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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NPD Dad trying to groom me

138 replies

dun4 · 26/12/2024 20:23

tell him I know what his agenda is?

I'm supposed to be going abroad to see my father in a couple of days. I stupidly agreed to go at a low point.

I have severe mental illness from being brought up by him and my mother. The kind where you can't function. He abused all of us, including our cat, physically and psychologically.

He has been recording phone conversations, obviously to use against me at some point and I believe as a way to identify my weaknesses.

He admits he loves Machiavellian type of people.

-He puts me down, as obviously I have made huge mistakes from being very mentally ill since childhood. But I have just kept going and going and trying to move on despite having gone through a lot of traumatic experiences that I just shrug off.

-He criticises me as a mother

-He shows resentment over money he had to pay my mum in divorce and now he's saying that me and my siblings basically took his money! He says he's got a solicitor, as my mum tricked him in the divorce 30 odd years ago. The truth is he lost money, as he split up with affair partner and then made terrible financial decisions. But he blames us not himself.

-He shouts at me to rent and not buy a house. I think this is so I have cash in the bank that is readily available for him to try and con out of me. He has been revealing his true motive about phoning me all the time, as he's started to talk about "investments." It's in an indirect way but I can tell that's why he is showering me with attention and keeping tabs on me and trying to get information out of me. He did say don't say no to an investment proposal straight away though. So it's indirect and direct.

Anyway today he was laying on a guilt trip about how he saved me when the rest of my family and my partner were ganging up on me. Which is true he did something that actually helped me. I ended up in hospital with a physical condition, but I think stress probably brought it on. But boy oh boy do I owe him now in his head, it's so obvious. I can see his manipulation tactic with me is guilt and obligation. He started with his sly digs today again, which he has been doing for months and I said one thing back to him and he couldn't take it and told me to fuck off and he put the phone down. He always wanted me to come on my own abroad and I have been worried about it as I think when I turn down his investment proposal he may turn violent and hurt me.

He has deleted a text to me on what's app (I didn't see what it said) and now sent a guilt trippy message to me as I think he thinks this works better on me.

Bottom line is I don't want to go now. I told him I have mental illness but I haven't let on that I know he has been grooming me so I "invest" in other words basically hand over all my money to him! Shall I let on that I know what he's up to and he really resents me and my siblings and is only talking to me to get my money? I am starting to feel guilty that I don't want to go, but I'm too scared.

Can anyone give me any advice please? I have no one I can trust in this world which causes the mental illness to break me down even more.

OP posts:
Fraaances · 27/12/2024 04:54

@dun4 I think with PD’s they either improve or spiral with age. He seems to be the latter. So swallowed up by his illusion of grandeur and superiority that it doesn’t occur to him that the “little people” can see him for what he really is. In fact, he has probably lost touch with that entirely as getting even close to it would be far too challenging and painful. His delusion is holding him together. If he was confronted with the truth he would be more brittle than dedicated paper.

Christl78 · 27/12/2024 05:27

dun4 · 26/12/2024 20:23

tell him I know what his agenda is?

I'm supposed to be going abroad to see my father in a couple of days. I stupidly agreed to go at a low point.

I have severe mental illness from being brought up by him and my mother. The kind where you can't function. He abused all of us, including our cat, physically and psychologically.

He has been recording phone conversations, obviously to use against me at some point and I believe as a way to identify my weaknesses.

He admits he loves Machiavellian type of people.

-He puts me down, as obviously I have made huge mistakes from being very mentally ill since childhood. But I have just kept going and going and trying to move on despite having gone through a lot of traumatic experiences that I just shrug off.

-He criticises me as a mother

-He shows resentment over money he had to pay my mum in divorce and now he's saying that me and my siblings basically took his money! He says he's got a solicitor, as my mum tricked him in the divorce 30 odd years ago. The truth is he lost money, as he split up with affair partner and then made terrible financial decisions. But he blames us not himself.

-He shouts at me to rent and not buy a house. I think this is so I have cash in the bank that is readily available for him to try and con out of me. He has been revealing his true motive about phoning me all the time, as he's started to talk about "investments." It's in an indirect way but I can tell that's why he is showering me with attention and keeping tabs on me and trying to get information out of me. He did say don't say no to an investment proposal straight away though. So it's indirect and direct.

Anyway today he was laying on a guilt trip about how he saved me when the rest of my family and my partner were ganging up on me. Which is true he did something that actually helped me. I ended up in hospital with a physical condition, but I think stress probably brought it on. But boy oh boy do I owe him now in his head, it's so obvious. I can see his manipulation tactic with me is guilt and obligation. He started with his sly digs today again, which he has been doing for months and I said one thing back to him and he couldn't take it and told me to fuck off and he put the phone down. He always wanted me to come on my own abroad and I have been worried about it as I think when I turn down his investment proposal he may turn violent and hurt me.

He has deleted a text to me on what's app (I didn't see what it said) and now sent a guilt trippy message to me as I think he thinks this works better on me.

Bottom line is I don't want to go now. I told him I have mental illness but I haven't let on that I know he has been grooming me so I "invest" in other words basically hand over all my money to him! Shall I let on that I know what he's up to and he really resents me and my siblings and is only talking to me to get my money? I am starting to feel guilty that I don't want to go, but I'm too scared.

Can anyone give me any advice please? I have no one I can trust in this world which causes the mental illness to break me down even more.

I think only thing that helps in your case is no contact. You need therapy to help you do this. This is the only way you are going to be able to recover from his abuse.

Christl78 · 27/12/2024 05:31

LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 22:55

This website is full of people going NC with their parents for absolutely no reason.

This is the first time I've read a post and thought immediately the only thing to be done here is to break all contact, forever, and involve authorities eg police to protect you.

Please also seek counselling so that you can slowly work towards a calm and peaceful life

Completely agree with you on going “no contact”.

I do not agree with your comment that the site is full of people who have gone no contact for “no reason”. There is not one person who would ever decide to go no contact unless there is a strong reason. This may not be visible to most people as abuse can often be very subtle, however it is there.

All of us would have wished to have a loving supportive family, however not all of us are lucky. If you haven’t lived through this you can’t understand unless you have empathy.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 09:09

dun4 · 26/12/2024 23:52

@StrawberryDream24

You really get it! Like only someone can who has been through this nutso behaviour.

I feel for her son xx

I was actually surprised to hear that she gave her son some money from her inheritance.

This was obviously money she didn't have to earn though.

She would very occasionally do things like that .... I suppose similar to your father and other narcs doing very occasional good things. Even narcs aren't 100% shit, 100,% of the time.

I have a feeling he'll be reminded about it though. And perhaps even used to guilt/manipulate in future.

Her son was rolling his eyes at what she said when he was 7 yrs old or younger. Fortunately he has the type of temperament to see through her. He is increasingly learning to deal with her too. Since he hit his mid 20s, he has walked away from her & not spoken for quite long periods so she knows he'll not take her shit entirely. She'll be a bit more controlled as a result (though she won't change, because they simply cannot change).

He now has a steady gf and it's noticeable that he has not introduced her or taken her near his Mum & partner.

This is the unfortunate state of affairs for children of npd people like yourself.

Your father actually sounds worse than my sister though; he's probably a NC case.

Whatatodo79 · 27/12/2024 09:19

If you met this man and weren't related to him, would you give him the time of day? What does he bring to your life that improves it? Honestly concentrate on yourself and your own family. He'll be fine? You'll be better off

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 09:26

Don't be rude or nasty just say things have changed and you no longer can come and visit. Then take it from there.

I would actually tell him that you can no longer visit due to financial troubles.

Make up a pile of financial issues. If you want to give a rough outline of your circumstances, I'm sure posters on here could come up with ideas. E.g. you're renting ATM (?).so if it's private, say your landlord has just raised the rent by an unfeasible amount and you honestly don't know how you'll make ends meet, let alone do trips.
If you get benefits, say you've been notified you will no longer get a benefit; you're horrified, don't know how you'll manage and are battering yourself off the benefits office trying to get them to change their decision.

Say that the UC people even said to you "don't you have any family who could help you?"

He'll run away faster than Usain Bolt.

You'll have to keep up pretences with your siblings obviously, though it sounds like you don't have loads of contact with them (?)

These people need the piss taken out of them, it's the only way to deal with them..though it's preferable not to deal with them at all.

Fraaances · 27/12/2024 10:11

Actually, this is kind of true… If you have “financial difficulties” then you will be less appealing to him. Just let him know you’re worried about how the hell you’re going to pay your loan and credit card repayments etc and you can’t afford to travel atm…

Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:18

I have woken up this morning and feel like I need help. I feel all over the place. I'm feeling less able to hold it together as I get older for some reason. I will just have to not fear what he will do next. Maybe there is a helpline I could ring during the day that could help.

He won't believe any of the excuses. He knows we aren't on benefits etc, but I have lied about where I live so that's good. I'm just going to say I won't be coming, as I don't feel well which is true anyway.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2024 11:23

I have asked previously and you haven't answered but what can he ACTUALLY do to you?
sounds like its all threats and fear but there is nothing he can actually do to you

Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:25

@Hoppinggreen He makes trouble for people in all sorts of ways that most people wouldn't even think of. I suppose it's the not knowing because he's done thinks that will make you speechless.

OP posts:
Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:29

Right so I just messaged him that it's better if I change my ticket for the summer (I have no intention of doing that), but it's a form of letting down gently. Then I said I really I don't feel well at all.

He messaged straight back "what do you feel."

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2024 11:29

dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:25

@Hoppinggreen He makes trouble for people in all sorts of ways that most people wouldn't even think of. I suppose it's the not knowing because he's done thinks that will make you speechless.

You keep saying that but what can he actually do to you?
He only has power over you if you let him, the day I realised my Father had nothing I wanted was very liberating.
You keep referring to him "making trouble" but what can he do? In purely practical terms?
I suspect its nothing

Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2024 11:31

dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:29

Right so I just messaged him that it's better if I change my ticket for the summer (I have no intention of doing that), but it's a form of letting down gently. Then I said I really I don't feel well at all.

He messaged straight back "what do you feel."

You are engaging with him, just stop.

Lovethatforyouhun · 27/12/2024 11:31

Change your number. Anyone who is genuine won’t believe his lies. If they do, they arent worth knowing anyway.

Why care about a fancy restaurant or fake people you don’t know? Its time to care about YOURSELF for once as he does not, nor do any of his hangers on. He is excited as his favourite punch bag is coming for more abuse. He thrives on it.

Never speak to him again. Nothing, yes nothing will change until you change things.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/12/2024 11:31

Hi OP,
Here's some information where you might get some immediate help.... https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/

Bear in mind - he doesn't know that you are onto him. You have told him that you are unwell - which is true. So he is unlikely to react aggressively today.

Prioritise your own wellbeing. Get around safe people if you can, or make home feel safe if you can't. I appreciate that the threat you are feeling is real, but it isn't immediate. your welfare can be the priority today.

Applepoop · 27/12/2024 11:32

dun4 · 26/12/2024 20:49

Shall I tell him I know what he's up to (trying to get me to invest) and say I notice your constant digs and veiled threats and don't enjoy being told I disappeared when I'm trying to focus on myself to improve my life. That's what happens when I try to avoid contact.

No don’t tell him anything as direct and inflammatory as that.

Tell him that you are ill and can’t come.

Harkinonnowhear · 27/12/2024 11:33

dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:25

@Hoppinggreen He makes trouble for people in all sorts of ways that most people wouldn't even think of. I suppose it's the not knowing because he's done thinks that will make you speechless.

He is not strong and omnipowerful, he is weak and inadequate. His perspective is not your perspective. That needs to be your mantra until you start believing it.

You can hear your deep anxiety through your words. It is that you need to work on, he is his own problem, you are a completely separate person. It is nearly the new year and this new year start to build yourself up from the ground up.

Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:37

I don't know what he could actually do. You're right I should just stop thinking like that. He has always been someone I am very afraid of, so I'll just try to stop it.

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 27/12/2024 11:39

dun4 · 26/12/2024 20:38

He comes up with all sorts of ways to get revenge on people. He'd do things like try and get people sacked or smear campaign you. He has done all sorts of things to people.

What’s his name? Expose him.

Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:39

@Hoppinggreen I just had to say I'm not going though to ease my mind. I didn't answer the second question. It's a ridiculous question that will be used against me.

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 27/12/2024 11:48

@dun4 you keep saying these vague ideas of what he could do but no actual examples.

I’m starting to think this is just your paranoia talking with no factual basis.

Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:49

@gottastopeatingchocolate Thank you. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 11:52

@YourGladSquid I'm not going to list things he done to other people. If you think I'm paranoid, maybe I am, probably a bit of both. But if I've witnessed things he's done, I'm not really sure if that means I'm paranoid.

OP posts:
YourGladSquid · 27/12/2024 11:55

@dun4 see, you’re still not giving any actual answer to anyone’s questions.

My DM also thought I was a female Pablo Escobar when she was going through psychosis but she could never follow up because it wasn’t based on anything factual.

I’m peacing out, this isn’t going anywhere. I wish you the best, though.

Original poster
dun4 · 27/12/2024 12:03

Now he's calling me one after the other.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm not going to engage or answer and just wont worry about what he will do next. I've gone no contact for years before and I'll do it again. It's the only way I'll get better.

OP posts: