Is this unkind, tone deaf or something else?

[maudsch]

Person A - is likely depressed and has asked Person B for time off and space to figure things out and affirmed that a relationship continuation is not promissed for next year - also does not celebrate Christmas at all and likes to spend the day alone - explicited asked to not receive any kind of Christimas messages/wishes.

Person B - travels every year to another country to spend Christmas with family. Messaged Person A on Christmas day a merry Christma message and fake images of Person A’s favourite series character wearing Christmas hats in the snow with Christmas slogans all over it. Note that the series in question is about apocalypse survival and has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas at all.

Person A - replies with a simple ‘enjoy your day’

Next day, boxing day Person B messages again - a paragraph - talking about their activities with the family, the Christmas dinner, the boxing day lunch and the plans for boxing day dinner and signs off with a ‘miss you’ and a kissy emoji, knowing full well that the relationship is on a break

Is Person B just tone deaf to Person A or is it an attempt to burst boundaries?

Do you think Person B is pretending they didn’t understand what is going on?

They have been low key dating for 1.5 years but don’t plan to marry or share a home. One is late 40s and the other mid 50s.

And if you are person A op, why don’t you tell us why you are feeling this way? What happened? You might find it more helpful being open and accepting of your true situation, rather than who said what.

Person A sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies. Doesn't like Christmas (because the focus isn't solely on them, this is classic); has moved out of the idealisation stage but instead of just ending it with B, is keeping them hanging on as a source of supply. A relationship isn't promised next year? Who says shit like that? Poor B.

Person A you needs to rip the plaster off and stop being horrible to person B because they very understandably wanted to communicate with their partner on what to them is a special occasion.

Person B cares for Person A and wants to check in with them over Christmas and keep the relationship going.

Person A sounds awful - intolerant, sulky and controlling. Even though they do not celebrate Christmas, they clearly don't care that person B does. I hope person B moves on and finds someone they deserve.

Person a is not interested in a relationship

How was this explicitly communicated? If it was very clearly communicated and B said ‘ok I will comply with that request’ but then ignored it, then B would be out of order and a bit weird.

If, however, A thinks they have communicated something clearly but it was actually more ambiguous, then B is merely acting within cultural norms, and perhaps doesn’t fully understand A’s feelings or wishes. This may not be B’s fault if it is a communication issue.

I think person A sounds like hard work…

Person A sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

Person A seems to have disappeared from the thread seeing as it hasnt gone the way they thought it would.....
Hopefully they've gone to man/woman up and end the relationship instead of leaving person B dangling.

This was communicated verbally

Person A said to Person B at the dating stage that they don’t celebrate Christmas and have not done so for about 10 years.

For their 1st Christmas together last year Person A made an exception and exchanged gifts with Person B before they travelled to spend holidays with family and did the whole Christmas message thing but it didn’t feel authentic.

Person A attempted to break up the relationship with Person B and Person B did not accept it and suggested Person A is depressed. Because it was mid December, Person A then knowing Person B would travel, thought it would be a time for Person B to reflect on Person A’s wish to break up and accept. Person A also said that they wanted to go back to their way they have been doing Christmas and said they would not reply to any Christmas messages not even from own family. So requested Person B to not send any as it feels pointless and irritating (to a person who does not celebrate)
Person A had already said in the beginning of December that they wanted to opt out of gifts exchanging too.

Could you ditch the person A person B thing if you want some proper help?

I would be annoyed if I’d specifically asked for someone to avoid certain topics and they talked about it, anyway (it’s not like there aren’t thousands of other things you could talk about). Just a “how are you?” over Christmas would have been fine in this case, if they really wanted to text.

Person A and person B are incompatible.

How do you try to break up with someone anyway?

Ending a relationship is not something that needs the agreement of both parties.

If A doesn't want to be with B then A doesn't need B to agree to that for the relationship to be over. A says sorry, but we're done. Don't contact me again. A blocks B. If B hassles A, A says leave me alone or I'll report you for harassment.

You clearly enjoy wallowing in misery. As other posters have said, end the relationship properly and stop dragging your poor partner down with you.

That is what I’m thinking

They could reach out and avoid the topic that the other said is uncomfortable and irritating and explicitely asked to be spared of
It just sounds like completely ignoring what the other feel / want even if it is good intention

Stop with the person a/b nonsense and hand wringing, tell the other person it’s over and block if they continue to message.

It doesn't have to be as dramatic as you’re making it

Person A needs to leave the relationship, it is normal to talk about things you have done/enjoy with your partner. If I was dating someone of another religion I would expect to hear about their celebration (even if i didnt celebrate) and how they have enjoyed time with family. Not sulk about being told about it.

it sounds like person B has been left dangling wondering whether or not the relationship with A will continue or not. Which is not fair as it is clear that person A is not interested in a relationship anymore with person B but hasn’t explicitly told person B this so person B is holding onto hope and has buried their head in the sand and is messaging person A “normal” Xmas messages in an attempt to continue communication. These messages may be annoying for person A but I feel sorry for person B as person A will not outright tell person B that the relationship is over and is using “mental health” as an excuse for treating person B badly.

Person A (you, I'm guessing) sounds pretty awful. If you genuinely don't want messages and don't want the relationship, don't be half arsed about it. Ignore the texts and end the relationship. Otherwise you're just a manipulative coward.

Kindly, person A needs therapy to talk about c why receiving a Christmas message or other acknowledging Christmas is so triggering. It isn’t other people’s job to avoid your triggers, it’s your job to learn how to manage them.

Person A also needs to work through what healthy relationships and communication looks like and how to treat people with the kindness and respect they deserve. It’s unfair to leave person B in such a B position and person B deserves more.

Can't follow all that but just dump the boyfriend/girlfriend if you're not enjoying dating whoever it is. No need for such exhausting analysis, especially in your 40s, life is for enjoying.

No it's not. That's person b putting their wishes over what person a has asked for.