festive period when mental health struggles are often worse. Many depressed people shut themselves off and don’t want people to reach out, and some of those stories end tragically.

If you’re worried about someone’s wellbeing it’s not necessarily malicious or self centred to reach out to them and keep them engaged if you think that might give the best outcome.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 27/12/2024 16:24

hamsandyams · 27/12/2024 16:11

But there is so much campaigning for reaching out to people over the festive period when mental health struggles are often worse. Many depressed people shut themselves off and don’t want people to reach out, and some of those stories end tragically.

If you’re worried about someone’s wellbeing it’s not necessarily malicious or self centred to reach out to them and keep them engaged if you think that might give the best outcome.

Show quote history

If you’re worried about someone well-being you
1- don’t make whatever you’re sending all about you/what you've done etc…
2- listen carefully to what’s working fir them

In that case, a simple ‘I hope you’re ok and having a good day’ would have been enough.
Which is exactly what I’ve done with one of my friend. I didn’t start talking about my Christmas.

smilingeleanor · 27/12/2024 16:26

person B deserves better

person A needs to properly finish things (and can navel gaze alone as much as they like)

Jennyathemall · 27/12/2024 16:26

YABU for using Person A and Person B

LetsNCagain · 27/12/2024 16:39

Person A doesn't actually want person B to leave him alone, because he likes having someone to berate for getting everything wrong.

category12 · 27/12/2024 16:40

Anna needs to realise that she doesn't need Bernard's permission or agreement to break-up.

If she wants out, that's enough - just tell him straight out that it's done.

It's not a discussion or debate, it's an announcement.

If he keeps chasing, then block him.

2025willbemytime · 27/12/2024 16:41

What?

Person B did what person A asked them not to do.

LetsNCagain · 27/12/2024 16:42

category12 · 27/12/2024 16:40

Anna needs to realise that she doesn't need Bernard's permission or agreement to break-up.

If she wants out, that's enough - just tell him straight out that it's done.

It's not a discussion or debate, it's an announcement.

If he keeps chasing, then block him.

I got the impression A is a man and B is a woman

category12 · 27/12/2024 16:46

LetsNCagain · 27/12/2024 16:42

I got the impression A is a man and B is a woman

Show quote history

OK, Berenice needs to stop chasing Aaron. 😂

HollyKnight · 27/12/2024 16:47

Person A sounds like a fun sponge. Person B must really love them if they haven't walked away from it. Person A needs to address their depression instead of taking their unhappiness out on other people and attempting to make Person B the problem.

yousexybugger · 27/12/2024 16:48

A is trying to include B in a small way.

B is setting them up to fail and being somewhat of a coward.

B wishes to end the relationship but doesn't want to have the difficult conversation so is making A the 'bad guy' by suggesting that a simple Christmas wish is breaching a boundary etc.

A, have the guts to end the relationship. B doesn't know what the heck is going on as depression obscures the motivations behind behaviour and emotions and they may think this is just a difficult period of mental health.

Stop setting silly tests to feel like a victim. Just end the relationship.

WorkCleanRepeat · 27/12/2024 16:57

Person A sounds like a self absorbed twit. They should just break up with Person B if that's what they want to do.

Person B should stop trying to maintain a relationship that obviously doesn't exist in the way they want it to.

CautiousLurker01 · 27/12/2024 17:15

maudsch · 27/12/2024 11:38

Person A explicited asked to not receive any kind of Christimas messages/wishes.

So it is ok for Person B to ignore the above just because Christmas?

Person A is being an oversensitive and controlling tw@t. They should just ignore any messages from Person B (perhaps should have muted their message apps if they didn’t wan’t to receive any ) and enjoying being a miserable and self-absorbed arse.

Then Person B would get the message that that Person A is not worth the effort or consideration and dump them first.

mrsm43s · 27/12/2024 17:16

2025willbemytime · 27/12/2024 16:41

What?

Person B did what person A asked them not to do.

But person A was being wholly unreasonable, self absorbed and manipulative by putting person B in this position in the first place. Person B was in a lose:lose situation- if they hadn't have made contact I can guarantee they'd have been betated for not checking in on Person A.

Person A is the problem, takes no responsibility for their manipulative and abusive behaviour and needs therapy.

If person A doesn't want to be with person B they need to clearly and unequivocally end the relationship.

If they do want to be with person B they need to learn to compromise and realise that relationships work both ways.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 27/12/2024 17:24

@mrsm43s can you explain why you think person A is abusive and needs therapy?
I sincerely dont get it

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 27/12/2024 17:59

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 27/12/2024 15:08

But it’s B who pushed to keep the relationship going when A wanted to split ‘because B thinks A is depressed’.
Surely, it’s B who created the issue in the first place by refusing the split?

Show quote history

It doesn’t seem at all like the communication of the end of the relationship has been clear but more that there is a slight possibility but nothing promised. The OP or ‘Person A’ 🙄 needs to communicate much more clearly

StarlightStalagmite · 27/12/2024 18:05

maudsch · 27/12/2024 14:38

This was communicated verbally

Person A said to Person B at the dating stage that they don’t celebrate Christmas and have not done so for about 10 years.

For their 1st Christmas together last year Person A made an exception and exchanged gifts with Person B before they travelled to spend holidays with family and did the whole Christmas message thing but it didn’t feel authentic.

Person A attempted to break up the relationship with Person B and Person B did not accept it and suggested Person A is depressed. Because it was mid December, Person A then knowing Person B would travel, thought it would be a time for Person B to reflect on Person A’s wish to break up and accept. Person A also said that they wanted to go back to their way they have been doing Christmas and said they would not reply to any Christmas messages not even from own family. So requested Person B to not send any as it feels pointless and irritating (to a person who does not celebrate)
Person A had already said in the beginning of December that they wanted to opt out of gifts exchanging too.

Show quote history

So now seeing this - this changes things as now sounds like person B has ignored person A's wishes to end the relationship and blamed their mental health. Does person A think they are depressed? Or is this just Person B's way of invalidating person A's wishes?

I think person A should reiterate that the relationship is over and block person B.

niadainud · 27/12/2024 18:05

Person A needs to get over themselves and decide what they want.

(And also proofread.)

yousexybugger · 27/12/2024 18:31

B doesn't need to formally accept the end of a relationship.

It can go like this 'hi Bill, sorry to say but I've given it a lot of thought and the relationship isn't working for me anymore. I wish you the best but my mind is made up and I would like a clean break. All the best. Anne'

A can ignore any correspondence, block, archive. Once your mind is made up about a break up, it's up to you to stick to that. It's not for the other person uphold it.

Original poster
maudsch · 27/12/2024 21:13

Person A is a woman, my best friend

Person B is her boyfriend

So A knows she was vague when talking to her boyfriend about ending the relationship however she was not sure herself. She says they reached stale mate and he is not moving things forward but otherwise the relationship is good although she doesn’t feel fullfilled. Also she is going through a stressful period of someone in her family having poor health and feels overwhelmed but she doesn’t think she is depressed

So altough she didn’t end things firmly, she asked for time out as having to go on dates or having sleep overs was feeling like a lot of energy to give when she said she felt like she had no energy left and needed lots of rest and quiet time to think how she wants to focus her time and energy moving forward and the changes she wants to do in her life. So he suggested she is depressed. He asked that was hoping to see her when back from Christmas and she told him to not have any hope as she can’t deal with more pressures and expectations from her time and doesn’t want to make any promisses to him. Plus all the Christmas stuff.

So although she was not surprised when he reached out on Christmas she was annoyed that he made his messages very much Christmas themed when she asked him not to.

I’m her best friend since 1997 so we tell each other everything.
She sends me voice notes when she needs to talk, this for her feels like writing in a diary although it is not daily (I do the same and thankfully I don’t have any issues atm, if I had I certainly wouldn’t burden her with my issues as she has a lot on her plate - her teenage daughter had her first overdose at the end of November)

Anyway, I suggest to her to post here but she doesn’t like writing, she likes talking so she gave me permission

I used person A / B as I didn’t want gender to influence the responses

To the person who mentioned grammar - apologies as I am not an English native speaker

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 27/12/2024 21:20

If she's not sure about being in a relationship anymore then she needs to end it. It's not fair to string him along like that. She doesn't need to create a reason to justify it (e.g. "he overrode my boundaries about Christmas"), she can just end it because the relationship isn't working for her anymore.

HotBath · 27/12/2024 21:23

She’s focusing on the wrong things. She should end the relationship, and communicate more clearly.

TwistedWonder · 27/12/2024 21:24

HotBath · 27/12/2024 21:23

She’s focusing on the wrong things. She should end the relationship, and communicate more clearly.

Agree. She needs to stop hand wringing and navel gazing and tell him in plain English that the relationship is over - without using language like it’s a therapy session.