NPD Dad trying to groom me

[dun4]

tell him I know what his agenda is?

I'm supposed to be going abroad to see my father in a couple of days. I stupidly agreed to go at a low point.

I have severe mental illness from being brought up by him and my mother. The kind where you can't function. He abused all of us, including our cat, physically and psychologically.

He has been recording phone conversations, obviously to use against me at some point and I believe as a way to identify my weaknesses.

He admits he loves Machiavellian type of people.

-He puts me down, as obviously I have made huge mistakes from being very mentally ill since childhood. But I have just kept going and going and trying to move on despite having gone through a lot of traumatic experiences that I just shrug off.

-He criticises me as a mother

-He shows resentment over money he had to pay my mum in divorce and now he's saying that me and my siblings basically took his money! He says he's got a solicitor, as my mum tricked him in the divorce 30 odd years ago. The truth is he lost money, as he split up with affair partner and then made terrible financial decisions. But he blames us not himself.

-He shouts at me to rent and not buy a house. I think this is so I have cash in the bank that is readily available for him to try and con out of me. He has been revealing his true motive about phoning me all the time, as he's started to talk about "investments." It's in an indirect way but I can tell that's why he is showering me with attention and keeping tabs on me and trying to get information out of me. He did say don't say no to an investment proposal straight away though. So it's indirect and direct.

Anyway today he was laying on a guilt trip about how he saved me when the rest of my family and my partner were ganging up on me. Which is true he did something that actually helped me. I ended up in hospital with a physical condition, but I think stress probably brought it on. But boy oh boy do I owe him now in his head, it's so obvious. I can see his manipulation tactic with me is guilt and obligation. He started with his sly digs today again, which he has been doing for months and I said one thing back to him and he couldn't take it and told me to fuck off and he put the phone down. He always wanted me to come on my own abroad and I have been worried about it as I think when I turn down his investment proposal he may turn violent and hurt me.

He has deleted a text to me on what's app (I didn't see what it said) and now sent a guilt trippy message to me as I think he thinks this works better on me.

Bottom line is I don't want to go now. I told him I have mental illness but I haven't let on that I know he has been grooming me so I "invest" in other words basically hand over all my money to him! Shall I let on that I know what he's up to and he really resents me and my siblings and is only talking to me to get my money? I am starting to feel guilty that I don't want to go, but I'm too scared.

Can anyone give me any advice please? I have no one I can trust in this world which causes the mental illness to break me down even more.

My advice would be not to go and go as low contact with him as you feel you can

The obvious solution is to cancel the booking and block him.

Apart from any sense of fear, obligation or guilt (which you sound self aware enough to know would be driving you to walk into the Lion's Den) - what is stopping you from doing that?

Fear of what he'll do to me. He comes up with very imaginative ways to get revenge on people. He is a very scary man.

Should I say I know what your agenda is?

Its very unlikley he could or would actually harm you I assume.
What could he actually do to you?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. He's terribly abusive and you must try and keep absolutely minimal contact, if any.
I hope you will seek counselling if you've not already? X

I'm sorry to hear this OP and I hope you have support.

Please cancel your trip, text him that you're not coming and then block him on everything.

If you think you may be in danger then contact the police. You can also contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice.

He comes up with all sorts of ways to get revenge on people. He'd do things like try and get people sacked or smear campaign you. He has done all sorts of things to people.

He can't get you sacked
I imagine the worst thing he does if make you afraid of what he might do.
If you stop caring what he thinks and stop caring what people who listen to him think you will find it very liberating.
I get it OP, my own Father was scary until I realised that he had nothing I wanted and had no actual power over me.
Try and calmly think about what you KNOW he really COULD do and it is likely to be nothing.

So get ahead of him and start telling people what your father is like. Tell people to watch out as he's insane. Tell your work that he's harassing you (tell the police too). If you have kids explain the situation to social services that he might try and get in touch with them. Go to the drs and get a wellness check.

He can only get to you if you let him. Block him and go no contact.

Block him, don’t visit, warn work particularly if this is something you think he’ll do. You could look into a non molestation order too. Keep safe OP

Pretend you have got norovirus and can’t travel.

No, as you can do that at any point but once it's out it's out. Knowledge is power. Keep it up your sleeve. For now I would say you've caught Covid and won't be able to travel after all. It gets you some space.

Shall I tell him I know what he's up to (trying to get me to invest) and say I notice your constant digs and veiled threats and don't enjoy being told I disappeared when I'm trying to focus on myself to improve my life. That's what happens when I try to avoid contact.

I wouldn't. Invent a good excuse (you or child is ill, lack of funds (best one if you think he is angling for ££ from you)need to work, need to do xyz) and cancel the trip.
Make yourself less available to contact, don't answer his calls, be very slow to answer messages, just show fade.
But most important thing is don't put yourself near him and stop telling him things about your life, go as low contact as possible.

Cancel the visit, block him on everything and cut him out of your life.

If he tries anything dodgy report him to the police for harassment.

I would try to speak to your GP, or a charity like Mind, about getting some counselling as well so you can explore how your fear of him is still impacting on your life even now that you are an adult and no longer living with him

He won't believe I'm ill, we literally just had an argument.

The thing is with him he is extremely shrewd. He literally tells me all the time I know the psychology of you, your siblings and your mother. (I don't have a relationship with her) The thing is he actually does read us like books.

He literally reads how to be Machiavellian. He has nothing to do all day every day.

Don't engage with him at all.
People like him enjoy attention and drama, it doesn't matter if its negative its just like oxygen. You can't win, you just cut them off.

He doesn’t need to believe you’re ill. Block him and never speak to him again

But as I said before, what can he actually DO?
He has power becasue you give it to him

I think the drive to say things to him like "I know your agenda" is subconsciously a way of trying to get him to behave better towards you, or to try and make sure he doesn't paint you as being "the bad one"

I think that neither of these things is actually going to happen.

So just "drop the rope" as they say

"Dad stuff has come up that means I'm not going to come over to see you. Sorry." End of message.
If he starts being abusive, - just block him.

When you go back to work, have a little chat with your line manager - you have an abusive father and there has been a bit of a blow up over the holidays. He has form for trying to get people sacked as revenge which has worried you so you just wanted to let her know.

I'd also recommend some psychotherapy to work on how to be more emotionally detached from him.

Yes I think you're right about my desire to tell him I know what he's up to. I think it's also my ego as I want to say do you think I'm blind and stupid I see what you're up to, you think I'm vulnerable so are trying to exploit me. I suppose I'm angry.

I don't function and I told the GP, but they just offer free CBT. I have a good number for trauma counselling that I now must start. I didn't phone yet I didn't know what to say ti tge and I feel better in the evenings when the lines are open to call them!

I’d say I was ill.

If he calls you out on it, admit no you’re not ill you were just trying to save his feelings as you don’t want to come. And you don’t like spending time with him.

If he threatens you, go along the lines of the Duke of Wellington and say “publish and be damned”, you will not be blackmailed (emotionally or otherwise).

I’d also let your work place, GP, local council, police, social service and children’s’ schools know that your father is harassing you, and look into taking out a non molestation order out for him.

Don’t engage with him, don’t argue with him and expose his ways.

Definitely less is more. Illness sounds like the ideal excuse. Then if he reacts badly just block. Best just block one way or another. Don’t tell him what you know.

I don’t know if you realise but you can recover from him. I had a somewhat similar upbringing and I am as recovered as I need to be from it and believe me I was a real mess at a point. They are nothing to me now and I realise what I though was strong and powerful was actually weak and inadequate. I was the strong one who walked away from what was likely generations of abusive shite and am thriving on my own without them. It takes time and a very painful journey but it is possible.

Thank you all. You are making me feel stronger and less guilty telling him I don't want to go.

He told me he's too old for this he moved abroad to try and break away from all "this shit", and now I've made him feel land and like shit.

Meanwhile he's plotting to rob me and trying to put my self esteem down! It would be laughable if it wasn't so hurtful.

But I inexplicably STILL feel guilty still as he's told people his daughter is coming and he's excited and booked me a restaurant and an event.