NPD Dad trying to groom me

[dun4]

tell him I know what his agenda is?

I'm supposed to be going abroad to see my father in a couple of days. I stupidly agreed to go at a low point.

I have severe mental illness from being brought up by him and my mother. The kind where you can't function. He abused all of us, including our cat, physically and psychologically.

He has been recording phone conversations, obviously to use against me at some point and I believe as a way to identify my weaknesses.

He admits he loves Machiavellian type of people.

-He puts me down, as obviously I have made huge mistakes from being very mentally ill since childhood. But I have just kept going and going and trying to move on despite having gone through a lot of traumatic experiences that I just shrug off.

-He criticises me as a mother

-He shows resentment over money he had to pay my mum in divorce and now he's saying that me and my siblings basically took his money! He says he's got a solicitor, as my mum tricked him in the divorce 30 odd years ago. The truth is he lost money, as he split up with affair partner and then made terrible financial decisions. But he blames us not himself.

-He shouts at me to rent and not buy a house. I think this is so I have cash in the bank that is readily available for him to try and con out of me. He has been revealing his true motive about phoning me all the time, as he's started to talk about "investments." It's in an indirect way but I can tell that's why he is showering me with attention and keeping tabs on me and trying to get information out of me. He did say don't say no to an investment proposal straight away though. So it's indirect and direct.

Anyway today he was laying on a guilt trip about how he saved me when the rest of my family and my partner were ganging up on me. Which is true he did something that actually helped me. I ended up in hospital with a physical condition, but I think stress probably brought it on. But boy oh boy do I owe him now in his head, it's so obvious. I can see his manipulation tactic with me is guilt and obligation. He started with his sly digs today again, which he has been doing for months and I said one thing back to him and he couldn't take it and told me to fuck off and he put the phone down. He always wanted me to come on my own abroad and I have been worried about it as I think when I turn down his investment proposal he may turn violent and hurt me.

He has deleted a text to me on what's app (I didn't see what it said) and now sent a guilt trippy message to me as I think he thinks this works better on me.

Bottom line is I don't want to go now. I told him I have mental illness but I haven't let on that I know he has been grooming me so I "invest" in other words basically hand over all my money to him! Shall I let on that I know what he's up to and he really resents me and my siblings and is only talking to me to get my money? I am starting to feel guilty that I don't want to go, but I'm too scared.

Can anyone give me any advice please? I have no one I can trust in this world which causes the mental illness to break me down even more.

Is your Mum still alive?

(Sorry, I don't know how old everyone involved is).

Do not go to his country.

Do not be in contact with him

Do seek professional help to discuss what is going on, and to sort out what is real and what is not real. Some of the beliefs you hold about him and his power to harm you sound paranoid, although it also sounds as if he is genuinely very problematic.

@Fraaances yes I was saying it today, as he was criticising me and I told him that I was told I've by a psyc that I have had mental illness since childhood due to trauma, so that he can shut up and see that abuse can impact your life!

I agree you shouldn't discuss any personal info with a narc though.

Yes, you are absolutely correct. Alone is better than frightened and robbed of your savings.
Give him & them no room in your life. Block numbers, be honest with others about them, protect your money for your child.

I once had to tell my employer a bad thing about a family member. They were incredibly understanding even though I was worried it would come back on me. The same goes for my friends.

He is manipulating you to think you need him in order to take your money.

When the money is gone, he will be too.

Cancel the trip. If you don’t feel like telling him why, don’t. Just don’t go and block all of his attempts at contact.

He doesn’t care, he just wants your money.

He snarls that he thinks we should give him money, as really it's his!

How old were you when he and your Mum split? Did he pay child maintenance, at the very least, if you & your siblings were under 18 or in FT education?

Even that is minimal.

Most fathers pay towards their kids, ongoing, until they're adults. Driving lessons, cars, uni fees, house deposits, ..... The ones I know are then putting money into savings accounts for their grandkids. I even know people (in their 40s)whose parents give them large amounts towards utility bills etc. if they're tight for money.

How much of that did he pay for you and your siblings?

Why does he think you all owe him money?

Your Mum presumably got a fair settlement - why does he think he's owed money from it?

These are rhetorical questions, he's obviously batshit.

I was 11 and funny you say that but I think he called me a little bitch because he paid child support - a pittance of course!

Oh he did none of that for us. He gave us nothing.

He's mad because she paid him out he got more than his fair share plus he got another asset too all for himself.

He made poor decisions and somehow we all owe him.

He split from your Mum when you were 11, paid minimal child maintenance for a few years, paid for nothing else since ..... And he thinks you owe him money?

He should have been paying well above minimal CM and he should have been paying towards other major costs. Good parents then often, as above, pay towards costs for major things.

He's bonkers. He's not even paid a modicum of what a parent should have...and even then decent parents wouldn't later expect payback.

You wouldn't owe him even if he'd paid in the way decent parents do.

But he hasn't.

And it sounds like he got a decent, equal (or better) settlement in the divorce.

@StrawberryDream24 The more others see that his thinking is completely irrational and bonkers the less guilty I feel.

He gave me nothing but mental illness and now I owe him somehow!

He made poor decisions and somehow we all owe him

He can fuck off.

His behaviour and attitude reminds me of my sister with NPD.

It's amazing how similar that are.

Irresponsible with money.

Wouldn't spend a penny on another person.

Thinks everyone owes them.

Uses phrases like "family will just have to step up" when she and her partner are struggling .... The same family she criticises (including to strangers) and falls out with constantly. The sams family who are a shower of bastards ....until she needs money and support after blowing any money that have.

She also focused on her child for money/getting what she wants.

When she was talking about future housing/housing problems, she said "Rhys will just have to get a mortgage" (meaning for them, she, her partner and him). So normal parents get their own home, pay it off and leave it to their kids but she .... Like your "father", expected her son to provide her and her partner with a home, by getting a mortgage in his name because they couldn't.

Unnatural, a perversion of parenting.

He made poor decisions and somehow we all owe him

That is his point of view, not the point of view of others - it shouldn’t be your point of view. Your problem is that narcissistic behaviour causes others to lose their sense of differentiation/self of self so you end up confusing their perception with yours. The work is in differentiation. Developing a real sense of yourself.

@StrawberryDream24 Yes but to admit that he did alright, he would have to acknowledge his shortcomings and terrible decision-making. The mental gymnastics of a narc is astounding. He'd rather see himself as Machiavelli re-incarnated and try to scam me.

I feel better thank you xx

I haven’t read your full post but I think you should go no contact and focus on yourself because the stress will cause physical health issues too

I understand how you feel. My father has BPD and the damage it has caused me - being raised in this environment, is extensive. The childhood trauma runs deep.

I made a very difficult decision 3 years ago to go super low contact and within a year ; quite unintentionally; I finally discovered who I really was - without all the expectations, emotional Tug of war, blackmailing etc….i was a different person.

I am more confident. My mental health is better, I make wiser decisions and the best reward is I am a better mother.

My true personality came to the surface and all the damage melted away.

I think sometimes just being around / in contact with people with these conditions can be damaging in itself. As long as you are in contact ; their condition will find a way to influence you unless you build a fortress around yourself.

Was it easy to do? No??? Did I get pulled back in 2/3 times before I learnt! Yes …. But keep with it. Keep low contact - stick to it - build your fortress around you! This is key. Don’t let them in.

Stick with it and one day you will wake up a different person and you won’t even have noticed it happening…. I did ( no therapy required too)

I hope my story gives you hope

All the best (you’ve got this!)

Cancel the trip. He may be your Dad, but essentially it's biology only. Nothing you describe is the actions of a man, who loves his daughter. His only interest in you, is to get out of you what he can - monetary or otherwise. He's a toxic individual. What you actually need to do is block him on every platform and never contact him again. I strongly advise you to seek some counselling, and build your self-esteem back up, so you feel confident to walk away from him. Do not, under any circumstances give him money or visit him in any way.

He'd rather see himself as Machiavelli re-incarnated and try to scam me.

He's a bit too dumb for that.

Please don't go. He sounds absolutely toxic and you sound vulnerable. You need to get some support (therapist) and cut contact with him. Does he visit the UK often?

I’m sorry for you op this is a hard read.
It’s terrifying tbh .
Please block delete him .
Id go as far as to get a new number.
Best thing you can do is never have anything to do with him again .

Do not go abroad I don’t think you are safe in any way .

@StrawberryDream24 Wow like you say how perverse is that for your sister to expect that from her son - like he is a non person with no needs of his own.

Op, what actually stopped my sister from contacting me was taking the piss out of her.

She realised I was no longer in thrall, that I could see right through her and that I wasn't taking her seriously.
She's barely contacted me in the years, maybe twice, since.

I wouldn't recommend that you take the piss to his face - because it will not gain you anything positive; but do it in your head, constantly; make it your default, give him a nickname.

If you have contact again, he'll probably realise - just from your attitude - that you've moved out of the sphere of "mark", pawn; into "not playing ball, not manipulable, waste of time". It becomes obvious to them without having to say anything in particular (though I said something very sarcastic and piss taking).

Their entire MO is so predatory that they sense quickly when you are no longer prey. When you don't take them seriously any more. When you don't respect them or care about their opinion of you or your relationship.

@Harkinonnowhear yes he has been manipulating me with the one good thing he did do for me and keeps harping on about it, as a way to to make me feel obligated. I will no longer accept this perception and it was why he lost his tag with me today as I wasn't falling over myself with gratitude and it really pissed him off as it's part of the scam.

Her son gtfo and didn't let her push him to get a job and a mortgage.

He lived independently and then moved in with our Mum (his Gran) to train/get qualified.

He makes decent money now but I don't think she's tried to get him involved in providing housing again. I think he's able for her. He's only 26 but he seems to know the score.

I did hear that she pushes him to finance their hotel breaks and that she severely criticises his presents if he brings her stuff she doesn't think is expensive or high quality enough. They had a huge fall out last mothers day due to that.

the one good thing he did do for me

Parents are supposed to do 99% good things for you. Not 1% in a sea of shit.

Just proves what a narc he is that he thinks that way.